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  1. How do i cope with wifes affair

    chubber [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 81
    • Joined: 13 Dec 2008

    Powys,know exactly how you feel,thought i was reading my life there for a minuite minus the kids.
    The trust has gone,once gone its hard to get back.
    Every time she is on the phone or late back from somewhere you will be going mad wondering.
    Quit while your ahead and your dignity is in tact.
    Leave and start again,sounds harsh ,but you will find someone better who deserves you.
    As the saying goes
    The grass is greener ,but still full of weeds.
    Good luck

    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3043
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    None of us are living in your house, none of us have walked a mile in your shoes.

    I will say this, for everyone saying "do what makes you happy here" there is NO happy when you are dealing with a marriage and children between the two of you. No matter what the decision tehre will be pain and it will require forgiveness no matter if you stay married or not, she is the mother of your children.

    Seeking counseling, that is my best advice here. This is not something sorted out within a day or two. This did not happen in a bubble, it will be painful, like pulling off a scab but necessary to work though no matter what you decide in the end.

    Aqualaria [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
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    • Joined: 5 Mar 2012

    I am so sorry to hear this. I was shaking when I was reading it. Must be awful to be in it.

    I don't have much to add, other than this isn't a mistake. It is deliberate actions over a number of months. It was always going to hurt you. For me, kids or no kids, I would be leaving. She has thrown away all the trust, and you can never get that back.

    If you do decide to leave, consult a solicitor first, to ensure you do what the court will think is best for the children. Also, I would advise writing the timeline and details down, whilst it is fresh. You never know when it may come in handy.

    Take care.

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 7354
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Stuburns wrote:

    What a horrible thing to happen. Firstly dig deep and ask yourself some questions. Do you think that you could trust her again. Will the though of her with another man just crop up every time etc. I would also ask your wife what she would do if the shoe was on the other foot. Her answer could determine if she has indeed fallen out of love with you. If she says she would never forgive you then I think she may be hoping you come to the same conclusion and give her therapy way out of your relationship.
    Really only you can make that decision and although many can advise you you can only listen to yourself.
    With children I always say more damage can be caused to them in a broken home but if you stay together you must not allow it to affect your children.

    I wish you well for the future.

    +1 I really hate affairs as they are marraige wreckers and wrecks peoples lives including many inocents like children . I really wish some people would think first before getting involved as they always tend to get found out in the end .And that website and the owner who encourage affairs should be ashamed of themselves. People will do anything low these days for money .

    Listen mate there is nothing really I can add to whats already been suggested other than I just wish you all the best in trying to sort this out.

    Audrianna87 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 27 Aug 2008

    I am so sorry for what has happened to you i can not realy give any advice as have not been in your shoes but to me if this happend i would have to walk away which i know would be hard but id always be thinking about it and worried. Plus if you never found out would she of kept doing it? as others have said she has been forced into telling you.

    In my opinion The most important thing for you now is to focus on yourself and kids.

    Once again so sorry for your pain.


    Caliente [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 18 Aug 2015

    powys - I am so very sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like to be cheated on by someone you love. Not much else to add except to second the vote for getting counselling. You have a huge decision to make, and none of us here can really tell you what to do. Even if this is the end of your marriage, counselling may help you more fully understand what happened and stop you carrying baggage into a future relationships.

    I wish you all the best. x

    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 224
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    i have had 2 wifes both cheatted on me and it still hurts !

    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 249
    • Joined: 3 Jul 2014

    Complete openess and honesty is the ONLY way things will work as a couple going forwards, in my opinion.

    Either she agrees she had a "moment of madness" and you can both put it behind you and get on with being happy together - with no lies, secrets or anything. OR, you both agree to have an open/poly relationship, therefore killing the need for affairs. In either case you both need TOTAL openess and honesty at all times, otherwise it's just going to cause more hurt.

    If you can't do either of those things, then perhaps it's time to talk about moving seperately. As hard as that choice can be. Easy for me to say, I know. Totally different living through it yourself.

    I wish you all the best.

    Sinner [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 5 Apr 2014


    It's very hard when someone you love cheats on you. However I feel that some of the comments you have received are a little judgemental. Only you know how life is in your home and whether or not you can forgive her.

    I think it's easy to get carried away with ideals of romance and sexual experimentation.

    My husband used to regularly see a group of friends who were all having affairs. They would get together and talk about how much fun they were having, how great and uninhibited these women were compared to their wives. How the sex was more fun and uncomplicated. He felt a bit left out and wanted to be "one of the lads", so, he decided he would see someone else too, and I would never find out because they always met up in another town. He started chatting to another woman in the pub and began taking her out for meals. After a while he started staying out overnight, saying he was staying on his friend's sofa because he'd had a drink and he couldn't drive home and his friend's wife was staying with her sick mother..

    I found out about this when he bought tickets for a concert, saying he was going with his friends then he kept changing his mind about who exactly was going. Eventually he said he was going with his friend and his wife and her sister. By this time I was getting a bit suspicious and phoned the wife and asked her about it. She told me she didnt have a sister, her mother wasn't sick, and that he had never spend any night on her sofa either.

