• I need honest answers to this difficult question

    1260657412
    NaughtyT [sign in to see picture]
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    I have been married a year now, my husband is a body builder and all his gym sessions etc take it on off him and he doesnt want sex as much as I do. Now i have a high sex drive and when we first met the first year was full of sex filled antics. Since we have been married its dwindled and the last few months have been like a bleeding droute!

    Im not the cheating type and dont want to have to go down that route but I refuse to be in a marriage where i get sex once or twice a week and feel like im the one forcing him to and hes doing it out of pity.

    I have talked to him alot about it but he always ends up snapping saying im a nympho and i want it too much and its not healthy. In all other aspects of our marriage things are fine and i have been leaving the subject so not to pressure him but as wonderful as love honey toys are i dont want to rely on subsitutes all the time.

    What advice can you ladies give me?

    1260657547
    diamonds [sign in to see picture]
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    i thought once or twice a week was the national avarage of married couples :-S

    but if you do a search on the fourms theres loads of topics with good replys in them about couples with one person having a higher sex drive then there partner

    diamonds

    1260658009
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    Try and talk to him about it in a calm manner. If you stay calm and collected he might be less inclined to shout at you.

    Compromise is an important thing. Try and find what is the maximum he would want sex in say a week, and then compare it to your minimum, then try and find a happy medium.

    I'm fairly sure there was something from Tracey Cox in the LH blog back along addressing this - that would be worth a look at.

    1260658517
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not saying be quite so clinical, but knowing where each person stands can be a good idea. It seems here that each person has a different sex drive, so first it's important to establish the extent and limit of each sex drive. You cant find a compromise or middle ground until you know where the two boundaries are, and if you're not making a compromise then it's just not fair.

    1260658937
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    blackburnmale wrote:

    Ecksvie, I'm not being funny but you cant be saying (male) wants sex twice a week and (female) wants sex 6 times a week, so we will agree to have sex 4 times a week - why not go the whole hog and nominate days and maybe even book an appointment?????

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, but please .....

    We nominate days so to speak and it works just fine....It might sound clinical but it means I (a person who has chronic fatigue) can conserve my energy on those days, and we can spend time getting in the mood....it works for 2 busy people!

    I have a lower sex drive than my OH, Naughty T but I compromise, I don't feel like sex, but I'll give my OH head, or let him come in my mouth every day so that he gets what he needs, then we tend to have shared sex 2 - 3 times per week (often on the weekend when I'm less tired). How about suggesting this to your OH and asking if he minds giving you a helping hand (so to speak) when he isn't in the mood? Even if he just lent you his fingers to come on? That might help you?

    Ax

    1260659048
    lil-mumma-lola [sign in to see picture]
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    if u love him n are happy in all other areas in the relationship then the only thing i can thing of do it yourself babe get a nice toy when u feel randy sort urself out

    1260659371
    bride2b [sign in to see picture]
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    i guess theres always the teasing method,buy some new undies,model them for him and see what happens,some men just need a prod in the right direction,,talk about things you can use together,things hes comfortable with and try to get over it together

    1260662624
    Sam66 [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm a bit of a fitness freak myself - though my 'fix' is running.

    I go to the gym 5 / 6 times a week too - but I don't body build...

    BUT (and this is VERY difficult) you need to know if he is on any steroids ... this is SO difficult to broach but those things hae a really bad effect on male sex drive ( so I'm told ...)

    Don't be confrontational - that will only make things worse.

    As a bloke I would be very upset if I was not able to satisfy my wife, but I would want to be told that in a non aggressive, non blaming way.

    1260713428
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    NaughtyT wrote:

    I have been married a year now, my husband is a body builder and all his gym sessions etc take it on off him and he doesnt want sex as much as I do. Now i have a high sex drive and when we first met the first year was full of sex filled antics. Since we have been married its dwindled and the last few months have been like a bleeding droute!

    Im not the cheating type and dont want to have to go down that route but I refuse to be in a marriage where i get sex once or twice a week and feel like im the one forcing him to and hes doing it out of pity.

