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  1. letting oneself go, a bit podgy

    chunkymac [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    • Joined: 11 Aug 2012

    For the last few years my wife and I have been lets say alot less intimate with each other than we used to be, we are both still young 30 and 29, it hardly ever goes beyond the realms of a quicky and if it does then its like forced and an effort from her

    Despite all the usual talkings, arguements, ideas, toys you name it, its been practically impossible to reignite the spark that was there and no reason other than 'its me not you' ' i dont know' 'its fine' etc etc

    Then out of nowhere last night she says you are 30kgs heavier than when we first met your carrying alot more podge than you used to, to say im heartbroken is beyond a joke, im by no means fat, im big built and am a competitve high level powerlifter so the extra weight excuse the cliche is alot more muscle than fat.

    After years of asking whats wrong and getting no real answer and then to be told basically oh yeah its cos your fat its gone straight through me, id never dream of saying anything like that to her and she has yo-yo'd in weight in the time we have been together but have always done all i can to make her feel special to me. I dont know what to say back or how to react now gutted is an under statement

    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    Damn, thats harsh and must hurt - especially tied in the with lack of intimacy.

    I have said this many times before on here, if you feel you cant talk, then write her a letter where she will have to read it instead of butting in when you are trying to talk. It will avoid confilct initially.

    What you need to write is what you have written here, explaining your concern over the lack of intimacy and also explain how much her comment, perhaps without intention, has hurt you.

    Then hopefully you will get a response and open a line of communication.

    If you putting on this weight for training purposes then explain this to her. If t is come on as a result 'lettig yourself go' then maybe suggest you both work on a plan or routine where you can exercise together - to spend time with each other above all else.

    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow I don't know what to say, that's awful, I don't really have much advice except telling her how she made you feel

    Nat&Ry [sign in to see picture]
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    I dont know what to say to you, it must have come as some blow!

    I think to a certain extent were all guilty of letting our selves go when were comfortable and happy. I know we have become a little bit podgey too but were happy together and I would hate to think that either one of us found this to be a negative in any way.

    I would be asking myself if this person is who i would want to be with, its quite a nasty way of putting it to be honest and im sure there are more subtle ways.

    I'd start by telling her that your upset by what she has said :(

    chunkymac [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
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    last week i wrote her a letter trying to explain how the lack of intimacy and how it feels shes distancing herself from me and all i got was one back saying sorry and its not like that.

    She should know that its not fat as she also trains with the rest of the team i train in as well as when we train together and sees first hand how hard i push myself.

    When i told her today how upset she had made me it was turned round on me and was told it wasnt meant to upset me, its just like i should not take it personally if that makes sense

    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds like you've done all you can, perhaps try couples coucelling?

    chunkymac [sign in to see picture]
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    ive suggested that before and get told its pointless waste of money, im gonna insist on it i think, im really questioning now if like you say this is someone that i want to be with forever, as i now feel that for years she has lied to me and made me believe there was nothing wrong

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm going to play devils advocate and say "Are you SURE that her comments about your weight directly tie in to her feelings regarding lack of intimacy?"

    For example, my partner and I tend to tease each other now and again, commenting on each others little pot belly, or big butt etc, but it is always done in love, or just generally to point out the obvious which is that we have both gained weight over the past 5 years. However, we both know we are crazy about each other and love the other more than ever. The comments are not aimed as an insult if that makes sense?

    Could it be that your wife was just making a general statement and due to your feelings about your sex life, you joined the dots yourself? Did she actually come out and say "The reason I don't want to have sex with you much is because you gained weight"

    See, lots of us make comments, not realising how deep it can hurt somebody else, especially if they have hidden concerns. Just a few weeks ago I said to my guy "Wow, look how much weight you have gained since we first got together" (I was looking through pictures) but it was not meant in any way as an insult. I love him just as he is...I simply noticed this change and commented on it. I did the same with my images ("omg look how thin I used to be"). Could it be your lady was doing the same? Just throwing out a comment on something she noticed and you joined the dots due to your conerns over the sex?

    If so, it could be that she genuinely loves you for who you are and is telling the truth that when she turns down sex, it is because she just has a lower drive than you, or isn't in the mood as much, as opposed to it being anything to do with your looks.

    If she did connect it herself, making the comment that your looks are the reason she has gone off sex, then I don't know what to say either, but this doesn't sound right to me.

    Think of it this way; if she really has stopped being intimate due to your change in looks, then it shows a genuinely shallow person who probably doesn't feel deep love for you (when you love someone and they change, more often than not we become attracted to the change because "it's them" and we love them) Would this lady, if she was that shallow and unloving, have stayed with you all this time, if she was focused solely on finding a partner who looks good on her arm?

    I think when we feel insecure about something, to hear a comment about it can make us jump to all sorts of conclusions and think that is the reason why other things are going wrong.

    Anyway, all I am saying is, are you sure she said this the way you heard it? We all speak and hear things from our own point of view (hence why miscommunications happen often) so before you get yourself down about this, I suggest asking her "Is my weight the reason you don't want to be intimate" or something similar. Find out if this was a genuinely selfish, shallow comment or just a "Hey I noticed this" comment that was in no way tied to your sex life.

