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  1. Is my sex life over ?

    1481582217
    Wolfrace [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 12 Dec 2016

    We've been married for almsot 20yrs but together around 26yrs. I love my wife immensely and always want to be with her, she is my sole mate and my best friend. We are blessed with 4 wonderful children, 2 girls and 2 boys and my wife is a full time mum to our motley crew that range from 6 - 16yrs old so she has a very hectic and full life with little or no time for herself, in fact my wife always puts everyone and everything before herself.

    Where do I start ? well sex has never been something that has been high on "our agenda" I say "our" as being a typical selfish male I've always wanted more.... guess that's not unusual. When we met at 20yrs old we would have sex perhaps 2-3 times p/wk, no idea if his was enough, too much or anything else and as my wife has been my only lover I was happy to get what I could but I always remember feeling that my mates were on some kind of sex mission as they would talk as if they were at it all the time, I just assumed they were bragging but part of me always wondered. Our sex in those early days was just that sex, perhaps a little 4play and nothing adventurous and always and I mean always at my request. I can say that in 25yrs my wife has never initiated sex once, I just learnt when I could "ask" and if my luck was in bingo. Things have never deveoped beyond classic missionary and spoons, anything else would just be met with too much resistance and became a no go, this was when all my mates were going on about oral, partner on top etc etc, some how I feel I've missed out....

    So now where are we, well things are only less and less. Not that I'm counting but we average sex every 6.2wks across the year (not counting honestly...) and can often go much longer, upto say 2 months. This leaves me walking around with a hard on most of the time I see my wife, catch a glimpse of her etc but inevitably ends up with me resorting to DIY. And to get that 6.2wks I have to pester my wife which I feel really bad about, in fact the whole thing makes me feel very bad as I always conclude that I'm putting my wife through something that she really doesn't want to do nor should she have to.

    At this point I guess I should say what it is I'm looking to achieve ? Well I had rather naively thought that I'd be married to someone that would want to have sex with me even if I clearly ain't Brad Pitt and that my looks are what they used to be, less hair and more weight can't increase attractiveness. But the thought of being able to have sex with a person that actually enjoys what's happening is just a dream for me and one where your partner would actually derive pleasure from the experience, well I just can't imagine what that would be like, I am expecting too much ?

    I don't think I'd have too many inhibitions in sex and would love to give my wife oral or just about anything else she's want and for however long she wanted it, happy to try anything basically.

    Just don't know where to start with this or if it's already a lost cause ? will always stay with my wife because well she's my wife and I married her but think I may have missed out on a sex life.

    And before someone mentions councelling this is just an absolute no no. If I even mentioned the idea then I may as well go and castrate myself with some blunt DIY tools, the doors of love would be firmly shut and the shutters would come down on the pleasure palace as well as my life being made hell and would likely be told that I was a pervert.

    So I conclude:

    A) sex is over at 46yrs old, but having never really had much what am I giving up ?

    B) find a hooker

    C) become a Priest

    Right now I'm thinking First C quickly followed by B

    1481583101
    DavidB1986 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Wolfrace,

    So first of all, can I ask why counselling is out of the question? There are clearly some issues in the background that aren't being talked about. Talking with her should really be the first port of call. Just be honest with her. It's not going to be an easy conversation, but if you can't be honest with someone who you say you love dearly, this would say to me that there is something else bubbling under the surfact, especially if you are thinking that 'finding a hooker' would be a viable option (I'm sure you are joking, but still...)

    She may be feeling that she just doesn't have the energy because (as you say) she is consistently going above and beyond in her daily life. Perhaps the first call would be to see if there is anything that you could for her, to give her some free time to herself.Is there anything the kids can be doing that she does? Perhaps if you can get her to take a step back and realise she has people around her that are happy to help, and give her a bit of freedom and space, it might help her relax and be a bit more open.

    That's a good staring point, I think. This isn't something you are going to be able to solve in one night, in one conversation. It's going to require a bit of work and effort from both of you. But it all comes down to the main point of communication. Talk to her.

    I'm sure you will get some other advice but that's my 2 cents worth.

    1481585152
    captainmeow [sign in to see picture]
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    Wanting sex isn't a perverted thing - it's a very valid component of romantic relationships and is one way we show our partners we love them.

