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  1. Coming out ... with a bit of a twist

    Cheeky_Monkey [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 8 Nov 2015

    So, not really sure where to start, but looking for a bit of advice.

    I've been with my partner for over 18 years (we're both female) and we're both very happy together and have a very good relationship and (usually) talk everything over.
    We had a great sex life at the beginning - and then as we've grown older, and I suppose more and more comfortable, this has taken a bit of a back burner - with often incompatible libidos.
    This hasn't been helped by the fact that we're both starting to hit the menopause at the same time - which is nothing short of a hideous nightmare!! But that's another story!

    Anyway, we've always joked that neither of us are each other's type - in fact, quite the opposite - but that didn't seem to matter really. We get on great, love hanging out together, share the same humour, etc etc - but in recent years I've started to get increasing fantasies about blokes.
    This isn't a problem in itself, and I'm very comfortable in my sexuality. When I was younger, and especially coming out as "gay", it was always important to me to need to define myself as something - especially in terms of sexuality (at a time when it wasn't quite as accepted as it is now, and you were either straight, gay or bisexual - and in the working class town I grew up in, gay wasn't received with open arms). With hindsight, age and experience, I've grown to realise that sexuality is a very fluid thing and that if you define yourself as something, then all you do is limit yourself to an endless world of opportunity and experience. I'll have to admit that the LH forums have also introduced me to a whole different dimension of self-exploration, that's been nothing short of an education!

    However. So here I am, 18+ years on (actually, 30 since I came out ) and I'm suddenly realising that actually I'm starting to find men sexually attractive. It's like the teenage kid in the bedroom scenario all over again, but this time in reverse! This has led to me starting to buy the realistic dildos (which my partner doesn't really like, but she knows I use them - and she's used them on me, but mainly to please me, not because she wants to) - and now I've found myself even looking at the male sex dolls! Now, a dildo I can quite discreetly store in a bedside table, but a sex doll is a completely different kettle of fish! I can't imagine any kind of explanation is going to convince her that it's a perfectly acceptable bangle holder in the corner of the bedroom, no matter how hard I try!

    So I'm not quite sure what I'm saying here! I'm not interested in finding someone to explore my sexual urges with, but equally, a vivid imagination and a realistic dildo don't always cut the mark.
    I'm the biggest advocate of talking things through with your partner - and I have to some extent - but there comes a point when I can't bring myself to say "I'm not attracted to you as much as I used to be, and wouldn't mind a bit of blokey experimentation"- partly because I adore my partner and would never do anything to hurt her - and partly because I'm not actually interested in blokey experimentation as an extra-marital pastime. I categorically would never cheat on my partner and have no intention of leaving her. I would never do anything that I didn't talk to my partner about first.
    We've tried strap-ons, but that hasn't been a massive turn on, to be honest - despite lots of foreplay and extensive experimentation.

    So I'm finding myself increasingly frustrated - because my partner doesn't want sex - and I'm not in a position (pardon the pun) to experiment and explore "new found" aspects of my sexuality.

    Has anyone else discovered new and seemingly incompatible elements to their sex life that they've been unable to explore with their partner? If so, how did you overcome it?
    I'm not really expecting anyone to be able to come up with a miracle solution, but thanks for giving me the opportunity to actually get my "confession" out in the open - which is a healthy start to addressing the problem.

    Any the male sex dolls. Anyone used one?!! We're both quite sporty - perhaps I could convince her it's a twist on the old game of quoits?!! The first to get a bullseye gets a "Community Chest Orgasm"?!!

    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you thought of trying a suction cup dildo attached to the headboard while in the 69 position with your partner? You could back onto it during oral sex so you get the feel of a man's penis (sort of) without adding in the extra person.

    Not sure if this could be an option for you:)

    No experience of using a sex doll to give you advice. Sorry.
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    You have got your self quite the conudrum, I'm bi-sexual and by far I prefer receiving anal sex to giving with a woman. Out of choice I don't bother with a gay relationships, I just never get on with guys, outside of the bedroom. I do get female partners willing to use a strapon, and have learned to merge the two feelings of being with a guy and being with a woman, ok so it feels totally different but it's mostly an in the head where the difference lays, and I have come to accept that thats what I have chosen so thats the only way it can be.

    I would never cheat in a relationship, and go looking for man flesh to satisfiy what is only a sexual urge with no emotional conection. Guys I have heard say well it was just sex it didn't mean anything, it wasn't really cheating; well I won't say what i think, but you get the gist. What I'm saying is that I admire your commitment to your partner, and I'm sure she does too.

    But if she doesn't want sex and you want to use a toy, even if it looks like a guy part, is it really so bad. I know some if not many lesbians want to stay away from anything man shaped, but if she is willing to use a strapon with you, she has met you at least partway. After all those years together, she must have felt you leaning that way; and as you say it's accepted these days that sexuallity is a fluid thing. it's just a case of how she feels about the fluidity of your sexuallity.

    jumping to use a male doll, may be one step too far for her, as you realise; and it may do nothing for you anyway. To my mind it would feel less real than a strapon, at least for me; a dildo doesn't feel real yet the strapon does, inspite of it still being a lump of plastic, it becomes so because a woman is wearing it in imitation of the real thing. The rest of her is still real flesh. Perhaps changing how you feel about the strapon, may be better, but if she really only does it for you, is that what is taking the shine off the attempt at vivid imagination.

