FREE 1 Day Delivery - Spend £50 and 24-hour tracked delivery is FREE
  1. Sex after abuse

    1481019582
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5275
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    This is incredibly sensitive so I understand if it needs to be removed. I really am desperate for some advice though. Im having a lot of trouble with sex since leaving an abusive relationship. Sex wasn't really something I had a choice in for a long time and now it makes me incredibly anxious. I'm really defensive and I won't do it unless I feel like it was my idea. I'm just so afraid of the same thing happening again. Like the guy im seeing bought lingerie for xmas eve and now I feel obligated to have sex xmas eve and I can't stop worrying about it. I feel so damaged I just don't know how to repair myself and have a healthy attitude towards sex again. My women's refuge worker offered for me to have therapy but I can't handle talking about it yet.

    I understand it's a horrible thing to talk about so please don't reply if it's going to upset you.

    1481020793
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3606
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    Are you sure you are not ready for therapy? It would probably make you feel upset and sad, but it might also make you feel like you understand yourself better and that you are in more control of the situation. But you are the one who knows best so trust yourself.

    Does your partner know? If he does, maybe you could tell him that you feel bad if you feel preassured to have sex and that you'll wear the lingerie but you'll do it when it feels right. I'm sure he would understand if he's a decent guy!

    I hope everything will work out for you, it's okay to feel like you feel. ❤️

    1481021226
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5275
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    I think the problem with therapy is I will have to accept some things that I'm not ready to face. I think maybe its something Im not going to get passed until I do that though :/

    I have told him and he probably would accept it if I didn't want to do it that night but I just can't help feeling sick with worry about it.

    Like, would someone in a healthy relationship have sex if they were bought lingerie even if they werent really in the mood?

    1481021364
    Mo D [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 64
    • Joined: 2 Aug 2011

    My wife was abused in the care system as a child and teenager. Her first husband then continued the control and abuse. I know where you are coming from. It's a dark place. My wife almost destroyed our relationship on numerous occasions (we've been together 18 years now) because she tried to keep it all hidden.

    You don't have to tell every new partner about it, just the ones that you know you can trust with your feelings. And you don't have to tell them everything, just what you feel comfortable with.

    Having said that.... you do need to talk it through. I know you don't think you are ready, but trust me, there will never be a time when you think you're ready. My wife kept it in for years, just let it stew, and treated everyone around her like the enemy at times, including me, until it reached crisis point.

    Your new partner will understand if you want to put the brakes on. If he doesn't, he's not the right guy for you. Either way, go talk it through asap, then you can work out a way forward and take back control.

    1481021505
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3606
    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    No, I wouldn't have sex if I weren't in the mood for it. I don't think you should either because that might affect your feeling towards sex with your OH. You could just have a cosy evening together watching a film and kissing eachother. So you feel secure. I'd have sex another time when I felt for it.

    1481021891
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6270
    • Joined: 18 Dec 2007

    I don’t normally talk about this, but I know how you feel. I too was in a previous emotionally abusive relationship, many, years ago, which totally screwed up my head. (He was very controlling in all the wrong sorts of ways!)  I was a total mess, and felt like I was not worthy of anything good and felt as though I did not deserve happiness. This coupled with a very bad incident in my past left me with so many emotional scars…

    Then I met the wonderful Mr Scorpius, and he helped me get through this with his patience and love, and now I am so happy and realise that I do deserve good things! It hasn’t been easy by any means, it has taken years to get to where I am now, and sometimes I thought I would never heal, but I really do feel that I am now much stronger than I have ever been.

    I still have echoes from the past, but I try very hard to keep them there, and not let them impact me know – I have the occasional wobble, but when I do I talk to Mr Scorpius about it, and we deal with it together.

    All I can say is that with the love and support of your partner, you will start to feel worthy of all the pleasure and love he can give to you. If you trust him completely, then please talk to him and tell him everything – I am so pleased that I opened up. If you don’t feel that you can talk to him, then please talk to a therapist, but you do need to talk to someone.

    Don’t get me wrong it was very hard for me to do this, and it made things a lot worse in my head initially, as I felt so exposed opening up about it, as I always thought it was my fault and that I would be judged – but I wasn’t.

