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Overcoming performance issues15189805971464290445Posted 26 May 2016 at 7:20 pm
And now all I want is to spend loving time with my man. I just don't know how to dissociate the tought of performance.The weird thing is I know if we would have sex in that set of mind, we would have a great time and I would cum for sure, but if I did, then I would want my partner to cum to, and then after that we would go back to being orgasm focussed. Contradictory isn't it?
Mamz, as once you have cum, you are free to want you OH to cum too, as you would have already had the orgasm, that the pressure of wanting to make your OH cum prevents you from having. So you got there by not being orgasm focused, so focusing on his orgasm is being orgasm focused but thats no longer important for you, as long as he gets there.
The whole point of YOU giving up trying to orgasm, was to take the pressure off you so you could. But I seriously expected for this transition to take quite some pratice over time; you don't have to conciously dissociate, just accept for now that it's fine to have sex and not cum; keep it up and I'm sure one day you will just go wow I just came, and didn't even try.
There was a post on a thread the other day where a guy said that he would sooner have great feeling sex for 3 hours and not come, than to cum in 3 minutes. This is so true; you need to think like this, and stop with the if I don't cum whats the point having sex, only true if you are laid underneath a user of a guy.
And if you don't watch that Star wars film, i'll kick your butt, (no LOL) Watch Luke in the wampa's ice cave, he struggle to reach his light sabre with the force until he realises that he is trying too hard, and then he surrenders to the force, and the light sabre flies into his hand. This is what I'm trying to get you to do.
And watch the rest of it too particulally when he is training with Yoda on Dagoba. Luke fails to lift his ship out of the swamp, you ask the impossible he says. So Yoda lifts the ship out of the swamp using the force. Luke says I don't believe it, !!! and Yoda sighs, and says, and that is why you fail.
You are being just like Luke.
Watch the dammed film, do as you are told. SWEETY.xx1464290980Posted 26 May 2016 at 7:29 pm
You shouldn't have been reading that thread, that was guy talk, you peeped into the mens locker room. LOL he says still blushing and feeling a bit pervy though.1464294673Posted 26 May 2016 at 8:31 pm
Hehe i'm the kind of girl who pee in the man's bathroom when I feel like it so I don't mind going into the mens lockers room either unless the guys there tell me they don't wanna see me there haha
About your later comment, I will watch (or listen to, just like in french) star wars but not for now, I don't have the time to do so with all these exams comming.
Right now I am just leaving my psy's office abd couldn't even get back home cause how I was crying while driving (I had to park the car in a parking lot on the way). We just talked about how I was feeling during all those time I had sex before and wasn't wanting it or when it hurt etc and I just realised how all those feelings are the same than someone whos been assaulted abd rape on the street for exemple (like everyone's idea of rape, with a victim saying NO and not yes like I did) would have (during and after) but for me it was each time. That just makes me see how my story is rape too abd not just a softer version of it. If something, it is even harsher because it was with someone whom I loved and who loved me back and all, and because I was manipulated to say yes ans to shut up if something was wrong. I just have to let that sink in and accept to take the word "rape" as something that belongs to me, that's part of my past and everything.
I am reading your comment and everything I can think is "but we don't cate about that" ,"how uninportant is that" etc. I al realising in my deepest that all my concerns and qorries shouldn't be something that I worry about that much and in which I put toi much importance. All I want for now is a loving and caring partner (and mine is, even if i'd like to feel more that he cares) to make love with. Real love. Loving sex, not rape sex (I know there is no such thing as "rape sex" but it just doesn't sound right if said any different). That is a wonderful thing and that's all I need for now. Who cares about orgasms when there is that much love and so much besutiful things to share.
I really hope that this feeling is gonna stay cause it's the first time ever that I ser sex as a beautiful thing (purely and not only in theory or thinking "that's how it should be but it's not").
And I want a big loving hug from you toi right now. A hug to support me in that realisation, but also to share this beautiful feeling of love that fills me. I want to share it with you and I know you are gonna have some feelings to share with me too (like being happy to hear that, or/and sad because you don't have love close to you right now).
Love. Let's share it.1464296766Posted 26 May 2016 at 9:06 pm
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Mamz, I've kept up with this post from start to finish never getting involved as I don't feel I can put things across intelligently enough. Alone4ever and are have been immense through your struggles and I'm so happy you had such great advice.
