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  1. Love life was dead before it started. Any help?

    1262545633
    shadowking [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    Hi,

    I have read the forums for a while but have always been too nervous to post but here goes:

    I have been with my wife for 7 years of dating and 3 1/2 years of marriage. We are both now 31yrs old. Before marriage she had a strict no sex policy and I repected that. We would play with each other every couple of weeks ( i would have prefered much more frequent but everything was going to change after we got married and lived together)

    Outside the bedroom we get on so well

    Nothing changed and 3 1/2 years later i do not know what to do. I have tried everything that i can think of to spice up our sex life and make it more interesting. We have sex 2 -3 a month ( generally on a sunday morning) and it is exactly the same ever time and requires a lot of lube every time.

    I have asked her repeatly about what she would like to do and she just replies whatever you want but never suggests anything and i have 6 times sat down with her and tried to discuss what I see as a problem and she doesn't. I alway get the same answer back at the end: I will TRY

    I have bought her expensive ( and i mean the national debt of a small country) underwear that she loves and wears to work then returns home and puts on her PJ's. I have bought slutty underwear that got worn once then put away, I bought her a vibrator that she "likes" but does not use, gave her money and she bought herself a vibrator that she does not use. i bought the beginners bondage set that i thought was fantastic and it got put away.

    I have now given up and stopped trying to initiate sex as feel like i am begging.

    Sorry for the long story but i am so frustrated and just don't know what to do. Anyone out there that can help or suggest anything? I will try anything.

    Thanks Folks

    1262546157
    JayGee [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello and welcome to the forums shadowking

    I'm really sorry to hear your story but I do feel the need to ask - what did you get married for in the first place?

    I'm not being cheeky here, but there must be at least one reason why you made a committment to this woman? Maybe you both need to look at that and try to recapture the joy and excitement of the early days, if there ever was any. Also, what kind of work do you both do? Are there any other issues? It's a well used response here but maybe you should talk, but not about sex initially.

    Best of luck x

    1262546340
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    JayGee wrote:

    Hello and welcome to the forums shadowking

    I'm really sorry to hear your story but I do feel the need to ask - what did you get married for in the first place?

    I'm not being cheeky here, but there must be at least one reason why you made a committment to this woman? Maybe you both need to look at that and try to recapture the joy and excitement of the early days, if there ever was any. Also, what kind of work do you both do? Are there any other issues? It's a well used response here but maybe you should talk, but not about sex initially.

    Best of luck x

    i think you can see he loves his wife, they get on well out side the bedroom. :-/

    a very difficult situation your in here, one of the first things i wondered if it might have been her up bringing or religon(sp) that has made her this way towards sex?

    1262546697
    JayGee [sign in to see picture]
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    diamonds wrote:

    i think you can see he loves his wife, they get on well out side the bedroom. :-/

    a very difficult situation your in here, one of the first things i wondered if it might have been her up bringing or religon(sp) that has made her this way towards sex?

    If folks get on well, that's a basis for a friendship. What I clumsily meant was, there must have been some spark, some "oomph" that took it beyond that? Where has that gone?

    If you can't talk to her shadowking, and I hope you can (if you can tell us strangers, you can tell her), then I think some kind of outside preofesional counselling might be your next step...

    1262546820
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya shadowking and welcome to the forum!

    I'm really sorry to hear about the difficulties you and your wife are experiencing. It sounds to me like there is going to be a hell of a lot more to the story and a lot of complicated factors that have contributed to your being in this situation. I don't really know where to begin!

    It does sound to me like a problem that would benefit greatly from some couples counselling. Relate are a national organisation that can help with all sorts of relationship issues and I think they would be your best bet for sorting things out: http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

    Ultimately though its going to be a compromise and you'll both have to ask yourselves:

    a) how important is my marriage and b) how important is sex. Then you'll need to decide together on what you're willing to do to keep each other happy and keep the relationship afloat.

    Best of luck and sorry I can't be of much more help!

    xxKPxx

    1262546904
    SEXYGET 69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello Shadowking and welcome to the forums fella.

