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Overcoming performance issues15189053901471121610Posted 13 Aug 2016 at 8:53 pm
FIrst, just get some sleep. You know it,s playing on you. When I say take care, I don't mean "stay awake for 26h straight so you can feel even more depressed and that you're mind can't even function properly" (cause I know how it is and no, it's not helping you). I know you can't sleep but find a way. Take melatonin etc. but sleep
And I think there was a misunderstanding.
"All I was trying to get across was that I'm female in a mans body and not a gay man, I'm just finding it hard to explain, and tried to boil it down to more simple terms for you to understand, but it obviously didn't say what I really feel,and you didn't understand."
I've always understood that. It's always been obvious to me. I've never seen you as a gay man, I'm sorry if I ever mentioned something that sounded like that. I am only focussing a bit on this topic cause you seem to be a bit lost yourself. My point is you don't need to qualify your orientation. You can say "I'm attracted to men and women" or even "I'd date a trans male/female" but you can't say "maybe I could date a bi woman" or anything like that. Stop making a list of who would date you, cause it does not work like that. What I mean by queer is that there is plenty of people who don't have a conventionnal identity or orientation. There is plenty of people like that and I think you're vision doesn't include them. Maybe you couldn't date a straight guy or a gay guy, or a straight woman or you know, but there is plenty of people out there who don't fit in these labels and who could perfectly understand you.
Maybe it's time you stop thinking about this and just be who you are. I know it's not like that for everyone but since were pretty similar maybe what applies to me can apply to you, by that I mean that people find me more attractive when I am not trying to find someone. It's crazy how when I am taken or when I am not looking for someone, everybody's interested in me, and when I am looking to find someone, and to be attractive to them, I make them fly away from me.
Maybe it's time to have a child instead. You know it'd give you the opportunity to love someone and to be loved back. You'd have the acceptance you need, and you could care for someone (as I know it's what you need too and is the reason why you are looking for love). Of course, having a child isn't always easy but I am sure in the end it is entirely worth it. I am concerned about your child hitting teenage and kind of turning your back on you (like I did with my mom). I am not concerned about them not loving you anymore, cause I know they will still do, but I am concerned about the effect that would have on you.
And your country's policy about trans makes me so angry. And sorry about hormones, my mistake. I was mistaking hormones with meds that block male or female natural hormones. That's what they give to kids because it's reversable and does not have an impact on their puberty (it just retards it to when they stop the therapy).
And I totally get you about masturbation because I do the same but with a penis. Especially when I watch porn, I was imagining being the one with a penis and using the woman. That's why I decided to stop, because it was very bad for me to do that.
I hope you find sleep and feel rested.1471149955Posted 14 Aug 2016 at 4:45 amLil_Red_Kinkyboots
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Sorry I can't quote as I'm using my phone but thank you. I'm fine though honestly. Big hugs to you both xxx1471195285Posted 14 Aug 2016 at 5:21 pm
Hi, I hope it's okay for me to post here, Alicia pointed me to this thread on a different one, and I have told her about some problems I have been having with OH.
He has recently opened up to me that he has problems getting an errection, which is the reason for our sex becoming very very very rare. I wasn't aware of this, I just presumed he had gotten off me.
We went to the GP together who suggested non penetrative sex and especially talking about our issues. My OH has always been very closed up and really doesn't talk much about feelings or his issues at all. I tried to talk to him over the weekend, but it was beyond difficult. I tried to offer him different options and suggest we try some prostate and anal stimulation for him, but he really doesn't want that (I on the other hand would have absolutely loved it). I have arranged with him that I won't initiate penetration, and will leave that up to him.
We tried some oral for less than 5 minutes, and when he didn't get an errection he just gave up and gently pulled me away. It was pretty frustrating, not because he didn't get hard, that isn't an issue for me, but because he won't try or even let me touch him when he isn't hard.