I am overjoyed that now after everything you're happy to hear you've accepted sex as enjoyable with or without orgasm. I'll tell you this now, I never had another until I my oh. I thought I was one of those folk who couldn't have them but I still enjoyed sex. But if I'd been thinking all the way through it 'is this the time I'm going to orgasm'? It'd of been totally different I wouldn't of enjoyed it. And I guess that's what you've been thinking, leading to no orgasm along with other thoughts which I'll leave out as you've came to a good place.
Now go home and get a big cuddle from your oh. I'm so happy alone4ever got through to you 😄 im sure your happy feeling will stay. But take it as it comes - right now you're really happy and view sex as loving sex, thats a brilliant achievement for you and I couldn't be happier reading your post. Hugs 💟xx1464297579Posted 26 May 2016 at 9:19 pm
Thanks slinky that's so kind of you :) I'm feeling even happier hearing that.
You're right it's a big step for me and I didn't realise that before you mentioned it. Now I can appreciate that though even more.
Sadly my OH is working right now and I am waiting for him to get home so I can hug him, but I still don't know if he's gonna accept that realisation with me like I would like him to. However I still love him and I will be happy to see him when he arrives :)
Thank again1464299930Posted 26 May 2016 at 9:58 pm
My eyes are full of tears now, sad for you, and happy for you; if that makes sense.
You are me, this is what happened to me, she even brought her drunken mates home, to have me, and I stayed with her, let her have sex with me when I was crying and saying no please don't. It is rape, just because it was in her house, and I loved her before it started to be that way with her, doesn't make it not.
And yes I feel that in some was it is worse, but to be honest, I didn't think she was going to kill me, like you would feel with a stranger, which would be worse, confusing. But yes you have to come home to it and keep having it happen to you over and over, so that feels like to have died the first time would have been better.
I blamed me, now I understand why she turned me on just as the pool attendent said we had to get out has our hour was up., all her mates were there she want them to see me have to get out of the pool like that; and something about my size that I really did not belive until a few days ago.
There is such a thing that some people call rape sex, and like it; it's real name is cohersive sex, it's a throw back to that million years BC thing I talked about, it's still embedded in some peoples "id', (as in the primitive subconcious) But to us, it's a sickening thought, worse for me because she made me do that to her, she loved it. Now I think thats one of the reasons that I struggle to get it up, and keep it up, and come through vaginal sex.
I can tell how emmotional you are now because your English spelling is usually better than mine, and your grammer has gone to pot.
I told you I would cry when you got there, well you just made the first big leap(took me 30 years) and i'm crying for you as I said at the begining. So happy am I. Not sad, very pretty woman just a little like me, in terms of age, at my interview. kind of fell the sparks between us kept looking at each other through the group thing; really strong eye contact. We talked alot too will waiting in reception. So who knows there, if she got in too, and got posted to the same office.
SO HERE IS YOUR GREAT BIG LOVING HUG, and sorry that it wasn't right now.
You go do well in those exams, now you have made this massive leap forward, you will be walking on air, the exams will be so much easier. Just trust the love that you have with your guy, you sound like you are sure he's a keeper; so trust in it, have that love. You will feel his love grow in his eyes when you share you break through, if you havn't already; it's been so tough on you both, but he has stuck with you. So it's to be expected that is heart is a little slow to shine for you, but it will now. (have been feeling slow to shine for you too, but I'm still her as well)
My love will come along, but my love for my adopted daughter and dear friend, and here love for me, is worth such a lot to me too, and thats here now.
We do share it, we are like twins as well, in how we are and all that has happened to us, that is a rare and special bond to have.
I told you that real loving sex was a good way to go, and it can also still be that, when it's fearce and passionate too.
It will stay if you both let it, remember me telling you to think about faith, this is why I said that, one reason anyway.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX1464301057Posted 26 May 2016 at 10:17 pm
Sorry for the grammar and spelling, being on my phone doesn't help.
I can feel you. I can feel your emotions as you are writting this and I can tell it is pretty similar than mine. It's like loocking back when you are getting out of a cave or something. You look back to see where you've been for so long and it's so dark, then turn around to follow your direction and it's finally brighter.
