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  1. Overcoming performance issues

    1470687020
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    She means that she knows that these threads are not meant to annoy/hurt her personally :) (well that's what I understand from it)

    ^^ This is what I ment Slinky, sorry I didn't qualify the statment, it was a bit open, bad gramma.

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    Mamz I just realised that when thinking about it ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ sorry, my heads a mile behind today. Sending big hugs to you both loveliess๐Ÿ˜™๐Ÿ’–xx

    1470687417
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    Any time you need them just ask hun xxxx

    I would just like to make a comment on your last paragraph of the above post - yes, someone most definitely will want you as you are - however that won't happen until YOU can be truly happy with who you are, but I am guessing you probably already know that.

    It sounds harsh I know, and taking into account everything you have been through it sounds even harsher, but you will have built an invisible wall around yourself in the name of self preservation, and probably give off wary vibes totally unintentionally, but people can sense and read these signs which ultimately prevents people from trying to get close.

    I think the above are the reasons you feel able to open up here, and you have totally, because we don't know who each other are and will never actually meet in reality. Unfortunately to move on, you will eventually need to find the courage to do this with a 'real' person, and then you will know you have found someone special.

    I don't know what else to say, and hope you don't find this to be insensative, sometimes things just need saying by someone else to make them real.

    You are so brave and have come so far, don't give up now sweetheart xxxx

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    Nooo Alecia, Its my fault I didn't think it through ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ

    I say thisoften, is there no way you can skip by the threads that hit a saw spot? Some aren't all that obvious until read so I see that it'll not always be possible. But the obvious ones 'titles specifically ' if you like could be skipped by.

    Think we all are guilty of looking at stuff that either hits a saw point or doesn't sit well. Think it's a curiosity thing. Also you have an incredible gift of being able to help others, alot of that comes from experience you've personally experienced. So maybe sometimes when you give incredible advice it's too emotional when you think of the circumstances in compassion with your own? I know that happens with me, I'll reply somebody trying to be up- beat and positive but really it hurts so bad my tummy is in knots.

    Sometimes you have to pull back a bit, putting your own emotions first.


    So sorry for not understanding what you meant hunni. You was perfectly clear, it just didn't dawn on me until I posted ๐Ÿ™ˆ๐Ÿ™ˆ going to try and get my brain in gear so I can make better contributions. ๐Ÿ’–xx

    1470687917

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    I think your wording is great LNT. Sorry I also missed the huggles post. Yiure so sweet and lovely ๐Ÿ˜™ love the new avi too ๐Ÿ’–xx

    1470689855
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks LNT I am happy with how I am, just not the body bit, and thats the problem, I did open up to a woman and she said she was OK with it, until she saw the real me, then it wasn't ok any more for her. You have probably heard of guys who will say that all a lebian needs is a man in her bed to "cure" her; well that was this womans attitude.

    Now I feel happy as a woman, I'm kind of feeling stuck, my first choice would be a lesbian relationship, but as I'm only trans, (and I don't like that lable, but this world loves lables) and not in a womans body no lesbian would want me. I physically can't be a lesbian. My alternative is being with a straight woman, the chances of meeting a pansexual woman is not good.

    But I have no real life experience of meeting any straight woman that would go for me, but several who would hate the Idea, some of the women in that recent job started on about this, without them knowing who was sat next to them, and the contempt they expressed was quite upsetting.

    It's not insensitive LNT and I apreciate you taking the time to post, sorry I'm a bit stubborn. You are welcome to hit me on the head and say don't be daft, anytime Hun. I think I need it.

    Slinky it's ok don't worry about the not getting it thing, it happens all too easy on here, the thing is we do talk to each other and sort it out, I know you wouldn't think bad of me, I certainly wouldn't think bad of you, ever.

    And please you and Manz don't be thinking I would go harm myself, I know you both worried, because I said I am tired of life, I'm sorry I said that but it's true. but I'm not looking to check out. which is more than I can say for my laptop.

    1470690667
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    OK, so in one respect we are actually the same - happy in ourselves , but not the body bit (not in the same way I know, but equates to the same thing), although recently I have managed to get over that a lot, much due to the LH community!!!

    As for the other issues, I would not insult you by trying to offer advice as I have absolutely no idea how you must be feeling, so I will just offer my fullest support, and back up should you need it.

    BTW I wouldn't advise offering your head as a bashing block, especially the way I am feeling at the moment with work issues I am currently experiencing - I could quite happily bash some heads together, but I don't want one to be yours xxxxx

    1470691474
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks LNT though sometimes it only takes a word to change someones thinking, and you might say that word. say something if you feel you want to anytime, Mamz will tell you how stubborn I am though.

