Dilema

Ok here goes...My gorgeous wife has went off sex completely, she's more or less working constantly and never has the time, even on weekends, I understand but I'm so horny it's not true, she's given me the green light to have sex with someone if I want, as long as it's just sex!! I love my wife very much but I really need to have sex. Should I do this or not??

No, no you shouldn't. I don't know your wife, obviously, but any women I know who have done the 'oh just go have sex with another woman' it's actually been a bit of a test to find out if you actually will betray them just for the sake of sex. They don't WANT you to, but they feel you will anyway as they aren't giving it to you and generally they are fishing for a response along the lines of 'honey I'd never cheat on you, I'm happy to wait'. She most likely feels hugely inadequate and sleeping with another woman will prove that to her in her mind.

Just sort yourself out. It's far easier than the emotional fallout when your wife is distraught that you actually did go and sleep with another woman just because you aren't getting it regularly with her.

No, just because someone says it's ok doesn't mean it really is, if she feels like her working too much is making you need sex so much you'd leave her, she'd let you have sex with other people just to stop you leaving her.

is sex really more important than your relationship? What are you actually missing about sex? It's not the orgasm, because you could just wank, or get a sex doll, you must be missing the intimacy, if you get intimate with another woman it's likely there'll be emotions on one or both sides, which will hurt your wife even more.

sex is not an important part of a relationship, many couples have relationships which are very strong when they don't have sex, either through lack of time, energy, libido or just not being able to, sex does not define a relationship.

value the small things, like a kiss before work, a cuddle at night, hold hands when you go out have lunch together if you can, you can be intimate without sex, but you can't have sex without intimacy.

really you've got to decide whether your wife's happiness is more important than your horniness.

Lovebirds_x wrote:

No, no you shouldn't. I don't know your wife, obviously, but any women I know who have done the 'oh just go have sex with another woman' it's actually been a bit of a test to find out if you actually will betray them just for the sake of sex. They don't WANT you to, but they feel you will anyway as they aren't giving it to you and generally they are fishing for a response along the lines of 'honey I'd never cheat on you, I'm happy to wait'. She most likely feels hugely inadequate and sleeping with another woman will prove that to her in her mind.

Just sort yourself out. It's far easier than the emotional fallout when your wife is distraught that you actually did go and sleep with another woman just because you aren't getting it regularly with her.

Well said. +1

Also, it's not that she doesn't want to, she is too busy working, I think you need to think about what this has done to her and whether you've behaved well, I feel like she didn't bring the subject up and suggest you could sleep with another woman, but gave into you to try and keep you happy

Think you should talk to your wife and find out why this has happened.
Sex is an important part of a relationship. For me I think yes it is One of the things that is part of a relationship. Nobody signs up to be in a sexless marriage.
Although you should definitely exhaust every possibility with your oh before you decide on anything drastic.

I'll second that and say you shouldn't. I'll also add that you should try to take over some of the household errands(if you haven't already) so she can have more time to relax and be herself. Try to encourage her, make her feel sexy and wanted, not look somewhere else for fulfilling your needs. I'm sure with lots of love and attention you can get to have all the intimacy you need with your gorgeous wife :).

Why does everyone assume the op isn't helping with errands and giving plenty of cuddles,hugs etc without sexual activity. If this was a woman would they be saying the same?

Stuburns wrote:

Why does everyone assume the op isn't helping with errands and giving plenty of cuddles,hugs etc without sexual activity. If this was a woman would they be saying the same?

Personally I'd be saying exactly the same to man or woman, I'm not assuming he doesn't do those things, I'm saying value those things more, people forget how intimate a cuddle is, cuddling someone you love neurologically is incredibly good for you and releases "happy hormones" there are many couples who can't have sex and yet still feel close and intimate with each other, intimacy is important, sex isn't.

Stuburns wrote:

Why does everyone assume the op isn't helping with errands and giving plenty of cuddles,hugs etc without sexual activity. If this was a woman would they be saying the same?

Actually only one person mentioned that, and they also said 'if you haven't already'. No assumptions have been made...

And yes, they would be saying the same if it was a woman. Women get frank answers on this forum too.

I'm just commenting from my point of view, I know that lack of cuddles or help with random boring stuff could make me unhappy and unwilling to have sex. It's just a wild guess since op hasn't given us more information :).
Gender wouldn't change my answer either, we are all people with feelings after all!

