Reigniting the spark

Ive been with my wife for 15 years Married for 5. Of late she will not entertain sex. She just doesnt want affection. We have a young family and we just havent been able to pick up where we left off so to speak.

We have probably had sex a handful of time over the last year 18 month, when we do its great but its as if thats soon forgotten and the urge for her is never there.

Any advise

Why not try treating to sensual massage? or some treats like sharing bath with bath bombs. Work on focusing getting more intimate and making tome for yourselves thrn sex will come later

We are doing the reigniting the spark thing now .I have to say the pull of several children and a full time job leaves room for little else, but we're coming out of the other side of that as ours are a bit older now. Although making time and space and privacy for yourselves isn't always easy with children around. For me, feeling appreciated, feeling attractive and loved, a bit of kindness, kisses and cuddles in the day goes a long way as to how I feel at night. Try and make some time for each other to reignite the feelings and hopefully the rest will follow.

You know what that makes alot of sense - we're both very busy with work etc. making some time for us would be a start... rather than just trying to get my leg over.

She hates bath bombs though!! and our bath is to small for 2 ;)

Start at the beginning again as if you went out with her for the first time. Try to concetrate on chatting cuddling perhaps a romantic meal at home with the kids out at the grand parents. Thats what grandparents are there for, to pick up the slack .

Don't be in a hurry to get her clothes off . Take it slowly , Seduce her kiss her around the neck most women like that .Carress her in the right places with her clothes on and test for reaction . One thing could lead to another .Keep communication going compliment her all of the time. Watch a mucky movie together ( not porn) Nine and a half weeks is one of my favourites.

The key thing is communication check her body language but don't rush to get her into bed .

You could also book a weekend away together and do all of this in a hotel. In fact that would most likely increase your chances .

Good luck

When we started to reignite things, my o.h said " we don't have to go all the way yet if you're not ready" maybe talk about all being in love and wanting to feel closer. Just start off holding each other then a little kissing. Let the progress happen naturally, but show that you understand it may take a bit of time. When it happens, it will be worth the wait!

Looby-lou wrote:

When we started to reignite things, my o.h said " we don't have to go all the way yet if you're not ready" maybe talk about all being in love and wanting to feel closer. Just start off holding each other then a little kissing. Let the progress happen naturally, but show that you understand it may take a bit of time. When it happens, it will be worth the wait!

I agree which isn't vastly different to the point I was making. It will take time perhaps a few sessions like this just cuddling and perhaps light petting. Communication is the key either with what is said or body language. However don't make the first move be patient and let her . She may start unbuttoning your shirt for example or loosening your trousers , then you will know you will have the green light. What your going through isn't too dissimilar to my experience after we had our son. Taking it slow worked for us .

Personally I would remove the goal of sex altogether and focus on quality time with each other doing anything - even if its just cooking dinner together and using that time to talk.

Re-igniting the spark is often confused with how to 'get them in the mood'

Find common ground once again, as it seems you have both been pulled away from each other by focussing on famil y and children (which isnt at all a bad thing!)

Once you find time for each other, then I think you will find the spark will re-ignite itself in its own way.

Great advice - its nice to know there is probably light at the end of the tunnel. Looking forward to that now - I might email the link to lovehoney with a shopping voucher ;)

Firstly I need to arrange some baby sitters and a trip to the pictures.

She has only ever once initaited sex (really frustrating for me) so I will not hold may breath for that. Taking it slow, started again and not concentrating on just having sex again is the order of the day.

small world wrote:

Great advice - its nice to know there is probably light at the end of the tunnel. Looking forward to that now - I might email the link to lovehoney with a shopping voucher ;)

Firstly I need to arrange some baby sitters and a trip to the pictures.

She has only ever once initaited sex (really frustrating for me) so I will not hold may breath for that. Taking it slow, started again and not concentrating on just having sex again is the order of the day.

Its a pitty you have missed Fifty Shades of Grey at the pictures. I think it would have been ideal .

Let her make the choice of film though . Before you go into the cinema why not have a coffee together.

I think the crux of your problem is that you need some "us time" .

Take it real slow and see what happens .

I've been married 20 years and we are together longer than that... Two kids that are now grown.

Yeah, kids and jobs and life sometimes gets in the way and sex life can wax and wain. We had a very dry spell recently because I had some health issues and was dealing with empty nest and change in career.

Let me just suggest something that is a little different than maybe other advice you'll get here.

VITAMINS. Oh my god they have made so much a difference in my sex drive. Women specifically can be deficient in several vitamins that drastically effect libido. I never new this. I started taking a high quality liquid multivitamin because I recently had gallbladder surgery and read malnutrition can be common afterwards. The difference in my level of horniness has been monumental. Huge. Like I'm 25 again... And it wasn't even the goal. It wasn't even in my radar screen as a reason to take it.

Mostly OH and I have had an amazing sex life and mostly dry spells over the years came from my end... I know it's a variety of reasons... But I will never laugh at the idea of vitamins and supplements again! I think again and stress effect men and women differently, talking is key and friendship most important. But there's no downside to trying a good quality vitamin and you never know :) ...

A year ago I would have laughed at this idea. Now? We just had a vacation weekend and sex 12 times in 3 days... Not bad for two people about to be first time grandparents! (Mid 40s and early 50s)

Great advise guys thanks - We had a nice friday afternoon in the park (early dart from work) with the kids mind but relaxing and enjoyable time together, made sure Mrs had loads of attention as well. nice coffe and ice cream nice few hours.

planned a baby sitter for a friday night coming up as well

when we where going to bed that I made sure we went at the same time. I just cuddled up and mentioned I was hard thinking of a fantasy of hers. PJ bottoms off in a shot and soaking wet, best night sleep Ive had in ages after that.

Need more now though - I'm away for 4 days with work should I text her more details or tell her im masterbating thinking of her / her fantasy - etc

Cheers

small world wrote:

Great advise guys thanks - We had a nice friday afternoon in the park (early dart from work) with the kids mind but relaxing and enjoyable time together, made sure Mrs had loads of attention as well. nice coffe and ice cream nice few hours.

planned a baby sitter for a friday night coming up as well

when we where going to bed that I made sure we went at the same time. I just cuddled up and mentioned I was hard thinking of a fantasy of hers. PJ bottoms off in a shot and soaking wet, best night sleep Ive had in ages after that.

Need more now though - I'm away for 4 days with work should I text her more details or tell her im masterbating thinking of her / her fantasy - etc

Cheers

I am not sure if I would tell her that I was masturbating though. Obviously you know your lady better than me. In my relationship its something we don't talk about .Perhaps thats a gliche in my relationship !

If it was me I would send her pictures of sexy lingerie. Most women adore lingerie and I have never met a woman who doesn't nor a bloke who wouldn't want to see his lady wearing such things. Perhaps you could send her pictures say from Love honey site saying how much you would like to see her wearing this outfit. Just be careful on tastes though. Make sure its something your Mrs would like. and perhaps you could even buy it for her and get it delivered before your return .Don't forget also flowers . Why not send her some whilst you are away and say how much you are missing her.

Just keep thinking about the R word ( Romance) and you can't go far wrong . I am sure it will strengthen your relationship as well. Sex will normally follow without fail. I can almost guarantee it!

Good luck mate .

She definitely needs spoiling. Romance is key. And making it clear that kissing, cuddling and touching doesn't have to lead to sex every time will help. Taking something off the menu makes it more appealing. Good luck!

That's brilliant to hear @small world :)