1. Temporarily Missing - My sex drive and self love (just a random rant)

    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 145
    • Joined: 20 Nov 2014

    I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post this, but I just feel like I needed to rant since keeping silent is making me feel like I'm going to implode and explode.

    My sex drive has recently plunged into an all time low and I think that it's mainly due to my deeply rooted self esteem issues. I'll spare you a long sob story, but in a nutshell, I've always been predisposed to chubbiness and tend to gain weight pretty easily. I've oscillated around UK 12 - 16 most of my life which doesn't sound so bad except that I come from an asian country where most ladies are around a UK 4 to a UK 8. I grew up being mocked and shamed, not just by strangers but by my own family as well. There's just something about little passing remarks like, "why are your thighs so big?" or "why don't you go on a diet?" or "if you would just work harder, you wouldn't be fat" or "sorry, we don't carry sizes that large in our shop" thrown your way as a child and then a teenager that really build up and eat away at your soul. I'd hear stories about husbands cheating on wives where people would all too often go, "it's no wonder he cheated on her. Look at how fat she is and what a gorgeous body his mistress has".

    It's this kind of soul crushing insinuations that build up over time and somehow, along the way, I started believing that only slim people were deserving of love and admiration and (oh God save me) even fidelity. Of course, I eventually learned that it was a whole load of bullcrap, but sometimes on my weakest days, that particular demon comes creeping back and I end up hating myself again.

    I did eventually start on a whole journey of self acceptance where I started to exercise because I wanted to. I discovered that I love belly dancing, salsa and zumba so I've incorporated those into my exercise regime. There is a plateau though, since I find it hard to give up my indulgences like chocolate, fries and other things completely. Plus, maybe it's genetics, but I've accepted that my current size is probably going to be my lifelong size. For a while, that was okay with me but I recently gained back some weight that I worked so hard at losing and all of a sudden, the demons were back.

    I'm lucky to have an amazing fiance who not only loves and accepts me for how I look, he considers it his mission to make me believe it. He knows about my insecurities, but I can tell that everytime I backslide and start with my whole body image obsession thing again, he gets really discouraged because he thinks he hasn't done enough to make me feel secure and loved. I hate that my own insecurities make him feel that way, but some scars go really deep. He works out regularly (as do I) and he has a really awesome body and sometimes, I feel like the world looks at us and wonders why someone like him would be attracted to someone like me.

    I'm beyond incensed that I've come this far only to fall back into that sorrowful pit of self loathing. Needless to say, this has taken a toll on my sex drive since I feel like some unattractive crone. We used to have sex at least twice a week, but now it's fallen to the odd blowjob and me making excuses all the time. I think he knows that something is up and he's giving me the space to work through it which I appreciate. But lately, I'm wondering if his lack of sexual appetite is also due to the fact that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I know that this is probably nuts, but I can't help but wonder what he sees in me physically. It's gotten me so down that I've stopped dressing up since I'm like, "what's the point anyway? I look horrible in everything I wear". Because of that, I look and feel horrible since my confidence and self-acceptance are just receding away, and all I'm left with is a pear-shaped body that I find so hard to love.

    I spent half my life hating myself for being fat and it sucks that I now hate myself for being weak and allowing empty and shallow idiots to have such an impact on me.

    If you're reading this, just, you know. Be kind to others. Choose your words a little more carefully. Take an extra moment to process before you speak. You have no idea the impact that your words can have on someone. One insensitive comment can be brushed off, but a lifetime filled with insensitive comments can leave such an indelible scar.

    I'm not sure what to do for now. I'm hoping that this is just another horrible phase, but any words of advice would really be great. Anyhow, thanks for listening though.

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