    Have you spoken to her? You say your wife is busy managing your 6-16yo children and does not even have time for herself, yet is always putting everyone else (you included) above her. That's really really draining and she might not have realised this yet! It's very common for parents (especially full time ones) to have their whole lives revolve around their children and for good reason. She might simply not have noticed that you are wanting more, or perhaps she's aware but does not have the capacity to initiate/participate.

    Ask her if she's noticed a dip in her libido (yes women have pretty god sex drives too). See if you both can work out what is going on, if there's something that needs to be addressed. Does she not feel good about herself? Is she too worn out because of work? Are there areas you could help her with to free up more of her time?

    Why does she not initiate or want to try other things in the bedroom? Does she think other things are unbecoming of a good woman, is she afraid because it seems to foreign, etc.? Would it help if you both took time out for yourselves, go on a wee date the way you did before you married and kids came along?

    Perhaps more importantly, don't compare your sex life to others. People like putting forward the best of themselves, both in real life and online (social media can be horrid). Places like this which are dedicated to discussing people's sex lives will naturally have a far higher proportion of people who are more, well, sex-positive. Instead, look at what you and your wife need and want together and see if you can reach a good middle ground to work from.

    1481588254
    Wolfrace [sign in to see picture]
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    DavidB1986 wrote:

    Hi Wolfrace,

    So first of all, can I ask why counselling is out of the question? There are clearly some issues in the background that aren't being talked about. Talking with her should really be the first port of call. Just be honest with her. It's not going to be an easy conversation, but if you can't be honest with someone who you say you love dearly, this would say to me that there is something else bubbling under the surfact, especially if you are thinking that 'finding a hooker' would be a viable option (I'm sure you are joking, but still...)

    She may be feeling that she just doesn't have the energy because (as you say) she is consistently going above and beyond in her daily life. Perhaps the first call would be to see if there is anything that you could for her, to give her some free time to herself.Is there anything the kids can be doing that she does? Perhaps if you can get her to take a step back and realise she has people around her that are happy to help, and give her a bit of freedom and space, it might help her relax and be a bit more open.

    That's a good staring point, I think. This isn't something you are going to be able to solve in one night, in one conversation. It's going to require a bit of work and effort from both of you. But it all comes down to the main point of communication. Talk to her.

    I'm sure you will get some other advice but that's my 2 cents worth.

    These are good points and ones that I will try and see what more I can do to free up her time but most of that will likely go on her horse rather than on herself, it really will be hard to get her to have some time to herself, not sure how to do that.

    I've offered to pay for her to have a weekend away at a Spa with a friend but she wouldn't do it thinking it was a waste of time and what work she could be doing instead of being there.

    But I will try it, thanks for the tip.

    1481588919
    Wolfrace [sign in to see picture]
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    captainmeow wrote:

    Wanting sex isn't a perverted thing - it's a very valid component of romantic relationships and is one way we show our partners we love them.

    Have you spoken to her? You say your wife is busy managing your 6-16yo children and does not even have time for herself, yet is always putting everyone else (you included) above her. That's really really draining and she might not have realised this yet! It's very common for parents (especially full time ones) to have their whole lives revolve around their children and for good reason. She might simply not have noticed that you are wanting more, or perhaps she's aware but does not have the capacity to initiate/participate.

    Ask her if she's noticed a dip in her libido (yes women have pretty god sex drives too). See if you both can work out what is going on, if there's something that needs to be addressed. Does she not feel good about herself? Is she too worn out because of work? Are there areas you could help her with to free up more of her time?

    Why does she not initiate or want to try other things in the bedroom? Does she think other things are unbecoming of a good woman, is she afraid because it seems to foreign, etc.? Would it help if you both took time out for yourselves, go on a wee date the way you did before you married and kids came along?

    Perhaps more importantly, don't compare your sex life to others. People like putting forward the best of themselves, both in real life and online (social media can be horrid). Places like this which are dedicated to discussing people's sex lives will naturally have a far higher proportion of people who are more, well, sex-positive. Instead, look at what you and your wife need and want together and see if you can reach a good middle ground to work from.