I feel like I would like to talk more to him, but I know he will shut down. The only other thing is maybe trying some tablets from the doctor to help his confidence? I am personall not too worried about whether or not he has an errection, I just crave some sort of intimacy with him. I just wnat to touch him and him to touch me, but he doesn't see a point if he can't have an errection.1471203855Posted 14 Aug 2016 at 7:44 pm
Hi Sel, You may find that he doesn't want to try tablets, if it's his masculine pride thats at issue here, also I have heard people on here say that if it's psychological that they don't really work anyway, for such cases.. I never tried my self, I knew it was in my head, and sorting that was more important than just been able to have sex, not that I get much chance of that anyway, and now It doesn''t matter to me now anyway, as I have gone right over to feeling female.
You need to find away through his defences, without pushing him away; until he stops backing away from the issue nothing is going to move. Have you tried the erotic massages, for intamacy, and lots of kissing and cuddling.
You could try this, (if you are sure it's is him feeling that he is not a man for you any more) Tell him he is a man, and its not being able to penetrate you that makes a man, it's being open with his feelings, being strong when there are difficulties in life and love, it is loving and supporting the woman in his life, and trusting your love together. Tell him you feel sad and hurt that he thinks all that is important to you is him having a working penis; and more sad and hurt that the man you love is giving up on you, even trying to push you away, because he is all caught up in his own pride. Well think again because I'm going nowhere and the harder you push me away the harder I will come back at you. You are my man, please be that man, the man you are, don't stop trying for us, don't give up on us. We are a team we do things together, we solve our problems together. There are many ways for us to be together, in bed, and give and recieve pleasure, non of them make you less of a man, only not trying, and refusing to talk to me about this will make you less of a man in my eyes. But it still won't make me leave you, so you may as well stop trying.
It's a bit of a hammer and nut stratagy but he is being hard headed about it, it's your call but it is designed, to hit him in his male pride, and hopefully make him realise that he is indeed behaving like a boy not a man. write it out and read it to him or let him read it, it's alot to remember, and if you don't get some part of it that would have got throught to him; add to it your self if you like, but twist his pride back on him to make him see what he is doing, to himself and you.
Tell him how much it would do for you to be able to pegg him, and see him get so much pleasure from it. Don't just go down on him, start kissing him, his neck down his chest his nipples, work your way around his body, make his penis just another place to come to for a moment and move, and come back to, in fact make that part of him less important. caress him in sensitive spots, turn him over work on his back the back of his thighs, the inside of his thighs, etc. don't let him pull you away. You said he did it gently; maybe he was giving you a way out, to see if you really wanted to do it. If you could get him to let you blind fold him and tie him up that would be good ( though I'm not sure at the moment if he would let you, from what you say)
Breath heavy and pant slowly as you work on him, be gently vocal, so he gets the massage that you are turned on by this, and not just going through something to help him get his erection back. He is probably thinking that you soon won't want him, that you will want a younger man, one your own age.
Don't let him give in, hammer away gently, is it that he gets nothing from sex in his mind, or that he is just being stubborn, because he thinks he is no use to you any more, I suspect a bit of both, but mostly the latter, so get him to touch and play with your body too, especially getting him to finger you. that gets part of his body inside you, and your body into his head, in the same way using his penis does.
Hope this helps, I'm here if you need to talk more. Me and Mamz , have been hammering away at our problems for quite a while, so if you want to see stubborn in action have a read from the top. Maybe something it all our talk will help too.
Alicia. xx1471205692Posted 14 Aug 2016 at 8:14 pm
Yup I think maybe having a read at the first few pages of this thread could help as it is similar issues.
I also think communication is the key, as always. I wouldn't try anything physical until you've talked.
My bf isn't the kind of guy who opens easily either and I find I have good results when I ask him precise questions. For example you could ask him "why do you think there's no point if you can't have an erection?". As him precise questions to get him to talk more about it so you can understand exactly how he feels and what is the problem. Also tell him how you feel about it.
Hope it helps1471207703Posted 14 Aug 2016 at 8:48 pm
Mamz, it's more of a list of who won't date me, so I can tell myself I had no chance anyway when it fails, go on slap the back of my head, I know. I'm just pouring out whats going through my head so you can see whats going on in there.
