• Overcoming performance issues

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to say you are wrong there sweetie, girls can do that. Well my ex did, she would push me back to be sat on to the sofa, she would un zip my jeans, climb on, get herself off, then get up and walk off, leaving me to zip up. She wouldn't even stop the first time, when I told her the zip was hurting me, she just said don't be a baby, I never said a word to her after that, each time she did it.

    That was kind of the start of it all.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Dam, now I need a hug. I still can't get the emotions out of me, without the rest; When I write it down it all comes to me.

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    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    Lots of hugs to you Alicia ❤️ I understand it's tough to think about, I get the same feeling you have when I think about my experience. You are strong 😘

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Dam, now I need a hug. I still can't get the emotions out of me, without the rest; When I write it down it all comes to me.

    A big hug from me Alicia....you're stronger than you think hun xx

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Sxleksaker wrote:

    Lots of hugs to you Alicia ❤️ I understand it's tough to think about, I get the same feeling you have when I think about my experience. You are strong 😘

    Thanks, for the hugs, heres some for you too, I"m so sad theres some many of us on here, makes me angry too.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Terri JJ wrote:

    Alicia4Ever wrote:

    Dam, now I need a hug. I still can't get the emotions out of me, without the rest; When I write it down it all comes to me.

    A big hug from me Alicia....you're stronger than you think hun xx

    Thanks Terri, I hope I am, it just seems to never go away though. I just hate how so many people don't want to hear about the subject, or should I say men, not people.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm so sorry Ali, It's all my fault. Big hugs :'(

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    It's OK, Mamz, it's something I'm going to have to find a way to deal with, anyway. Just call it a lesson in not generalising, it will help you to realise that it's not a black and white thing, just like you learned about rape. But yes men do own the biggest share of guilt for such things, though more and more men are coming forward with stories like mine.

    I understand your reaction because it was mine too, when I read it.

    And hugs for you too sweetie, such things as that thread still hurt you, and I don't like that. I chose to tell you what happened to me, because you needed to hear it, and I know it will sink in coming from me. For that it was worth it, and I would do it all over again for you. So smile for me, I hated to make you feel you hurt me, but it was the only thing I could do.

    You know I say what is on my mind, just like you, so don't stop telling me things, because you may say something that may resonate with me.

    Love Ali baby, xx ( I loved it when you came out with that nick name, it made me smile)

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    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    You ladies are all strong, beautiful and inspirational people and to share your experiences so openly the way you do with each other and the rest of us is a lesson in life that we could all do with learning.

    Communication is the key with most things whether it be something we want to hear or not, and to be able to accept each others opinions, even if we don't agree with them, is another valuable asset so many people need to acquire.

    Again, I cannot offer words of wisdom, but I do regularly follow this thread.

    Love, hugs and good vibes to you all xxx

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    Connor0267 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree 100% with lovingnewtoys. I just recently started reading some of this thread. You ladies are awesome and strong, and I admire you all! I wish you all the very best in life and you all have all my hugs I could ever offer and even a shoulder to cry on 😢 You all take care! 😘

    1472259446
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    AAAAAANNNNNNDDDDDD I'm feeling down again.

    I'm still in the idea that a girl taking advantage of a guy (in a consentual way) is also taken advantage of, while the opposite isn't true. And I feel like I'm lying to myself about dildos. I can't like them, why would I?

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel used

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    slinky binky [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry I've missed this thread lately, life getting in the way. I didn't mean to neglect you lasses.

    Hope youre feeling but better now Ali baby? (loved it when Mamz nicknamed you that also, it's so sweet) 😊 just because I've not posted here for awhile doesn't mean I'm not reading the thread whenever I notice new posts. So I'm silently lurking when not being vocal on here.

