• Male Low Sex Drive/Holding Back

    1260135725
    Kia [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 1 Dec 2009

    I think my husband I have an opposite sexual challenge to most.
    I have a high sex drive but his is almost non-existant. I've tried many different things to "get him in the mood". We've talked about it (at a non sexual time, so as to avoid any feelings of confrontation) and he says he just doesn't feel the urge.

    When I do occassionally get him in the mood he often holds back on his orgasm/ejaculation (even to the point he will sometimes hold the foreskin tightly closed of the head of his penis so as to "not make a mess".

    I've made it clear that it's not a big issue if he doesn't achieve penetration or maintain an erection and I make sure we have towels on hand so that any "mess" can be quickly removed.

    We've been together over 8 years and when he does manage to let go sex is absolutely wonderful, not perfect but very satisfying nonetheless.

    Really, what I'm looking for is sensible ideas to help get him in the mood and put him more at ease.

    1260136849
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Hiya! Welcome to the forum Kia

    Firstly I would say don't worry you are far from alone. There are a few threads on similar scenarios with lots of helpful advice in that you can find by using the "search forum" function at the top right. I've had a quick look and got a few results by searching for low libido:

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/search/?q=low+libido&s=all

    If you would like some more specific advice I can try and help but I'd probably need to know a wee bit more info. Some questions and thoughts that come to mind are:

    - has your husband always been this way or is it something that has developed recently/in recent years?

    - if there has been a change does it correlate to any other major changes in your lives i.e. lost job, illness etc.?

    - does your husband's attitude to mess extend to areas and situation other than sex i.e. is he compulsively tidy?

    - what things have you already tried to help get him in the mood?

    I think you're definately doing the right thing by talking to him and well done for recognising that it needed to be done at a non-sexual time. Sounds like your heart and horniness are in the right place so hopefully it will be possible to get you the kind of satisfaction you crave!

    In the mean time: my favourite compromise for when I'm super-horny and my OH isn't in the mood is for me to masturbate on the bed next to him while he kisses me and lightly strokes my body. Either we carry on like this till I've satisfied myself or he ends up horny and off we go! win-win!

    xxKPxx

    1260137531
    Kia [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi KP =)

    Has he always been this way? Sort of. It's just got much worse in the past couple of years.
    Has there been a change? We got married... Although it started way before that.
    Does he have the same attitude to mess in other situations? He has the same attitude towards anything gooey, sticky, icky or yucky (his words).
    What have I tried? In the "non-kinky" realms I've tried the whole "sex is a no-no" for a while (based on you always want what you can't have), plenty of intimacy (kisses, cuddles, stroking, etc), setting the mood with candles, music, light meal. Through to light bondage, anal play (for him), being submssive, being dominant, dressing up (one or both), role playing, plenty of toys (most chosen together).

    What works one time often doesn't the next - bit of a lucky dip situation.

    1260139413
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow you've tried a fair bit then!!! The lucky dip thing must make it awkward because you never know what's going to work...though I suppose you could look at it in terms of variety keeping it interesting!

    In terms of the mess I can sympathise from your perspective: I love mess, I'd happily be covered in oil or chocolate but my OH is very much of the anti-icky POV. I would happily kiss my OH when he hasn't brushed his teeth and have sex when he hasn't showered but he doesn't let me! He doesn't like oral sex if I haven't just showered (which is fair enough) but it's sometimes hard not to feel a bit rejected and dirty (in a bad way). I generally just don't recieve oral sex very often as I find it difficult to relax enough to enjoy it.

    Enough of the shared woe and on to the practical advice for reducing the ick factor:

    - condoms help to contain the mess so it's easier to clean up afterwards.

    - I keep Lil-lets harmony intimate feminine wipes by the bed for a quick clean before and after sex.

    - showering before, after (hell even during!) sex might help you OH to feel more comfortable.

    Because you've tried so much already I wonder if it's worth having some couples counselling? "Relate" are supposed to offer a very good service though I believe there's a few weeks wait and I think it costs about £40.

    Either way I think you definately need to have another chat with your OH to try and a) get him to open up a bit more about his reluctance to have sex and b) come to a sexual compromise so that you're satisfied and he doesn't feel pressured.

    Hope I'm being vaguely useful!

    xxKPxx

    1260139561

    [suspended user]

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    Like Kitty I agree this situation is more common than we may think. I'm no expert but have you thought about some kind fo couple's therapy? I don't think the normal advice of more exciting stuff will help in this case and I think his holding back is really key. Those are just my thoughts and please feel free to disregard with what you know. I think you've done really well talking to each other but think maybe a way to keep this going and investigate what causes him to hold back may help.

    I hope things get even better.

    1260139635

    [suspended user]

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    lol my post crossed with Kitty's!

    1260139843
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    imeldaimelda wrote:

    lol my post crossed with Kitty's!

    Great minds

    xxKPxx

    1260144909
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    Kia wrote:

    Hi KP =)

    Has he always been this way? Sort of. It's just got much worse in the past couple of years.
    Has there been a change? We got married... Although it started way before that.
    Does he have the same attitude to mess in other situations? He has the same attitude towards anything gooey, sticky, icky or yucky (his words).
    What have I tried? In the "non-kinky" realms I've tried the whole "sex is a no-no" for a while (based on you always want what you can't have), plenty of intimacy (kisses, cuddles, stroking, etc), setting the mood with candles, music, light meal. Through to light bondage, anal play (for him), being submssive, being dominant, dressing up (one or both), role playing, plenty of toys (most chosen together).

    What works one time often doesn't the next - bit of a lucky dip situation.

    That sounds like a really tough problem, and I appreciate that you've been working at this really hard for a long time with sporadic results.

    Based on what you've said, I am suspecting that your husband has a strong association of "gooey, sticky, icky yucky (his words)" with sex. That sounds really problematic because how is he supposed to get in the mood for something he thinks is icky and yucky? Until his outlook about sex changes from "icky yucky" to "scrummy yummy", I think things are likely to go on as they are, unfortunately.

    My opinion is that this is a problem you are unlikely to be able to sort out alone. You've tried for a long time, with little improvement. From what you've said, it sounds like his interest in changing his outlook towards sex is limited. And I think that for any change in his outlook to happen, he is going to have to want it to happen. Without that, I think any change is unlikely.

    So I think that your best bet is to find him an appropriate counsellor who can help him to realise that sex is a delightful part of life with body secretions contributing deliciously to that. If he wants to address tis problem, he will help you do it. If not, I think there's nothing you can do.

    I wish you all the luck in the world.

    1260152532
    masterandslave [sign in to see picture]
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    Just on the icky subject - do you two use lube at all? Maybe using one of these...

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=6016

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=14792

    ...as a massage gel for both of you to use on each other - just start off in a non threatening place like your backs, and that might help to ease him into thinking more liquids in the bedroom are acceptable.

    x

    1260211137
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow Kia, sounds like a toughy.

    Well done to you btw hun, sounds like you are doing everything right and as the others have suggested perhaps getting some help in would be the best next step.

    It does sound like it's the "ickyness" that is the main problem, and I can really relate to this. I used to be obsessive compulsive when I was younger, took handwashing to the extreme and still have an issue with "mess".....does your OH have a reason behind his dislike of "ick"? For example - is it the texture? Hygeine?

    If you can get to the bottom of why he has a problem then it may be easier to work through it with him and find a solution (for example, texture can be changed by diet and frequency of orgasm).

    Ax

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