I wish I could just go get pregnant, maybe a child would be enough for me then, but I can't; as it is I still need to find a partner, and the killer; one young enough to have children. Another criteria to add to my potential partners profile page. Before you say no, I meant go adopt a child, I'm way off the required perameters there too. No steady relationship, no steady work, too old, right on the edge of wanting to transtion, past mental health issues, male.
As for the child pulling away in their teens it's part of being a parent, I would love to see a child of mine striking out into the world, and to be there if they needed me for help, No way would I want to try hold them back. I have always wanted that for you, you know that. I would have a partner to be with and not be alone again, it's no point thinking about that situation if I was to adopot, an adoption can't happen. You know my mom didn't want me to move out, if I had been earning enough I would have. It's not that I didn't love her, but I wanted my own life, and within the boundries of living at home she could have let me have a chance at a love of my own, she just kept insisting that I didn't need one. Maybe if I had tried back then I would have had a chance at love, but being trapped by that as well I just gave in, I could see no way out. Then again I could now be struggling with transition issues, while married, and be in a mess like Sarah, and Lisa.
I am being who I am now, and I'm not looking for someone( ok I'm on a dating site, but well over 1000 women have looked at my profile, and non respond, most say they are looking for someone younger than me, even though they are my age, and most of them are looing for taller, many even say they are looking for perfection to their tastes, no need to comment, I know what you will say as you have said it before) The reason I'm not looking for anyone is because I can't get work, I honestly feel I never will, short of going back to my last job and saying will you take another chance on me. But after falling apart at the hands of a 20 year old girl, I doubt they would. And I can't say it won't happen again.
When some woman talks to me, I switch off some how. I told you about when my Alicia half showed me what amounts to video clips of such encounters ( it seems I have practically a photographic memmory when put in certain situations) Sounds weird as I said then, but it's true; but all of them are women that I would class as making a gentle pass at me, from what they said and body language. So even when the possibility arises I go into shut down mode, and they walk away, and I don't register what happened. But the memmories are there. I need a bang on the head or something, or I'm reading something thats not there, just my mind is triggered into a certain pattern of actions in such situations.
So I can't say that I have been having people attracted to me when I wasn't looking for someone; but I did spend many years not trying because I felt there was no hope anyway. Maybe I do give off the sense of a wall, or maybe it's a total lack of confindece. Though I think I told you once before that what I do attract is married women, practically the first time I was in a pub, a married woman I knew used to drag me into corners and kiss me, or nibble my ears, after asking for a slow dance. And part of my job at one time was visiting people to take measurements, show samples etc for quotes for work to be done, and quite a few times I had to fend off these women. But never did the single ones, try to kiss me or such.1471210077Posted 14 Aug 2016 at 9:27 pm
Reaing this post, all I can think about is you need to set your priorities. You seem lost under all this and think "I need A to have B", "I want B but need C", etc. set your priority and focus on it. Do what it takes to get there and when you are, chose another priority until you have had them all.
What do you want the most? A job? A kid? A lover? To transition (or have more info about it so that you can make a proper decision)?
Of course, some of them will include others, but it'll be easier to do it cause you'll have motivation, you'll have a goal.
Your life can get better but it's up to you, you gotta kick your arse. I can't do it for you babe.1471223161Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 1:06 am
I am lost, getting it all out of my head is helpng me to be able to focus more, before my head was full of thoughts feeling like laundry going round in the washing machine, with no end to the cycle, making me dizzy.
I think I'm going no where without work, and thats been the priority since I felt well enough after my break down, and I'm not making any real progress, all I can do is keep trying.
Everone including you says finding love won't help, but after being able to feed my self which is an essential not a desire. (Maybe if money was more important to me, I would have been more driven to do better, but I always tried to do the best I could, just not successful at it.) is what I feel I need more than anything, but it comes with Alicia. If I was not accepted as Alicia, the I would not be accepted as me, so it would never work out.
Next comes having a child, always part of the same dream as finding love, but I have come to terms with that being unlikey do to age, so not having a child by a new partner would not be a deal breaker. I could live with that, if I had to.
