Sub or Dom?

Liquidsugar wrote:

I would also suggest if you're getting into BDSM that although books are good, you'll find talking to people with experience will give you better information. Something like Fetlife will be a good channel for this.

That's also a great idea, I'll be looking up Fetlife! Thank you Liquidsugar :)

A good genreral overview of BDSM is a book called

"As Kinky as you want to be " by Shanna Germain. This is available from Love Honey .

The only down side of the book is that it is very Americanised with it being a US book .

The other books I will post the titles tomorrow ( at work at the moment) but are specific for spanking .These I did get from Lovehoney but sadley I think LH are cutting back on sex guides which is a shame .

I've added that book to my wish list, it looked good and had good reviews.

Yeah I noticed that there's hardly any sex guides on LH! It's mostly all erotic stories, which is a shame. Perhaps I'll mention it on the pander thread :)

The spanking specific books are as follows. I fouind the titles by "googling" them . You will need to get them from elsewhere though as LH no longer stock them .

The Complete Spanker by Lady Green - A good intro to spanking

Consensual Spanking by Jules Markham - IMO this is a must . Text a little dry at times but covers things like erotic spanking, sensual spanking ,disciplinariin spanking. For Role Players this is a must has it devotes quite a lot of pages for this. . It also covers the science in detail as well and best positions . It also cover using implements very well such as paddles riding crops canes etc.

If your OH has similar psyche to me as he sounds a little apprehensive about spanking you then get him to read the chapter on erotic spanking . I am sure he will enjoy giving it as you will enjoy receiving it . This was the way I got used to spanking my OH as part of our normal fore play.You can possibly guess I was the slightly reluctant party in our relationship. As a bit of humour if you watched the film the Secretary then the part were she places her BFs hand on her bottom then he moved it away then  that was similar to me and my Mrs. It was a big step but glad we took it . This book really helped me :)

Hi we play D/s at playtime but not lifestyle.... we used to switch in the sessions with me D first tgen change to s.. but for the past three months oh has becime an exceptional D (ever since I joined lh actually) that I don't want to be anything but a sub now and we both are sticking to the change as hes so good and it makes me so bad xx

Yes same here Lustyjoy.My Mrs got obsessed with the idea of being spanked . She even resorted to dropping crockery on the floor on purpose so she could be punished. At this point we had to talk and set boundaries. I did not want a disciplinarian lifestyle with my Mrs probably in the same way you didn't want a BDSM lifestyle .

We decided that any spanking activities would be limited to forepaly ( erotic) and to role play . It appears to work for us so far. Since then we have also introduced restraining in the role plays as well but that is as far as that will go with the exception of her being tied to the bed occasionally .

As regards the leather fettish thing its a no go for me although I wouldn't object if the Mrs bought a leather corset .

I don't think I would want to live a BDSM lifestyle, although I am generally submissive as a person. My partner tries to encourage me to be more assertive and have more input in decisions, but I find it so hard!

However, if am able to make a decision I like being able to do so, and that's where I'd struggle in a 24/7 Dom/sub situation. My partner is far too considerate to ever be a full time Dom anyway, he wouldn't have the heart to boss me around except for in the bedroom. That suits me just fine though

I am a dominant person in the real world but find it fun to hand over control in the bedroom. I think that is a common phenomenon.

AsYouWish! wrote:

I am a dominant person in the real world but find it fun to hand over control in the bedroom. I think that is a common phenomenon.

Yeap thats what works for us as we have jobs but in a masculine environment so the submissiin brings out the needy feminine side which is so unrealistic fir me in everyday world.

Boogaloo wrote:

I don't think I would want to live a BDSM lifestyle, although I am generally submissive as a person. My partner tries to encourage me to be more assertive and have more input in decisions, but I find it so hard!

However, if am able to make a decision I like being able to do so, and that's where I'd struggle in a 24/7 Dom/sub situation. My partner is far too considerate to ever be a full time Dom anyway, he wouldn't have the heart to boss me around except for in the bedroom. That suits me just fine though

I love the leather and pvc and all sorts if restraints and ways to discipline my fav being wax.... but it its all sex and fuckery although if I want my fav we may lead up to this during the day (discretly due to kids) and as I need to soooo goid to get a choice otherwise he chooses.. either way its always a win

Probably a wise decsiion there just keeping it to the bedroom. It stops then becoming an obession. I appreciate there are those that prefer tha BDSM lifestyle or a domestic displinarian contract and whatever floats their boat. I think if we hadn't have talked about it in our case when it did become an obsession then it could have had a negative impact on our relationship. I also couln't afford to keep buying new dinner sets every week ! :)

My only concern Boogaloo in your case is that your OH appears to be slightly reluctant as I were. So coax him along slowly and don't shove a load of BDSM/spanking books under his nose in one go. You may scare him a little .Also before using any implements make sure he is comforatble using his hand first and slowly get him used to the idea of spanking you on the bed before going over his knee. Another words take small steps at a time and don't rush.

Good luck!

mysteron wrote:

My only concern Boogaloo in your case is that your OH appears to be slightly reluctant as I were. So coax him along slowly and don't shove a load of BDSM/spanking books under his nose in one go. You may scare him a little .Also before using any implements make sure he is comforatble using his hand first and slowly get him used to the idea of spanking you on the bed before going over his knee. Another words take small steps at a time and don't rush.

