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  1. Why can't I feel much during sex?!

    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
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    • Joined: 7 Jun 2009

    Wow it's been ages since I've been on here. Hope you guys are all okay! Every so often I seem to have a blip about sex and it seems I'm having another one now! Basically my partner and I haven't been having sex that much lately, mostly we've just been busy but it has seemed to have dwindled lately. This isn't really the problem. I don't mind infrequent sex as long as the quality is good but that's really gone downhill!

    My partner and I have been together for a couple of years so maybe this is to be expected but I'm not happy! Over the past few months the sex hasn't been great and I've not had many orgasms. Even masturbation has been disappointing and if I do orgasm it's very short and sharp and not particularly satisfying. Honestly, I just don't feel much down there! My partner is very well endowed which has always been brilliant! But recently, no matter what position, all I feel is pain as he bashes against my cervix. My g spot seems totally unresponsive and my clit is just over sensitive to the point where it's uncomfortable.

    Today I just got really upset and ending up crying after sex, just as my man had cum which is the worst thing ever!

    It's not that I don't want sex. I love sex! But lately it's lacked spontaneity, been more like a chore and then the end result is just painful. I understand that a lot of this is probably psychological but the physical aspect is worrying me. Any advice? Xx

    Floozy Suzy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    • Joined: 27 Jun 2014

    Hi there, I'm very interested in following you post. I don't have any advice, but I really feel for you. I'm sorry to hear your having a bad time. Sex is often like that for me, but I'm now under the hospital, long story. Hopefully will all get sorted for me Wednesday with a small op. With the chore feeling, perhaps going for it in the morning will help you feel like it's less of a chore. That works for me, especially in the morning when were both full of energy and are not tired from a full day. I'm just getting started on my self discovery (I'm 31) and really hoping Wednesday can sort me out so I can fully enjoy my sex life without the pain. As for orgasms, mine are always quick and painful, I enjoy the journey, just not the destination! Hope you get your mojo back really soon. It might just be a case that you have a lot on and just can't quite get into it. All the best. x

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 18 Oct 2011

    The first thought that came to my mind DDD, is that you might have the problems and causes the wrong way round.

    It seems you are thinking...I have lost my libido, lost sensitivity, getting upset and the sex is not so good now.

    Whereas what I see is this: Getting upset, disappointed and aggravated over the state of sex, so the lbido has dropped and sensitivity is going.

    I speak from experience when I say this, because I have gone through numerous blips myself over the years. I used to get so frustrated wondering why things that used to work well, now failed and why everything just felt so meh. It was only coming out of these blips that I realised how powerful the mind is in arousal, orgasm, the whole shebang.

    For a full year I found it reeeeeally hard to orgasm or even feel anything. I realised it was the medication I was taking. It had numbed me. I stopped taking it and occasionally would have amazing sessions and amazing orgasms, but they were few and far between for about 6 months. I realised why: During the year that I had struggled due to the medication, I got into a ritual of self doubt, beating myself up mentally. Before the sessions would even start I was irritated and saying to myself, what's the bloody point. This is only going to end in frustration. I would begin the session, telling myself to stop thinking negative and just try and for 5 to 10 minutes I would attempt to keep the thoughts away....but I was thinking about thinking about the thoughts! I would soon begin to mentally "access" what was going on. Like this: How long has he been down there now? Should I not be closer by now? Am I taking too long? Will be notice I am struggling? Then I would get irritated because he wasn't "doing it correctly" I needed it to be EXACTLY how I needed it because I was struggling and if he didnt do it EXACTLY right and drifted away for a few seconds I was back in my head again thinking such things like: Okay, well I think that just set me back ten minutes, or well I am not going to get there at this rate.

    So much thinking, so much judging (myself) so much stress and irritation and general negativity.....I could not orgasm from him doing anything! It pissed me off. I USED to be able to enjoy it when he did AB and C. I used to orgasm easily when he did A B and C. Very occasionally I COULD still orgasm easily from A B and C so what the hell was wrong the other 90% of the time?

    Thankfully we have always been pretty good at communicating so I told him all this and more over the 6 months. I began to realise the thoughts I was having wasn't helping (you know, people tell you to relax, stop worrying, stop thinking, stop stressing) so I decided to just try it without thinking. That is NOT easy when you are in the habit and it just happens naturally. It still took me monthssss of trying, to not stress out and worry if it didnt happen (I still would a lot of the time), but gradually I managed to somehow change the thoughts enough to allow orgasms to become a bit more common. Still, it wasn't perfect and I often had to work hard and focus like crazy to get there instead of just relaxing.

    As the orgasms came a bit more regular, I got a little more confidence and understood it probably was my thoughts blocking me (as opposed to a physical issue) That helped me to reduce the negative thoughts further and slowly but surely my orgasms became more regular again. Not only that, but after a time, they became natural and easy again. Explosive and enjoyable and not forced or pressured. The more that happened, the more the negative thoughts vanished and I could relax and enjoy it.

