• Anyone else used Relate? Will it help?

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    mondo1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi guys,

    I've not been on here for a very long time but some of you may recognise my name from a while back. To cut a very long story short, my wife and I have a very serious problem with our sex lives. Despite being in a very loving and enjoyable relationship, we have no sex at all because my wife has no sex drive and basically never has had one. I, on the other hand, have quite a high sex drive, and consequently our lack of sex is a big problem.

    We have tried everything we could possibly think of but everything has either failed or made things worse. As a last resort, we are trying Relate therapy to see if that will help. We booked an appointment to see them a couple of months ago and the woman agreed that we are good candidates for the therapy but that we couldn't formally start until there was an opening in their schedule, which may be weeks or months away. So now we're in this limbo period where we're just waiting to hear back.

    What concerns me is that I don't know how successful Relate are with problems like ours. I know of people who have 'lost' their sex drive being helped to get it back by Relate but I've no idea how they cope with people who really haven't ever had a sex drive. Has anyone on here had similar problems to ours, or had to see Relate about anything similar?

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    Morbidia [sign in to see picture]
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    Well, i had to wait 8 months for an appointment, not with Relate specifically, but to see a similar person, and 8 months is a hell of a difference to them saying to you that it could be a few weeks or months.

    All i can say is, providing the counsellor you see is ideal for you, meaning you get along with them, you are able to open up to them, and if you've had this problem for a long time, and have tried everything you feel you can, then what is a few weeks or months, if it could possibly help a hell of alot?

    Bare in mind, if you both dont feel comfortable with the counsellor, dont feel bad to request a different one, its all about finding the right one.

    I wish you luck xx

    1263405064
    mondo1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Morbidia,

    Thanks for your reply. The wait, although very frustrating, is not a problem long term and if that's how long it takes then that's what it will take. The good news is that my wife liked the counsellor so that's a very good start, and she seemed decent enough to me.

    Although presumably you may have seen a similar person for a different reason to ours, did you find it worked out ok?

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    Morbidia [sign in to see picture]
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    I didnt see one for relationship issues, but i have been to relate in regards to volunteering with them, they're a really great organisation from my experience

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    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    It might seem scary, but ask yourself this. Can it make it worse?

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    Elcano [sign in to see picture]
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    It seems that you are both aware of the issue and recognise that communication is important in resolution of any problems - so if Relate help to facilitate that communication, then it can't hurt!

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    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    Good luck to you both - I feel for both of you.

    The main starting point wiht therapy is that both partners want to get things right. If either one doesn't it won;t work (I'm certainly NOT saying that here).

    Some friends of mine had a simialr problem - but the husband wasn't bothered. He preferred wankingto internet porn to his rather lovely wife (whom I've always had a bit of a thing for !!). I couldn't understand why he wasn't bothered ... Still don;t. Needless to say it didn't work for them.

    However after an ... indiscretion I committed my wife and I had therapy (and I had separate therapy to get to the bottom of my problems) and even though we've been through marriage breaking times (all my fault) but I'm getting to love her more and more - the way she ought to be loved. There's still a way to go for me but we're getting there - largely thanks to RELATE.

    Go for it and I really hope it work out for you.

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    kryptonite [sign in to see picture]
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    Going to see a sex therapist is something i think i have to start considering. I have had a 'low desire' issue for far too long now and it's become a major issue between me and my OH. So much so, that we're not talking at the moment because he's fed up with feeling unwanted and there being no solution.

    I've literally ran out of options.

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    poppy904 [sign in to see picture]
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    i wasnt happy with relate, myself. but then, i didnt want to stay with my ex and was very clear about that. i just went to explain why i felt the way i did. but i wasnt happy with my relate counseller. i went twice then wouldnt go anymore. i felt that he was "taking sides" and like i had to convince him of my reasons for leaving, which i shouldnt have to do

    but if you want it to work, and you get a counseller you are both happy with, then go for it

    sorry to be the one that gives them a rubbish review, though!! x

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    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Well if you don't want to stay with somebody and explicitly explain this to relate they shouldn't be trying to change your mind Poppy. You're in the right girl! SG69 x

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    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    Absolutely SG69 - Relate / sexual therapy (indeed any couples' therapy) can only work if both partners WANT it to work.

    Often Relates work will be to help partners divorce / go their separate ways if necessary

    1263471204
    mondo1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi everyone,

    Thanks for all your feedback. I'll have to wait and see what happens. We both want this to work and although my wife doesn't really have any sex drive, she does want to have a sex drive so hopefully that's a good sign. We don't have sex at all at the moment so I can't see how talking a therapist could make things worse - I just hope we don't have to wait too much longer.