Good luck!

Ah perhaps I've given the wrong impression, my OH isn't at all reluctant when it comes to BDSM as long as it's part of foreplay/sex, and not something that carries into every day life. We've been experimenting for a while now and he's always loved spanking me with his hands, so we feel this is a natural progression for us. I of course do understand what you're saying, and I won't get carried away just yet! ;)

You could always be cheeky and start testing like I did to introduce the idea as u need to review...and go from there... thats ultimately what chaned us from switching to permanent D/s roles

lustyjoy wrote:

You could always be cheeky and start testing like I did to introduce the idea as u need to review...and go from there... thats ultimately what chaned us from switching to permanent D/s roles

That's a good idea!

Just messaged him now to say I'm thinking about our latest BDSM session and how great it was - his response is that it was amazing and made him seriously horny so he'd definitely like to keep exploring. Yippeee

I used to switch but I'm now 100% submissive.

Regarding hitty stuffs, we have the Bettie Page crop which we love but lately it takes a back seat and my OHs hand is used more. He enjoys making his hand go numb and I enjoy the force! Generally, his nails digging in follow and I frigging love that. I also love when he uses the cane on top of my reddened ass!

We also have lots of paddles... I have yet to try a silicone one but it's on my to buy list.

Enjoy x :)

LittleSwitchBitch wrote:

I used to switch but I'm now 100% submissive.

Regarding hitty stuffs, we have the Bettie Page crop which we love but lately it takes a back seat and my OHs hand is used more. He enjoys making his hand go numb and I enjoy the force! Generally, his nails digging in follow and I frigging love that. I also love when he uses the cane on top of my reddened ass!

We also have lots of paddles... I have yet to try a silicone one but it's on my to buy list.

Enjoy x :)

My partner loves digging his nails into my bum and scratching me, it feels great too!

I'll let you know when my review is up for the silicone one, the other reviews look promising though :)

I spent three years as the sub in a relationship with my girlfriend who was a Domme and my owner. I guess I normally identify as a sub but I like to top in that I'll tie someone down and pleasure them until they climax a couple of times. I did this quite a bit with my Mistress.

There's a big discussion of Dom/sub and top/bottom but I'll not get into that :)

bunual wrote:

There's a big discussion of Dom/sub and top/bottom but I'll not get into that :)

You're welcome to get into it if you like - I'm interested to learn about these things :)

I love tying my partner up and being on top, but I don't like being a Domme in the sense that I don't get a rush out of spanking him or bossing him around etc, although I love it when he does those things to me. If he wanted to be spanked etc. I'd do it though!

Boogaloo wrote:

You're welcome to get into it if you like - I'm interested to learn about these things :)

This is my interpretation and other people's may differ but...

For me, all four terms refer to who has control. I see a top/bottom as who has the physical control at that time whereas a Dom(me)/sub relates to the mental control. If someone has surrendered mental control to another it makes them the sub and the other the Dom(me). The activity and their part in it is not important in so much as it may be stopped at any time by the Dom(me) saying so.

Physical control is easier to see. This is the person holding the flogger; straddling the other person or tying someone up. What is happening is in their hands at that moment. How the rope lies; how hard they hit or how they ride the other person is in their control. Top/bottom is likely to be more fluid than Dom(me)/sub because it can change simply by handing a flogger to the other party. The mental control does not often get passed with it.

The abuse of position is also related to whether a person is a top or a Dom(me). The latter will most likely be a mental abuse whereas the former will be a physical abuse. Note I said more likely, it is entirely possible for a sub to mentally abuse a Dom(me).

A few examples may help demonstrate what I mean:

- Mary is riding Paul during sex but Paul is choosing the pace and position. Mary is topping because physically she can go faster and slower. Paul is in the role of Dom because he is instructing Mary on what to do. If Mary didn't do what she was told, it could be an abuse of position and trust.

- Mark and Luke like to inflict pain and receive it so they will flog each other until the other person says stop. This has a top (the flogger) and a bottom (the floggee) but no Dom/sub because neither has given up mental control of the session.

- Ruby love it when Gina ties her up and lets her have free rein but within strict boundaries and Ruby decides when it's enough. This is your typical Dom bottoming to a sub where Gina is choosing what to do but Ruby has defined the boundaries and defines the length of the session

- Gary enjoys a caning from Pippa. She will cane him but Gary will complain if it's too hard or too soft. Pippa may portray herself as a toppy Domme but if she does what Gary is saying, he is in controlling the caning and she slips into the role of the sub. This is commonly known as "topping from the bottom" which is frowned upon by a sizable portion of the BDSM community.

Boogaloo wrote:

LittleSwitchBitch wrote:

I used to switch but I'm now 100% submissive.

Regarding hitty stuffs, we have the Bettie Page crop which we love but lately it takes a back seat and my OHs hand is used more. He enjoys making his hand go numb and I enjoy the force! Generally, his nails digging in follow and I frigging love that. I also love when he uses the cane on top of my reddened ass!

We also have lots of paddles... I have yet to try a silicone one but it's on my to buy list.

Enjoy x :)

My partner loves digging his nails into my bum and scratching me, it feels great too!

I'll let you know when my review is up for the silicone one, the other reviews look promising though :)

Do hun... I love the look of ALL the tantus paddles 😍😍