I also think that you are still in your process (but facinh differents obstacles) and are on the way to healing. Your story sounds horrible but you seem to be over its biggest part. You still have to trust yourself wheb it comes to love and I feel like you are getting closer. I have seen a part of this process too since we met on the forum abd I'm proud of you. In fact I'm proud of us both! Mucho mucho love!1464302097Posted 26 May 2016 at 10:34 pm
You know you said you couldn't see your self from the outside, well look at me!!! thats what I did and saw me from the outside in you. Thats how I knew what to say to you told you I was talking to me, 30 years ago, when I talk to you.
Don't feel sorry for the spelling thing, it transfers to me as strong emotions, and I can feel how you are. It helps me to know your emotions.
I just noticed it says "I love you on" the back of your stockings, on your avitar
Je t aime1464302300Posted 26 May 2016 at 10:38 pm
Yeps they're nice aren't they?
Something I wanted to ask you and forgot. Do you feel like what prevents you from having an erection and enjoying vaginal sex is because you feel like an abuser in that situation?1464303539Posted 26 May 2016 at 10:58 pm
Yes very much so, although I thought I had said that somewhere. May be it was years ago in my very early posts.
I feel like the woman doesn't really want me in her, when I try to have sex, even though they said yes, and don't sound like someone being abuses because I know I would not make a sounds like I was being R** I would did sort of go along with it when I wasss , makes me feel it was my fault for not. I think that comes from my first, making me have sex with her, while she screamed get of me you B***** you are R****** me, etc,etc, as well. I can't even make myself type that word here, thinking about what she made me do. The cohersive sex thing I told you about. Is that wat you are refering to.1464304179Posted 26 May 2016 at 11:09 pm
Started to shake bad, I can't type when I'm like that without editing it. which I have always done. But don't feel you made me, go there, I want you to know how I feel now, I know you understand it's not bad, to share my emotions with you, I just waited until now, because I feel you are in a better place, good enough to share this with you.1464304489Posted 26 May 2016 at 11:14 pm
Yes and no. I think you mentioned it before but didn't go into details. I was asking because of something you said that made me think about it and the fact that I myself think about how I qould feel if we switched roles or if I was pegging my man and I would feel exactly like that. I don't think it has to do with cohersive, I think it may be more because of the negative vision I had about sex, that view where being a man is associated with using the other for pleasure and everything.
That really is an aweful thing that happened to you, ans it's even worse than what I thought. If I understand, you've been left feeling and abused and has an abuser? That's terrible. I can't even see how someone would be able to go through this.1465514589Posted 9 Jun 2016 at 11:23 pm
As my adopted daughter, has just told me off for putting myself down, and offered me her thread to talk on, I thought I had better start talking. it's not really performance issues, but as I have been told by Mamz I can come here and I'm chicken s**t to start my own thread, here goes.
I just don't know were to go in life, I never have; getting a new job has helped, but I still feel like an old duffer who should be out to pasture. I just never got over how my first love treated me, and just find the thought of going back there crazy. I know someone will say not all and in fact few women would do what mine did to me, but, after 25 years alone I did try again and wished I hadn't. I just got used for sex, as I have said before on other posts.
I don't feel attractive at all, but I seem to find myself assuming thats whats wrong with me, or why would some 1000 plus women look at my profile on a dating site and not even want to give me a wink, to say nothing of not responding to e-mails. Again I know I have heard it said that women get bombarded with e-mails on dating sites, and I understand.
I just accept that it's not going to happen, then theres all that stuff about who I really am, and how thatt will go down with women, there is a surprising amount of tollerance on here( I won't mention the little, heated debate,) I have kept an eye on here. Most of the world around me would not even begin to understand me, and who I am, I have already had more than my fill of work place biggotry ( spelled that wrong ) and the resulting trauma to my mental health, so keeping it quiet on new job. Though I know management won't tollerate discrimination and bullying from staff, i don't want to give anyone the opening to try.
I have some really strange hangups too, like the boobs one I have mentioned before, My eyes still get drawn there like any mans do, but not for the same reason, I just feel intimidated by them. it's like they are this symbol of female confidence, and it makes me feel weak again, like `I did with my first OH when she would dominate me, but not in the role play sense that I actually love, when I have had the chance with my FWB.
In that situation I actually felt in control, while not being in control if that makes sence to anyone. and naked boobs don't bother me, when it's a lover, that I trust. Not been too many of those. so that doesn't make sence to me.