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    mondo1 [sign in to see picture]
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    I know how you feel brown-eyed-kitty, it can be really tough sometimes but then at other times it doesn't seem like that much of a problem. It's often when I am reminded of the fact that some people have really good sex-lives that I find it difficult as that seems impossible for me now.

    Most of the time I just try to ignore it and focus on the great things we do together that make us both happy.

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    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sam66 wrote:

    Absolutely SG69 - Relate / sexual therapy (indeed any couples' therapy) can only work if both partners WANT it to work.

    Often Relates work will be to help partners divorce / go their separate ways if necessary

    We used mediation to sort the divorce out rather than tear each other to pieces in court you just tear each other to bits in a small room instead! Definitely a help when things get heated. . . .over money as usual! I can laugh now but wasn't at the time.

    SG69

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    Bruce Banner [sign in to see picture]
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    Mondo I joined this forum today to search advice on the exactly this problem. My girlfriend and I have been together for going on four years now and our sex life has dwindled to nothing. My girlfriend is riddled with anxiety about her low sex drive especially being twentysomething (Her age has also set her against the idea of seeking help as she believes she is too young to have to seek advice on such matters). The problem is exacerbated by the fact that circumstances have kept us in a long distance relationship for some time.

    I'm happy the two of you are working together towards a solution. Please let us know if you make any progress and please share any advice you think will help.

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    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello Bruce Banner and welcome to the forums! Just a quick reply as I realy ought to be revising but I can really relate to your problem so thought I would add my thoughts :)

    I am 19, I am in my 5th year with my fella and we spent 3 years long distance - snap :)

    I have a fairly low sex drive, problems with fatigue (this is definately related to my sex drive) and sought help for pain during sex. I saw a doctor, who referred me to a gynae etc. At the same time I saw another doctor about chronic pain and fatigue I was suffering with and referred to a rheumatologist for this. I have since been diagnosed with a chronic joint pain condition which includes symptoms of chronic fatigue. I unfortunately never received a diagnosis for my pain during sex, however I have since discovered it may be due to my joint condition which can cause skin sensitivity.

    Anyway - my point in all this background is....If your partners sex drive has *changed* then it is worth her speaking to a doctor about it - it is not silly for a young 'un to ask for advice, I've sought advice on sex myself, had lots of different investagative procedures and none of my doctors batted an eyelid - and to be frank, none of my friends did either!! That's my first point. My second is - it's not always sex related that causes a low sex drive, in my case it is pain and fatigue so if your partner sees a doctor, get her to write down anything that may have changed around the same time as the change in sex drive (i.e. medication, stress, tiredness, change in job etc.)

    As for long distance - ness, when I was in an LDR I found that my sex drive lowered in between seeing each other (about once a month) in order to protect myself from frustration and it would take a few days for me to get my "horniness" back when I saw my OH again, I found a few days of just cuddling generally helped as a natural response to being away from an OH is to "distance" yourself emotionally - just take time to reconnect :)

    Hope some of this helps - please correct me if I have made any wrong assumptions and ignore the waffle :P

    Good luck

    Ax

    Oh one more point to consider - there is no point in your OH being anxious about a low sex drive - that is something you must help her work on as her problem will never resolve itself whilst she is worried! Worry will only exacerbate the problem. Perhaps work on spending "intimate" time with her without sex? Perhaps a relaxing massage or a long soak in the bath, some way of connecting with no expectations of sex, you might find her sex drive increasing just because of the lack of expectations (I could go on a massive rant about expectations involving sex in society so I'll leave it there hehe :P)

    Take care

    Ax

    1264042517
    poppy904 [sign in to see picture]
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    SEXYGET 69 wrote:

    Sam66 wrote:

    Absolutely SG69 - Relate / sexual therapy (indeed any couples' therapy) can only work if both partners WANT it to work.

    Often Relates work will be to help partners divorce / go their separate ways if necessary

    We used mediation to sort the divorce out rather than tear each other to pieces in court you just tear each other to bits in a small room instead! Definitely a help when things get heated. . . .over money as usual! I can laugh now but wasn't at the time.

    SG69

    mediation definately worked for me. my advice on that would be not to go for the mediation company that the solicitor suggests (they are supposed to be impartial, but they arent) and ask someone at the courts themselves to suggest one not employed by any solicitors. took 3 different mediators (me walking out of one in tears and walking into court without a repesentative) to work that one out!! x

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    SweetSubmission [sign in to see picture]
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    I would recommend relate to anyone, and you can go alone if your partner won't attend, which can still be very useful. They can also recommend mediators who are entirely impartial. It might be worth mentioning when booking that the problem is sex related as some but not all of the counsellors specialise in sex therapy.

    As for not seeking help if you're young - I can't see any logic there at all.

    SS xx

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