    I think it's all of the above and you have summed it up quite neatly there. My wife certainly is exhausted at the end of a day, in fact she pretty much exhausted at the begining as well so this certainly has a huge influence on things but I can't say that it was that much different BC. And yes my wife suffers from a lack of self confidence and doesn't believe she can do anything which is quite the opposite in reality.

    The last time we had a night out was 16yrs ago and since then we've had the children so they go where we go and I'd never get her out on her own she wouldn't see the point.

    And I (me) just couldn't talk about such a topic with her and in writing this I realise how much of this is down to me here... as it's just something I am terrible at, I have the emotional communication skills of a Kilngon and never ever talk about anything like that, health is one of those topics I was brought up not to discuss, grin a bear it so to speak

    Thanks for the reply, it all helps me to understand where I'm going wrong.

    1481589468
    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think there's actually been great advice so far and I don't know how much more I can contribute but the most important thing is to talk to her about it. This is clearly something that is important to you otherwise you wouldn't be asking about it. She is your partner too and she should be responsive to your needs. It's scary to approach someone sometimes but I suggest doing it at a time when sex is clearly off the table (maybe even say this to start with) and you can really focus on the communication without it leading anywhere. She'll know you're serious and you can build from there.

    Yes, she clearly needs some time to herself, but equally importantly you need time as a couple. Don't just give her money to go off and be on her own. Take her on a romantic trip. And I mean romantic, not overtly sexual. No pressure time, just get-to-know-each-other-intimately time. If she's never really been interested sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that (Just to be clear a lot of women are very sexual, some are not, some are moderately so. We're just people like men are people and we're all different. There is no normal.). However, you clearly have needs that aren't being met and you have every right to discuss it as an adult with your partner. Start there, if she's not responsive, try again in a different setting. You have as much right to be happy and satisfied with your relationship as she does, just treat her (and the topic) gently and kindly.

    1481623021
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
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    Often a suggestion doesn't move from that, it goes nowhere.

    It might be a better bet to organise a surprise to be together alone, including child minding and really take things from her hands. The its a waste of money arguement can be countered with "only if we don't go through with it..." reply.

    Woo her, maybe take her for a meal and organise flowers to be there for her. Even better if its not a special occasion, its the giving when there isn't a degree of expectation to give that makes somebdy feel its truly about them. Go somewhere you used to go when you lived in the time of first flushes of love.

    1481624048
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    If talking is difficult for you, why don't you write it down like you have done here? Leave her a letter to discover in her own time. You don't have to be around when she reads it. This can let her know what's going on with you and give her time to think about her response. She may not even realise how you're feeling.

    Another thought - If she's of a similar age to you, is it possible that she could be going through the menopause? That can lessen the libido greatly and also cause some confidence issues. If she already had some confidence issues, the addition of more could be stopping her from going outside of her sexual comfort zones such as missionary etc.

    1481626380
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Tiger Dick wrote:

    Often a suggestion doesn't move from that, it goes nowhere.

    It might be a better bet to organise a surprise to be together alone, including child minding and really take things from her hands. The its a waste of money arguement can be countered with "only if we don't go through with it..." reply.

    Woo her, maybe take her for a meal and organise flowers to be there for her. Even better if its not a special occasion, its the giving when there isn't a degree of expectation to give that makes somebdy feel its truly about them. Go somewhere you used to go when you lived in the time of first flushes of love.

    For me, I would go along with the above . Don't try and force the issue with sex. Take a step back and think of romancing her . Weekends away,meals out ,cinema ,dress nicley for her and her for you. Sometimes we take romance for granted when actually its all about putting your partner first. and thinking of them more than what your own needs are. In time things normally will put themselves back on track. The key word is "time" , this won't be a quck fix.

    1481627938
    Colonel Lube [sign in to see picture]
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    These threads always resonate with me. My wife and I have been through it and came out the other side. The only solution is communication and time. Talk to one another (writing is a good one if verbally you both find it difficult)

    Looking through this site together ( not necessarily at the same time but look through and tell each other what is of interest) is helpful as it allows an insight into one anothers sexual mindset.

    It will take time and might not improve but at least you will know you have tried. Ultimately the only advice is communication as that is the only thing that is likely to lead to a breakthrough.

    1481630000
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron wrote:

    Tiger Dick wrote:

    Often a suggestion doesn't move from that, it goes nowhere.