    My oh my this is a tough one mate. You seem to have tried everything possible as far as I can see except proffesional councilling. In every instance I would suggest sitting your partmer down and talking through things explicitly which you have done but have not had a positive response, several times. I suspect that you had an idea it was going to be like this before you were married. She obviously has a low sex drive. Do you have any kids? Is she tired? Does she have any medical issues that would cause this? Does she constantly worry? All's I can say is seek proffesional help mate. You've appeared to have exhausted all other options. Sometimes fella you just have to live with these things, if two people have different sex drives and I believe most people do, that's the way it is. But . . . .she does need to open up and talk to you at least not just say I will try etc. She needs to air her thoughts on it. Try asking her to write it down on paper if she can't speak about it.

    Sorry I can't be of more help SK.

    Hope you stick around anyways dude.

    SG69

    1262546905
    shadowking [sign in to see picture]
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    Neither of us are particularly religious but we were both brought up in quite formal religious homes ( we're from Ireland ) and we are both quite successful professionals. We talk regularly about work, ife and family and the only time things become ackward is about sex. I don't know of any other issues or childhood problems...

    The best / worse thing is I really do love my wife to bits and can never see me doing anything to hurt her in any way but this has me so wound up and upset.

    1262547028
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    JayGee wrote:

    diamonds wrote:

    i think you can see he loves his wife, they get on well out side the bedroom. :-/

    a very difficult situation your in here, one of the first things i wondered if it might have been her up bringing or religon(sp) that has made her this way towards sex?

    If folks get on well, that's a basis for a friendship. What I clumsily meant was, there must have been some spark, some "oomph" that took it beyond that? Where has that gone?

    If you can't talk to her shadowking, and I hope you can (if you can tell us strangers, you can tell her), then I think some kind of outside preofesional counselling might be your next step...

    he did say that they had some play before marriage and for love i think there has to be a spark and if it was a no sex before marriage im guessing you wouldnt be expecting much till after the wedding? :-/

    i think some relationships run on everything but sex, that its not a factor at all and for some that works and is normal for them but i think to most of us on here that would be very strange and un-natrual.

    if that is the case for her, it is unfair of her to expect him to have a none sexual relationship if thats not whats his ever expressed an intreast in.

    i dont think all this is coming our right, i know what im trying to say but im not sure ive wrote it write? :-S.

    Dxx

    1262547846
    TVWill [sign in to see picture]
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    A wonderful relationship without interest in sex is friendship, it might just be that you're great friends?

    A relationship counsillor might be able to help, if both of you are willing.

    1262548194
    shadowking [sign in to see picture]
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    Cheers Sexyget, JayGee, Diamonds and Kittypurry

    I tried the writing it down thing about a year ago but she didn't want to.

    I think i am going to have to bite the bullet and suggest councilling.

    Thanks for the advice. Let me know if you have any other good ideas.

    Shadowking

    1262548263
    shadowking [sign in to see picture]
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    And TVWill too.

    1262548321
    ithinkiamdirty [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi shadowking,

    Sorry to read about your troubles, but i honestly think the best advice you can both have is to seek advice from experts from somewhere like relate or another form relationship councillor. From what you have written it looks like you have a friendship and not a relationship. I am no expert though, i hope you can both resolve this,

    Cheers

    1262548702
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    shadowking wrote:

    Cheers Sexyget, JayGee, Diamonds and Kittypurry

    I tried the writing it down thing about a year ago but she didn't want to.

    I think i am going to have to bite the bullet and suggest councilling.

    Thanks for the advice. Let me know if you have any other good ideas.

    Shadowking

    No problem at all I think the only lasting solution will be counselling, I really think it will help.

    In the meantime you could try a trick that i use when I'm horny and my OH isn't in the mood:

    masturbation while my partner kisses me and strokes my body. Minimal effort for him, relief for me and intimate connection for us both.

    xxKPxx

    1262548867
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    ok i can now sum up what i was trying to say...

    to me its coming across that the wife sees your relationship to be more of a companionship, which i think of as loving someone, kissing/hugging, wanting to spend time with them, so more then a friendship but sex is not part of it :- companionship

    i think the others are right and going to RELATE would be the best option but if you wife doesnt think theres a problem then you could have trouble getting her to go. if she wouldnt go i would still suggest contacting them yourself though

    Dxx

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Companionship

    1262555381
    sexy little minx [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi shadowking and welcome to the forums.

    Sorry to hear about your problem but good for you wanting to sort things out.

    I think it is a shame your wife doesn't see it as a problem. I am just throwing this in but does your wife have any confidence problems? I know that with myself as my confidence has grown I have become a lot more open in the bedroom.

