Concerns about porn.... Advice nedeed

Hoping that you lovely lot can help me......

Been in this relationship for about 10 months now, he's a wonderful guy and I do adore him. No idea what prompted me to look at the internet history on his phone and i really wish now that i hadn't looked, ignorance is bliss and all that....

Found some porn on his history, its taken me few days to figure out why I feel really uneasy about it as it was all teen porn mostly about fisting, but, there was animal stuff on there too....

Really confused how I should feel about it all, because as far as I knew he's not into porn at all or fisting and that kind of stuff.... Had it have been regular porn, think that I may have made a joke about it and suggested watching it together!!

So I'm wondering if i should say something or just keep quiet.... HELP PLEASE !!!! Thanks in advance xx

It's his phone. How do you know he wasn't looking up stuff as a joke with his mates?

You go snooping, you have to deal with the consequences. Namely your mind wondering all sorts. He hasn't done anything wrong so yes, you keep quiet unless you want to own up to and deal with the fact that you broke his privacy. You can't attack him over his porn preferences when you are in the wrong for looking through his phone more than he ever will be for looking at porn.

Any mention of this WILL turn into an issue with you looking through his private history, not an issue of what kind of porn he watches. Even if he doesn't say it, he'll be thinking it. When you say 'as far as I knew he's not into porn at all', well I'm sure he would have told you had you had a conversation about it rather than going through his phone.

So yes, you keep quiet and forget about it or you own up and admit you were in the wrong but you know about it now. And DON'T turn it into a game of having him explain exactly why he watches fisting or animals or whatever else, he doesn't need to explain himself. Honestly, I think you'd be better just letting him have his private life stay private!

I think there needs to be a certain amount of taboo with porn. It's not in the least a slight on anyone if any of us are looking at people who don't necessarily look just like our partners. If I have a penchant for redheads in porn, for example, it doesn't mean that I secretly wish my wife had red hair, just that something different is a little naughty and this more thrilling.

I wouldn't be too concerned about the teens or the fisting - providing they're from 'reputable', if you want to use that word, sites and they are over 18. I really don't know about the animal stuff. The questionable morality aside, it's illegal and could potentially get him into trouble.

The problem with porn is it's self-fulfilling and easy to get into but more difficult to get out of. I'd let him know exactly what you're happy with him viewing and what you think he should be avoiding. It might be that getting caught is just the wake-up call he needs to step away from the more dangerous stuff.

It's a tricky one, anyway. Good luck with it.

You were being nosy and you put your foot into it.

I wouldn't even mention this, as it hows a lack of trust on your part.

I have no idea why I looked in the first place as I've never done it before, we've both said that neither has got any issues with either looking at each other's phones and we both have the same pin code.... Properly kicking myself for looking to be completely honest as I had no reason to distrust him and that's the kicker.... Not sure what to think or what to do, Ive got no qualms about admitting to looking at in the first place.... Proper can of worms, not sure if I say something or leave well be.... Not going to look at it again that's for sure, was ridicoulsly tempted to look again yesterday and thought better of it as I'm only upsetting myself! Thanks for the advise.... Curiosity sure killed the cat!

I agree that you shouldn't have looked but it's too late for that now. Maybe ask yourself why you looked? But as for what you can do about the porn, I'd bring it up without mentioning to him that you saw his history if it's bothering you. Just a simple conversation about what porn he's into (making no mention of what you saw) and you can see what he tells you there. He probably won't mention the animals (which I'm guessing is what's really bothering you) but confronting him about that will result in him being defensive and simply getting mad about your snooping. Talking to him in a more general way about porn might be a way of discussing some of your worries though without bringing up what you did.

Also as a side note, what you're into pornwise might not be what you're into in the bedroom. It took me a while to realise that what turned me on in porn wasn't what I actually wanted to experience myself

Alas that's very true indeed.... Thanks guys x

Dont worry to much he could be curious, could be messing around. Most if not all men have looked at porn in all sorts of various forms but it doesnt really represent what they are into, ive seen a lot but not much really puts me in the mood.