    Please don't let your ex spoil what you have now, don’t give him that power. You are such a lovely lady, and I am so sorry that this happened to you - I am sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts, and don’t forget that you are never alone as you always have your forum friends, who are always here for you xxx

    1481023061
    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 205
    • Joined: 28 Aug 2012

    A caring partner can tell if you are triggered, and continueing sex at that point may have a long term effect on the couple's sex life which compounds with your already existing personal block.

    You can still wear the sexy underwear for your partner. If you make it clear before hand that there won't be any sex, a bit of a show and a tease might be enough of a treat for them. Maybe you can still do something for them or allow them to do something for themselves while you tease (dependant on your personal details ofcourse).

    On another note, it is rare for two people to match perfectly in their sex life. One will want it more than the other and one will show more dominance than the other, this is a natural part of the experience for many people without sexual abuse in their past.

    The end goal is too much to aim at and focusing on it will give you bad feelings. Start by mapping out what is safe for you and do that, lots. This way you can begin building a positive story around sex.

    Keep within the boundaries of your map and remember that the places you don't go aren't walled off or banned, it's just that you know you don't like it there and choose not to go there. The next step is much later, and doesn't need any attention right now. Take your time.

    1481024325
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1492
    • Joined: 23 Nov 2011

    My oh won't have sex if she doesn't feel like it. If I buy her underwear I just have to wait for her to decide when she is ready to wear it.
    My sex drive is higher than hers and I would constantly pester her for sex and sometimes she would have sex just to please me. This was frustrating for both of us. We have sorted this out now and she has a little more control 🔒🔑 over the situation now and it works fantastically for us. After all the best sex is when both really want it.

    1481030695
    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2179
    • Joined: 16 May 2010

    Here are a few point to consider when tackling past abuse:

    Your pain isn't worth less than someone else's, your feelings matter, no matter how down they are making you feel they are still important and don't feel like you have to hide them.

    Another point is that therapy is based largely on consensual discussion. You can have a session and not talk at all (and yes for some this is the first step of them taking control). I'm sure your support worker will only refer you to someone trained in dealing with abuse and they will understand how important how you talk about the past issues and the respect the way you do so.

    Personally I've found sexual abuse hard. From my own experience I actually went into sex work to gain back control (I don't recommend this, I was already in the adult industry doing various other bits). But basically I needed to find a way I had control again and where consent was applied. It's still hard at times as the people involved sadly still pop up in my life and certain things trigger painful memories but I hold onto the present, as now they have no real control over that.

    There are life coaches and mindfulness coached who may be helpful for you if you want a less relaxed approach to working through the abuse. Some of the methods therapists use others don't, but even when my mind is a little muddled I've found a few methods relaxing and help find out what I'm really feeling as sometimes these feelings can become lost under the abusive ones.

    Maybe even consider something slower, such as tantric sex, but rather than going through most of the stages at once set one part of a tantric method you can do together each night even if it's just sitting there quietly learning to "breath" for 15 mins =). It can work as a nice way to build up to more.

    These are just a few things I've found helpful and others I know have too.

    Just remember the way you feel now isn't forever.

    1481030877
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5275
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    Thank you so much for all of your replies. They are all incredibly helpful!
    I think I am going to speak to my refuge worker about starting the therapy. I try to pretend the problem isn't there but I think I need to accept that it clearly is. maybe some people can get through it okay but I need to accept that I can't.

    Scorpius that is exactly how I feel about being judged and someone thinking it was my own fault.

    Mo D i do treat others like the enemy. I just get so defensive and put up a wall if I suspect anyone of trying to control me. It's wonderful to know someone who did the same was able to move on and have a happy relationship.

    Naughty Stacey I really like that analogy and it makes it a lot easier to think of things in that way.

    Stuburns it's extremely helpful to see how a couple deals with unmatched sex drives in a healthy relationship, thank you :)

    1481031176
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5275
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    Lady Ness wrote:

    Here are a few point to consider when tackling past abuse:

    Your pain isn't worth less than someone else's, your feelings matter, no matter how down they are making you feel they are still important and don't feel like you have to hide them.

    Another point is that therapy is based largely on consensual discussion. You can have a session and not talk at all (and yes for some this is the first step of them taking control). I'm sure your support worker will only refer you to someone trained in dealing with abuse and they will understand how important how you talk about the past issues and the respect the way you do so.