Last transitioning; as long as Alicia is accepted and welcome in a relationship, and to my partner I am Alicia, and allowed to be her, compleately, (as I said before, I won't accept being asked to leave Alicia out of my sex life, she doesn't come and go acording to what suits a partner, I have done that before, never again, ever. )then not having surgery etc, and remaining physically male I could live with, and be content and very happy. I have gone this far in this body, and now fully accept Alicia myself, and need to be her to live, but love is so much more important to me than the flesh of my body. I am Alicia in my heart now, no one can tell me I don't qualify to become her, because I already am. But being alone for the rest of my life and in this male body is going to make me unhappy, I admit it I hate not having a female body. I can't know if I will have the love that would make me more happy, but to transition and never know what could have been is worse for me. I know I could find love after, maybe, there would be no child though. And I really have got that back in my head now, partly wishing I could carry it myself.. I also know that trying to get workafter is driving many to work in the sex industry, because thats the only place we are welcome, thats what I read anyway. Sarah says she is unemployable, I feel like that already, for other reasons.
From what Sarah has told me, I would never be allowed to transition anyway, and I don't think I have the strength to survive it either, she says the strain of it makes many ill. To make it partway and be refused the rest would kill me, even if the way we are treated didn't do it first.
It's all up to me now; including finding the motivation; thanks for being there for me, and listening to me, my dear friend. I'm still here if you need to talk and I will tell you if things change for me, and what those changes are.
Thanks babe, you're the best. Ali. xxxxx
Don't worry if I'm missing off here sometimes, I will just not be feeling up to it. I'm Ok I have Ali now, I'm comforted by that, thanks to the courage and support you gave me, and Slinky to, and evey one here who accepted Alicia. would that all the world were like my freinds here. My hair is growing nicely, that will make me feel reel good when I can do my hair really feminine and know it's really me, and I have boobs all be it small for my build. I don't have a visible voice box, so nothing to remind me when I look in the mirror. Even play time is a totally girl centered thing for me now, get this weight off and get back into my girl clothes, and start buying more, money permitting, I treated my self to a couple of nice mesh and lace stretch dresses off here a bit back, I would put up the links but they are discontinued. And I have a few pairs of killer heels.
Theres no need to post a reply. You consentrate on you and your bf, you will be back at med school soon, or what ever part of medical you are studying, sounds like you are aimimg for psychologist, or psychiatrist, from what you say about wanting to work with and help us girls, and no doubt rape victims, and the like.1471229712Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 2:55 am
Dear, i am very happy to hear you are feeling a bit more confident in your body.
From what I read there what you need is acceptance. Am i right? You need to feel accepted as alicia by your futur oh. You also need to accept yourself. Please stop talking about "her", there's absolutely no other person than her, there's only you. You are her, period.
I'll still wanna hear from you often. I can't help but feel concerned when you're away. I care about you for real.
Me and the bf will get through it. It's only a rough partch, like every other ones. Sure I'll get back to med school (and psychologist isn't a medical topic, paychiatrist is) and it'll be hard, maybe I won't even be there that much myself, but I still want to talk with you just as much. We're not done until both of us are 100% happy1471298381Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 9:59 pm
A guy said that the reason that the clitoris got further from the vagina with evolution is so that females felt less pleasure from penetration. When I told my bf about that all he said is "I agree it sucks"1471301665Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 10:54 pm
Thanks you 2, I have read almost the whole thread before posting here yesterday and you guys really have been through a lot. Alicia, can I just say, just looking at your picture you look amazing and very much a woman! just looking at your picture I would have never known or thought any different (and I don't think any different now). Embrace who you are, maybe find support groups of likeminded people, you could meet someone there?
Mamz, I have never ever had an orgasm through penetration and hardly ever have one when having sex, I can orgasm on my own, but only through clitoral and only wiht quite a bit of pressure or quite powerful toys, so I am probably a bad person to give advice on that aspect. I haven't known anything else and never thought I could possibly orgasm through penetration, but would love to know what it is like.
In regards to OH, it will be a lot of hard work. I think you are right Alicia, i think he doesn't see the point in having sex without an errection. He is not a very sensual person and to be honest, i probably wouldn't win an award myself in that category. To be fair, the whole body massage is probably something i would struggle with because i lack some body confidence myself. aren't we a great pair? ;) all the opening up he has done seems gone at the moment, i tried it last night, but i didn't get anywhere, there are only very very rare occaisions where it is possible to talk to him about these things, otherwise i literally either get one word answers or just a hm, or even nothing at all.