    I have talked to him alot about it but he always ends up snapping saying im a nympho and i want it too much and its not healthy. In all other aspects of our marriage things are fine and i have been leaving the subject so not to pressure him but as wonderful as love honey toys are i dont want to rely on subsitutes all the time.

    What advice can you ladies give me?

    The part of what you said which sets my alarm bells ringing the most is this:

    "I have talked to him alot about it but he always ends up snapping saying im a nympho and i want it too much and its not healthy."

    What that says to me is that if you try to talk to your partner about what you need, his priorities are more about trying to pass the buck and blame you, and less about trying to make it better however he can. I've been in relationships like this where it just wasn't safe for me to express my needs to my partner because they'd just blame me for whatever I was lacking or wanting or needing instead of taking responsibility for their part in it and helping to work towards a solution. Those relationships always ended.

    You say in all other aspects your marriage is fine. However, based on what you said, I'm wondering if there are any other topics you feel you cannot raise with him because his response is unhelpful? If so, I think this may be a significant issue which seriously needs addressing.

    Imagine turning this around, if he wanted more sex with you and instead of trying to figure out what to do about it, you accused him of being an unhealthy nymphomaniac? I think you're quite right to be concerned about this, and I'd suggest looking closely at your life with your partner and asking yourself if there are any areas which might be symptoms of the same problem.

    Good luck.

    1260881586
    KinkyWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    You might want to check this book out - 'The Sex Starved Wife'. Same author as the Sex Starved Marriage.

    http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Wife-What-When-Desire/dp/0743266269

    She has a forum on this over at http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php - lots of friendly people there in similar situations.

    He should be making time for you - even if he can't manage the act itself.

    1260894572
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey NT

    Sorry to hear about your problem with your OH. I think theres a few other threads you might be able to get some info from, you're definately not alone: http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/search/?q=low+libido&s=all

    I think we're all built differently so there's going to be relationships where the sex-drives don't match and mine is no exception. I'm horny or very nearly horny most of the time and while my partner is also very sexual, my sex drive is higher.

    For our relationship sex toys are an important part of keeping me satisfied without pressuring him. If I'm in the mood but my partner isn't I just have a play by myself. Sometimes my partner will join in by stroking my breasts and giving me kisses while I play so we still feel connected.

    Other little things that keep me a very contented girl are:

    - sitting on my OHs lap while he's at his desk and I either masturbate with my hand or his or I rub against his thigh.

    - straddling my partner's back and rubbing against his tailbone while he lies face down (I've also straddled his neck and done this) ... it's very pleasurable for me and is aparently a lovely massage for him.

    I think the most important thing though is communication. My partner and I have a great relationship where I can be a nympho sex-pest and he can say no, and noones feelings get hurt. We can make light of the situation because I know it's not me that he's rejecting and he knows that I won't mind if he refuses.

    My OH and I are always open and honest about our needs and one thing that we never do is blame each other or call each other names. I think it's very unfair that your partner is being cruel about your physical needs, which you can't help anymore than he can help his! I can understand it being difficult not wanting as much sex as a partner but getting defensive and snappy is not helpful to anyone. I think your partner is possibly feeling immasculated and insecure to react the way he has when you try and talk to him. I just wonder if maybe some couples counselling would help, so you can have a third party to referee your discussions?

    Hope this is vaguely helpful!

    xxKPxx

    1260896435
    Wizzie86 [sign in to see picture]
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    I have a very high sex drive. When me and my ex got together we had a lot of sex, which did dwindle further into the relationship. He also had health problems, which affected our sex life. He was always very considerate towards me, if he couldn't have sex then he would always encourage me to play with myself and would hold me so that i still had contact with him. Sometimes he'd whisper things into my ear. Mismatched libidos are very difficult but you've said he hasn't always been this way. Your partners extreme mood swings could be a symptom of taking steroids or they could indicate high stress levels. Cheating isn't the right way to go. I suggest looking at any other problem areas in your relationship and trying to identify any other 'touchy' subjects with your OH, as they could inter-relate? X

    1260897198
    Mushy [sign in to see picture]
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    NaughtyT,

    Are you saying that his sex drive has actually diminished since your man started going to the gym or is the gym bit not relevant to this?