    It's infuriating how many of us have had these horrific ordeals. It's scary how common rape is, I don't understand how so many folk do it? And as for the abused becoming the abuser statement, that infuriates me. I could never imagine inflicting such an atrocity on anybody, id never dream of it. So I don't get how folk who've been through it decide to rape others. It makes me so mad and angry 😳

    Okay, stuff has been playing on my mind tonight so I'm angry and rambling on, so I'll put a sock in it. Lol! Sending you hugs Alicia 💜xx

    Mamz - where's this all coming from? Dildos were your favourite toys and now you've started over thinking and came to the conclusion you can't like them, when I'm pretty sure you do. Chin up sweetie, it'll get better 💜xx

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    What's hapened Mamz, besides the car crash ? Or is this some how an emotional after effect of the crash. What has made you feel used ?

    I don't understand what you mean either about the girl taking advantage thing, or the dildos. I would be just guessing. Can you say more sweetie, open up a bit.

    When you do these short messages it scares me a little, because it tells me you are in a bit of a state.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Where it's comming from: my bf was telling me about his friend who broke up with his girlfriend. Apparently, she was still having sex with her ex. My thought was "why would she do that? she has nothing to get from it except attention. Is she so manipulated that she doesn't even realise that she's having sex with them because THEY want to, not her?"

    and from there I went back to "sex is only benefic for boys, I feel nothing out of it, etc"

    Plus later on I spoke to my bf about the strap on thing, and he sais that he thought about it and he is afraid he is going to feel used and doesn't think it's consistant with me not wanting to have sex because I get nothing from it and feel used but wanting him to use a dildo on me so he feels nothings while I do". After a few explainations he says he still wants to try it but It's the exact situation I was fearing. I feel he doesn't want to try it, but agrees on it because he know I want it. It's not gonna work out if he doesn't want it himself too.

    Is that enough info? the "I can,t get anything from a dildo" is part of the "sex is not for me it's only for men" thing, and the girls can't use someone for sex because it's them who are being used" also comes from there.

    The feeling used is a general feeling. I had a general feeling about sex that was "I'm being used in this" no mather who I am having it with. Like the base of sex is me being used. it's not a nice feeling.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You don't know what's going on with your bf's friend, and his ex, only what your bf has told you. She may really enjoy sex, and they have decided that they will still have sex, until one of them meets someone new, rather than do the casual sex with others thing, which is risky because of Sti's. This mind set you have does not apply to every woman out there, there are women on here who are far more sexual than their partners, and enjoy sex much more than their men. She has chosen to continue having sex with her ex, I think it's highly unlikely that he has some how manipulated her in to this, it's what they both want, and while it's not usual it's not unheard of.

    I keep trying to tell you thats this is about how you feel because of what you have been through, not some general thing that happens to all women. Look at what has happened to me, at the hands of women, it's about the person, not what gender they are, both males and females are capable of being the used one, as well as the user of others. Someone is only being used when they have no say in how they get pleasure, and the other does not care if they get pleasure or not as long as they get what they want. You are struggling because your mind won't let you feel pleasure, and your are trying to get that back, the only way for you to do that is to have sex and try and break through the block; which effectively means you having sex and feeling nothing much internally. So it's only to expected for you to feel this way.

    I thought it was good that you decided to try the strapon thing with your bf, but it seems he is not, and that makes me angry, I won't say more because this is your relationship. But I fully understand how you must now feel, especially as you seemed to have pinned so much hope on it. I thought he understood how it would ease your mind on the men get more pleasure than you feeling you have. I think people should be honest about how they feel to each other, but I don't know how this could possibly make him feel used.

    Good sex is inerrantly a thing of mutual pleasure, both must give their body for the others pleasure, so in one sense you you use each other, it's only when this becomes one sided that it feels bad. You need total support and understanding from your bf to stop you feeling this way; and sometimes you say you don't feel he is using you for sex, but this feeling is still trapped in you. You need constant reasurance not just in words, but in behaviour too.

