Not being physically attracted to your partner

It's great that you're starting to try and find a solution to your conflict :) as long as you keep communication open with your partner, I'm sure it'll work out fine :) of course, discuss possible consequences of this eg you may discover a part of yourself meaning you outgrow your partner, or alternately it may make your bond and understanding of each other even stronger. Whatever happens enjoy the journey and I hope you learn a lot about yourself and ultimately solve any confusion or at least reach a point where you feel content :)

Thanks for those positive thoughts, Popk1n :) Because it's something that's been bothering me for a long time, I think it may take a while to find exactly the right solution, but I do think that changing the way I'm thinking about it is the first step towards being happier. I'm trying to see it as an exciting opportunity to find out new things about myself rather than it invalidating all of the experiences I've had up til this point, and so far that's at least making it so that I don't feel like crying all the time and that's a start ;) x

You can be attracted to someone's personality and not be physically for sure, but these sites like lovehoney can help matters, i have been invloved prior to marriage in a relationship where we both werent physically attracted to each other but got on so well otherwise but it ended because of the lack of sexual relations, but sex isnt all it's cracked up to be either, you can work on sexual relationship with someone to a degree but if theres no spark there when you look at each other or kiss at least then it will not go anywhere. using sexy clothing or toys may help a little as long as both agree, but one bit of advice i can give, if you hide sex toys from your partner.....why? There has to be doubt if you do

My OH is amazing caring gentle not judgemental understanding and supportive, but to look at him he is 6'6" tall and 25stone in weight, so a big chap, he is almost bald and has a hernia on his stomach.

The later comments do not change tha former ones and to me hi is amazing.

love is the thing that decides what you see in a person. You don't chose to see the good in a person you just don't see the person the same way everyone else does.

Just as a bit of an update to this thread, I went the strip-club route for some female attention and it's been a bit of an odd experience. Partly I love it, partly it kills my self-esteem seeing so many surgically altered naked bodies, so I guess I'm a bit of a stereotypical girl with that.

I've been 2 weeks in a row now, so think will have to give it a bit of a rest, especially since I've spent most of the time between the weekends crying uncontrollably, partly because of the self-esteem frustration, but also a lot because I've never felt about my partner the way I feel having some random stripper on my lap, even if I'm not even particularly into them.

I guess it's just confirmed beyond any doubt that I feel very differently about women, and that's kind of killed our sex life for the moment. Remembering how it feels to be close to a female body makes me not want anything else.

I think it's all sent me a bit mad really. I feel so differently about everything, and it makes all the life between seeing naked women feel extremely dull and unfulfilling. I'm hoping it's a phase and I'll settle down again, but it's all really quite distressing for me at the moment. I'm totally obsessed and probably spending far too much money, but it feels like the only time in my life I've ever been close to having what I want.

I myself am straight but I totally feel you on the insecurites lol. The female form is beautiful and then you look at youtself and are like "nope" even though I am almost certain you are gorgeous... that profile pic is an 11/10 haha :)

To feel that strongly about it though... I think your heart truly does lie with females. How is your partner feeling? Is he helping you out? X

ps thanks for the update :)

sistahunny wrote:

Skitty, I sort of feel there is a lot more that you are finding difficult in your relationship at the moment and that you have just mentioned the easiest one to explain

Is there anything particular that makes you think this? Maybe being too close to the situation means that I can't see it, so any thoughts are very welcome.

popk1n wrote:

I myself am straight but I totally feel you on the insecurites lol. The female form is beautiful and then you look at youtself and are like "nope" even though I am almost certain you are gorgeous... that profile pic is an 11/10 haha :)

To feel that strongly about it though... I think your heart truly does lie with females. How is your partner feeling? Is he helping you out? X

ps thanks for the update :)

Aww, thanks for what you said about the pic, that's really sweet of you.

My partner is lovely and very understanding about it mostly but he does find it frustrating that I'm having trouble with my self-esteem because of all this, since he's always telling me how great I am and whatnot ;) I think he also doesn't really get how strongly I feel about women, and how important it is to me - not through lack of trying or anything, but because I think it's kind of a hard thing to empathise with. I don't even fully understand how I feel, so it must be impossible for him. But yeah, he's extremely supportive and also very permissive about whatever I want to do with girls so long as I'm still with him and love him. He's even said he's fine with me having a girlfriend if I need that, but I can't imagine how that would ever work. I still don't think we could not be together, but I definitely feel like I'm missing something from being in a relationship with a man, and I'm not even sure that it's just a sexual thing any more so that makes things even more complicated.

Thanks for asking about it Popk1n, it's really helped to try explaining it to someone. I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about this other than my partner and he's obviously a bit too involved in the situation sometimes to be able to reason things out with :)

Its probably hard for him because at one point you must have been vaguely attracted to him or he thought you were at least. He may think youre kind of bisexual and not realise how strongly women are your thing thats dominating your thoughts and urges.

I feel over time you may outgrow him or you two may change too much. Not to put a dampner on things oops. I admire that you are both suggesting everything you can to fufill both parties but I get the feeling your true fufillment may be in a monogamus relationship with a female.