I will leave it there for now as I'm tired, and indanger of writting a book of a post.1465519248Posted 10 Jun 2016 at 12:40 am
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It's nice to read an in-depth post, I really appreciate it when someone takes the time to be detailed. It's like they're writing with their heart ❤
Your adopted daughters right 😀 as she so often is 😄
You shouldn't put yourself down I can't tell you enough what a special person you are. Mamz is an awesome lass and a blessing to us all.
No no and no again. You are most certainly not an old suffer who should be out out to pasture. You're a flower bursting to blossom but haven't found the right path yet. It's understandable that you can't seem to find the tools to get over how your former love treated you. You put all of your trust into her and she treated you as though you meant nothing. I think it's damn strong of you to be open about this as many men keep it locked up deep inside and it burdens them wherever they go whoever they look at. The fears always there as is with you ; is this person genuine?, what if when I give my heart they do the same thing?
Where do you find there "women" who treat you in such a way? I think wishing you hadn't is a bit strong, getting used for sex is unfortunately a common occurrence which happens to see too many people. When you meet somebody and feelings develop do you have a period of waiting? As I think the only way you can be sure that the feelings are genuine is a few months down the line where you still have lots to talk about, all those butterflies are still there and the desire is overwhelming.
As for attraction it's well documented looks do nothing well very little to me by means of attraction. Looking at somebody who looks attractive doesn't have any influence on the feelings I may or may not have (but I'm not sure I'm "normal" in that way, nor am I bothered as I'm comfortable with the way I feel.)
You have to get to know somebody to determine feelings, sometimes all be it rarely there are moments where an instant connection is felt, even so I could never advise acting on the desires until a period of times gone by where it feels like the connection will stay. )
You most likely see yourself as ugly because you don't love yourself. I bet your a stunner and you don't even know it. You have so many of the beautiful qualities I look for so I'm sure many others see them too. Sometimes we don't even realise people are attracted to us.
Finding the way to love yourself is crucial. You've had fwb right? There ladies obviously find you attractive or wouldn't be with you. It isn't just your "assets" they're looking at. I can assure you it's the other way around for many women, big equals scary! When you stop looking at yourself through the eyes of the person who did that to you you'll realise there's so much more to attraction.
Also accepting it isn't going to happen may not help, you're effectively shutting yourself off from such affections. This will be visable people will get a vibe that you're not "on the market" do to speak. It's all well and good meeting somebody when you're not looking but accepting I won't happen is not your friend here. It's also going to add to your depression as when you feel down you'll have all these crazy thoughts running through your head.
I'm not familiar with dating sites, statistics and what not so don't know how to comment here other than - I'm not a fan so wouldn't take it personally.
Your best bet is in the real world. You have this job now so you'll find opportunity, coming to a place of comfort with yourself is important though.
Maybe I'm crazy but, I'm not sure it's unusual to feel intimidated by boobs as I've known somebody who felt that way. He used to tell me "I just wouldnt know what to do with them they scare me". His reasons are most likely different to your ex's mind. When you look at a woman take them out of the equation, they're not there to intimidate you, many women have complex with their own myself included. Maybe think in a different way like "is she comfortable with them" could help you connect more to her and eventually get to a place where you could imagine a relationship.
It makes total sense giving up control to a point but still having control as you say what goes. Is that how you mean?
That's what I mean you have to get to that point where they don't bother you. It sounds clear that it's because the pasts ruling you, they're a symbol from this woman who did such horrendous stuff. Moving past this point and being able to be drawn to them in a good way does sound a big point in healing. Which brings me to wonder, how did you deal with them with fwb? Did you trust this lass and not feel intimidated by them?
There's something I've missed am certain of it but can't seem to find it.
Thank you for opening up, hope you feel that you've accomplished a big step once again. You've opened up a coupe of times now which has to be the start of putting the crap to bed. You're starting a new life now that's a great focal point, keep your eyes on that and there's no reason you won't be rewarded 💟xx1465544459Posted 10 Jun 2016 at 7:40 am
My laptop says it's battery is kicking the bucket, so you know whats happening if I dissapear for a while. It's over 11 years old so I can't say I'm surprised it's getting health problems. I may need to get a new battery, but as it's such an old laptop they may not do them any more. but mac's are exenspensive, and I don't want to go back to a PC.1465567435Posted 10 Jun 2016 at 2:03 pm
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Arh it's hellish when the battery goes. I've no idea how to replace them so and up stuck to the charger (so inconvenient ) until getting an upgrade.