    You know how you feel as a woman, you were born to it and grown up with it, thats one issue I have;, I haven''t grown up with this, I have surpressed it, and not real understood what I was feeling and now I'm struggling with emotions I would have had to deal with as a young woman. If that makes sence.

    1470691921
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    I may have grown up being female with female emotions etc, but trust me, at this point in my life (perimenopausal) I have no friggin idea what is going on with my emotions!!! Lol

    Sorry, don't mean to make a joke of it, but to be honest my brain is a joke at the moment, all over the place and no control over it!!!

    I truly wish I could flick a switch for you and make it all better -you are an awesome lady xxx

    Stubborn - you ain't met stubborn till you've met me!!!! Xxxxx

    1470770226
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    My dear Alicia, I won't have much time to come on the forum for the next few days. Don,t worry about it, I'm simply back to my parent's place for about a week and have a lot of things to do. I prefer taking the time to write you a proper message rather that rushing into it because I have other things to do and am in a hurry. Please don,t think that I am neglecting you. I promise I'll do my best to come here as soon as possible to write to you. I should have some time soon but I can't know when.

    Meanwhile, take care.

    1470882823
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly about the maditation, I'd say that that type you did with your emotion is great, but maybe not for your situation. Let me explain. You are wondering how it allows you to live in the present, well if te emotions are comming from the past, it doesn't. I think it's more of a kind of meditation you should do when you feel angry reading a thread on here but that it may not be the best option for dealing with the emotions you've blocked for years. I think as these emotions you are dealing with are very complexe and are associated with something really really painfull it's different. It's not just like getting angry a cashier at the store and trying to control that emotion. I think the best way you could deal with yours is when you open the emotion, try not to just look at it, try to live it. You were getting it right untill you blocked. Try what I told you before so you can live it. Tell yourself that it's ok, don't try to name the emotion, just live it and let it take possession of your body. Let it all out, and after that it'll no longer be part of your body.

    And I totally get why you are feeling like this about men. It hurts be too very much. But You've thaught me to let go. You've taught me that not all mena re like that, and that those who are here are an exception, it's not about all men being bad, it's an exception for some.

    For your body dysmorphia, do you think it's time to take feminine hormones pills? How do you feel about that? your body fat would probably distribuate diffenrently, you'd grow some boobs, etc. You'd probably feel better and you'd feel like it's your real body, that it fits better with who you are. And for your hair, You can go to the hairdresser if you have enough money. If you want to dye it yourself, I think using vaseline around your hair line could help keep the dye from getting in your face. For other places, simple wipe it as soon as you can and it won't stain for very long (maybe you'll have dark spots for a few days but that all). The best advice would be to find someone to do it for you, but I don,t know it someone around you would do it?

    And babe, why do you think no one would want you like you are? There are some lovely people out there that are very open minded and all, don,t worry about that (in fact the openmindness should be a standard).

    I know it's hard but you'll have to stop thinking that everyone is like your ex. She was a mean person and that is exceptionnal, it's definitely not the norm.

    I hope you,re doing ok while I'm away. I saw some friends yesterday, and at the beginning I loved the night but I ended up hating it. I'll have to clear some of those things with some of them but some other I won't be bothering with anymore. I ended up really hurt because I finally told those friends my experience and they were very open about it. Except one of them feels as like he may have had sex with a woman who wasn't really wanting it so he feels a bit weird about the subject. At one point the conversation just switched to a subject I hated. They concluded that wanting to score was comming from the male instinct because sex felt good. My bf took part of that too and I feel again like a woman has nothing to get from sex and that I'm just being used because I don't have a penis to feel as much pleasure. Especially during sex. I was questionning everything, and at some point I didn't even see the point of living either.

    Sorry for making that about myself

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    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    I am probably going to get slated for saying this but I would lay off of the toys for now. The reason I'm saying this is because your body gets used to them and ends up being reliant on them in order to reach an orgasm. I know this because I have experienced this myself. The same as Alicia4Eve said to lay off erotica/porn too because of desensitisation. Go back to basics and your body will start to respond the way it should naturally without any additional props to aid you to orgasm.
    It is much the same as when people become addicted to masturbation, they find it difficult to have sex/reach orgasm with anyone because their bodies are used to a certain touch that their partner cannot give them. My advice would be to stop any solo play as well.

    I wish the best for you and I'm sure you will get there in the end. Big hug

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    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    Alicia4Eve I just have to say this and I mean this in the most genuine way - I would never ever in a million years have thought you were trans or your age either!