    But it is not perfect. I still go through bouts of this to this day, where, for whatever reason I struggled to orgasm and I begin the cycle of worry (It's starting again) ...luckily I have managed to avoid it turning into 18 months and manage to break out after a week or two.

    The more disconnected or irritated I feel towards my partner, the more the problem arises. When we have gone through periods of time when I thought he was making way less effort than me, or that he was kinda just....ticking along using the same old routines etc....whenever I get a bit frustrated at him, the problem rears its head again. This time because I am thinking negative things like "I wish he would do more foreplay than this every time" or "He doesn't seem that into this"

    Most of the thoughts are based on my view of the situation. See, I know my partner is extremely shy about making the first move. Terrified even and although 99% of the time I don't mind and I am happy to do so....sometimes I get into this little negative narrative in my head that he just "doesn't care as much"....I am basicall frustrated and catastophise the situation. During sex I am no longer "in my body" but I am "in my head" thinking too much again.

    Each and every time I have had issues with orgasm, it has been down to being in the wrong frame of mind: Irritation, frustration, self doubt, insecurity and all of those insidious little thoughts that creep in and just cut the connection between body and mind, making it so difficult to connect up with the physical feelings.

    I have noticed that when I am in the right frame of mind (arouses, with no doubts, no irritations at him and nothing bothering me) that his touch blows my freakin mind. I can orgasm in minutes and he can even edge me successfully. I have some of the best orgasms and it feels like he can do no wrong. Every touch is electric.

    But if I am irritable, frustrated, doubting or in any way negative, his touch on my clitoris feels like he is rubbing a cat up the wrong way. He "manages" to keep catching my clitoris wrong, causing uncomfortably intense sensations that make me want to slam my legs closed. its like nails on a chalkboard. I wonder how is it possible that the night before, this same touch made me quiver in orgasmic ecstasy and now it feels almost painful, or even boring!

    And what is it that causes my clitoris (and the rest of me) to feel such different sensations, even though it is a similar caress? MY MIND. Always always my mind.

    As I have paid attention to this strange phenomena over the past 5 years or so, I realise that, without a shadow of a doubt, it is not the physical touch that decides if I orgasm or not (or even how intense it is) but my mind. My mind has to "allow" it, crave it, need it and be positive about getting it and then my body follows suit. I guess its kinda like a car....you put in the fuel and then go turn the key and it jumps into life, purring. Without the fuel, you can keep twiddling that key all day in an attempt to start the damn thing, but the best you might get is a cough and a splutter before it dies again.

    I honestly think the most important thing a woman can do to enjoy a more orgasmic sex life is to care for her mind. Try to rid any negative thoughts and invite positive ones in. I have noticed many women who struggle to orgasm have mental blocks, whether it be a childhood raised in the belief that "touching yourself is dirty" or whether they are very shameful of their own bodies etc....it is so often something in the mind.

    I don't know if this helps, but this is just what I sensed when reading your post. Maybe this is not the case, but as I read through your post, I could sense the same feelings (frustration, upset, irritation, worry) I have had so many times before and that have also cut my ability to enjoy sex or reach orgasm.

    You can fix it. It might be quick or take a while and you probably will have nights where things improve and then suddenly its back. Don't let those negative images steal your orgasm. Make a mental image of tying up and gagging that side of you who comes to sit on your shoulder and begin judging each time you get sexual. Strap her down and tell her to shush lol.

    And it is important to not judge yourself for judging yourself. So, you catch your mind drifting off to some negative thought and then start getting irritated at yourself for letting your mind wander. DON'T DO THIS! Simply just accept sometimes those thoughts come in, put a pin in them to come back to later and relax again. If you focus so hard on focusing...that can be a problem too.

    This is why it is difficult. Its about stopping the thoughts, without trying too hard, but accepting they might happen, but trying to reduce them or push them aside without beating yourself up!

    So...yeah! lol Just know you are not alone and I am willing to bet that re-connecting with your man and reconnecting with the positive side of your sexuality, will help things return bit by bit.

    If it doesn't, it might be worth considering physical issues. Medication, nerve damage and all sorts of issues COULD cause numbness and anorgasmia too.

    Good luck (sorry for the long post too)

    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel a bit silly now.... we had sex last night and it was INCREDIBLE! Spontaneous, just as we were going to bed and when we'd finished the first time he still stayed hard so he just carried on fucking me until I actually couldn't take it any more! Had one great orgasm after another!

    Thank God is all I can say, I was getting really worried. We still need to work on things but it's a relief that I can still enjoy sex. It seems more of a psychological issue.

    Floozy- I'm totally the opposite, I don't want sex in the mornings! When you wake up and feel skanky the last thing I want to do is kiss someone with my morning breath! I'm definitely more into evening sex but my partner isn't. He says sex winds him up and makes it hard for him to sleep, whereas it sends me off to sleep nicely. We compromise with afternoon delight sometimes but that's not always a convenient time!

    Fluffbags- you are a saint! Honestly, everything you said made total sense. I've always loved sex. Loved orgasms. I'm always thinking about sex and unfortunately that means I'm often comparing my sex life to others'. Including unrealistic tv/movie/porn sex, gossip with friends.