    Please try not to drag inanimate objects like dildos into your mind set, you take all the pleasure you need from a dildo, thats it's reason for being; it feels nothing, and cannot stop you from having pleasure. You are pushing this in to the realms of a woman must not feel sexual pleasure by any means. This is so damaging for you to think like this; only you get to decide if you feel pleasure , it's no ones right to deny you this, no matter what they say. Please be your own woman, and feel what you want to feel, not what society or anyone else says your should feel. Those days are gone, please be one of the women who set themselves free of this.

    Penetration is only the tip of what sex is about, you two should be making the most of everything else that being intimate with someone you love is about. Have you worked together on finding the things that give you intimate pleasure, both individually and as a couple.

    Hang in there Mamz, try to keep telling yourself, that it's the person that makes it being used, and not the act it's self. Sex is not you being used, only the other person being bad with you, and not caring about you, can make it being used. And you are not with a bad man, he's just not coping too well with your problem; I know it's hard that he doesn't get you sometimes, but you know he loves you, and cares for you. Just be glad that he's honest with you, thats worth a lot. People are often doing things for a loved one that isn't their personal ideal, and as long as it works both ways, and no one is doing something that hurts them, thats fine, it's called compromise, and it's the foundation of a relationship; lifes all about give and take; sex is no different.

    Love and hugs Ali,xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You know the problem is I can't see why a women would enjoy sex. Maybe she thinks the does, but her mate enjoys it more. No need to me abuse to be used. To me, from the moment one enjoys something more (and knows it and is still willing to do it anyway) where it's said that "both should like it" (my a**), one is using the other. It doesn't need to be done willingly. I know my bf doesn't want to use me but I still feel like he does because he enjoys sex more, and if I am giving myself to him and he is the only one enjoying it, then he used my body.

    I really can't see how I could feel pleasure during sex. I do feel something but it's nothing compared to what a man should feel. Based on that I think that women who say they enjoy sex have low standards and think that this sensation is great, when they don't realise the male is having way more fun.

    You can tell me what makes you angry about my bf.

    I am realizing that I am really bad to reword his sayings as it always come across like he's an a*hole but he's not. I can try to explain it better.

    First, his reaction was 'I think it is a good idea" because he understood that it could help get rid of the "men feel more pleasure aspect".

    Then, with the time, his mind worked the idea a bit. I must admit that I've been hiding the fact that I like dildos to him, because it would make him feel like I am lying when I say I don't like sex, or he would feel like it's him who's the problem, not the act itself. He would also have even more trouble understanding me and how I think. So not knowing that I like dildos and that I was also asking this because I would like him to use a dildo on me and doing it that way would allow the same connection as if we were making love, and it would emotionnally feel like it was him but without the "being used" feeling. He was bugging on the fact that I don't want to have penetrative sex with him because he would enjoy it more physically. He thought "how can you not want to have sex because of me feeling more pleasure, and feel used when it's the case, but want me to use a strap on on you so you can be the only one to feel anything and get physical pleasure, as you'd then be the one using me". I don,t know if you understand. It's a bit complicated and abstract but it's the best I can explain. The contradiction of 1. me not wanting him to enjoy sex more vs me wanting to be the only one enjoying it with a strap on, 2. me saying I hate penetration but asking him to penetrate me with a dildo instead of his penis 3. me saying it's not his fault if I don't like penetration and then asking him to penetrate me with a dildo, all make it problematic in his mind.

    I then admited that I like using dildos on my own (and said it in a really confuse way like "I think I like it" and he was like what do you mean, and I was like "well I think I like it, but it would be impossible, I can,t like it, why would I?" and told him why I didn't tell him that before. Then I explained to him a bit more in details why I want him to penetrate me using a strap on, and I think he now understands better. He's still not 100% sure about the idea, but is willing to try it. He says he may feel use but is never going to know if we don't try at least once. I think this may still need a bit more communication. You know I don,t think it's gonna be successull if he's not 100% into it, just like I am.