    It might be a better bet to organise a surprise to be together alone, including child minding and really take things from her hands. The its a waste of money arguement can be countered with "only if we don't go through with it..." reply.

    Woo her, maybe take her for a meal and organise flowers to be there for her. Even better if its not a special occasion, its the giving when there isn't a degree of expectation to give that makes somebdy feel its truly about them. Go somewhere you used to go when you lived in the time of first flushes of love.

    For me, I would go along with the above . Don't try and force the issue with sex. Take a step back and think of romancing her . Weekends away,meals out ,cinema ,dress nicley for her and her for you. Sometimes we take romance for granted when actually its all about putting your partner first. and thinking of them more than what your own needs are. In time things normally will put themselves back on track. The key word is "time" , this won't be a quck fix.

    And here's a bit of hope for those on meds, particularly for depression.

    I spent the best part of 2 DECADES unable to make that connection. If you are in that boat, there is hope and the only practical advice is remember its your life, if the meds stop you living, keep searching until you find some that do help you live.

    1481634939
    cobra1987 [sign in to see picture]
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    Well I think their some good advice on here but communication is very important you must pluck up the courage and start talking to here if she is truly your sole mate then their nothing you should be afraid to talk about. I know sex is important but talking is also important. When children are in the mix its hard to get your sex drive and have sex as children are always first property but you do need time for the two of you mebe when they are sleeping you could get bit romantic and try to kiss here and see what happens next. I think that's the best advice I can give is when the kids are sleeping try to get close to here and see whats happens. I don't know if I was helpfull but I hope you find a solution. Don't just look for sex else were as this will break your marriage.

    1481659588
    Wolfrace [sign in to see picture]
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    All good info and i have read it all thoroughly, need to digest it all and decide what to do.

    Getting time alone is pretty much impossible, not had that since we had children so looks like it will be some years yet before we ever manage a romantic meal on our own, it's another part of the problem i guess.

    The idea of writing something down is probably the best idea and one that i could imagine myself doing, but I'd still dread the consequences.....

    1481662590
    Pomlady [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with NatandTom about writing a letter. There is hope I have been married for 24 years and been together for 29 years since my grown up children have moved out I am 47 my sex drive has improved greatly my husband is 51 he doesn't have as high a sex drive as me I want sex every day and night if I could but my man is quite happy at 2-3 times a week so I use my sex toys in between we never talked about sex as my husband was too shy to and embarrassed but the last few months we have talked very openly about sex and the problems we have had and it has helped us be more closer and our sex life is now great so I think it does help if you's can talk to each other and be open.

    when we were younger my husband suffered with premiture ejeculation and wouldn't talk about it so I suffered.He now suffers with erectile disfunction and wouldn't really talk about that so again I suffered as he didn't tell me for a couple of years so I thought there was something wrong with me or he had stopped loving me and that's why he didn't want sex or even touch me but that has all changed for the better now we are open with each other they not perfect but much improved.

    please let us know how you get on

    1481662646
    Pomlady [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with NatandTom about writing a letter. There is hope I have been married for 24 years and been together for 29 years since my grown up children have moved out I am 47 my sex drive has improved greatly my husband is 51 he doesn't have as high a sex drive as me I want sex every day and night if I could but my man is quite happy at 2-3 times a week so I use my sex toys in between we never talked about sex as my husband was too shy to and embarrassed but the last few months we have talked very openly about sex and the problems we have had and it has helped us be more closer and our sex life is now great so I think it does help if you's can talk to each other and be open.

    when we were younger my husband suffered with premiture ejeculation and wouldn't talk about it so I suffered.He now suffers with erectile disfunction and wouldn't really talk about that so again I suffered as he didn't tell me for a couple of years so I thought there was something wrong with me or he had stopped loving me and that's why he didn't want sex or even touch me but that has all changed for the better now we are open with each other they not perfect but much improved.

    please let us know how you get on

    1481667694
    Tiger Dick [sign in to see picture]
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    Wolfrace wrote:

    All good info and i have read it all thoroughly, need to digest it all and decide what to do.

    Getting time alone is pretty much impossible, not had that since we had children so looks like it will be some years yet before we ever manage a romantic meal on our own, it's another part of the problem i guess.

