• Wait! We think you’re in the US - Lovehoney.com is a better site for you.
    Shop there and get 10% off!
    United States Flag
    Go to Lovehoney.com
  1. Shyness

    1251752261
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1265
    • Joined: 22 Aug 2009

    Hi molls and dolls,

    Just wondering if anyone can give me any advice...

    Online I find it easy to be bold, flirty and downright dirty but in person I don't feel remotely charming! I have a gorgeous partner who I can be confident with but we'd both like to explore my lesbian fantasies and my shyness with women is making this difficult. We have come close to having a threesome with my friend a couple of times but in the end she didn't want to go through with it and (obviously) I was happy to respect her wishes.

    Anyone experienced similar difficulties or know a good way to overcome this problem?

    Love and tickles

    xxKPxx

    1251752436
    Ecksvie [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1173
    • Joined: 11 Jun 2009

    Baby steps! If you're shy, being flirty and dirty will be difficult, even if you're used to it online. Perhaps get used to just saying a few, mild things, then work your way up!

    1251753772
    SmoothOne [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 348
    • Joined: 4 Jul 2009

    There's two different things here.

    I always get accused of being flirty which is rubbish as I couldn't flirt if my life depended on it. So with that in mind, just focus on being more friendly...flirting is apparently just an extension of that.

    The second thing if you are looking to explore that element of your sexuality, I'd be inclined to look online for someone, that way you can stop emotions becoming involved, and ensure that its a one off. Also it allows you to play to your strength of being bold, sassy and suggestive when you chat. Hope that helps

    1251754262
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 879
    • Joined: 9 Jan 2007

    KittyPurry wrote:

    Just wondering if anyone can give me any advice...

    Online I find it easy to be bold, flirty and downright dirty but in person I don't feel remotely charming! [...] we'd both like to explore my lesbian fantasies and my shyness with women is making this difficult. [...] Anyone experienced similar difficulties or know a good way to overcome this problem?

    I was shy once for about a minute when I was 5. Other than that I've had no experience of it myself. :)

    However, I've been thinking a whole lot about shyness in general during the past few months, and these are some of the thoughts I've had:

    • Shyness is a whole package of feelings, not just one
    • Shyness in general is based on some kind of fear (embarrassment, failure, unfavourable appearance to others, etc)
    • "Shy" is a term frequently used by those whose package of fears are unexplored
    • Having a name like "shy" makes it possible for many to just say "shy" and leave it at that

    So I would suggest that you have a think about what exactly you are shy about. Then you can work on why whatever it is scares you, how that prevents you from achieving your goals, and how you can achieve your goals by working through that.

    As a start, I would propose that you feel confident online because most of you is invisible, and you can become totally invisible at any time, making online a safe-feeling environment for you. So why do you fear things in person which you do not fear online? What are those things?

    Good luck. :)

    1251759577
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1265
    • Joined: 22 Aug 2009

    Thanking you so muchly to everyone for your responses...I've been giving it some thought and I think my shyness from girls probably comes from some bad experiences with a girl. Basically she knew I liked her and kept dangling the possibility of something happening between us in front of me because she liked the attention. She'd kiss me if there were people around to see and would flirt a lot but if I suggested anything more she'd go cold. If I turned my attentions elsewhere however she'd get jealous and pester me till I was interested again then drop me again when it suited her.

    I know it probably doesn't sound like much but it drove me crazy and all the mixed signals have made me feel utterly unsure of my footing when it comes to women! I used to be more confident back in girl's school...if I liked someone I just seemed to be able to flirt quite happily and could tell easily enough if the girl was interested. Now though....I think my gaydar may have broken and I'm clearly not giving off the right vibes anymore! I'm going to have to find a way to get my mojo back me thinks!

    xxKPxx

    PS Thank you again OA posters...you really are top banana :)

    1251760410
    miss fortune [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 26
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2009

    It was a big thing what happened to you. It was a bitchy thing to happen but confidence can be rebuilt.

    My tip is to spend a day (if you can't a few hours is ok) pampering yourself. Have a long bath, paint your nails, wear a outfit you love and tell yourself at least two things about your body and two good things about your personality (I do this sometimes as I'm shy too). Then go out and have fun. Don't make it the aim of the night (too much pressure and not fun).