    When he came home I was absolutely furious and demanded to know what was going on. He then admitted it all, but was adamant that he had never slept with this woman, that she refused because he was married and he had slept on HER sofa. Although I am a little sceptical about this, I forgave him and decided our marriage and child was worth fighting for.

    5 years on we are still together. We love each other just as much as before and I still allow him to go out with friends and even go on holiday with his friends (something he has always done) Although not the aforementioned friends....Who I will never speak to again, but I have to say that I still don't trust him 100% and never will again.

    I still check his phone and always will, although he always deletes almost all his messages from everyone because he is a bit OCD about that.

    Although I forgave him I will NEVER forget and sometimes I still feel a little bitter.

    I can't help feeling that your wife got a bit carried away too with the excitement and intrigue of this meeting and had convinced herself that you would never find out, and indeed she didn't want to hurt you at all. She was thoughtless and naive and probably very scared right now.

    So you see, I was in a very similar position to where you are right now and I stayed with him. It was the right decision for us and maybe it is for you.

    If you want your marriage to continue then I'm sure it can, if that's what you both want, you can be happy together again and life will be good. Infidelity doesn't necessarily have to be the end of a previously good relationship.

    I wish you luck in the future and hope you can eventually work things out amicably one way or another


    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi sinner. Sorry to here you have been through very much the same. You if anyone have a good idea how im feeling right now. As you say i think she got carried away with the moment. She did say some of her facebook friends were on the forces website and i guess if a lot of the conversation was about this then she probably felt she was missing out. I can only assume as the weeks went on and she was getting a few men contacting her and trying to woo her she got carried away. I guess as she got more involved the next step became to exchange her number to keep it going and then eventualy talk turned to meeting up. As you say i really dont think she ever thought she would get caught and that way i was not ment to get hurt.

    I am just so upset that her night of fun as caused me so much pain and will do for a long time. I manage to get to sleep but when i wake in the middle of the night it quickly hits me what has happened. For the first few seconds i hope it was a bad dream but then quickly realise it did happen, my stomach turns and then i can not get back to sleep.

    I have to admit she is doing a lot to try and save our marrige. First thing she did was change her number although this was probably so i did not see any more messages/calls. She has deleted her facebook account and cut all contact with her book friends that she met via writing erotica books. She said i can check her phone and ipad whenever i like although i still do not like doing this.

    If i will get through this with her i do not know, sometimes i think i can and then the next i get upset and jealous at the thought of her getting intamit with another man.
    I could get through the lies and secret calls etc. It is the part that she slept with him that is eating me up and knowing she dressed up for him, i feel that is she dressed for him then she must have wanted to show him a good time.

    I do wonder if why she never admited any part of this was to save herself or to stop me getting hurt. I think if there is one truth she could have saved me from was the dressing up part. Yes i wanted her to be honest in the end but hearing that was the twist of the knife.

    I have been cheated on many years ago and after several weeks i just walked out one day. I may not be doing this here though a i am confident my daughters will want to live with me. They are both teenagers so im sure it will be there decision. It was not just me that my wife had basicly ignored for the last nine months but also them. They ended up coming to me with everything as there mum was to busy playing on her phone etc, of an evening and weekends she would spend most of her time in our bedroom texting etc, and when i got home i would ask where is your mum and they would say she has been upstairs talking on her phone with the bedroom door shut. All this summer hols she did nothing with them/us, last year we did loads together and lots of days out.

    I will update if anything changes. Thank you for the help advice so far.

    paddy [sign in to see picture]
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    My heart goes out to ya, has she said why she did it in the first place, she says she won't ever do it again, whats change from why she did it in the first place, if its how much shes hurt you that will fade for her but not you, in my opinion she'll do it again unless the initial problems are sorted. Saying that if my wife did this to me I couldn't be with her, but I don't think you can really say unless you've been thru it.

    #Dana [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm sorry for you but also sorry if this comes across wrong.
    It's happened and now you both need to move on but keeping the children as priority.
    It happened once and personaly I would always be curious that I might happen again. This will only mess you up.
    All the best though.

    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    God I feel so bad for you, I honestly think the changes she's made has been to protect herself, so that you don't see any Facebook messages and so that you don't see any texts she may receive. From what you say about the last 9 months she's already left you and your daughters but has stayed under the same roof, she's let these men become more important than her own children. I don't think it's a case of feeling left out, I think it's that she is so into this erotica she wanted to do it, she's obviously had a few guys on the go, locking herself in her room makes me think she's been mastubating with them.

    I think you should put her on like a trial period, don't tell her, but say give her 3 months, see if she starts and maintains spending time as a family, and putting you and your children first, it'll help you keep your mind clear rather than constantly questioning whether you should leave set yourself a date that you'll make that descision and get on as you would do, dont try to force her to do things with you, just see if she wants to. If she still seems disinterested in family life maybe it's not just the cheating that's the problem

    pierre_s [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, sorry to read how you feel and what's happened. I wonder though if she's not feeling like a total sh*t herself for what she's done? If she's willing to make amends etc.
    You need to question the motivation behind what she's done. If its because she felt like there's something missing for her, maybe you can give her that once you know.
    If however she just wants to have sex with others then there's probably no point in continuing being married but stay good parents instead.
    Whatever happens I hope you find happiness.