    The only reason I ask is that in my case going to the gym actually perked up my libido, they say the fitter you are the more you want it and is certainly the case for me.

    I used to USED TO

    1260897198
    Mushy [sign in to see picture]
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    NaughtyT,

    Are you saying that his sex drive has actually diminished since your man started going to the gym or is the gym bit not relevant to this?

    The only reason I ask is that in my case going to the gym actually perked up my libido, they say the fitter you are the more you want it and is certainly the case for me.

    I used USED TO

    1260897200
    Mushy [sign in to see picture]
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    NaughtyT,

    Are you saying that his sex drive has actually diminished since your man started going to the gym or is the gym bit not relevant to this?

    The only reason I ask is that in my case going to the gym actually perked up my libido, they say the fitter you are the more you want it and is certainly the case for me.

    I used to avoid USED TO

    1260897369
    Mushy [sign in to see picture]
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    I am not sure what happened there, a triple bloody post that had not ended, sorry and all that.

    All I was going to say was that I used to avoid awkward questions in the same was as your OH, its a tactic people employ when they feel they dont want to talk about certain things, maybe he just feels guilty about not being able to keep up with you or something?

    1260984753
    ithinkiamdirty [sign in to see picture]
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    NaughtyT wrote:

    Sorry to hear about your troubles, as a man it may be difficult for me to reply, but talking is the only way to resolve this issue as hard as it might be, i do a great deal of exercise and i dont generally feel this way, however if he is workout at his maximum rate then when he gets home he may not have the drive needed as all his energy has been burnt up at the gym and the chemicals in his body will not make sex high on his list of things to do, where as a nice meal and sleep will. For example, i could go for a long run say 8 miles, do some sit ups, press ups etc, a good workout, when i get home i might not be motivated enough for sex because my body is telling me to rest.

    If thats the issue then he needs to work out less, maybe go every other day to the gym, after all he wants the marriage to work. Its good to have a high sex drive he should count himself lucky that you do!

    He is wrong to snap at you, very wrong, and you must talk about it otherwise it will manifest itself into much more troubled water. Please dont get me wrong, but is it possible he may be playing away?

    1261237186
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    [Devil's advocate mode on]

    I reckon most of the comments so far have been spot on and universally supportive of the OP.

    However, I find it interesting that a rather different view was expressed by some commentators to the Tracy Cox blog back in October.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/blog/2009/10/23/ask-tracey-cox-23-october/

    In that case it seemed there were some who thought it OK for the bloke to go without sex with his wife for 6 months and that it was apparently OK that she didn't want to discuss it.

    I'm just wondering if any of those that posted criticising Tracy for her position in that blog would like to comment on this thread. 8-)

    [Devil's advocate mode off]

    1261243032
    MaxPower [sign in to see picture]
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    To me it seemed like Tracey was saying that it's perfectly reasonable for your partner to expect sex as part of a monogamous, long-term relationship but if that partner can't be bothered to make the effort, then it's a problem.

    From what Naughty T has said so far, it looks like her body building hubby just isn't making that effort. And to make life even harder, he won't discuss this maturely as an equal partner.

    How to solve this? I really don't know. Maybe couple conselling or sex therapy could work?

    1261321287
    Gyrator53 [sign in to see picture]
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    But in the blog the questioner says "but I resent my husband hassling me" - no suggestion of rape - he presumably wanted to talk about it (just as in this case). So why the difference in attitude especially as, in the blog case the husband wasn't just getting it less frequently than he wanted - he wasn't getting it at all.

    Although there is not much detail of the case in Tracy's blog it would seem that the two situations are rather similar (especially as regards the communication issue) except for the degree of privation and the genders.

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