Waw eleven years old, it has served you well tbf, you clearly look after your property really well.
Well I hope that the real world brings you all the joy you deserve lovely. Reach for the stars 💥 the job you've got is massive and you'll get to know lots more people in time.
Sending you every bit of positivity I have, and massive hugs ❤ until we meet again, hopefully in the near future 💟xx1465594313Posted 10 Jun 2016 at 9:31 pm
I would really want to answer this but My brain is not working properly right now as am so tired and under a big pile of work and exames and stress. I will come back next week when it is all done :)1466278088Posted 18 Jun 2016 at 7:28 pm
Hello my friends! I'm back now with plenty of free time to put into this. Sorry for putting you aside untill I was done with exams (i am now!). I just didn't wanted to write something in a hurry and not put myself 100% into it because I had other things to do!
As expected, slinky is right. listen to her.
From what you said, I feel that you are feeling old and "désuet" (french word), am I right? But what is age? It's nothing. You can live your own life without thinking " I should be to that point in my life now" because that means nothing. You are living your own life and there is no right time for anything other than the time you are ready for it.You have the right to live your life like you intend to. There is people I know who found love at 70 and couldn't be happier now, and there is people I know who are going back to school after 20-30 years of working in a field because they found out they weren't at the right place. It's never too late for anything and you have the right to live your life as you want whatever your age is.
You will have to get over what your ex did to you. Of course it is not easy to do and you shouldn,t expect it to happen just like that, but I am sure it is something you can acheive. One of the best way to do so would be to see a therapist, but I know you have trouble trusting one. So for now maybe we are your best option as we are open minded, loving ears, een though we don't have any knowledge of human psychology to really help. You can also try things like writting a letter to her, telling her why she hurt you and how it makes you feel and why you are angry (no need to send it to her). Maybe even burn it to symbolize that you are over it (just like you told me to do with my problems!).
I see two major problems in your confession. First: your lack of trust, second: your lack of self confidence. Both are perfectly explainable and I understand why it is that way, but that doesn't mean I think you are right.
For trust, I know I have already told you that but you have to trust yourself before trusting someone else. I am sure you can feel deep down inside who can be trusted and who cannot. You have to learn to recognize your feelings when you doubt about someone, and distinguish the true feeling from the one that comes from the need for protection. I am sure you trust some people on here, like me or slinky or era. I am also sure you knew from an early moment that you could trust us. Why is that? I am telling you that but I only learned recently that I could trust my self (and feelings) to know who can be trusted, and that some people are actually worth that trust.
I think you should get yourlsef out of dating sites. In my opinion, some people on it are good and are looking for something real, but most of the people remaining are crap and aren't worthy of trust and are only looking for sex or for someone to fill a hole and bring them the affection they are lacking. You are not looking for that anymore, you are looking for love and there is only a slim chance you are going to find it that way, whereas the chance is you are only going to hurt yourself even more. Plus what you said is right. Women have more choice and are solicited more, so they don't even need to contact guys themselves, they can just wait for them to come to them. And maybe you are not what they are looking for too, because of what I said erlier about these sites.
Now, about your lack of self confidence, I can understand too where it comes from, but I surely don't agree with the way you view yourself. You are a lovely person who has what it takes to take care of any woman. You have all the qualities I am looking for in someone, and I am sure it is the case with many other women (or men) too. Plus you should be proud of yourself for going trough all this, it really isn't nothing. You are so strong and inspiring to me. You are really dedicated into taking care of me, but you should take care of your own self just the same. See yourself as someone who's been hurt and needs love. You are the first person who can satisfy those needs, and you can be 100% sure you are not gonna hurt youself ( yes, I know it is hard to beleive but it you really take care of yourself and listen to your deep feelings, you CAN'T hurt yourself any more). You diserve to be taken care of, so why not give that to yourself before anyone else does? Why someone would believe you diserve that and want to give it to you if you don't beleive it yourself?
