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  1. When is a cheat not a cheat?

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Well in my book it is really to you and your partner to determine what works for you. Fiery I am glad you found something that works for you and bless you for feeling good again.

    Cheating happens for all types of reasons and understanding the circumsatnces of that incident is important.

    In my book some people are chronic cheaters becasue they are love or sex addicts who need to constant rush of something new.

    Other incidents may be a refelction of a moment in time. Only you and that person know. I have been cheated on, have forgiven and moved forward with that partner. But it took a toll on my self esteem and a long time to rebuild trust. Nothing in life is perfect and it takes a lot fo work to sustain a LTR.

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    MrBIG69 wrote:

    hi all i need help i have been with my oh now for 4 and half years. i moved in with her and her parents 3 and half years ago we have been getting on with each other though thick and thin stuff like 3 years ago me and my oh lost a unborn babe due to complications a very stressfull time and ive been there every step of the way and then all of a sudden last week she told me she had slept with another person. she had to tell me she cheated on me otherwise her mum was going to tell me she says its only the once but im not to sure now as i thought i known her but now its like i dont know her anymoor i need help my head is so messed up because id never ever would of thought she would let alone could do this to me. i just need advice really to help me clear my head abit and im sorry to put all this on this fourm its the only one i could find about cheating unless it was the man what was cheating as i would never even think about cheating on her i didnt want to put on there so i thought this one would do many thanks for reading this. reguards Harri AKA Mrbig69

    It all depends on your relationship, me and OH have always said once is too many, especially as she didn't even want to tell you but was blackmailed by her mum. It's so hard to advise in these situations as its so easy as an outsider to say leave but only you know whether she has killed your relationship

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Here is another perspective, there is a part of me that wishes I never knew what my partner did because it was a one-time isolated incident. It was during a really tough time for him and just a real perfect storm of other issues that spell disaster for a relationship. It was more hurtful knowing but he was able to let go to guilt and tell me.

    If she didn't want to tell you it was because she did not want to hurt you in many ways. I understand where her mum is coming from because if she knows she does not want to feel caught in the middle hiding a lie if ya'll stay together long term. I always was that person who said if I was cheated on I would show him the door, but ya know what I was able to forgive and move forward with life.

    I have a close friend who had an arrangmeent similar to Fiery describes above and years ago I would have judged the crap out of that, but now I understand and wish others peace and hapiness.

    So never say never until never slaps you in the face. I have had close friends who were mad I stayed, well it wasn't thier decision. Your close buds will be mad at her on your behalf so be careful who you tell if you are not sure where the relationship is going because you do not need that BS hanging out there with lots of people long term.

    Whatever you do this is about your relationship. So if you need to, seek out a neutral person as a counselor if you need a mediator to help sort through the hurt and anger.

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    Secretty [sign in to see picture]
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    MrBIG69 wrote:

    hi all i need help i have been with my oh now for 4 and half years. i moved in with her and her parents 3 and half years ago we have been getting on with each other though thick and thin stuff like 3 years ago me and my oh lost a unborn babe due to complications a very stressfull time and ive been there every step of the way and then all of a sudden last week she told me she had slept with another person. she had to tell me she cheated on me otherwise her mum was going to tell me she says its only the once but im not to sure now as i thought i known her but now its like i dont know her anymoor i need help my head is so messed up because id never ever would of thought she would let alone could do this to me. i just need advice really to help me clear my head abit and im sorry to put all this on this fourm its the only one i could find about cheating unless it was the man what was cheating as i would never even think about cheating on her i didnt want to put on there so i thought this one would do many thanks for reading this. reguards Harri AKA Mrbig69

    I'm going to be brutally honest, I would end it. I have always told my OH that if she ever cheated on me, the relationship would be over. In the end, her reason for doing it is unimportant. She could have come and talked to you about it, cleared the air a bit. Reached out to you for help. But she didn't. So yeah, that would spell the end of the relationship for me. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear, but this is a subject that's very important to me.

    That's my opinion though. As people have said, it's hard to give much advice as an outsider. You need to ask yourself whether you can keep going knowing what she did. If you stay in the relationship you're probably going to be more paranoid which will put more strain on the relationship. You both need to work out whether you can deal with the added pressure.

    On topic:

    I would want to know and it would definitely make me more paranoid.

    I don't really agree with all the people saying "the past is the past" (sorry). Sure, you shouldn't dwell on it and let it ruin a relationship, but at the same time the past is a very important part of your life. You have to remember the mistakes of your past and learn from them. If you just ignore it, then you havent really learnt anything.

    If my OH had cheated in the past but just ignored it and didn't tell me, I would feel more like she thought it wasn't a big deal, when it would be to me if that makes sense. Commitment is a really big deal to me. I need to trust my partner more than anyone else in the world as I'm quite a paranoid and possessive person naturally and I've had some...iffy relationships in the past.

    I would want to be told and I would expect my partner to make more of an effort to put my mind at rest. I can accept that mistakes happen, but they would need to convince me that it wont happen again.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Secretty - you have a solid perspective but none of us have walked a mile in someone else's shoes and the "past can be in the past" especially if someone admits to their mistakes, works to restore trust and learns from them.