    Personally I've found sexual abuse hard. From my own experience I actually went into sex work to gain back control (I don't recommend this, I was already in the adult industry doing various other bits). But basically I needed to find a way I had control again and where consent was applied. It's still hard at times as the people involved sadly still pop up in my life and certain things trigger painful memories but I hold onto the present, as now they have no real control over that.

    There are life coaches and mindfulness coached who may be helpful for you if you want a less relaxed approach to working through the abuse. Some of the methods therapists use others don't, but even when my mind is a little muddled I've found a few methods relaxing and help find out what I'm really feeling as sometimes these feelings can become lost under the abusive ones.

    Maybe even consider something slower, such as tantric sex, but rather than going through most of the stages at once set one part of a tantric method you can do together each night even if it's just sitting there quietly learning to "breath" for 15 mins =). It can work as a nice way to build up to more.

    These are just a few things I've found helpful and others I know have too.

    Just remember the way you feel now isn't forever.

    Thank you :) I can completely understand why you turned to sex work. I will look into tantric sex that sounds like a brilliant suggestion!
    1481048268

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3117
    • Joined: 12 Sep 2010

    Vanilla Kink, let me start by saying how sorry I'm that every woman's rite too no by more important to enjoy the Simple pleasure your body can give you. Sex is a wonderful thing but the psychology of it is very delicate.

    For women the early years are so very important in your sexual awakening and for feminine confidence.

    Moving on its so amazing that all you've been through you feel you can reach out hear. The forum and people here are so very good at supporting, advice and most of all not judging .

    You've already made ahuge leap by understanding that what you had was not normal and that it was not your fault.

    Unfortunately their are some guys that for what ever reason feel they need to control women . No excuses for them but they are damaged in someway them self's. However thankfully they are not that numerous . good men understand that treating a woman equally and sharing the pleasure of sex . encouraging her to explore her body and yours , helping her to build her sexual confidence is related ten fold by that wonderfull feminine maternal instinct to repay giving pleasure with even more pleasure.

    Its my believe you will need a little professional help to steer you in the right direction

    I wish you all the very best.

    1481049276
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2072
    • Joined: 11 May 2013

    My first boyfriend was gay couldn't enter me, blamed me made me something was wrong with me, my ex husband carried this on saying it was exes fault I couldn't climax, said I was frigid but sulked if I said no to sex, after 17 years I left, other issues as well. My next boyfriend only lasted 3 months thank god, I only went with him to see if my body worked, then met hubby a year later. Told him all my past, first hugs, now mentally take away the pressure from christmas eve, have cuddles if you don't want sex, don't feel ready then don't, if you talk it through with oh, hugs again.

    1481069560
    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 235
    • Joined: 3 Jul 2014

    The long term fix is obviously therapy, but for the short-term, more immediate anxiety over things like xmas eve, I'd suggest having a chat with your partner where you negotiate a system where you're the initiator. You decide when and how sex happens. That takes the pressure off and the anxiety of feeling like you have to have sex when you're not upto it. If he's in any way understanding and cares about you, he'll fully understand and agree to this.

    All the best for the future, I'm sure you'll work through it eventually.

    1481070022
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5275
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    Gentle Giant - Thank you, It did take a while for me to get the courage to post this here but I was confident that the forum users would only be supportive, as they always are :) It was only a month or so ago at a group for victims that it all hit me. I literally felt like I was drowning in the realization. I haven't been able to go back since and thats why I didn't think I would be able to face therapy. However, discussing it here has actually made me feel slightly better (despite the fact it makes me cry lol), so I'm hopeful therapy may do the same.

    Kittencub - That is my fear that I will either end up in the same type of relationships as it seemed happened to you or I will push away any men that are decent with my issues. After posting this and reading some replies I did speak to him about christmas eve and he assured me that there was no pressure. I told him I just need the reassurance, over and over again, that if I don't want to do it then that is okay.

    1481070152
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5275
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    Eager-2-Please wrote:

    The long term fix is obviously therapy, but for the short-term, more immediate anxiety over things like xmas eve, I'd suggest having a chat with your partner where you negotiate a system where you're the initiator. You decide when and how sex happens. That takes the pressure off and the anxiety of feeling like you have to have sex when you're not upto it. If he's in any way understanding and cares about you, he'll fully understand and agree to this.

    All the best for the future, I'm sure you'll work through it eventually.

