• Sex after abuse

    1481148819
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5249
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    Thank you Mamz. I'm so sorry it's been painful for you to see this thread and I really do appreciate you going through that to support me :)

    I do totally understand what you mean and that is what I am finding. If I accept that I'm not going to want to do it (and I know the reason I won't want to is because it's times when I 'should') Then it relieves the pressure and I feel like I'm not suffocating with panic. Until the next time one of those times arises :/

    Fortunately after an emotional discussion with the guy Im seeing the other day he made me feel comforted in the fact that it was fine if I didn't want to do it. I just explained that I will need constant reassuring of that, over and over again.

    Thank you again xxx

    1481149706
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1806
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    You definitely will need constant reassuring. my bf keeps telling me "we don't do anything if you don,t totally want to" but I keep asking "it's fine uh? we don't have to do anything right?" cause I still feel bad about it. It's something in our minds that needs to be undone. You're lucky thought, as it's not the only relationship you've had. Mine was pretty much the first, so this is how I learned sex, to me it was how sex should be, and that why it took me so long to realize it wasn't right.

    The key really is to think about yourself and only yourself. you may love that guy and want to make him happy, but you'll need to stop thinking about him. THink only of yourself, and see yourself as someone who needs to be taken care of, and you're the only person who an truely do that. Be good for yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, than nobody will/can. I find this is the best way to make sure you are not abused again, because when you really listen to yourself and take care of that, you notice the abuse and don't let yourself being done that again (of course, I do not mean that it was your fault for letting it be done toy ou, but I know that you may think "if this happened once, how can I make sure it does not happen again? how can I know if this guy isn't abusinve to me?").

    This needs to be a constant state, not just for christmass.

    Also, that will sound weird, but I've learned to be freidna gain with my body. by being abused, I developped a coping mechanism where my mind and body are disconnected, and it was hard to reconnect with my body as I let so many bad things happen to it. I have forgotten myself and promised myself that I from now on I will take care of my whole self and not let anything like that happen again.

    1481231321
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5249
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    I'm glad your partner is helping you relearn about sex and how to have a healthy sexual relationship :)

    That's wonderful advice Mamz. You're right I do tend to think about what he wants before I consider myself and put a higher priority on his wants and needs.

    I totally understand what you mean about being disconnected as well. But because I have bpd and issues from childhood experiences it's difficult to know what is causing the issues now and how to tackle them, if that makes sense. Like I suffer with dissociation but that is from earlier experiences. It all seems so messy, I worry a therpist will give up before I've even started lol

    Lady Ness replied with some great advice to experiment with tantric sex which I am absolutely going to try. I think that will help with the mind/body disconnection as well.

    1481233896
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6398
    • Joined: 30 Mar 2015

    Vanilla Kink, I was physically and emotionally abused for years by my father. As far as I know there was no sexual abuse.

    I really struggled through university with a huge insecurity and fear complex, as well as suffering lots of stress (self induced stress). It did take something strange to happen for me to talk about things.

    Uni rooms are small and I was sat on my friends bed (friend only not sexual in any was) he was sat on his desk chair. He opened a present from his mum, a metal pen with a massaging vibrating ball at one end. He lent forward so I could feel the ball on my hand, the pen glinted in the sunlight, and I thought it was the scalpel that me father use to hold against my throat.

    I shot out of the room down the stairs and out into the courtyard, shaking with fear. So after this I had to explain my past. My friends were very shocked and suprised. I went to see two different councillor said while at uni, but I didn't get on with them. One just wanted me to cry, and I just couldn't get along with the other one, seemed like she wasn't listening to what I said. Each one is different and you might get the right one for you.

    My friends accept that I'm a little odd, and socially I'm very poorly adjusted, but over time I have got much better. Since meeting my OH he doesn't want to know about my past although he knows the general idea. He is physically a big man and so gentle and caring. He makes me feel safe.

    For me it is the feeling safe that is the most important thing. My previouse boyfriends had all been slight built computer geek type people that couldn't hurt me if they tried, but now my OH is physically bigger than me, strong willed and safe. This might sound stupid but I'm that comfortable that we now indulge in moderate bondage play (I suggested this). Blindfolds cuffs paddles just started with a whip too. There are hard limits. No collars, nothing round my throat, but apart from that we have grown together in our sex lives. Neither of us have ever done bondage or played with toys before now.

    What I'm trying to say in a round about way is that when you find the right person that truely makes you feel loved and safe you will be able to move on sexually and progress together. It's not something you can rush or expect to happen, things just need to feel right. If your partner is that person then cuddles and affection will naturally turn into sex or sexual acts. Don't try, don't think about it, just let the feeling happen. Let sex be something from the heart not the head, that way your past can stay there in the past. I would say I have learnt to manage most of my issues, I don't honestly think I will ever be over them, but they don't run my life now.

    Take things slow, let things happen naturally if and when you feel safe. We are here for you.

    1481236560

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3117
    • Joined: 12 Sep 2010

    Vanilla_Kink wrote:

    Gentle Giant - Thank you, It did take a while for me to get the courage to post this here but I was confident that the forum users would only be supportive, as they always are :) It was only a month or so ago at a group for victims that it all hit me. I literally felt like I was drowning in the realization. I haven't been able to go back since and thats why I didn't think I would be able to face therapy. However, discussing it here has actually made me feel slightly better (despite the fact it makes me cry lol), so I'm hopeful therapy may do the same.

    Kittencub - That is my fear that I will either end up in the same type of relationships as it seemed happened to you or I will push away any men that are decent with my issues. After posting this and reading some replies I did speak to him about christmas eve and he assured me that there was no pressure. I told him I just need the reassurance, over and over again, that if I don't want to do it then that is okay.

    Vanilla kink happy to help in any ways possible I hope you can move on.

    1481248953
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1806
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Fun Louise, I just want to say that I'm really sorry for what happened to you

    1481331712
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5249
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    Fun Louise, thank you for your honest advice and I really am so sorry you had those experiences.

    I know what you mean about bondage as I love it, I'm constantly browsing bondage items and buying them, but they gather dust at the moment. Hopefully that will change in the future.

    I feel positive about speaking to someone about it all now I've opened up on this thread. It's made me realise that accepting it and letting the emotions out is something I need to do even if I dont want to.

    It's encouraging to know that others have progressed from where I am now.

    1481333199
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6398
    • Joined: 30 Mar 2015

    I am a great believer that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. (Emotionally Speeking).

    I am the person that i am now because of all the things that have happened in my life, they have shaped me. It also takes bad things for you to have perspective and be able to appreciate good things.

    Im a very naive person in a lot of ways, an idealist too. I like to think of balance and fairness. I'm open and honest (too honest sons say). My Moto for life is "you can ask me anything as long as you are prepaired for an honest answer." (" If your not, don't ask me".)

    With all this philosophy I wil tell you that I am having the best time of my life right now. OH, Mutley and I, a happy little family (pack).

    1481389827
    cobra1987 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 170
    • Joined: 1 Dec 2013

    Sometimes the best thing to do if you are pressured in to sex is talk about with some and seek help as abuses will continue until you stronger to talk about it or walk away. Talk to some who can help in the stronger condition would be the police in rare condition. I don’t like abuses but sometimes when they need help and its hard even when help is given due to anger of the abuser and other circumstances can come in to play. Its hard to have good marriage relationship when you have been abused but don’t give up hope as their always ways to get help and me be even with your partner. Don’t give up hope their things that can help you get back in to diva that you are but it’s all about mental preparation and getting back on your feet as women and staying strong and focused.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.