    I agree with everyone else that councelling sounds like the best road to go down, that is if your wife will agree.

    Sorry I can't be of much help but wish you both the best of luck. Let us know how you get on. x

    1262562606
    Fr33b1rd [sign in to see picture]
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    Please accept this as my opinion without any offence.

    Shadowking this does not sound good at all. Without wanting to be all doom and gloom, have you tried telling your wife that her lack of respect for your needs is at the least selfish and that you do not deserve not will you let her dismiss you in these ways again. You have a right to be heard and her response that she will try, which from your tone comes across as dismissive, is not sufficient from a spouse.

    At a very minimum you need couples counselling.

    1262603974
    Ilovemyman [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Shadowking, i'm roughly the same age as you, i really feel for you. Do you think it's because your wife feels unexperienced and doesn't really know what to do? Maybe she needs some encouragement to try new things? Does she enjoy sex when it actually happens? Does she orgasm? Do you mainly have sex on a sunday because you both work long hours? Do you have children? Sorry for all of the questions but i think there could be many reasons for the way she is feeling. xxx

    1262607108
    cj1972 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya shadowking,

    I read your post and heres what I think: there was no sex before you married her, she's not a sexual person and didnt want it or it was not high on her list of priorities, then she is unlikely to change because it could simply be just the way that she is, we all have different sex drives and perhaps you are opposites. You say you have bought her 'slutty' underwear, maybe she doesn't like it - not all women like that kind of thing, maybe you could ask her to make a list of things that at least make her feel seually or romantially 'warm' no matter what they are, get her to write them down and see if she can open any doors that way.But some people do not have asex drive, and when the other person has a healthy one or a sex drive that is quite high, having adisinterested partner can be very frustrating and when you get on in other areas so well itcan make it all the ore frustrating because the other person does not understand that you seesomething is missing - because sex isnot a priority to them, I have my wn experience of having a parter with disinterest in sex, it is frustrating, but at the end of the day, peoplecan't change their basic nature and theres nothing you can do except hpe you can meet some midleground. But at least she wants sex sometimes, that has to be better than once a year or noe at all, I hope things improve for you both together soon.

    1262610224
    shadowking [sign in to see picture]
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    Ilovemyman wrote:

    Hi Shadowking, i'm roughly the same age as you, i really feel for you. Do you think it's because your wife feels unexperienced and doesn't really know what to do? Maybe she needs some encouragement to try new things? Does she enjoy sex when it actually happens? Does she orgasm? Do you mainly have sex on a sunday because you both work long hours? Do you have children? Sorry for all of the questions but i think there could be many reasons for the way she is feeling. xxx

    My wife had only one boyfriend before we started dating and i had several relationships. we knew each other about 4 years before we started dating and were good friends. I have tried to encourage her to try new things but never forced the issue or become bad tempered when she said no. She says she enjoys sex and does orgasm when we have sex.

    She works 9-5 and i work shifts and I am away 1 weekend in 3 with work so she has time to herself if she needs it. We both have quite stressful jobs but we talk about our work to each other regularly and work through those types of problems with ease. We went on a week long beach holiday last year to relax and did not have sex once so i don't think i can blame stress for this one. We don't have any children and have no plans to.

    Hornstar: believe it or not its me that is the catholic not her (hense the guilt and nervousness at posting here) and she is very close to her mother and phones her almost everyday. We live about 45mins away from them and go and see them every weekend I'm home. They are nice people but her mother is very controlling. Her mother has been unwell (genuinely) from before we first met.

    cj1972: The "slutty" underwear was bought after i had assessed what she liked normally and bought her the nicest set of that i could find ( in the correct size no less ). She wears that regularly but not for me as such and not at the weekend. I bought the "slutty" underwear as an attempt spice things up and make her feel sexy. It was not cheap or nasty just something you wouldn't wear out of the house. She wore it once and i have never seen it again.

    1262610714
    shadowking [sign in to see picture]
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    I should also mention that my wife has issues of control. She has to be in control of herself at all times. As an example she and i would go out drinking with friends a couple of times a months but she will only ever have 4 drinks at most because anymore might make her drunk and lose control. I have only seen her drunk once and she cried because of it. She does not judge me if i get drunk she just doesn't.

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