Can a guy you are cheating with fall for you?

Hi all,

l was reading both DLS posts and I empathise. A bad relationship can be terrible and eats away at you on a daily basis. On a different viewpoint I do not believe an affair means that your relationship must end or that you are neccessarily a bad person. Sometimes it can conversely provide the spark that can help you to make changes in your life. All those who are on their moral high horse should walk in your shoes first. I do not support or advocate affairs but it can be difficult facing rejection from your partner on a daily basis. Sometimes the human contact, affirmation and fulfilment is what is needed. Pls don't write off your marriage without at least talking earnestly with one another- ideally with some professional help. There are also some helpful relationship books that can aid you in expressing yourselves and reaching a resolution.

From a personal viewpoint, you have to assess your partners character when telling him and determine if he is mature enough to see the role he played in getting to that situation. I could personally forgive a single affair as this may be a lapse of judgement, cry for help/ validation etc but not serial affairs as that shows gross disrespect. I see ththat you have gained the confidence to take some decisive steps in you life.

I hope it goes well for all 3 of you.

As is often the case with these type of threads the information supplied is limited and as a consequence it is difficult to make an objective comment.

All I will add is that in my experience it takes a while for someone to stabalise/ grieve after a relationship has ended or is heading that way.

Whilst there will always be exceptions, may people need time to sort out their emotions and re assess their needs/ priorities around future relationships before moving on.

Badcc67 wrote:

Hi all,

l was reading both DLS posts and I empathise. A bad relationship can be terrible and eats away at you on a daily basis. On a different viewpoint I do not believe an affair means that your relationship must end or that you are neccessarily a bad person. Sometimes it can conversely provide the spark that can help you to make changes in your life. All those who are on their moral high horse should walk in your shoes first. I do not support or advocate affairs but it can be difficult facing rejection from your partner on a daily basis. Sometimes the human contact, affirmation and fulfilment is what is needed. Pls don't write off your marriage without at least talking earnestly with one another- ideally with some professional help. There are also some helpful relationship books that can aid you in expressing yourselves and reaching a resolution.

From a personal viewpoint, you have to assess your partners character when telling him and determine if he is mature enough to see the role he played in getting to that situation. I could personally forgive a single affair as this may be a lapse of judgement, cry for help/ validation etc but not serial affairs as that shows gross disrespect. I see ththat you have gained the confidence to take some decisive steps in you life.

I hope it goes well for all 3 of you.

Nope, playing the 'everyone else is a snob who has no clue' card doesn't work. I've been in two seperate relationships where I got NO physical contact or even emotional support for years. Did I cheat? No. Did I have the oppertunity? Yes, I did. I had male friends who gave me all the things I wasn't getting from my partners emotionally and even physically in terms of a cuddle when I was crying etc, but I did not fall into the trap of sleeping with them just because I could. That would only have made things worse, as it seems to do for most people. I even ended up with one of those men, and we agree that if we had slept together before I ended my previous relationship then he would have little faith in me as he'd just worry that anytime we weren't getting on 100% I'd be off sleeping with another man rather than seeking support from him.

Seeking human contact does NOT equal having sex with another person. You can gain affection and affirmation from another human without sleeping with them. Plus in terms of horniness and not being physically fulfilled, well that is why we have sex toys in the world. You don't need another human to get off in this day and age.

The people on here who have an opinion on cheating being wrong generally have had prior experience that leads them to that conclusion, not just an abstract set of morals that they judge people by. Have you actually been cheated on? It's very VERY hard to truely forgive someone for it, no matter the excuses they give. If you've managed to do that, I commend you. I never could. A cry for help could be telling your partner something is wrong, not sleeping with someone behind their back then telling them something is wrong. A lapse in judgment is when you let your buddy kiss you, not when you let everything else that can follow happen. Once you have had the pain of being cheated on, it is very hard to forgive other people who cheat too as you know firsthand the pain that they are causing someone else. You become resentful that cheating people exist as it reminds you you could be cheated on again, by anyone, and you'll never know until it all blows up. And yes, you get incidents like this thread where people speak perhaps too harshly to people they do not know just because cheating is involved.

Having an affair means the relationship is in some way not working, simple. If it was working issues would be talked about, not be the catalyst for some bad decisions that lead to the same conversations happeneing anyway only with the added hurt that you cheated. I personally don't hold much faith in a relationship recovering afterwards as it takes a lot of messed up things to get to that point and sometimes walking away is the only thing that will release both partners from the pain. It's not even the affair that breaks the relationship, but whatever prompted the affair in the first place.

I don't know OP, I don't know what is happening in their life, I don't know what they really want and I don't judge them for any of their posts thus far. I don't know how their relationship will pan out, I only hope it is painless for everyone involved. The above is not aimed at them or intended as a dig at them, though I hope it is understood why people get on the defensive when these topics come up. Quite simply I'm not comfortable with having people be labelled as 'on their moral high horse' when they express valid points of view that they have good reason to believe in.

Excellent post, Lovebirds. I agree completely.

^ +1 to Lovebirds post.

I know that there is a lot more to these things but here is a part of my previous relationship in black and white. I was cheated on by my ex, one of the girls that he cheated on me with is now his wife... I am still 'emotionally damaged' four years later with no sign of improving any time soon and I have had and continue to have profesional help. I do not have anything to do with him and I do not have any loving feelings towards him but what happened totally messed me up and it has a huge effect on my life and my current relationship. In cheating, the damage has been done and may have a huge inpact on their future while you float through life.

(The above was my experience and I am not personally attacking anyone, I am aware that all situations are different, I am simply stating one of my personal experiences to open eyes to a possible effect of cheating)

+1 to lovebird.

my experience is that my ex cheated on his wife with me, just a kiss and fondling then he left her and we started a relationship, my opinion was that it's not my relationship to be loyal to so I'm not in the wrong. We started as friends and it just grew more and more. He then met a girl on a night out and they became friends in the same group, then he started sleeping with her and ignoring me as much as he could, then he left me, but I was in love and continued to sleep with him while he was with her, my opinion was that 1. He kept telling me he loved me and that although the situation wasn't right for us he would always want me, and 2. She did the same to me. It took me a long time to get over it and realise that he is an arrogant whore and I was a stupid nerdy girl who fell for a "cool guy" and thought he felt the same.

even though I know my OH adores me and he would never do anything to hurt me, I'm constantly paranoid if he goes out with his friends when I'm not home to see what time he gets home, he has a 4am home time, everytime he's on the phone I feel the need to look/listen, I feel like every woman flirts with him because they done respect our relationship (how I didn't respect exes wife's) this is my punishment, but my OH has to suffer it too, how is that fair?

Yes he can fall for you, hes human even if for you its just sex like the cliche you can't help who you fall in love with. I guess that everyone involved will eventually end up heart broken, the FB because if he has fallen for you in the misguided belief there may be a chance of sometime actually being "with you" then it will break him when realises that mistake. You because if your OH finds out likely it could end your relationship and your OH because again ot will break him when he realises you were "having your cake and eating it" (so to speak) But nobody fully knows what goes on behind closed doors and only the people involved can decide what to do. So you need to talk to the men in your life and decide what happens going forward.... Good luck I hope you end up Happy however that comes about.