    Just what is it that most comes to mind about men that appeals to you now ? is it the clothes, certain parts of the body, the thought of how harder the muscules under the skin may feel. Is there some way for you to visualise in your partner that part of men.

    I go to feeling totally female when I'm being pegged, and think of her as my guy, so thats what I feel, my mind fills in the gaps; and she loved every moment of it. (yes past tense) So it is possible, to trick your own mind. with very vivid imagination.

    I hope that helps some; I'm sorry I can't do more than pass on my experiences, of a similar yet not quite the same thing.

    Verity... [sign in to see picture]
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    Cheeky Monkey i do feel for you with this one.

    First of all you are having fantasies about men, you would like to experiance realistic toys, ie didos and male dolls. You love your partner, your not willing to or going to cheat and your not going to leave your partner. Where is the harm here? There really is none.

    Personally i would show your partner this thread as it explains everything perfectly or i would talk to her about it as you have here. Your partner is not too interested in sex at the moment but you still are. Just make sure that you reasure her that you love her, that you are attracted to her but you feel that this is something that you need and would like to explore. Your not out there searching for the real deal and you are doing nothing wrong here. I think if you were to try to hide a doll and it was found it could cause heartach. If you do nothing it will be a case of you want what you can't have and it will drive you mad and you may end up resenting your partner for it. You could tell her that you would like to include her in it and explore together, also you could ask if she has any fantasies that you could be a part of.

    The only experiance i have had close to this one was a partner feeling insecure over me using sex toys. To give me an orgasm would take him 20mins sometimes longer for a toy it can take 5mins. You can buy them in different shapes, sizes, and they can vibrate where as he has what he has and that's that if that makes sense. Once i had explained that i would rather have him than any of the toys and that i just wanted to explore what my body can do and of course use them when he we were not able to have sex ect he grew alot more comfortable with the situation.

    My advice would be that although it will be difficult, talk to your partner, give lots of reasurace, give her time to think about it and then buy the doll. Life is far too short to be unhappy.

    Please let us know how you get on. Good luck x

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    This is really really difficult and tricky .If you start showing signs that you quite like blokes again then obviously your partner would see this as a threat , I suppose its no different than having a partner in a heterosexual relationship and then start looking at someone else whilst still in that relationship.

    There is no easy way to sort this out ,but and a big but if your feelings towards guys is that strong and only you can assess this , then you need to do the decent thing and sit down and talk to your partner as you have done with us in your OP.

    I don't think there is any one on here who can just waive the magic wand and everything will be all right .

    This is a going to be a big bumpy ride without any guarantees .

    I wish you luck with this one as I think you will need it but its something your going to have to do at some stage .Perhaps sooner rather than later .

    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think there's anything I can add, just wanted to show my support.

    What a pickle!

    I'm a bisexual woman and I've had more difficulty with my partners accepting my sexuality when I've been with women if I'm honest. There's definitely a level of 'gold star lesbian' issues that I've had my fair share of. I'm in a relationship with a man at the moment and it's not always easy to give up sex that you know you enjoy with another gender but it's the nature of the monogamy beast I'm afraid. Infinitely rewarding but comes at a small cost. I'm lucky that I have a regular and satisfying sex life and I can't imagine what it would be like if that wasn't there.

    Seriously good luck. You already know what you need to do if this becomes a real issue, i.e. communication, so all we can do is offer support.x

    Cheeky_Monkey [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry, for the delay in replying, don't want to appear rude.
    Thank you all for your lovely comments - and very sagely advice - I do really appreciate it.
    It *is* a bit of a pickle, but just vocalising it actually made me feel better - even if no-one can really offer any suggestions that would change the situation.
    And you're right - communication is the key.
    Bex1213, yes, there is definitely a "Gold Star Lesbian" syndrome - particularly amongst friends of mine, who would see any kind of leanings towards finding blokes attractive as something of a cop-out - for whatever reason.
    I should add, which I didn't mention originally, is that I have slept with men - and enjoyed it - but then discovered women and enjoyed that more - and over the years found myself in successive female relationships, so men never really entered into the equation again.
    My partner knows that I do find men attractive, and that if I'd had my time again, I'd probably have experimented more with men when I was younger (we met when we were both 30), but again, my situation is really no different to anyone of any sexuality hitting a bit of a low when they realise that they're not as sexually compatible with their partner as they used to be. And if I'm not going to initiate any change in the relationship, than nothing anyone says is going to be of practical help - but again, it was just really nice to be able to write it down and get it off my chest (so to speak!), if nothing else. Thank you all so very much for taking the time to listen and reply.

    Cheeky_Monkey [sign in to see picture]
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    And I've decided against the male sex doll - I think that *would* be a step too far for my partner!

    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You are most welcome, don't worry about "the delay" in replying as things go on here there wasn't one really, often we don't hear back from people. And I think thats understandable, as people may not want a partner to come across them asking for help, from what is after all a public forum.

    It's nice that you did reply, I hope you find some peace in yourself over this; as you say it's good to vent sometimes, even when you know you are going to have to accept the way things are.

    It's true we often get little of what we what in life, but there is much joy to be had in what we do have already.

    Private_member [sign in to see picture]
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    My ex-partner had some very close friends who had been together for years and years, home together, etc. One decided that she was interested in boys again (she had male lovers before the relationship) and rather than talk to her partner she started an affair with a guy she worked with and ended up spliting with her partner.

    After some months and lots of pain and suffering she decided she wanted her partner back but by then it was too late and the pain continued.

    As others have suggested, talking to each other would seem to be the way to go.

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