    I have just read the whole thread as I must confess I hadn't when I made my last comment. You really have been through it and still are from the sounds of things and yet you sound such a lovely person offering such good advice. You really do deserve to be loved and don't let anyone else make you think otherwise. The ones that have mistreated you are the sad ones and they have to live with that. You on the other hand can live with yourself confidently knowing that you have done no harm. Karma is a great thing and love will find you. Don't try so hard and concentrate on you. There is someone out there for everyone. I agree it must be difficult for you and I cannot imagine what you must have to go through but stay strong, believe in yourself. There's a saying - you are responsible for your own happiness - others cannot give it to you. I truly wish you all the best X

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz sweetie, it's a two way street with us, it always has been, so anything you feel you want to tell me is; well what I want to hear, you know I'm here for you too. just because you were feeling better, and I need to talk again, doesn't mean we can't do both, your feelings and mine at the same time.

    I don't want to sound mean about your bf, but joining in that conversation, when he should have shut it down, as soon as it started, we insensitive at best; I want to swear but I'm trying to feel lady like. Take a deep breath, say arrgggg men, and try to get back to where you two were. Personally I would be having words with him if he were mine. I want to hug you hunni, I don't want you feeling like I do sometimes, I worry about you too; though I always feel better when I have someone to tell it to, so you can always tell me just how you feel, and know theres a big hug waiting for you when you do.

    Neither one of us can follow our own advice, I'm just glad we can give it for each other. I'm doing OK, you just keep confusing me though( in a good way) by making me question giving up on things I want. I feel like it's over as far as having a kid, and you say no it's not, and I start thinking about the possibility again; then you ask me if I want to transition, and tell me that it would help me feel better, after I had thought it could never happen, now I'm thinking about it again, well more like dreaming. I need to process these feelings, I'm so unsure of what is really possible, it just seems like every time I reach for my dreams, my world comes apart; as if fate doesn't want happiness for me.

    I feel my self changing, the more I accept and love myself as female, the more things change for me. When I said I wanted to be a real lesbian, I wasn't talking about shutting men out of my head. I tried to do that for years, and it made me hurt in ways I don't understand, the pain made me realise I can't shut them out, it's who I am, only choose not to act on it; a least until I'm more emotionally stable. What you said about it being ok to feel the attraction to men, but not be attracted to one, is a way of thinking about it that I hadn't considered, so thank you for that. You are a very wise young woman " sometimes" hehe.

    What I was meaning was that I wished I was physically a woman, so that I could go and be a lesbian for real; I don't have a vagina, which a lesbian would want. No matter how I feel in my head, a lesbian would not want me, and I understand that to my lesbian core.

    I don't want to be the bottom in a gay relationship, maybe it's odd, but I feel like a bi-sexual woman, not I bi-sexual man, so I want a straight guy, or a lesbian woman, I'm not sure pansexual is on the cards for me. I'm still getting my head around having my true self out of the locked box, so "I don't really know". I think that should be my epitaf.

    To say I am off men, and want to be a lesbian, all I fantasize about is taken by a guy, in a vagina I don't have, as well as anally. (I'm going nuts; and putting it down on here) I just want to be penetrated.

    I still don't understand what you mean by "live those emotions" please tell me you don't mean I should let myself go back in my head and re-live what happened, emotions and all. I'm sure I was told not to do that. At the moment the block just shuts any attempts down after a couple of seconds, I can't cry. I have told you it's all there in my head, images, sensations, emotions, even the betrayal by my own body; yes I knew what you meant, when you wrote this.

    I understand that you have felt like your body was betraying you. I think it's normal to feel this way, and you're absolutely not to blame. I think that may be one other great reasons of why you just keep blocking, you don't wanna let that body betray you again don't you?

    Even though I redirected it at the time.

    Why would I think no one will want me; well perhaps not no one, but if I can't find someone as a straight guy, ( and I would tell them straight off about me) how do I find a woman, who would want a bi-sexual trans female, who may or may not want to transtion, and who would love to have a child. T girl, and queer sarah, both lost wife and kids over how they are.

    I could bare to live as a man out of the house for her even to for go transition, but , I would need her to call me Alicia, and let me dress and be Alicia, all around the house, and even in bed, and for her to make love to Alicia, and only Alicia. For her to see me as Alicia, and love Alicia, with no thought of my male Identity. This is a tall order, thanks for being positive on this; but I find it hard not to be realist about the possibility. I told you that woman 7 years ago said it was ok, until she met Alicia. And my first left me because she said I was feminine, I know 2 people is not exactly representative of the spectum, but it is empirical, and total of my experience, to me.