    Plus I think this may be relevent: He had never told me that in the past, but when he was with his ex, he kind of felt used too. She's never been abusive to him though. It was more of a mindset and a pressure from our society or something. He felt like she was the one enjoying sex the most, and that he was only there to bring her to orgasm a couple time before he finally could finally enjoy it himself too. I don't know if you understand. If you do, now add a strap on to the equation, pretty bad idea eh?

    He is always ok witht rying things I want to try. He is always open to the ideas even if sometimes he doesn't get the reason or why it could be enjoyable. He only needs to be explained so his mind opens more and he can finally get the point of it. I know he is bad sometimes and doesn't understand all what the issue implies, but he is always willing to try to make it better and he really does care for me and love me. He's just bad at supporting me in it. It's not even compromises, in his case it's just learning. the more he learns about me and how my mind works, and my issue, the better he is coping with it and the more open he is about all that. The fact that he is never excited about trying things I want to try is still a mather of learning.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    This is the trouble with talking like this, it's hard to get across the way things are, because things are usually far more complex than things at first seem. I understand more of your bf now.

    So you can see from what he says that it's not all about woman being used, I keep saying this but it should be taken on a person by person basis. You know how that woman about 7 years ago treated me, how the ony thing I was to her was "something to make her cum", she knew I couldn't even get aroused. She didn't care if I got nothing from it, she wouldn't even rub my back in exchange for 4 hours of giving her pleasure.

    You don't know what a man feels I do, but you don't belive me. Please let go of this comparison between what a man feels and what a woman feels, it the bars of your prison. And this may semm harsh , but please don't demean the pleasure that women who enjoy sex feel, and say they have low standards, thats down right rude, and not at all what I would expect from you, I'm ashamed of you Mamz.

    And yes you do often say things about your bf that paint a less than pleasant picture, but I know you get overwrought and you usually come back and reword it, give more info, but I can only go on the words you use. Your last paragraph explains him better to me, and your relationship; please be aware that you do often use words and phrases that give the impression that you have had enough of him, and my instinct is to defend and protect you.

    Above is the first time I have ever had to tell you off, I"m not sure how I feel about having to do that.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You're right babe. Sorry for being like that.
    Either I think "it's impossible for a woman to be pleasured" or "it's unfair, howcome some women can enjoy sec and I get nothing from it". The first option probably being the second one but hidden.

    I feel you don't understand that I am speeking about consensual sex though.
    Also, sorry for saying that, but you din't know how sex feels for a man. You know how it feels for a woman in a man's body, so of course you don't like it.

    I get fed up of my bf sometimes, but don't get me wrong, we love eachother and are great together. He's a good person and never has bad intentions, I only find it hard dealibg with hin sometimes. I'm even harder to deal with so. I know you know he's great anyways. Your deep feeling about him is right. I often speak out of hanger on here so it's tinted sometimes. Of course when we fight and I am mad at him i am gonna sound like he's bad :P but we're the kind of couple who love each other so much that we could just hug and kiss in the middle of a fight that gets too intense.

    You know i am bad at expressing myself anyways, and I often shorten it up because to me it's all clear abd logical but I forget that other may need more info because they're not in my mind and don't think the way I do (and don't even know all the info haha). Sorry about that. You still can tell le what made you angry. And thanks for wanting to protect me.

    Love you

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes thats my friend talking now. It is unfair that you don't get to feel how good it should be for you, but you know that it's you thats stopping it, you have come hard, and I remember when you said that ben wa balls or what ever they are called made you feel more, then things went really bad for you, you went to the bad place in your head.

    Yes I do know what it feels like to have sex as a man, I did have a few short months with my ex before she went all Norman Bates on me, at that time I was not conciously aware of my gender thing, and I had not been raped. It wasn't until after she threw me on to the street that I lost my sex drive, and the ability to get an erection. It was my own mind not wanting that to happen to me again, but even that did not stop the erections that came with the memorries. The only time I could get hard was If I thought about those times, when I could not stop it, and each time I would feel sick to my stomach.