    Thank you :) That is exactly what I said to him earlier today. That just for now it needs to be me that initiates it, until I feel comfortable and trust him enough to believe he won't force anything.

    1481071061
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1767
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Hi VK I was really planning on staying away until after christmas as thats when the worst bit happened for me, in my abusive relationship.. But I just saw this, You know that me and Mamz have both been through pretty much the same kind of thing, with the same results you are suffering. And all we got on here was compassion and support, so don't worry about that.

    I just wanted to say the same as I told mamz, there never is a right time to go talk to someone, it never comes. I wasted a lifetime waiting for just such a momement, and it took an attempt at suicide for me to realise that I if I didn't at least try to get help I would succed next time.

    I also avoided other relationships for ovr 30 years for the same reasons you are having to mind. And I did chase away anyone who came near, with the exception of one individual who I should have avoided.

    So please don't waste any of your life like I did, waiting does not work. And i think evey one feels they may be told it was their own fault, or like me I belived it was my fault. You won't be judged just supported. I could not let go of the feeling that I would not be believed, and it messed up my therapy so badly.

    1481071227
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2072
    • Joined: 11 May 2013

    Vanilla_Kink wrote:

    Gentle Giant - Thank you, It did take a while for me to get the courage to post this here but I was confident that the forum users would only be supportive, as they always are :) It was only a month or so ago at a group for victims that it all hit me. I literally felt like I was drowning in the realization. I haven't been able to go back since and thats why I didn't think I would be able to face therapy. However, discussing it here has actually made me feel slightly better (despite the fact it makes me cry lol), so I'm hopeful therapy may do the same.

    Kittencub - That is my fear that I will either end up in the same type of relationships as it seemed happened to you or I will push away any men that are decent with my issues. After posting this and reading some replies I did speak to him about christmas eve and he assured me that there was no pressure. I told him I just need the reassurance, over and over again, that if I don't want to do it then that is okay.

    I'm so pleased for you, well done be proud of yourself, sounds like a good 9ne, I'm blessed now too with a loving husband.

    1481122253
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5275
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Hi VK I was really planning on staying away until after christmas as thats when the worst bit happened for me, in my abusive relationship.. But I just saw this, You know that me and Mamz have both been through pretty much the same kind of thing, with the same results you are suffering. And all we got on here was compassion and support, so don't worry about that.

    I just wanted to say the same as I told mamz, there never is a right time to go talk to someone, it never comes. I wasted a lifetime waiting for just such a momement, and it took an attempt at suicide for me to realise that I if I didn't at least try to get help I would succed next time.

    I also avoided other relationships for ovr 30 years for the same reasons you are having to mind. And I did chase away anyone who came near, with the exception of one individual who I should have avoided.

    So please don't waste any of your life like I did, waiting does not work. And i think evey one feels they may be told it was their own fault, or like me I belived it was my fault. You won't be judged just supported. I could not let go of the feeling that I would not be believed, and it messed up my therapy so badly.

    Thank you Alicia. I know you are absolutely right. Next time I see my refuge worker I intend to ask whether the therapy is still something she could arrange. I think posting this thread was my first step in realizing it's something I need help to get through.

    1481147207
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1821
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Ok, I've only read your original post and first reply, but nothing else, cause I feel it's gonna be a little too painful for me.

    As you know, I am in the same situation. Well, I was a little more than a year ago.

    The key thing about therapy on abuse is that the therapist has to go at the patient's pace. If you find a qualified therapist for this, they won't rush you. I think that having a therapy is a good thing. In fact, writting this comment makes me think about going back into it myself.

    and speaking from experience, the first step (or at least, a very important step) towards healing is accepting the fact that you are not ready to have sex. I too used to see events as "we'll have to have sex" and be very anxious about it, but it's not the way. I find that accepting the fact that I'm not going to want it and that we will not have it is the best option, because I get to feel ok with it and not feel guilty (for not providing the sex I should provide). It's very hard to do, but once you've learned to respect yourself and that it's ok that you don't feel like having sex when you don't, you'll be closer to having a healthy and satisfying sex life.

    I hope this is easy to understand, cause it's clear for me but I feel it does not come out as it should. I hope you're getting better. Believe me, I know how you feel.

    Love yourself for who you are, undependantly of what you want or not. Respect your needs.

    We love you

    take care

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.