    If a new partner told me about past cheating in another relationship I would take that as a solid step that they knew it was wrong and are not hiding something from me.

    BTW Thank god for forgiveness because I have made mistakes in my past releationships (not specific to "cheating") but their are other mistakes that are damaging as well.

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    dh [sign in to see picture]
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    My current girlfriend admitted to me that she has cheated a few times in the past; but I still trust her 100% as I know what shits her exes are. The last one used to tell her that sex every night was a bit of a chore. I know I'll never say that!

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    +1

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Being cheated on sucks and loyalty/honesty is all I ask for in a relationship. I couldn't be with someone who cheated on me again. It made me a jealous paranoid person and I couldn't put myself through trying to forgive someone again. Each to their own though.

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    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes a cheat is a cheat, it's wrong. However if your partner hasn't cheated on you then I would let it destroy a good relationship especially if they have had the courage to come clean about their past.

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    Lovethekink [sign in to see picture]
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    My husband was in a relationship that wasn't working, they hadn't been together very long and he had told her it wasnt working but she didn't want to accept it. We ended up getting together one night for a catch up and one thing led to another, he broke up with her properly the next day though. (she knew me, and was also aware he was my ex when she got with him and that we have a history of getting together when he was based at home - I struggled with the long distance thing) I know he would never cheat on me and likewise I would never on him, we have a fantastic little family and he worships the ground I walk on, he always points out how lucky he is to have a chance with me again and regrets how it started this time as he never wanted me to think that he would do that to me

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    john69 wrote:

    When I met my wife I told her about my past, many years of cheating. I wanted to be totally honest to her instead of letting her find out later. I know she appreciated my honesty, but it also worried her. For some years she was jealous, and checking up what I was doing. But by time she has become more safe, she knows I wouldn't risk our relation for a stupid one night stand. Today we trust each other totally and I believe that it was the right thing to openly tell about the past.

    An interesting thread. I think the past should be left in the past with previous partners. Like john69 has said, telling the person you're with now can only lead to jealousy and doubt. That can't be healthy can it?

    We can't control the future so we need to enjoy the now so why look back.

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    MrBIG69 wrote:

    hi all i need help i have been with my oh now for 4 and half years. i moved in with her and her parents 3 and half years ago we have been getting on with each other though thick and thin stuff like 3 years ago me and my oh lost a unborn babe due to complications a very stressfull time and ive been there every step of the way and then all of a sudden last week she told me she had slept with another person. she had to tell me she cheated on me otherwise her mum was going to tell me she says its only the once but im not to sure now as i thought i known her but now its like i dont know her anymoor i need help my head is so messed up because id never ever would of thought she would let alone could do this to me. i just need advice really to help me clear my head abit and im sorry to put all this on this fourm its the only one i could find about cheating unless it was the man what was cheating as i would never even think about cheating on her i didnt want to put on there so i thought this one would do many thanks for reading this. reguards Harri AKA Mrbig69

    Finding out that the person you're with now cheated on a previous partner is one thing but I'm sorry, if I found out my OH had cheated even once then it would be over between us. Vice versa too no doubt. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I saw my own sister go through it and that had a different result to what I thought would happen. He took her back and they've been together happily married for a further 20 odd yrs. I don't think I could.

    If you make a commitment to someone in a relationship then that should be that. If you can't talk about what's going on in your head and they think things are going off the boil with your relationship, then leave!

    I've done some naughty things on facebook with someone because at that time I wasn't getting the attention from my hub and we both felt we were falling apart after 29 yrs of marriage, so it became a distraction for meand a nice one.. But I never slept with him, I never touched him, we never even kissed. But to actually cheat in that respect it would be over.

    We're all human and do make mistakes, I'm not saying we don't and yes we all have different views. I'd like to add, that I'm sorry this has happened to you

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    fantasia fairy [sign in to see picture]
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    powys wrote:

    If you found out a few months into your relationship that your partner had a history of cheating on there previous partner, would it affect your relationship and how you feel about them?, Lets say for example they were with there previous partner for several years and they had cheated at least twice. Would you say past is past, or would it change how you now feel about your partner now knowing what they did.

    Would you rather know the truth that that your partner had cheated on an ex partner or would you rather you never found out?. Is it better to know the truth?

    I would rather know to be honest than for it to come out much later...

    Personally that would affect my relationship alot, i would be more cautious. Ive been cheated on before and its not nice at all.

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    WildThing [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm afraid I have no tolerance of cheating..... ever.

    I never have, nor would I ever cheat on a person, in any way shape or form. I think the comments above, especially referencing the honesty, integrity and compassion that should flow through a relationship are spot on.... One should treat their companion, how they would want to be treated themselves and that applies to cheating too. I would be devastated to discover my OH had been disloyal and I would never ever wish to inflict such hurt on another person too, least of all one that I love.

    Sadly, I feel more and more people think it is acceptable to be an unfaithful partner, however, there ar still a few of us loyal knights out there, who think chivalry is not dead.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    WildThing wrote:

    Sadly, I feel more and more people think it is acceptable to be an unfaithful partner, however, there ar still a few of us loyal knights out there, who think chivalry is not dead.