    I love my OH, I love his attitude and his personality and I'm very attracted to him. Plus he has the most fantastic dick! :P but we're both busy and we don't live together so we don't have sex that much. I hear about other couples fucking all the time, any spare minute, and it seems so passionate. But we don't really have that. He likes sex but he's not always after it. He's said it before (and I've definitely complained about it before!) that he's a "once in a while" kinda guy. Whereas the more sex I have, the more I want it. If we have great sex, all I want is more.

    So we are a little incompatible in that sense. And whilst it doesn't take much to turn me on, it doesn't take much to turn me off either! One little thing can happen and my mind tells me "this isn't going to be great, his fingers feel like an invasion, tense up, don't relax." Then I don't get wet, then it hurts. I let myself think that it's not going to be a good session before it's even started!

    I also have a bad problem where my mind just wonders to other things. Whilst I know it's not good to be over-focussed, I can't keep my mind on just sex! Which is probably why I find it so hard to masturbate without porn.

    I know I need to be more positive in general. My boyfriend has mentioned that I always seem to feel the need to focus on something being wrong- if everything is fine, then I have to find something to have a blip about! And often that thing is sex. So yes, I need to be more positive. We need to reconnect. And I feel like we made a pretty good start last night!

    Thanks again guys, I really appreciate your advice :) xx

    Lala23 [sign in to see picture]
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    dotdashdot wrote:

    One little thing can happen and my mind tells me "this isn't going to be great, his fingers feel like an invasion, tense up, don't relax." Then I don't get wet, then it hurts.

    I'm glad things are getting back on track :). I have a similar problem to you re the above, but have found that always having lube to hand means I don't worry anywhere near as much about it because I know I have that as a back up. That in turn means I know it won't hurt so things are better, and I'm more relaxed. You might keep some to hand already anyway, but if not it might help x

    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 18 Oct 2011

    So pleased to read that you had a great session! It sounds like you are quite similar to me and it is no wonder we have issues! lol. From trying to be a perfectionist, to wishing they would put in the same thought or time into things...yep, so many things can become a bug bear if you let them.

    If you are anything like me, I am guessing some issues also stem from "romantisising" the sessions before they happen. What I mean is, you think about sex a lot (as do I) you plan things, you build up this epic session in your mind for the next time he is in the mood and then.....

    It never quite works out as you had imagined. You were expecting "this" reaction and didn't get it. You expected "that" thing would have got you so much more aroused, but it just felt a little flat.

    Problem with peeps like us, who think, watch, read and fantasise about sex often is that those fantasies don't usually translate so well into reality and then we automatically assume it is because we are doing it wrong, or even that he is. We feel like we are missing out on this fireworks like explosion, but if we actually just stopped imagining how it should feel and focus on how it does feel, we can actually get those explosions from what is actually happening. I am not surprised you said this amazing sex came from a spontaneous session....you didn't have time to think or plan or imagine what "should" be happening. You rolled with it and BAM!

    You might find you still have the occasional week or so where you fall back into one of these funks. I know I do, despite knowing the cause! Hopefully now though, you feel confident that it is just your mind getting in the way and knowing that can help you shake off the funks a lot quicker/easier. Just don't let yourself get too worked up if they linger a few days/weeks, they do eventually go away again if you don't allow them to consume you.

    rogerthechorister [sign in to see picture]
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    Banging against the cervix is bad. He must learn not to thrust so far (or let you ride) or you could try one of the two-bullets things that stop at least an inch of penetration.

    The morning breath thing is a bad fetish. Remember something I said to a G/F MANY years ago. "It's you I love, not a tube of toothpaste" . Will you such his cock or rim him and then kiss him? Will he go down on you or rim youand then kiss him? Life is full of germs and our distaste for some smells and tastes is a construct. Ask any dog.

    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 7 Jun 2009

    Hrmph. I'm so up and down with my sexual satisfaction. Since the good sex session of a few weeks ago there's been not a lot happening in the bedroom department.

    Last night we attempted to have sex but it was just so organised. "Shall we have sex? We're kind of running out of time in the day. Best do it now since we're in bed." Bla bla bla. Bottom line, I was not turned on in the slightest. He was hard, tried fingering me and went down on me but I didn't feel anything but discomfort.

    I told him to stop, he lost his hard on and we went to bed feeling awkward and dissatisfied. I don't know what to do! I don't get it because I think he's really handsome and I am attracted to him, but then when we get down to it and start kissing I just feel turned off.

    I know it's a lot to do with the mind and I'm trying to keep it under control, put less pressure on sex, think positively... but I'm finding it really hard! I just want to kiss someone and feel that tingly, horny feeling. I'd love to be able to talk to him about it but I've always struggled to talk to him about anything serious in the relationship.

    I don't know why I have this block when it comes to talking to him, especially about sex. I'd love to lie down with him, masturbate, tell him what I like, ask him what he likes. But he just feels so unavailable. Arghhhhhhhh I'm so frustrated!!!!

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