See yourself as a whole. With all the good things and all the bad things. Your past experience are also part of yourself, and it's part of what makes you the wonderful person you are now, so be thankfull for that to. You have the right to wish this would've never happened to you, and I share this feeling, but I sometime wonder what would've happened if it didn't? Would I know how to take care of myself and to chose the right person if I hadn't been played with? would I have learned how to take care for myelf if I never had something to make me needing that care? It is something that is hard to live with but in the end it also bring some positive and make us better and stronger persons.
And please, beleive that you are worth of love. If you don't, how can someone else know you are? and how can that person treat you right? Love yourself and you won't feel the need to settle for less than what you diserve. And please, believe that it is possible to find that person. I didn't believe it was and I found it. It wasn,t long before I did but the important thing is I did. My lover is just amazing and I am sure you would love every part of him. You wouldn't have wanted me to settle for less, so why allow yourself to do so? And why think there is no chance you find that person you are looking for?
And please, don't be afraid to be yourself. know your worth and don't let people make you feel less than that. I understand why you wouldn't feel completely safe to do so at work and think this is ok, but that shouldn't be the case anywhere else. Your friends and family seems shitty to me (sorry for that). you shouldn't hang our with people who don't diserve you. At least you have plenty of loving people here who are accepting for who you are (and also love you for that).
For the boob thing now. I agree with slinky on that subject. I think you are intimidated by them because it is the "symbol of women's strenght" and because every women you've been with used that strenght against you. Also, maybe it is because you would like to be a women and feel you can't? Anyways, I don,t thing this is a big problem. Once you are with someone you will trust, as you said, you won't have that problem again, and if you do, I am sure that person will be understanding and you will be able to take things slow regarding the breasts.
I think you would benefit from taking things slow when you meet someone. That way, you will make sure the person isn,t with you just for sex, you'll get to know her right before engagind in anything, and you will have the opportunity to feel and share love, which is exactly what you need.
I hope you are feeling a bit better since the moment you posted this, but if you don't, I will be there for you.
And Sorry for the long post.1466287514Posted 18 Jun 2016 at 10:05 pm
You never need to be sorry for anything with me, least of all a long post; that just tells me you care for me as much as I do for you.
I tried therepists, but I just never trusted them enough to be totally honest with them, I always sence, something not quite right. On several occasions I have pretended to be " all better now" that only made me feel worse, because I feel it made them missunderstand me. I don't know how to get this thing with therapists out of my head, and I know I'm not imagining it. I know they all talk to each other, and I know that my misstrust, led me to twist the truth of what happened to me, in order to protect other people.
And in doing so probably made them not believe me. Also At the begining I just wanted what was in my head, out, then I was told that people take ages to feel able to tell what happened to them. I didn't, I trusted them, and told some large part of it staight away. This was the start of not trusting them. Also when I did talk about it, it helped for a while, then; I think I just can't let go and my head fills back up with it, I ned to let it all out again. The only way I get any relief is to tell someone, but in the end it's a waste of time, because I can't stop puting it back in my head.
I feel that is something else the therapists don't understand, any way enough of them, it's starting to make me feel wound up. There's something else that I can't let go of, all they had to do was tell me the truth when I asked them if what I felt was true, and they wouldn't say any thing; so that to me proves they know they were in the wrong.
A female friend got me to put some of it away, then she just suddenly anounced that she thought gays were against gods purpose for mankind; after encouraging me to talk about my gay feelings. I felt so utterly betrayed, so used and dirty; yet again. I try to trust people, but sooner or later they betray that trust; be they doctor of psychology, or just a " friend". I don't know why the people on here, especially you and Slinky, have been such solid I'm going now where type of friends. Why can I never meet such people out here; they are always the opposite, except for one.
I wish we could be closer but she is in a relationship, and I keep a respectful distance, as does she.
So I don't know what will help me except a kick in the bum, from you. I feel so stupid, I could tell you what you were doing to yourself, but I seem incapable of following my own advice. I think I'm just scared to try again, because of how close to the egde of oblivion it pushed me. And how willing I felt to take that next step.
I don't know where I would find love, outside of a dating site, I just don't go anywhere, I just sit in the house; and now work of course, but I feel pretty much alone there anyway, despite the large number of people who work there, that and the fact, that asking a female co-worker out on a date is classed as sexual harassment. I think work place romances are risking your career anyway, dealing with a relationship break up with someone you have to work with would be awful for eveyone, not just the people involved.
