1. Initiating sex: who, how, and when?

    Mab [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello all,

    I was wondering, who tends to initiate in your relationship?

    For me, confidence is a major issue. I am not a great communicator, and find all I can do is literally ask for sex. I used to do what I thought was pretty average - lots of kissing, climbing on top, usual stuff. However, that got a bit repititive but it for me its my only option. So I stopped and now I do just ask for sex, rather bluntly. Which for my partner, is not particularly sexy. My partner requires a lot of build up and lot of time (i.e. know earlier in the day) that I would like to have sex in the evening. However, I find asking for sex later at 2PM in the afternoon sounds like nagging.

    I am very close to being a nagging girlfriend, which I do not want to be. I know that he is a particularly visual guy - but I am just not the type to make the grand entrance with stockings and babydolls. Much as I love to do that, it takes a lot of self-motivating and planning. I am more of an old t-shirt and pants kinda person, and I find it incredibly sexy on other girls so I guess I never considered how another person might find me sexy.

    I understand that my libido is higher than his, which is fair but I would still like to find a path that turns us both on, without me nagging him or feeling like I have to pretend to be Beyonce to get his attention. He is a little older than me and has done all his experimenting - but that is the phase I am still in. This means the bedside table is stuffed with all things BDSM and basic exploratory stuff that rarely sees the light of day because I do not know how to mention that I want to use it without sounding like some moany child who doesn't get to play with their new toys until after Christmas dinner.

    So I am asking you, oh lovely community, how you guys go about initiating sex and advancing in trying new things? Especially if there's confidence issues and different preferences.

    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi :)

    If my oh decides we're having sex then he just says where, when and how he wants me to be ready, or he just pounces - literally ! I do exactly as I'm told, there is no other option and I wouldn't dare to disobey .

    If, however, I want to initiate it,

    I creep up behing him, put my arms around his hips and start rubbing his cock through his clothes.

    If he's sitting down, I crawl across the floor and undo his flies and start rubbing and sucking.

    If I want to play with somethings from the bedside drawer - I get them out and put them on the bed, it really is that simple !

    It has taken me a while to feel confident enough but after a few times of being very self conscious I can now appear wearing sexy lingerie and the result is worth the effort.

    Does he like a sexy text or maybe send him a sexy pic asking/telling him what you'd like him to do to you ?

    Hope some of this maybe of some use xx

    likebunnies [sign in to see picture]
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    Terri had some great suggestions.

    Something I wanted to add... even if you don't feel like a lingerie person, something as simple as a sheer white t-shirt can be super sexy. This morning I got in the shower wearing one so it got dripping wet and then took a picture and sent it to my husband at work. He was about to explode. :D

    Little White Butterfly [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm currently in the position where the initiation between myself and my OH is fairly mutual/even, although I know that he loves it when I initiate things unexpectedly.
    I have been in the position durin prior relationship where I was always in control and it got pretty boring, if I wanted anything then I just used to begin by kissing/touching but I never got that much out of it as I felt I was the only one interested.

    I lack a lot of self confidence and am still a little uncomfortable with my OH seeing me completely naked and feel a little silly dressing up, but have found that the more self confident I pretend to be, the better I feel about myself.

    The previous replies have some great suggestions! To me you sound a little like you think that you wanting sex is almost a burden for your partner, I highly doubt that he feels this way. Maybe if you want to start things slowly try asking him what he wants when you let him know that you want sex or giving him some hints as to what you have in mind? If you like to be submissive maybe tell him what you want him to do to you or vice versa?

    If babydolls aren't your thing, you could buy some nice underwear and wear it under your tshirt, i'm sure it will be a nice suprise for your OH! I would maybe try to be a bit more spontaneous again even if it means you have to spend a bit more time on your OH to get him going.

    I hope some of that helps, best of luck!

    Mab [sign in to see picture]
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    Definitely something I could work on. I think I would like to talk more to him about it, but it seems that I get a bit worked up and we end up upsetting each other. Time shall tell, and really - any excuse to buy more underwear is a good excuse.