How long have you been with your current partner? And how many more years could you see with him to be happy? :)

I know your situation and feelimgs are hard and complicated.... just dont get stuck in a rut and make sure you need AND want each other x

I think you're really right about how it must be for him having my sexual desires change. We got together when I was 18, so 7 years ago now, but we've been friends since we were 13. I'd never really done anything with anyone when we got together - I'd kissed friends during games and that was about it, so it was very exciting to be in my first relationship, and everything was exciting and butterflysie because it was all new to me.

Up until really recently I'd always thought that my partner and I were very sexually compatible, despite my feelings about women. We generally like the same things, and our sub/dom dynamic really helped things along, but now I see it as all a bit silly and like it's an elaborate way of trying to get around my lack of sexual interest in men.

I've never realistically considered breaking up beyond the fleeting idea of 'what would that be like...'. I've really always thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives, whether we were happy together or not, but I've always thought that we'd continue being as happy as we've always been together. We're so strongly linked I'm not sure we could break up. I don't think he'd let it happen even if I thought it was what I wanted.

After getting with my partner, I never really considered being in an actual relationship with a woman. With having no experience with women at all, I have no idea whether it's something that I'd actually realistically want, especially since I imagine strippers aren't giving me a particularly representative view of being in the company of women, hehe. I'm sure that when I imagine it I'm only thinking of all the good things that I'd like, but it does give me a feeling that I don't get from the idea of a relationship with a man.

I don't really know how to work out whether it's something I want. It all makes me feel kind of shallow since I love my partner's personality, so I'd be giving up a relationship with someone that I love to be with a hypothetical person of the right gender that I happen to find attractive. Maybe that's over-simplifying things, but it all feels kind of impossible since I have no way of knowing if it's what I want, and I have so much with my partner that it would be mad to try to break things off for such a hypothetical sort of situation. We've been together so long and I can't imagine living separate lives. At the moment because I'm so confused about my feelings, I end up thinking about practical stuff like our house and pets and the fact that I've never been on my own, but emotionally I do think I'd be lost without him.

If someone had said even a few months ago the thing about me and him changing too much to be together, I would have thought they were being ridiculous and told them that we're the most perfect couple for each other that ever lived, that we were soulmates... I don't know whether it's temporary, but I feel less like that can be true. I don't feel as though there can be another person more perfect for me than him, but at the same time I know that there's something not right about it, that makes me feel like our relationship is different from other romantic relationships. But then sometimes I wonder why I can be making such a fuss about it - we get along, we enjoy spending time together, we really do love each other, our sex life has always been good up until my recent feelings, and I try to think that gender doesn't really matter.

it's hard for me to understand how I can have strong feelings for him and feel like I also need something different, and I think it's making me behave in a way that isn't good for me or my partner as I think I'm witholding affection to try to make everything easier to understand and be less contradictory.

Sorry, massive post, just thinking it all through again :)

sistahunny wrote:

Sorry Skitty, I wrote my reply to your opening note, I have just read the whole thread through now, and I really feel for you and how confusing this all is, you got together with your guy so young, in a way before you even knew yourself, perhaps all you were meant to be was best friends, sometimes I think we are all evolving all the time including sexually, there are people here giving you much better advice then I ever could, but please be patient with your self and give your self time

Thanks for explaining and also for your kind and thoughtful words :) I really appreciate it x

I feel awful for you, I went through a similar struggle when trying to figure out what gender I was it's like, you know you're not what you thought you were but have no idea what you are, I kept reading through loads of definitions trying to figure out which box I fitted into. The answer is: none. I refer to myself as bigender, but I'm a mix of bigender, agender and gender fluid.

I think you're putting too much emphasis on what you box you fit into. I think you should take a step back and stop thinking about WHY you feel a certain way, what does it mean. And if you feel something do it. If you're happy with your OH stay with him, sex is not the be all and end all. But if your relationship doesn't feel right you ask to take a break for a couple of weeks and see if you can find yourself without concerning his input.

I think you would benefit from an open relationship and being able to flirt with and even have a relationship with another woman. I know how you feel about thinking you should be with your OH forever, I feel the exact same with my OH, but despite being attracted to women., I don't feel drawn to them, I don't feel I'm missing anything, the thrill of women to me is that I'd love to Have one with my OH. but I think you are missing out and if your OH agrees you should explore relationships with women, and don't just stay with your OH because it'd feel weird to be without him, but don't leave because you're not attracted to him

What I'm trying to say is: don't worry about trying to label yourself or making any decisions. Focus on just following what feels right to you naturally without worrying about the bigger picture, follow your impulses for a while

Thanks for that advice, Y&F - I think you're really very right :) It really helps talking with someone who's had a similar if a bit different experience so knows the sort of confusion that happens with stuff like this!

I think I should make it my aim to do what feels right to me, and try to be a bit more impulsive, like you suggested. I'm a very controlled person who finds it extremely difficult to let my guard down, always worrying about what people think, and it makes me very shy in social situations. I don't usually drink at all so did my first strip club visits totally sober, but have started drinking a bit just to try and not be so incredibly rigid and mental when meeting women I find attractive ;) So I guess I just have to try to get that more relaxed attitude as part of my normal everyday life, and have a bit more confidence.

I feel a lot more free thinking that monogamy might not be the right path for me, but that it doesn't mean everything has to change with my partner. I think I'd find it tricky if nothing ever changed, but at least this way with the idea that eventually I may have a female partner makes me a bit more able to be ok with not having that now, because at least maybe it's not forever.