I know that not being able to have children makes him feel less a man and now this situation doesn't help. I think he seems more or less okay with the fact that he just won't have sex anymore? I am not sure, at least that's what it seems like. last night i tried to stroke him a bit around his pelvix and his thighs and between his legs and only very very rarely, very slightly touched his penis and after a few minutes he almost had a semi errection, i am saying almost because he was only a little hard, and that without me really touching the penis itself. however once he started to get a little hard he found a reason to get up, he came back a little later and made sure he was laying down on his side with his back towards me. so that it was clear that he didn't want me to touch him.
And that was that. not sure where to go from here, i won't pressure him on a daily basis, i think that would just end up in more rejection. but it was and is quite frustrating.1471302459Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 11:07 pm
I agree with what you said to Alicia
What you tols be about your ability to orgasm through penetration is exactly what sticks in my mind and bring me down all the time.
Your oh probably doesn't help himself because he seems to be afraid of not being able to have full intercourse and stress is exactly what can cause erectile dysfonction. I don't think you can do anything more than not pressuring him. It's up to him to deal with it since his mind seems to play a big part of his problem.1471302808Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 11:13 pm
Sweetie will you stop listening to guys who say rediculus things like that.
The clitoris for a start is not just that small bean that you can see it has wings that decend down ether side parralell to the labia right down to the vulva. Genetics doesn't work like that it has no will mutations occur and if they are benificial and provide some advantage, the that mutation becomes the norn as the less effective variation looses out and disspears. the human brain grew larger so the birth canal had to grow to accomodate this, and by how difficult child bith is I don't think the birth cannal has caught up on this evoutionary change.
I don't know what has caused this movement, if it has happened at all, but it's most certainly nothing to do with being mean towards womens pleasure. Sex is mostly in the brain, both me and you know that. forget what this guy said hes a dick, I bet the best evolutionary genetisists could do little more than speculate on this. I'm not even sure there is empirical evidence going back far enough to be able to state such a thing. there ony being skeletal remains to inspect I could not see such providing this evidence.
Your bf was just caught out, and said the only thing he could think of. Perhaps what a dick head thats rubbish would have been better. It works for many women, so why would it be that way, you know it''s down to men putting women down over centuries, it's ingrained into some women if not many from a young age, even now. that they should not enjoy sex. Come on babe rise above it we are 21st century women, and what the F*** do most men know about female pleasure anyway. it's in our brains, other women can do it, so why are we taking what men say to our heart and believing it.
Sorry if the first bit of this sound a bit like a genetics lecture, but thats me, just like you.1471303881Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 11:31 pm
I know about the clitoris but you know I am talking about the glans. For many other animals, it's closer to the vagina. I know how evolution works and the reason why it could be better for evolution that women feel less pleasure from penetration could be so that they are more selective of their male partners and only choose the stronger ones.
If sex was only in our heads, men wouldn't feel more pleasure from it than women. It's only because they have a giant clitoris they can shove up our hot wet and tight hole while ours is never stimulated at all and is so small it even hard to touch..1471305487Posted 15 Aug 2016 at 11:58 pm
I know it's up to him to help himself, but knowing what he is like it is likely to never happen. I think why tablets might be an idea is because like you say, it's in the head and he is the type of person who believes in tablets and their effectiveness. It might not resolve the problem, buy give him some confidence. The GP has also said that counselling could be an option. But since he isn't the talking kind I have little hope for hat happening.
I think I will just have to wait for the moments to have him open up and talk to him, but it's hard because it can be weeks in between for "that right moment".
I don't understand why he reacted as he did last night, and I know if I had asked he would have jus said that he was tired.1471306418Posted 16 Aug 2016 at 12:13 am
oh Sel you have got one there hunni, maybe time wil help, but I'm a beliver in sticking at it now As you will now know, I made a lifes work out of the head in sand thing, but only because I have never been able to find a good woman. I am and all ways have been open with the very few sexual partners I have have had. And do not have this male pride thing, another pointer to the fact I was always female. but I can understand it.