    The idea of writing something down is probably the best idea and one that i could imagine myself doing, but I'd still dread the consequences.....

    I know it is sumjective but you say you have a 16 year old, can they not babysit one evening? I know teenagers can be difficult, but time alone is important and if they can facilitate that then that benefits everybody.

    1489326732
    Funlover69 [sign in to see picture]
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    So sori to learn of your unhappy situation.From my own past experience I can only advise you to act sooner rather than later.You have missed out on a lot of happiness between you and it just might be that once you take the first step it may not end up being the disaster you expect.Things seldom turn out as bad as you imagine they might.Nothing ventured,nothing gained.Life is way too short to be letting things continue as they are.Don't be like me - my husband passed away last year much earlier than expected and we like you had unresolved issues in our sex life and I now have to live with the regret of not communicating enough.😟.You both deserve to be happy and have a fulfulling relationship.I wish you all the best.x

    1489334674
    Browncoats [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello. Im sorry youre going through problems but I have to say please please don't assume anything without talking to her. Me and my husband have been through some tough times recently and his lack of communication and assumptions nearly ruined our marriage.

    Over the last 2 years we have had to deal with our eldest having seizures, our youngest being so ill we thought he was going to die, me being diagnosed with not one but 2 chronic pain conditions, my youngest being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease as well as me studying at college and working 2 jobs. We had become ships that passed in the night and sex was the last thing on our minds. Then some hussy (seriously she had only been married herself 5 months) decided she wanted my husband. She used the fact I'm bisexual to get inside his head making all kinds of threesome suggestions then suddenly started making suggestions about me taking him for granted and being mean to him. Turning every argument against me. then she started sending him explicit messages and for a brief time he was enjoying it. Then he got his brain out of his cock and told her where to go.

    The problem was he had assumed I wasn't interested in sex anymore and had forgotten just how kinky I was and how great we were together. We've spent the last 5 months trying to rebuild our marriage and now its stronger because we've started communicating more. My husband is on this forum too and knows I'm telling you this. He also knows how close he got to losing his soul mate. I've seen his heart rip in two when I've told him I can't do it. I've seen him breakdown because he thought we were over. By the time I found out he had already told her to leave him alone but the damage was done.

    So please if you love her find a way to make it work. By sounds of it this isn't a sudden change so you must know its nothing against you. So fund a way to open the flood gates of communication and remind her how much you love her.

    1489351592
    Lu SB [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there. I relate to your situation because I've been living kind of the same way. I'm a woman and I think a lot about sex and I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy quite a lot but as a solo experience. The thing is that I just got tired of my husband wanting a quick and hot sexy without giving me the attention that I deserve. Obviously being busy and having kids it's a challenge and I'm sure that your wife must be knackered - I know I am most of the time. A lot of people here suggested communication and I totally agree with them. I'd love for my husband to give time, attention and really talk to me - I think this would help a lot and would turn me on because I do love him. Once you get talking, really taking the time to talk, you feel that a lot of barriers start to come down. Good luck

    1489401426
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Lu SB wrote:

    Hi there. I relate to your situation because I've been living kind of the same way. I'm a woman and I think a lot about sex and I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy quite a lot but as a solo experience. The thing is that I just got tired of my husband wanting a quick and hot sexy without giving me the attention that I deserve. Obviously being busy and having kids it's a challenge and I'm sure that your wife must be knackered - I know I am most of the time. A lot of people here suggested communication and I totally agree with them. I'd love for my husband to give time, attention and really talk to me - I think this would help a lot and would turn me on because I do love him. Once you get talking, really taking the time to talk, you feel that a lot of barriers start to come down. Good luck

    I think in your case you need to get time together. I appreciate it difficult with kids around but even we managed bedroom lockins from time to time . Also going out on date nights will help relight the fire so to speak even if it means paying for a child minder . It will be well worth it. You guy needs to appreciate that a womans needs are different to those of a guy. A woman often needs warming up at first perhaps with a little romance even if its only running a scented bath for you . Something like this will help you relax and be more receptive for sex later and perhaps enjoy it more. He should also perhaps consider brushing up on his foreplay techniques as this is a very important aspect of sex and helps to prolong the session and make it more enjoyable for both .

    Just a few ideas .

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