    Little White Butterfly [sign in to see picture]
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    Are you and your OH very open about things?

    I've been in relationships at both ends of that scale and honestly the more open you can be about things the easier it is to come to an amicable solution, afterall it's always beneficial to know how eachother feels!

    Make sure you know what he likes and play to that maybe? Does he ever initiate things, or is that always down to you?

    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
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    I just have to kiss n touch my bf in a certain way n he'll know what I want, or ive previously just said to him ive got something to show you, I pull my trousers down and show him some sexy undies send him crazy then he usually grabs me x

    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    Colonel mustard in the ballroom with the rope ;)

    Mab [sign in to see picture]
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    I always was a fan of colonel mustard...and the rope.

    I am very open with him, I can barely stop myself from telling him what I get him for birthdays etc! That is possibly part of the problem - I am a bit blunt. And he does not like to be told what to do. It is a tricky one. So far the best I can manage is letting him know that I am available and hope that the stars align and we get to have sex.

    He does initiate but we have far less sex than I would like. I'd love to come to a compromise but we just haven't found it yet. I've pretty much given up initiating sex - which, unsurprisingly, hurts him. It's an odd cycle. I'd like to find out a way that I can initiate sex, both average cuddly lovely sex and the more adventurous sessions. Asking him to do stuff comes across as me telling him what to do...which he doesn't like. I think I need a degree in communication and body language to be able to work this one out!

    Little White Butterfly [sign in to see picture]
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    Understanding body language definitely sounds like a good one, guys are just as confusing as girls! It's just great that you're open, God knows the conversations I have with my current OH wouldn't have gotten me anywhere with my previous partner and I've learnt the hard way that some guys don't like blunt!

    Maybe by asking him what he likes or what he would like to do to you is a way of avoiding "telling him" what to do. I always feel really silly at first when doing this with my OH and to be honest it took a while to get "sensible" responses from him i.e. him to take the questions seriously but sometimes even if it doesn't result in sex he likes to know I'm thinking about him in that way.

    If you want to try something more adventurous maybe drop hints, like telling him "i really love it when you ..." or "I can't stop thinking about the last time we did ...!" that way you're not directly asking for something but he knows you like it and would like him to do it again

    This is turning into an essay now, sorry. It's hard to give advice when you don't really know someone and it is a tough one, I know it doesn't work for everyone and it would take me a while to get used to but have you considered "scheduling" sex into your diary? I know some people who reccomend it and that way you've planned it in advance so he has time to build up and you know it's scheduled to happen? It's perhaps a compromise at least and if the days have been mutually agreed upon before hand you shouldn't feel like you're nagging etc.

    Honestly though, I would try spontaneous initiation, I don't know any guys that would turn that down!


    [suspended user]

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    I am not a great fan of alcoholic drinks but perhaps just having one or two before you want sex can help to hide some of your inhibitions. I don't think many ladies on here would make a grand entrance in stockings or babydolls. However as someone suggested why not wear something nice under neath instead of perhaps your usual day to day cotton passion killers .Why not try the old and tested art of cuddling and kissing and perhaps seduction . Perhaps watching an erotic thriller on DVD . When some of the erotic scenes come up why not say something like. "Can we not try that?".

    Me and my OH often watch erotic thrillers together and every now and again she will slip her hand down my shirt and gently rub my chest or rub my crotch area and generally start teasing . Then she will stop and probably get up for a drink of which I will give her a crack on her backside . She will probably start the treasing again later.You can do plenty of things like this still fully clothed . What I am trying to say is its all about chemistry and both parties knowing what the other likes but this side of a realtionship will take time and trial and error. So why not start now and give it a go you have nothing to lose .

    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    having the initiatie all the time can be a drag on your self esteeem as well, so maybe if he understands that it would help to calmly discuss it.

    Here are few ways to mix it up:

    I agree 100% with likebunnies, don't wear lingiere you feel uncomfortable in... instead focus on what makes you feel sexy that is also visually appealing. Frankly those thing ribbed tank tops (some people call them a term with wife in them I hate) tight with no bra and panties can be super sexy.