Perhaps you could suggest watching porn together?

genuinely the only thing that would bother me is the animals as i really wouldn't feel safe with him around animals, just like if it was chid porn. i have a rather rough taste in porn though, something i'd never act out or would find acceptable in real life, porn doesn't dictate what someone will do but i'd still be unnerved, i'd have to ask what he'd searched it for. sorry theres no real advice, just do what you feel is best, if you cant get it off your mind its best to just say it there could be an innocent explaination, only you'll be able to gauge his reaction

I can't understand the problem, really. If you both have the confidence to be in each other's phones, then there's nothing wrong in checking the history. My OH checks my mails and I check his for practical reasons, and as we share really everything, neither of us considers going to the history as a trust issue. But I guess that depends on the relationship you have.

Regarding porn, I guess most people watches it. When I was younger I felt it was degrading but now I realise there are lots of different types of porn. I don't mind at all to watch a Marc Dorcel movie, for example, whereas national productions are too cringy for me. Maybe you don't like now and never will, but it's not immoral for him to watch it, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't like you or anything, it's just natural. Sex is everywhere - movies, series, telly, etc. - mostly very light or erotic only, but even in popular music there's lots of references and pretty much everyone has sex - like Bill Hicks said, "Guess what? We're here - someone's been f*****g". And so, this thought of porn as something out of the devil's work ends up being pretty hypocritical, even though I don't think that all of us must like it - I think we just shouldn't be as judgemental of that. There are way worse things in the world that nobody cares about with as much passion as they do speeches against porn.

As someone said earlier, he probably looked up the animal stuff as a joke, or out of curiosity. It doesn't mean he is into it. I know most people are saying that you should just leave it, but in your place I would talk to him, say that I looked up his browsing history and what I found, and then ask him what he likes or doesn't like. Not in a condemning way, just as a normal topic. But that will depend on your trust level. If he doesn't trust you, he will probably be upset you looked up the history. But if you are going to be worried, I would just be honest and talk to him. But it's up to you.

(I would probably just be very worried if he was looking up child porn - now that's a red light.)

Thanks guys.... Had it have been child porn I think I would've contacted the police straight away!

I agree with Ame that I don't see an issue with checking his phone - it would only be an invasion of privacy if he actually considered his phone private, but he clearly doesn't if he shares his password with you.

I understand why the animal porn concerns you. It would concern me too, as it's plain abuse. Even if someone I was dating looked at it as a laugh with their friends, that would concern me, as I just don't see what's funny about it. If it's preying on your mind and you want to discuss it, I would just ask him outright, casually, without any kind of accusation to it.

Its k for guys to watch porn, dont mean yur sex life is bad or he wants something you do not. Come on porn is so easily available.

Partner watches it, I watch it. :)

SensualFire wrote:

Its k for guys to watch porn, dont mean yur sex life is bad or he wants something you do not. Come on porn is so easily available.

Partner watches it, I watch it. :)

The OP did say that if it was mainstream porn, she would probably have joked about watching it together. She doesn't have an issue with her partner watching porn, it was the type of porn he was watching that concerns her.

Was it one animal video, or more than one? There is the possibility he stumbled on it by accident, when you randomly click from one link to another and he didn't intentionally click on it, there's no saying he even watched it once he realised what it was, but it would still be in the history. If i personally saw something like that on my partners phone, it would eat away at me and i'd have to bring it up. I'd admit to looking at the history out of curiosity, probably admit to my own insecurities about myself being the reason and it wasn't that he was acting suspicious or untrustworthy, but i noticed a certain video/list of videos and i can't understand his reason to watch them. It is almost certain he'll get defensive, and you need to be prepared for the possibility that it wasn't an accident, a laugh, or morbid curiosity of how is that even physically possible, but that he does infact find it sexually arousing. He will be embarrassed whatever his reason for watching it, and probably aware that it may change your view of him and what you think of him, so even if it is was a harmless reason it may affect your relationship. Ultimately it comes down to can you live with the not knowing, and the things you're inevitably going to be thinking and questioning if he is really who you thought he was. Personally, i'd want to know, and couldn't bury my head in the sand over it, no matter how good the relationship was or how much i loved someone something like that would be a deal breaker.