You will be scared to tip the boat and I understand this, but where is this going, other than a seeming attempt to drive you away, to set you free, by this. gees male ego, it don't half back fire on them, this is cutting your dong off to spit your face, type behaviour. Only time and an epifany or that wording I gave you and the shock of it.
Maybe there is some eliment of him seeing you as try to stimulate him, because his penis is what you want, and he his rejecting you rather than get part way and fail. You have to get through to him verbally. sexual intamacy isn't all about penetration, and it's this he needs to understand. Many men get this it's time to hang my boots up attutude, as you say, no erection no point to sex. they think they have done their bit put up with no sex after kids, now it's their turn to turn over in bed. Has he been sexualy rejected over long periods by past partners, this may point to the "I'm" done with it now attitude. So this is how she felt, so I'm doing what she did.
I'm just throughing Ideas up for you, if something takes you then go with it, if not I can't seem to help. It's hard for you to put every thing down for me, so I can see more of whats going on with him, and most of it's trapped in his head anyway. It seems to me you either just go on steady, give up your self, or push him hard enough to shake him, which is risky I know.
Try doing things like massage but stay away from sexual things, and see if he will go for that. don't worry over not being good, and lack of body confidence is hard, but he sees you naked and is still with you so, try to not go there in your head. What ever you think you look like you are a woman, if I can feel feminine like this, you can too. I'm soooo jealous of every woman I see, I'm a bi female, but there is still a 50 50 mix of attraction and jealousy.
I kind of figured you didn't cum from pentration, hence the question I asked you. Will he do things for you or is this sexual stike unilatteral. There is a way for someone to apply good pressure, to the clitoris in oral, one is to suck it up between the lips with tightly pursed lips, and push and roll the tongue tip over it at the same time, also, I have used my nose to great effect, with some tongue at the same time, and pulling the lips tight over the teeth and using the lips with the teeth behind them, to push up and down over the clit, and to such the clit in between the lips and teeth and sort of squeeze it with diferent jaw actions.
I think I may be able to show you how to develope internal sensations, for you into something more if you want to try. When I masturbate, I use a flesh light, but what I feel is penetration, I have learned to invert the external sensations, and the more I more deeper in to feeling female the better this gets, I do actually feel as though I'm using a dildo on my vagina, only I'm still physically male. I have had massive anal orgasms, and when with a partner, this is sex to me now, being straponed like a lesbian.
If you oh wasn't so stubborn he could have just the same if he want to. I realy feel for you hunni, keep strong and don't give up. If hes not getting angry with it, maybe you need to try push a bit harder with the talk, and not let him get away with it. sometimes men like to feel that they need to feel pushed before they give in, to make sure you're serious, and to save face from a male pride point of view, you know sticking you out until they can say they weren't a push over. Men eh.
come back if you want, I will try my best, for a fellow woman, anytime. Good luck. XXX
If you can't get him to do anything at all, I don't know any way else to get his mind changed around at this time..1471307512Posted 16 Aug 2016 at 12:31 am
I know about the clitoris but you know I am talking about the glans. For many other animals, it's closer to the vagina. I know how evolution works and the reason why it could be better for evolution that women feel less pleasure from penetration could be so that they are more selective of their male partners and only choose the stronger ones.
If sex was only in our heads, men wouldn't feel more pleasure from it than women. It's only because they have a giant clitoris they can shove up our hot wet and tight hole while ours is never stimulated at all and is so small it even hard to touch..
You are in a bad mind set again, all I know how to do is give you a big hug sweetie. But I do think you are confusing easy to climax, with the amount of pleassure. I have a male body and it's not that fantastic of a climax. the women I know who do cum describe something almost Identical to my anal orgasms. And trust me often ejaculation is a short sharp jerking sensation, and at most a mere shadow of an anal orgasm.
If some women come easy hard and fast from clitoral and penetration, why is mind not the deciding factor in this. But I know you when you are being like this, it's all logical, but in the negative. Please calm down for me and comparing male and female pleassure is only hurting you, and I so hate that, I don't want you to feel like this, you are in pain again. But I'm here for you when you need to let it out, and punch holes in my help, you are too smart for me. But I try my best. you could punch me if it would help you get it out of your system.