    1251761611
    poppy904 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 446
    • Joined: 4 Apr 2007

    KittyPurry wrote:

    I used to be more confident back in girl's school...if I liked someone I just seemed to be able to flirt quite happily and could tell easily enough if the girl was interested. Now though....I think my gaydar may have broken and I'm clearly not giving off the right vibes anymore! I'm going to have to find a way to get my mojo back me thinks!

    xxKPxx

    PS Thank you again OA posters...you really are top banana :)

    and the religious nuts seem to think that if you separate the girls and boys then they WONT think about sex. how wrong they are!!! x

    1251761704
    miss fortune [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 26
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2009

    Nexas wrote:

    Things like that are tough to get over. But just keep trying a bit more each day and eventually you'll get better at it. I've got RIDICULOUSLY low self-esteem, but once I started faking confidence, I actually became more confident because people were responding well to the confidence...

    And that was barely a sentence LMAO But I hope you get what I mean ^_^'

    I know what you meant. You mean by acting confident (even if you're not) people will believe you are, they'll treat you like you're confident and soon you'll just become confident as people are convincing you you're confident right? Or I am just confused as normal ^^'

    1251762369
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1265
    • Joined: 22 Aug 2009

    poppy904 wrote:

    and the religious nuts seem to think that if you separate the girls and boys then they WONT think about sex. how wrong they are!!! x

    Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}

    Hahahaha! You're SO right...my love of women may have begun with a flicker of interest in Disney princessess but the flames of passion were definitelyfanned by years of exposure to soft and sinuous classmates!

    xxKPxx

    1251762758
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1265
    • Joined: 22 Aug 2009

    I'm definitely gonna try the "fake it till you make it" trick with confidence that everyone is suggesting (how did you all get so wise!?! Do you perhaps visit a small, green sex-yoda?!)

    I'll possibly swat up on some good gay bars to go to so that I'm at least not having to contend with the "is she, isn't she" dilema...I'm always nervous approaching women in case I offend anyone (there still seems to be rather a lot of predjudice about, a local girl got beaten up recently just for being openly gay).

    Stay sexy girlies :)

    xxKPxx

    1251763112
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1265
    • Joined: 22 Aug 2009

    D

    Nexas wrote:

    miss fortune wrote:

    Nexas wrote:

    Things like that are tough to get over. But just keep trying a bit more each day and eventually you'll get better at it. I've got RIDICULOUSLY low self-esteem, but once I started faking confidence, I actually became more confident because people were responding well to the confidence...

    And that was barely a sentence LMAO But I hope you get what I mean ^_^'

    I know what you meant. You mean by acting confident (even if you're not) people will believe you are, they'll treat you like you're confident and soon you'll just become confident as people are convincing you you're confident right? Or I am just confused as normal ^^'

    Exactly right LOL It's hard saying that when I think no-one should fake anything but acting confident is something different in my eyes and it really works.

    This leads me to wonder if confidence is actually real at all! Maybe it's just a myth to aspire to, invented to stop us all being so damn hash on ourselves!

    xxKPxx

    1251764026
    miss fortune [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 26
    • Joined: 28 Jun 2009

    Nexas wrote:

    KittyPurry wrote:

    D

    Nexas wrote:

    miss fortune wrote:

    Nexas wrote:

    Things like that are tough to get over. But just keep trying a bit more each day and eventually you'll get better at it. I've got RIDICULOUSLY low self-esteem, but once I started faking confidence, I actually became more confident because people were responding well to the confidence...

    And that was barely a sentence LMAO But I hope you get what I mean ^_^'

    I know what you meant. You mean by acting confident (even if you're not) people will believe you are, they'll treat you like you're confident and soon you'll just become confident as people are convincing you you're confident right? Or I am just confused as normal ^^'

    Exactly right LOL It's hard saying that when I think no-one should fake anything but acting confident is something different in my eyes and it really works.

    This leads me to wonder if confidence is actually real at all! Maybe it's just a myth to aspire to, invented to stop us all being so damn hash on ourselves!

    xxKPxx

    Not at all! It does come naturally eventually and to be honest...I'm MASSIVELY overweight and I don't think I'm attractive but I still feel strangely confident about things and that, I think, makes me more appealing than I would be...

    Again, sense, I has none LOL But yeah ^_^'

    It's quite funny cause being harsh isn't always a bad thing (I'm quite harsh when I practice) but being confident is natural, you just need to learn it sometimes.

    I'm a bit over weight myself but once I dress up I feel so much more confident then if I was in dressed down.

    1251767552
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    KittyPurry wrote:

    Hi molls and dolls,

    Just wondering if anyone can give me any advice...