Never seen one from a female op with responses like maybe if you haven't already help with the diy or cleaning the car. Maybe run him a nice bath when he gets home after his physically demanding job.
Very few men of this day and age sit on there backsides. It's an old assumption that men don't do their bit.
I think the op needs to talk to his oh to find the reasons for this. definately don't sleep with another women.

Stuburns wrote:

Never seen one from a female op with responses like maybe if you haven't already help with the diy or cleaning the car. Maybe run him a nice bath when he gets home after his physically demanding job.
Very few men of this day and age sit on there backsides. It's an old assumption that men don't do their bit.
I think the op needs to talk to his oh to find the reasons for this. definately don't sleep with another women.

I know my first comment is always along the lines of "you need to think about how you can help them rather than help yourself" the OP knows why this is, she's busy at work and is probably nackered when she comes home, the last thing anyone want s after a long stressful day at work is sex. The comments have nothing to do with stereotyping genders, but someone complaining that they're not getting sex because their partner is Working too much.

Ok, look at the context here...OP has stated that his wife is off sex as she is so busy everyday of the week. The logical advice there is to go the extra mile to help out to try to make her less busy and less stressed, so maybe she can regain some lost libido. This is nothing to do with male/female it is entirely about one person in the relationship being worked to the bone, so the other doing more may actually help get things beack on a level ground. It's sound advice in this case?

We are both working ourselves into the ground, I do pretty much everyrhing in the house, cooking, cleaning making sure the kids school stuff is ready etc. etc. We arw very close we cuddle and talk all the time and still share tender moments, I've only slept with 2 people and 1 is my wife who I adore, she understands but just has no desire to have sex, we've tried touching but it doesnt work, I'm not some git who's just wanting to shag about!!

Which maybe the op already does every possible thing that he can. If she is working very long hours in a stressful job then it is understandable why she isn't in the mood for sex. Maybe the op works also and then does tea, washing, sorts kids out and still nothing. Maybe the work is a good reason or an easy excuse. He needs a sit down if he hasn't already and Ask more questions. He has however gone the completely wrong way in saying 'if you aren't giving me anything is it ok if I get it elsewhere'

Scott, maybe Ifrom possible a weekend away for just you 2. No stress or home and try to rediscover yourselves.

I think if you slept with someone else you'd realise it's not actually sex you want, it's sex with her. I know it's hard but she has a good reason and isn't just refusing to spite you or simply doesn't want to, she's tired. A weekend away would be good for both but also some time apart would be good, being away makes you realise what you really need from each other.

my OH has just gone to America for two weeks, yes I miss sex, but I miss his smell, I miss cuddles, I miss his warmth and just his voice and personality, but you don't appreciate all that when you have it everyday, just like you don't appreciate toilet roll until you realise there isn't any left

Scott79 wrote:

We are both working ourselves into the ground, I do pretty much everyrhing in the house, cooking, cleaning making sure the kids school stuff is ready etc. etc. We arw very close we cuddle and talk all the time and still share tender moments, I've only slept with 2 people and 1 is my wife who I adore, she understands but just has no desire to have sex, we've tried touching but it doesnt work, I'm not some git who's just wanting to shag about!!

Never assumed you were a git who wanted to sleep around. Seriously. I'm sorry if that's the way my own post came across.

I'll say again what I said on another thread recently, people only have what you say in your initial post to work with. So people advising you to do more is based on the fact that you didn't mention how much you did/didn't do in your first post. It was not a 'you must do more no matter how much you do now'. Sounds like you are both seriously bogged down!

I've had dry spells like that in my own relationships, and unfortunately the only thing that worked was riding it out. You can't take away the stresses of life and you can't force someone to want sex. It's great that you are still close in other ways as this clearly shows there are no underlying issues between you two as a couple, it is purely life getting in the way. Does she always have this much work or is it a temporary workload increase?

No way dude, I can imagine that before the sex "dried up" it was good, passionate and you both know each others bodies.

Only speaking from my own thoughts here but I can only imagine that sex with someone else who wasn't my wife would be an awkward fumble, especially if it was just sex.

I would try and book a long weekend away from work and homelife just the 2 of you to try and find that special spark again.

Good luck in whatever you decide