    With respect I dont share that perception . There are many couples in very long term relationships and many to be found on here.

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    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel regardless of your previously lifestyle choices and bad decisions, it doesn’t mean you haven’t learned or grown since. I know many lads who have been completely unfaithful to partners, wives etc and it was a moment of opportunity for some which absolutely ruined their lives.
    Most are now a lot more grown up and even the most prolific cheats have become completely stable and loyal men/women which is great to see. Whether that’s down to the lifestyle they lead or other significant changes such as a partner they are genuinely in love with or now having kids or just growing up, it’s hard to tell. But I feel the “once a cheat, always a cheat” is an awful saying. Obviously some people have been damaged in the past or genuinely have no morals and are so selfish they choose to hurt good people by cheating but it’s rare to find someone genuinely happy willing to cheat on a partner.

    Also I feel no matter how loyal, honest and morally correct you are, at some point everyone has looked at someone else in a certain way and wanted to see if the grass is greener, even for a split second and that’s normal due to human nature. People seem to forget that we are just animals deep down, marriage and faithfulness etc is an ideology created by us the same as all the other laws and rules. It doesn’t make you any better or worse regardless of what you have done in the past or present. Just be good and be nice to people, I can’t stand cheating in any sense as it’s been done to me multiple times but I don’t see them people who did it as “bad” people. I understand they were probably bored or saw an opportunity and in that moment it proved things were meant to be and saved me from plenty of heartache and the other person wondering if the grass is greener.


    So in short, cheating is a horrible and messy thing but people do change and if your considering cheating then save everyone the stress and heartache and walk away from your current partner before you do so.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    LIL_KNOWN69 wrote:

    I feel regardless of your previously lifestyle choices and bad decisions, it doesn’t mean you haven’t learned or grown since. I know many lads who have been completely unfaithful to partners, wives etc and it was a moment of opportunity for some which absolutely ruined their lives.
    Most are now a lot more grown up and even the most prolific cheats have become completely stable and loyal men/women which is great to see. Whether that’s down to the lifestyle they lead or other significant changes such as a partner they are genuinely in love with or now having kids or just growing up, it’s hard to tell. But I feel the “once a cheat, always a cheat” is an awful saying. Obviously some people have been damaged in the past or genuinely have no morals and are so selfish they choose to hurt good people by cheating but it’s rare to find someone genuinely happy willing to cheat on a partner.

    Also I feel no matter how loyal, honest and morally correct you are, at some point everyone has looked at someone else in a certain way and wanted to see if the grass is greener, even for a split second and that’s normal due to human nature. People seem to forget that we are just animals deep down, marriage and faithfulness etc is an ideology created by us the same as all the other laws and rules. It doesn’t make you any better or worse regardless of what you have done in the past or present. Just be good and be nice to people, I can’t stand cheating in any sense as it’s been done to me multiple times but I don’t see them people who did it as “bad” people. I understand they were probably bored or saw an opportunity and in that moment it proved things were meant to be and saved me from plenty of heartache and the other person wondering if the grass is greener.


    So in short, cheating is a horrible and messy thing but people do change and if your considering cheating then save everyone the stress and heartache and walk away from your current partner before you do so.

    i kind of agree with that. I think your right about looking at another person. You can pay them a compliment and in some cases if your careful( really careful) even flirt with them to a degree. It doesnt necessarily mean that you want to take it any further and as long as that is made perfectly clear, then there should be no problem. I think my partner of longstanding would be most naive if I didnt occasionally look at other people as there are a lot of beautiful people around of both genders and trans genders.Like you say its just human nature .A case in point just look at all the women look at a hunky fireman if he walked past . My Mrs went weak at the knees once when once asked if she knew where the nearest water hydrant was. It doesnt mean she wanted to go to bed with him .

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    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think degrees of cheating depend on each person and relationship, some relationships are fine with some flirty banter without any issues, others blow up into a complete argument by you looking at someone in a supermarket. The best thing is communication and understanding your partner. Even if you were in a very open and happy relationship before the next relationship will have different rules and guindlines and this doesn’t mean the person is overprotective or doing anything wrong unless it’s mentally affecting you and your general well-being. But everyone is different and that’s one thing we all need to respect and come to terms with, personally I don’t look at the average person on the street in my current relationship as I’m totally smitten with my partner, but in previous relationships I would as I just never felt happy or satisfied and wondered what life would be like. It was all pretty innocent but i respect my current partner wishes and the restrictions are completely different, what I defines as cheating is anything you wouldn’t tell your partner about, what my partner defines as cheating is a little more complex and I respect her and go by this rule.

    But I do believe at some point in all our lives we have mentally “cheated” on a partner or friend even if it was innocent.

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    Peakcouple [sign in to see picture]
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    In answer to the original question, absolutey not. Very early on, we both admitted we'd had affairs when married to our exes, neither of us had been able to be conventionally faithful and it seemed likely that would happen again if we started a serious relationship, which we both wanted. That is why we decided to start swinging. There's now no need for cheating, with all the stress that brings. It works very well for us..

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