    Hoping it is the latter! Good luck

    OUCH! Thank you ;) [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow, harsh. There's so many different ways to put something like that and she possibly picked the worst one. I'm sorry someone you love subjected you to that. :(

    I don't know where you're at but you could maybe visit your GP. I know most of the practices where I live have a visiting councillor from Relate on a monthly basis and it's a free service.

    It'll be harder for her to turn the tables on you if you have a mediator and it's surprising how quickly a councillor can get to the bottom of a problem. Just be aware that if you do decide to go down this route and she agrees to go with you, things can take a turn you totally don't expect and things can be unearthed that you don't want to hear.

    pinkanimal [sign in to see picture]
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    im podgier than I used to be, thankfully hubby still loves me and finds me attractive. I dont. but thats my problem I guess lol

    chunkymac [sign in to see picture]
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    im really hoping it is the latter but it just seems to much of a coincidence as the last couple of weeks ive really been trying to find out exactly what is going on with the intimacy and lack of compassion and although she didnt say it point blank it was almost hinted at that it was the reason, sorry i should have said that the preceeding convo was why are you like this now when 7 years ago you was all over me like a rash (not in those exact words but along those lines)

    chunkymac [sign in to see picture]
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    im at the stage now where i would just rather the truth came out whatever it is, i will do some research and see what cousilling is avaliable round here

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Okay, so she did say this during a conversation about why she has gone off sex, by the sounds of it. In this case, there are two possible reasons that I can think of that she said it:

    1) She meant it. She genuinely has "gone off" you and no longer sees you as attractive

    2) Equally likely, she was trying to hurt you. You mentioned in your first comment that you guys have had lots of conversations and arguements about this. It could be that this comment came out as a way to shut you down, shut you up or hurt you. She might have done this because she felt threatened (If she is hiding a secret phobia, or insecurity, or other such negative feeling about sex that she doesn't want you to know about and so your pressing her made her emotions rise high and was a "threat" to her feelings), or she might have been angry, felt like she was being attacked and used this to "punish" you for what she perceived as being pushed or challenged about her ways.

    Does that make sense? I am not saying you did attack her, challenge her or anything like that. I am saying she might have FELT that way and got on the attack herself.

    If it is number 1, then I guess the truth is she has lost attraction for you over the time you have been together (it can happen, especially if you fall out of love). If it is number 2, then she probably actually still cares deeply about you. People don't feel that upset or threatened to throw such mean insults unless they are feeling a turmoil of emotions themselves. If she didn't care, I guess she wouldn't feel those feelings.

    Either way, it sounds like you guys have some talking to do. The more you say she refuses or changes the subject, the more I feel she is hiding something (I dont mean anything like cheating. I mean a fear or an issue she feels ashamed or embarrassed about). If she continues to refuse to talk, or even go to couples counselling etc, I think you might need to accept she is stubbornly set in her ways/opinions and decide if you can be happy in a relationship like that.

    Best of luck to you.

    chunkymac [sign in to see picture]
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    problem is there both reasons make complete sense right now,

    number 1 is what ive been thinking and to be honest the way she has been acting, she turns her face away when i try to kiss her and doesnt even realise that its hurtful to do so.

    number 2 because i have been pressing her as i said the last couple of weeks to really find out what is going on, surely its easier to just talk to me and tell me what is truly going on then to keep on going about things like this, shes become so guarded recently and it is like shes hiding some thing from me, a feeling i am trying to put out of my head

    Raider Mr [sign in to see picture]
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    You could always leave? If she doesn't even understand you're bigger through your passion in weightlifting, I'd find that a worry. Plenty of chicks out there that would appreciate a power lifter...

    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    I would like her to show me one couple that hasn't put on weigh during the period of there relationship. Flip me.... I'm a stone heavier than when i first meet my hubby. And thats down to two children and drinking lots of wine to put up with them! My hubbys just as bad. He has put on approx a stone too. We tease each other but it's not enough for me not to want to have sex with him.
    Ask her how she would have felt if you said the same to her! Flip Nd most women would divorce or punch there hubby if he dared say that.
    She needs to sit down and talk with you because that's not an acceptable response and you both can't go on like that.
    Maybe you should go spend time with friends or family for a few days. Maybe she will realise whAt she has at home once it's gone

    pussy cat ;) [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel for u , shes out of order , have you thought she could be seeing someone else ? Maybe she wants to hurt you so your the one that ends it .

    I wish u well , if shes the one it will work itsself out .

    Take care

    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    Just want to say, please, try not to let this knock your confidence too much. Your body is healthy, your weight gain isn't because of bad food choices or lack of exercise, it is healthy tissue, and that is nothing for you to feel ashamed about. It is HER perception that is the problem, not your body or how you look. If you are happy with your body, and you feel healthy, then please don't feel like you need to change, because your wellbeing is more important than trying to make yourself someone elses ideal. Be who you want to be, life is too short to waste it living for someone else, do what makes you happy.

    SK1966 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with the above. She has been very hurtful. Most times this is to do with their own insecurities. Try to talk and get to a good place for both of you.

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