    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Think you are definitly correct about her masturbating with them. When she went to birmingham the first she rang me up for phone sex. Unfortunantly she was sharing the room at that time with her face book friends and one of them walked back in just as we were getting going. I do know it was a female friend because i heard her talk to her. My wife just pretended she was having a lying down. It was quite random of her to suggest this. Wonder if it was guilt because she had been doing it with them.

    I am in an akward position now because i dont want to be off or abrupt with her as she will then no doubt begin to think of me as that type of person and then question was she right to do what she did all along. But but then i feel if i be totaly loving then it will make her think that that what she actualy did has benefited her as we are now closer than ever and it is like i did not get that hurt. Where do i find that balance? At the moment i am mixed feelings. I am being loving as i do love her but then i do be off with her when i struggle with what i know and the though of how she could do what she did.

    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    What i am scared of is that making lovecto my wife will never be the same again. She new how much i loved her dressing up in a white shirt, black skirt and stockings for bedroom fun. It was are thing and she shared that with someone else. I know how horny she also felt when dressed like this so i have the thoght of her also being very horny why dressed like this for him. She had since chucked them clothes and purchased new simmilar for us as she knows it was my first option for bedroom fun but i just dont think i will feel the same when it comes down to it. As you can imagine i am going to think is this how they did it. I have them feelings even without her dressing.

    Maybe this is not just about me but i need to think if i should let her go so she can find someone who does not think of her as a cheat. Someone who can remember and apreciate the wife i had before she joined the dating website and changed to someone i no longer knew. I do love her that i would also want her to be truly happy again. I worry i will never see her as my wife but one i had to share. I think if you truly love someone you dont risk your relationship for one night of lust. I think she needs to find her soul mate and by that i mean someone she truly loves and would not risk losing them for one night of lust. I thought i had fould my soul mate but i want to know i am genuinly loved and not easily replaced by another man.

    I did say to her that if he was good enough to sleep with then why not a relationship. She sat with him why they had a meal. She had time to think what she wanted and at that time it clearly was not me. She even told me she slept with him twice that night. If she had no regrets after the first sexual encounter then how can she love me?. She told me they had sex dressed up then she got changed into a vest top. They then sat talking for a while and then had sex again. Yes more than i needed to know but at least she was honest i supose.

    Would anyone else think she does love me or is she just feeling guilty or just use to me being there for her.
    I do wonder if she does not realy want me but does not want anyone else to want me as she knows i have only slept with her. She keeps saying if we do split then whoever gets me will be the luckiest person. I just can not figure out why i was never enough for her. I love her. I have a good sex drive so no problem keeping up with her. And not that i want to blow my own trumpet but i have a good size penis.

    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
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    I am sure it isn't about you, how adequate you are, or even if she loves you or not. Love doesn't mean sexually exclusive to everyone, though it is so rude to hook up with a monogamous person if unable to play that game. I hope you come through this bad time, with a positive development; whatever that may be.

    Moving forward, you know that she is a bad business partner. As you said before, your feelings get hurt no matter what, the question is will you make a bad business decision?

    It is a cold way to view the situation, but hearts don't make good decisions.

    Badcc67 [sign in to see picture]
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    Forgive. You will recover better in the end. If a first offence then take her back AND find out what is missing from your relationship that made her cheat. Let this be a fresh start for you both so that hopefully something good can come out of it. I hope it works out for you.


    [suspended user]

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    Perhaps a small break from each other? Some breathing space for you both, it sounds like you need to clear your head and try to come to a solution that could mend it or end it. I'm sorry if that sounds blunt, it wasn't meant to.

    Space then lots of talking without the children around would be helpful. I'm sorry once again that you're going through such a struggle!

    Thumper the Rabbit [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly I am so sorry to hear about your trouble. I am recently divorced and have gone through a similar situation. I also was going through a hard time and needed support (my father had died in tragic circumstances). Despite the fact that she was the one cheating and in the wrong she left me and I ended up having to rebuild the shambles of my life back in my home country. All the way along I thought she would come to her senses and realise, but she did not. I am definitely better off now than I was when I was with her and I am getting my life together again slowly but surely.

    The main difference is that we didnt have any children, and that is something worth fighting for. I dont claim to know your relationship or your situation, but if you two share legacy together then, you are right, that is what comes first in any decision. It seems that she was not thinking about them in her recent decisions and needs to atone for that. It is hurtful for this to happen to you, but maybe there is a way to learn and grow together as a couple. Or maybe it is a way of showing that ye are not as compatible as ye thought.

    I am sure you have a lot racing throught your mind right now so I hope I havent made it any cloudier. Whatever you decide, just make sure you have given it enough thought.

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