I tried to take things slow with the second and final relationship I have ever had, but just got pressued into sex by her, despite actually not being able to do anything but give her manual, and oral sex. I'm such a door mat, and I know what I should do, and how I should deal with it, but when it came down to it, I felt I would loose her if I said no; and when I finally said enough is enough, I won't be your unpaid, on call anytime escourt anymore she didn't like it. Is it not better than being alone was all I got from her; oh and "well my mates and family come before you".
I had that told to me on a first date once as well, so that ended before it began. If only I had ever had anything but people like that, just one relationship that failed for other reasons, such as being in different places in life to each other, maybe then I could put it down to luck, but when it happens every time, I just feel like throwing in the towel. And letting fate have it's way.
I think I'm more stuborn than you, and what's worse is that I actually know it, where as you didn't. I think era would tell me I want to be like this, but I don't it just seems that way, because I feel it's something I can't think my way out of. I can't change me, I tried that, even trying to deny that I like men sexually, made me hurt in ways I don't understand. I try not to dress up as a woman, but that makes me feel like I hate my body, and the way I have to be with others. But I still love women, and feel if I could just wake up tomorrow a woman then I could be a lesbian, and enjoy sex more with a woman than I do as a man.
I feel like I have to penetrate her, or she won't want me, it's ok, but it's not really a turn on for me, other than the fact that it pleases her, but would I be betraying a woman by being with her when I don't really want that from her for me, I just want her in me, and I feel guilty for that. I'm not saying I don't want to pleasure her. just that I feel bad for not really wanting to do it in that way. I kept trying with my FWB, but there was little there for me in that. Maybe it's the deep emotional conection that I have never had that's missing with women for me.
Then again I know I am really kinky, as well. You are one hell of a friend Mamz, I just hope I don't push you away too. I will leave it there for now. Sorry I'm putting you in the turn arround seat, if you understand that. Basically I helped you see what I can't get myself out of; makes me feel so stupid. Doctor heal thy self, as the saying goes.1466289912Posted 18 Jun 2016 at 10:45 pm
Just go back to my last post and read it again. All I said there can still apply as an answer to your last post.
I'm not mad at you for giving up and for not applying what you tried so hard to make me understand to yourself. It's probaby just Karma :P the two of us are just as stuborn as the other :P but of course it is hard to get out of a way of thinking when you are stuck inside of it.
Just know that I have faith. I am sure that there is someone for you out there. The fact that you don't like pleasing a woman with your penis is totally acceptable and isn't a big deal in my opinion. When you find that person who truely loves you, she will understand and accept you just the way you are, with your likes and dislikes. This is what a normal, lovely couple should be. If I found a guy that is willing to stay with me (and build a life with me) even though there was a possibility of us never having penetrative sex again is just a proof that you can find someone who can deal with never having penetrative sex with you too. Plus, I think that generally speaking man are far more suseptible to find that a deal breaker than a woman, and there is still plenty of way a woman can be pleased penetratively without a penis being involved.
I would like to introduce you some of my friends. A lot of them are so open minded and accepting and understanding. There is plenty of people around me who wouldn't think there is a problem with you. Maybe this could help you find faith again, as you would see that some other people also gave common sens and are accepting people for who they are.
There is plenty of people whose sexuality is inclusive of everyone, peopl who are attracted by love, or by the person and not the gender, etc. Why couldn't you find someone when there is plenty of people who could find you attractive for who you are and wouldn't mind having sex with you in a way that fits your preferences.
Also, you really should totally dress as a woman if you want to. At least, do it outside of work if you are worried. Dress up at home and when you go out. How can you expect to be happy if you're not allowing yourself to be yourself and to love yourself in fear that someone may misunderstand your sexuality or something (if that is the reason)? don't change who you are and how you feel so that you can fit in better or be accepted/understood by more people.
Maybe you should go out more by signing up to a group class or something about something you like? do you like art? dance? photography? sewing? music? etc. I am sure there is something.
And of course, I'm never gonna leave you alone. You'd have to screw up really hard for that and my limit is pretty high so I doubt you'd even even get close to it. Don't worry about that ok honey? Take care of the most important things and be thankful of what you have right now without the fear of loosing it.
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