    Now I have managed it 3 times with my FWB and tried and failed more times than that with her, I have wondered if that caused my wish to be female, but you made me think back before that, and the signs were there. Sarahs right you don't question your gender if you are cis. But I have lived a life among men and some do let things out, and I"m not wrong in that what a man feels is much less than a women can, and yes thats only can. I have had a few female friends who saw me as gay, ( the ones I told you about who just wanted to know what it was like to have a gay friend "for a while" ) and they talked constantly about female things in front of me, including sex, and what they describe is what I feel from anal sex.

    What a man gets is the abillity to come quickly, a million years ago taking too long about mating could get a man his head bashed in by a rival, these days it's classed as premature ejaculation. Men are feeling now the pressure to please a woman ( at least the good ones) and women are starting to demand more from their man, a well they should. But it is going to take a long time for things to balance out between the sexes, some men are going the other way, some women have started to behave like men, people just haven't figured out how to be. Some have some haven't, but generally nobody knows how to behave anymore.

    We are still driven by instinct to choose a mate, based on factors that are nolonger there. Men are staying home to care for children, women are having corprate careers, but there is still the masses in the middle that just don't know how to be. Sorry Im going on, it's one subject I have studdied a lot, and I find it quite interesting, as I seem to be able to see both sides of things. But there is much about it that concerns me, particulally about the behaviour of you males today.

    All that made me angry was that you were saying you bf was making a fuss over helping you, by trying to use a strapon with you, and this lack of enthusiasm he has with you. But I'm glad that you can see he will work on this. I just don't want you to be alone, but I don't want you feeling the way you did with your ex. I will keep this in mind for the future, and remind you of it if I feel you need it. Thank you for setting my mind to rest over this issue, I was starting to worry from your more recent posts.

    I can see what he( your bf) is thinking about his ex wanting to cum twice to is once, but if he cannot go again as you once told me. I would be happy to make a partner cum as many times as they were able to, I don't put a limit on their pleasure the more I could give them the happier I would be for them, as long as I get what is within my own capability. And they care for me and love me, and give me every oppertunity to reach my potential. This is where you struggle, because of what you were put though against your will, you have not made it through this yet, I have.

    While I find it very difficult to like giving sex, even now I have made peace with my body because it doesn't fit with my gender perseptions. To me sex is being penetrated either by a penis or a toy anally, because thats all I can do. If I met a woman and she felt she wanted me to give her sex, if I could manage it I would do it with love in my heart, but she would have to know that I felt nothing from it, only the joy of doing it for her. if she would not return the favour with a strapon then she would not be for me, as she would not love me for how I am. Men I just don't know how that would work, as I don't want to be in a gay relationship, I'm female, all be it only in mind.

    But as I have said without a job, there will be no relationship for me, I would feel too vulnerable if I relied on someone else to take care of me. The thought of getting trapped again is ever on my mind.

    If only I could get you to stop feeling you are being used, based on the other person feeling more pleassure, be happy for your bf, as long as you know how he feels for you, and what he is going though to try to help you. Be happy that you can give him pleasure, thats power too you know, I wish I could remember which woman on here said that same thing just recently, on another thread. And another who said it could be called dominant to envelope a man. It's all about perception.

    Please throw away your perceptions on this matter, trust me they are flawed, you just keep trying to justifiy this position to yourself, and to me. You are wrong, do you think I'm lying to you, I don't think you do. But You just won't let go of it, you are like a drowning woman who is clinging to a piece of a steel ship, even though it is taking you to the bottom; because you think that because the ship floated, then one small piece of it must too. Can you see how wrong this is ?

    I love you too sweetie, sorry to have to tell you off, I hated having to do it. But no one gets to distrespect women, not even you. xx

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