    Can you role play with him where he is in charge? That might help him feel like he is the one planning and he may be more engaged.

    Tease him throughout the day, sexy pics via text, a note in his pocket or car, or hell if you have to schedule a "sex date".

    Finally, something I did last year that I have absolutly loved was taking professional boudoir / semi nudes photos. They are all prints in a book that I will take out and lay on the bed for him to look at while I bath or shower so he knows what I want after and that way he has the visual of me all in lingiere and made up on a normal day without having to put it all on everytime.

    Littlestars [sign in to see picture]
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    Having come out of a relationship (14yrs) where I tended to get my attempts rejected, fast forward a year in singldom finding myself solo and gaining masses of confidence to go with it.

    my current lover and I have meet ups (child free dates in bed) today I arrived to find him waving to me naked from the window so straight into sex, to a few arse slaps, or even plunging myself onto him with kisses whilst unfastening his belt to give him a blow job which progressed to some amazing sex. We seem to spend several hours taking turns to get the ball rolling, it's certainly something I'm more comfortable now than when I was younger.

    our dates only happen about once or twice a week, between that we will exchange very wankworthy or solo worthy sexts I spend just as much of our time apart wet and horny away from him as I do with him. The build up is amazing though by the time we are actually together we can't keep our hands off each other and the sex that follows is wow.

    Littlestars [sign in to see picture]
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    I should add I often wear a dress with no undies when I get him from work, last weekend we masturbated each other all the way home, huge but pleasurable distraction whilst driving. Mmm

    popk1n [sign in to see picture]
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    Tends to be him initiating but it only takes one look or one touch or rub and and then i become the proper initiator - he releases my mini sexual monster with just a small passive action eg one tap on the bum :) then i do my 'i want sex' face accidentally lol, which is apparently very distinct XD
    it can happen in public, over text or at home. In public it tends to be in the way he speaks when i can tell eg "do you fancy going on a walk" coincidentally to the place where we've done bad things before...

    Mab [sign in to see picture]
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    Geez, littlestars I think you might be my spirit animal.

    I think that both of us are kind of unsettled in our seperate lives, both feeling a little stuck career wise. Maybe once that has lifted will return to our intense ways like the first few months of our relationship. I sure hope so! Planning going to the gym together soon, and I know that watching him work out is going to be the death of me if I don't get to jump him in the car afterwords.

    Littlestars [sign in to see picture]
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    Lol mab, my long relationship went through cycles of intensity especially when we were trying for babies.

    But if one of you isn't interested or rejecting the other it does create tension, uncertainty and affects your labido.

    Right now I feel like a teenager again, I never dreamt I would ever enjoy sex as much as I am now. Thankfully we are both pretty hot for it.

    one thing I do thing has happened though is I've relaxed a lot more about sex since I was sterilised last year, the pregnancy risk gone has unleashed my inner animal.

    kev&millie [sign in to see picture]
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    If I initiate sex, ( the wife ) I creep up behind my hubby and put my hands up his top and around his waist, starting groping and touching his penis and balls. Grab and smack his ass.

    I also come and sit beside him on the sofa and my hands start wondering ' I swear they have a mind of their own' 😉

    dh [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm in the early stages of a relationship at the moment so one of us asking "is it bedtime yet?" is all it takes (usually about 7pm as soon as her kids are in bed)
    But after 6, mostly unhappy, years of marriage I can sympathise. My advances were always knocked back but then I'd get "you don't try anymore" thrown in my face. For most of those years the only way I could initiate sex was with 2 or 3 bottles of prosecco, which obviously isn't the sign of a happy relationship. Anyway, rant over...
    Sone great suggestions above though; how about surprising him with a cheeky flash of a tie-side thong (or crotchless if that's your kind of thing) under your usual old t-shirt?
    Or maybe send him a few cryptic picture messages of toys you want to use that night or places around the house you want to have sex?

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