    I'm being stubborn I know. Liike you I always have an answer, that leads me right back to the begining. Wheres the damed door; it's like a fairground maze of mirrors, in a horror movie.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Lil-Red. Mamz has been raped too so it's a bit more than just can't orgasm for her too. I don't think she mentions it straight out on this thread so you wouldn't have picked up on it.

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    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel for all of you ๐Ÿ’— I have hit the backspace so many times and then retyped as I don't want to talk about it, but I do know how you all feel. First hand experience, it is just way back in my mind and I don't want to pull it back out again.

    Much love to you all x

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    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots [sign in to see picture]
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    And no I didn't know about mamz so thank you. Feel dreadful now for what I advised.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Lil_Red_Kinkyboots wrote:

    I feel for all of you ๐Ÿ’— I have hit the backspace so many times and then retyped as I don't want to talk about it, but I do know how you all feel. First hand experience, it is just way back in my mind and I don't want to pull it back out again.

    Much love to you all x

    Aw hunni, not you too !!!! hugs.

    it's way back in my mind too, but it's back to eating me alive, Mamz, and Slinky are trying to help me deal with it, from their experience, so yes there are 4 of us on this thread now. Don't feel bad for that post, Mamz will understand. You may not want to talk but you have kind of said it, I know how hard it can be just to say "I've been raped". You do what you feel is best for you, but we are here. So sorry you have been through this too, stay strong hunni.

    Love Ali xx

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Lil red kinky boots, you shouldn't feel bad. Your advise was great, only we could clearely understand that you only read the first post (and I don,t blame you, it's a huge thread and I wouldn't have read it myself). You're really dedicated because you've read all that haha

    It is very nice of you to care and to offer advice, and what you said to Alicia is just so kind in my opinion. And I am sorry that happened to you too.

    Alicia, Thanks. I know you want to hear about how I feel even if you're feeling down but I feel bad for bringing so much negativity when you're feeling down already. But you,re right, I'd want the same if the situation what the opposite too.

    And my bf wasn't bad. As youa lready know he can't predict when I will react like that. I guess I am the only one taking it like that and we talked a bit about it and he says that he didn't understant it like that at all and that for him the other guy always meant that it's like that for both sexes. However, I spoke to some random dude tonight and I really didn,t like what he said. I'm keeping it on hold for now but I'll sure cry a bit about it when I get back home and have more time to think. For now I'm absolutely turned off from sex though.

    You're talking about dreams, but I really can't see why it would be impossible? Because of your age? because of your situation? You know I want to help people like you with my profession and I can't see why what applies to other people in your situation couldn,t apply to you. Every trans people has come trhough innacceptance from other and through believing it is impossible and that they are stucked in the wrong body. Maybe go to see your gp and talk about hormones. Start with that, he he gives you a prescription see how it goes. It's nothing irreversable so you can experiment and see if you feel great that way and if it's sufficient of if you'd like to go even further. There's no limit if it's to attain hapinness hunn.

    Your funny about I am a yong yoman sometimes haha. But I'm glad I made you see it in a difrerent way :)

    I can't see why you couldn't find someone queer or pan or whatever who wouldn't understand you and love you for who you are. In fact sorry but I don't even understant why you couldn't be attracted to someone other than an hetero man or gay woman.

    About living your emotions. Of course I don't mean "go back there", but I mean live the emotions when it comes. If it's about something from the past, just let it be. Don't force it, just let it be.

    I don't know about t girl and queer sarah but were't they married when they came out? This changes a lot. and it won't be your situation.

    Again, your talking about an exception. Some people are bad and yourexes were part of them. I am not saying everybody would be ok with Alicia, but I am saying that there sure will be someone who will one day.

    I think the door to your identity "crisis" (you know who you are but don't know if you're gonna be accepted as that person) is in loving you :) Don't give up. We love you

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz, if you read my post on monday at 8:57pm you can see I only discounted a pansexual because I think the chances of meeting one is very low, I can't even find someone as a straight male. I'm going through such a strange time right now everything about me is in constant flux.

    What I was saying is that I make sense to me now as a bi-sexual woman, where as a me as a bi-sexual man just didn't fit properly in my head, I'm very sexually attracted to men, but some how the thought of being a gay man doesn't feel right, so neither does a gay relationship; I have felt female but thought this must be something to do with being gay, as a lot of gay men like to cross dress. But I'm not, a gay man, it's only opening myself properly to this, that I know the confusion, over whether or not I was gay(which took me to 40 to accept as you know) has made me understand what the confusion was about.