    Online I find it easy to be bold, flirty and downright dirty but in person I don't feel remotely charming! I have a gorgeous partner who I can be confident with but we'd both like to explore my lesbian fantasies and my shyness with women is making this difficult. We have come close to having a threesome with my friend a couple of times but in the end she didn't want to go through with it and (obviously) I was happy to respect her wishes.

    Anyone experienced similar difficulties or know a good way to overcome this problem?

    Love and tickles

    xxKPxx

    I have the same shyness issues....I find I worry too much about lasting impressions, I do however find it easier to talk to people in situations where I'm know I'm never going to see them again after a certain period of time....So I'm fine talking to people on holiday or in a club! Would this be an easy way to achieve your goal of being less shy?

    1251767660
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    I mean by agreeing that if you were to have a threesome that you would never see each other again (the extra obviously, not your fella hehe)

    1251767820
    WandA [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6178
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2007

    AdnaW wrote:

    I mean by agreeing that if you were to have a threesome that you would never see each other again (the extra obviously, not your fella hehe)

    Oooo you don't know what you've let yourself in for now love... one night you'll come back from brushing your teeth and find a high class escort in our room...

    1251768258
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3406
    • Joined: 2 Feb 2008

    WandA wrote:

    AdnaW wrote:

    I mean by agreeing that if you were to have a threesome that you would never see each other again (the extra obviously, not your fella hehe)

    Oooo you don't know what you've let yourself in for now love... one night you'll come back from brushing your teeth and find a high class escort in our room...

    High class ey?

    1251789844
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 879
    • Joined: 9 Jan 2007

    KittyPurry wrote:

    I think my shyness from girls probably comes from some bad experiences with a girl. [...] it drove me crazy and all the mixed signals have made me feel utterly unsure of my footing when it comes to women!

    PS Thank you again OA posters...you really are top banana :)

    I don't actually think it matters what your specific experiences were, although I'm sure it's interesting to work out. :)

    So you've pointed to that experience as a reason why you're shy with women in general, but what exactly is it you're scared of from women in general now? I think it's unlikely you realistically expect all women to behave like that one did, or do you? I mean, you must have been poorly treated by men before yet you don't mention any shyness to do with them, do you have any?

    So what is it exactly that you are afraid will happen if you approach a woman in particular?

    KittyPurry wrote:


    This leads me to wonder if confidence is actually real at all! Maybe it's just a myth to aspire to, invented to stop us all being so damn hash on ourselves!

    For some reason, I've always had bucketloads of confidence, so I can totally promise you that confidence is real and can be had by anybody, I promise. :)

    And oooooh, I'm a top banana! That's so cool. :)

    1251818406
    poppy904 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 446
    • Joined: 4 Apr 2007

    WandA wrote:

    AdnaW wrote:

    I mean by agreeing that if you were to have a threesome that you would never see each other again (the extra obviously, not your fella hehe)

    Oooo you don't know what you've let yourself in for now love... one night you'll come back from brushing your teeth and find a high class escort in our room...

    at least its a high class one and not a skanky ho!! x

    1251818641
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 879
    • Joined: 9 Jan 2007

    poppy904 wrote:

    WandA wrote:

    one night you'll come back from brushing your teeth and find a high class escort in our room...

    at least its a high class one and not a skanky ho!! x

    Hey, skanky hos are people too. Up the skanky hos! Go skanky hos! Rah rah skanky hos!! :p

    1251819031
    randomscreenname [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 22
    • Joined: 31 Aug 2009

    I used to have massive shyness issues as a kid - got picked on, the usual package for nerdy kids alike.

    never thought i would go back to a school. never thought id go stand up in fron of people and talk.

    I did a PGCE, confronted some demons now not only do i teach (and well, I'm told) but i lecture physics to adults at degree level too - and enjoy it.

    It took a lot of effort to gain that kind of confidence, and a great deal of bullshitting but if you talk loud enough, people listen. once you see ppl listening you suddenly have that 'jeez, i can actually do this' moment and it grows from there.

    I went from being the quiet nerdy kid at school to the guy the wedding organiser came to at my best mates wedding to shut the drunken guests up long enough to announce the arrival of the food!

    my lack of confidence shows in other areas still, ( dont do confrontation, im just shit at it) but im sure a wise man once said

    that you use more, grows most. if he didnt he damn well should have done.

    K

    PS where would we be without the ho's? ;)

    Thread closed

    This thread is closed, so no new messages can be posted.