I do so care about you so very much as well, and yes it's real for me too. Love Alixx1471310338Posted 16 Aug 2016 at 1:18 am
The clitoris has twice the number of nerve endings compared to the glans penis, packed into that tiny spot. Go on answer that one.
Also if the clitoris being further away from the vulva, than in animals, is linked to choosing a strong mate, how come female animals still choose the strongest mates.
Also in horses, and bovines the only funtion the clitoris has is to prevent urine from running down under the animals body. The clitoris has eveloved in loads of diferent ways in animals.
Most of the women on here will tell you that brut force, as in the strong male, does nothing without finess. And choosing a mate involves many things not just how much brut force pleasure a man can bring to bare, during sex, determined by how much pleassure it brings. if at all, in my opinion. Liking it hard is more to do with bringing out the animal side, which is a mental thing. And I'm talking about instinctual choices, like long strong legs, strong muscular in general, deep voice signaling high testosterone levels in development. Height and build.
I'm not letting you get away with doing this to yourself, I care too much for you to watch you do this to your self and say nothing.1471312004Posted 16 Aug 2016 at 1:46 am
thanks ali for shaking my thought like that1471504971Posted 18 Aug 2016 at 7:22 am
Sweetie how could you ever belive I would want to shut you out, I feel the same for you as you do for me. You know that, as far as it can be from here my life is an open book to you and always will be. Please don't ever think that I think you are being harsh with me, or feel bad, because I need to be put straight.. I trust you to say what needs to be said, as I hope you do with me.
Just know that it may take a while for me to stop finding logical rebufs to your words, just as you did with me. It does seem asinine in the extream, to see that I am being just like you, after what I have said to you in the past, you are correct there. I wish I could just stop, I feel foolish, but even that doesn't stop me. All I can see right now is what seems the probability factors of where I am, and that it feels like it's in the hands of other people, not me. No matter how much I belive I deserve love it to me seems it won't just appear. And I suppose I'm terrified to go looking for it, people scare me. It scares me how easily I became the "property" of my ex. and how willing I was to remain with her.
I know you love me as I do you, but forgive me here for saying , to love someone is not the same as being in love with someone. You are the dearest friend I have ever had, and while I feel a bond of commonality with the other trans girls, what we have transends even that, and you know this to be true.
If I asked you to stay away from that thread that would be rejecting you, and I could never do that, and I hope that you would never abandon me, you said you would not, and I believe you.
I'm sorry for how I am being, but I just can't make sense of things at the moment. Your problem involved only your perceptions of your reality, you have your bf. what I do is question what others will think, and I have no control over others, I only seek to find my place, and understand who would love me. So I may know if they exist. And where to look. You can't denie, that it's statistically a limited possibility, there just are not that many people to find. even cis people find it very hard to find someone particulaly at my age. Sure it happens, to plenty, but it's not easy.
But you are right in that I feel if no one has ever loved me, why would someone now, when I'm am becoming female. I get told I'm ugly, and old, and fat., by several people. I can't make a door out, because it's not just me who has to make and open the door.
Please for give me Mamz, for being like this, I'm still lost, I'm just glad you are so much better.
The love I have inside to be "in love" with, shines like a thousand suns, but without a someone to shine it on.
It is my heart to give of myself and to care for someone, and that is why I search for love, I don't know how you know that of me but you do. As for worthy to be loved, I will trust that you say I am, for to say otherwise would be to say you don't love me. It's just so hard to imagine finding that person, somewhere close by, to be in love with.
I too have never really had good sex, except for that brief time with my FWB, but it lacked heart, it was empty physicality. But it did start to make me realise I was truly female, while being pegged and my hair pulled hard, because I knew I wasn't having anal sex, a far as my mind was concerned.
This is all nothing without a job anyway, that has to come first, and I have been trying the best I can for 5 years. But I am so grateful that you are there for me, in this.
Please just do what you feel needs to be done for me, if that means being tough then thats what I need. Only you truly understands me, because we are so alike, and have had the same life.
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