    It was because I was always female, yet still bi-sexual, I'm still trying to get my head round terms like pansexual (queer used to be another term for gay does it mean something different these days, I'm a bit out of touch, due to avoiding people and sex for 30 years) I'm not totally sure what pansexual really means, so I can't identify with it. But I could be with a man who ever he is cappable of being attracted to but I don't feel emotionally attracted to gay "acting" men but I don't know why, the few I have known were lovely; maybe it's because I feel I would have to be bottom, and they would need that too. I can switch but It would have to be with a strapon, and would they be up for doing the same, if they didn't want to use their penis. I'm not confident I can manage giving sex with what may be a penis, but doesn't really want to be one. Even if I could manage it they would have to know I was doing it for emotional and physical intamacy only. The ones I have slept with were very sensitive lovers, but straight acting, but for some reason I could never orgasm with them; maybe I wasn't ready.

    They were straight acting, and thought I was an open minded straight guy which at the time I suppose I was. Some gay men seem to have a thing for staight men, and love nothing more than to tempt them it to bed. I was just starting to wonder, what was different about me.

    But a gay man wouldn't want a woman, and if I don't transition I would still be technically male, just female in the head. Hell this is getting too complex. I just feel like I'm am being driven by the way things are to either accept being alone, go with a straight woman, as a man, or go gay, and try and forget Alicia, but that will kill me in the end. I just don't see me finding any one that would accept me as Alicia, even if I don't transition. It was hard enough finding gay men to sleep with locally. There are non openly gay where I live, they would suffer much hatred. Read Sarah's posts to me, see what she has had to go through, I'm not sure I would live through it, after the way I fell appart at the hands of 1 young women, as a man to her. Maybe another trans would be the way to go, it wouldn't bother me if I met some lovely woman and she turned out to still have a penis, or a nice guy who still had a vagina. All I was trying to get across was that I'm female in a mans body and not a gay man, I'm just finding it hard to explain, and tried to boil it down to more simple terms for you to understand, but it obviously didn't say what I really feel,and you didn't understand.

    Sorry I'm being negative, and not very hope full, but to me it just seems realistic.

    Sarah says that female hormones do have irriversible effects, you can not get them from a gp under perscription, and what shocked me the most, that the NHS over here considers Transexuality as a "mental illness." despite the government treating trans people a legaly female, or male after transition. Also that you have to be free of under lying mental health issues; I'm already on their radar for that; with out going into the fact they drove me to a full on break down. But no one would belive me, I'm just a mental case after all, and they would say I'm delusional. Sorry that subject makes me so angry.

    I know you love me as I am, I can't put in to words just how much that means to me; and I have some lovely female friends here that just see the woman Alicia; and I already love Alicia, I always have, it's just body dismorphia thats the massive problem. That and the past comming back to haunt me again, no job, and no one " In love with me" There has been some one fairly recently ( i always tell straight away), and even she thought she could "mend" me, I can't be mended I'm not broken, in that way, even if the rest of me needs sewing back together, thats one thing that is ok, I'm female, and I feel whole in my head, at least where that is concerned.

    You take care too, you keep getting knocked over, emotionally. I'm glad you didn't feel it was your bf's fault, but from the way you first mentioned it , it sounded that way to me; Why did you have to go take some random guys words to heart, You only just told me that such people are the exception, and to forget them. Have a cry and move forward, don't forget you have my backside to kick into shape hehe.

    Sweetie I will be honest here, I have been down from the moment you met me, so don't worry. I told you I saw you as a young me that I wanted to help, and you have given me such joy, and I see good things for you in the future. All the things I should have had, I have in you.

    All I can do is live each day as it comes. even if I go no further than where I am now, I'm still a woman in my heart, you got me here, even while I was helping you. If I have to make some big compromises I will still be a woman, body or not. right now when I look at my body it seems more female than male, and it is only my perseption of it that has changed. Even when I fantasize and play alone it is with the thoughts and feelings of a woman, what is touched on the out side feels to me as though I am touching myself internally, my mind now registers a vagina that isn't there, while I have done this off and on for years, on a time by time basis; it's now every time, I play.

    I have got having a child in my head again, so I would have to stay male to do that, thats one of the compromises, or trade offs. I wil take from life what ever comes my way. I know you will say fight for what you really want, but I don't know how to get round the obsticles. I can fight my own mind, but struggle doing it with other people, or I would still be in a job.

    Look at the time, I have been awake for 26 hours now, and still not tired enough to sleep. I will end up asleep some time today.

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