As for the teen stuff, unless it is amateur porn then it is all strictly regulated and the actresses will all be adults, it may simply be the innocence, inexperience or even reminders of his own youth and early sexual encounters that draw him to "teen porn". The fisting might be as simple as it fascinates him, or is a fetish/fantasy he doesn't feel he can share with you for some reason. As previously said, a porn preference doesn't mean a real life se preference, I'm not attracted to women yet when i experimented with porn it was just female masturbation, female female, or male male, i often found male female cringeworthy and unrealistic so steered clear, yet im completely straight and have no intention of ever touching or bering touched by a woman or watching or wanting my partner with another man either.

It was a very quick glance at it all, he was actually sat on the sofa with me at the time, there were a couple of references to dogs which kind of freaked me out, but, that could've been accidental ( seen nasty stuff on FB involving young women & dogs, there was a quite a few a year or so ago, my nephew had commented how disgusting it was and it ended up on my newsfeed! ) and then a whole heap of teen / fisting things, which appeared to originate from a porn site....... Like I said earlier I have no real issues with porn at all and have watched stuff that I found intruiging, but, would never introduce into my sex life!! I needed to get some feedback on the issue and can hardly bring the conversation up with friends etc, had a feeling that this would be the right environment for that....

Thinking I may bring up the subject of porn with him and then gauge his reaction.... Thanks a million for all of the advise guys :-)

Lovebirds_x wrote:

It's his phone. How do you know he wasn't looking up stuff as a joke with his mates?

You go snooping, you have to deal with the consequences. Namely your mind wondering all sorts. He hasn't done anything wrong so yes, you keep quiet unless you want to own up to and deal with the fact that you broke his privacy. You can't attack him over his porn preferences when you are in the wrong for looking through his phone more than he ever will be for looking at porn.

Any mention of this WILL turn into an issue with you looking through his private history, not an issue of what kind of porn he watches. Even if he doesn't say it, he'll be thinking it. When you say 'as far as I knew he's not into porn at all', well I'm sure he would have told you had you had a conversation about it rather than going through his phone.

So yes, you keep quiet and forget about it or you own up and admit you were in the wrong but you know about it now. And DON'T turn it into a game of having him explain exactly why he watches fisting or animals or whatever else, he doesn't need to explain himself. Honestly, I think you'd be better just letting him have his private life stay private!

All of this really, lovebirds hit the nail on the head in my opinion

My wife and I regularly watch Porn together we have found that it can be fun addition to our foreplay as long as the action on the screen is comfortable for us both to view as everyone has different turn ons and tastes.

I'm not suggesting that you become a Porn addict yourself but watching a little together could lead to fun for you both and lessen his need to do it so much in private.

However don't worry I don't think I know of a male friend or female one who doesn't view some porn. The only thing that would cause me any concern is the animal porn.

I think all this focussing on looking at the history uninvited is shooting the messenger. Yeah, that's a violation of trust but is it as bad as watching people abuse animals?

I suppose it is possible that a group of guys look at animal porn together for a laugh, but it's pretty unlikely.

Someone asked a good question earlier: are there multiple links to this, or just one? Is it over a space of time, or just one day?

I had a quick glance, it all appeared to be on the one day, although once I saw it I didn't go any further back, there were a couple of references to dogs, with that and the fisting I'd seen enough ( way too much obviously ) and came out..... Seriously regret looking now, but, I did so I've got to deal with what to do next, thinking of just casually mentioning generalised porn and see where that conversation leads!!