• Can you be friends with your ex?

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    titania [sign in to see picture]
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    For me being friends with an ex has never really worked and in my experience, although it does happen, its rarely successful. I do know people who are on civil terms with their ex-spouses on account of having kids (my parents included) but I wouldn't say they were friends.

    I've been with my OH (now husband) for years and had 3 significant partners before that. Two ended very badly, one sort of petered out. The last one, which lasted for over 2 years, limped on for the last 6 months because we kept trying to remain friends and ended up getting back together. It didn't really end until he took up with someone else (which was obviously horrible) and even then we kept in touch via occasional email. In fact, luckily, that was all we could do as we were living in different countries at the time! Eventually a friend told me he was about to get married. He'd been engaged for 8 months but hadn't bothered to mention it and I found it very upsetting. Hence I don't think trying to stay friends is a great idea, as tempting as it is.

    I personally believe that when you have really loved someone there will always be a connection between you. You might even say that you will allways love them, in a way, and I think that makes it very difficult to remain friends.

    1251587413
    kryptonite [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm still in contact with 2 of my ex's (wouldn't go as far to call us friends now) but my OH doesn't know because he would be jealous. I'm his first and only girlfriend so i can't feel jealous but i think i probably would.

    I still care about what happens to both of them but we keep contact to purely MSN and the occasional text now, which i think is for the best and it makes it easier to concentrate on the here and now, what's important.
    If it works for people to be friends with an ex and keep that from interferring with new partners then great but more often than not, i think it just gets in the way.

    Maybe thats just me speaking from experience though x

    1251589900
    Firecracker [sign in to see picture]
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    I am friends with many ex's but only the ones where it was a casual, no-strings arrangements, i have never kept close contact with any serious ex-partners, although i am close to the girl my last BF through he would screw behind my back .... bitter, me? NAH!

    1251591076
    LadyJade [sign in to see picture]
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    All my ex partems have hurt me so much I just wanted to kill them. But I broke up with my EX bf and we stayed friends because I didnt want to loss are friendship because I didnt want to go throw what I did before in the past. After 6 to 9 month we are now back together we fell in love all over again some would say a happy ending. Hope it works out for you and can both be happy. XxX

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    Sideshow Bob [sign in to see picture]
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    Id say no, but then everyone is different. Obviously if there are kids involved you have to stay in contact and be 'friendly' even if your not friends. Im still in contact with one ex who sends me a text now and again to say hello, and weve met up here and there I always reply to her texts but Ive never initiated the conversation myself so I suppose if she didnt I would have forgotten about her very quickly (it was a 3 years relationship that Id rather forget about anyhow...)

    That said I was recently contacted by and ex from almost 20 years ago thru facebook, that involved a nasty break up and Ive not spoken to or seen her for all that time, it was odd to catch up after all these years but I wouldnt say we were friends

    Im not a bitter and tristed old bugger but when I break up with someone Id rather just walk away, close that chapter of my life and move on, staying friends with an ex just complicates things for you both and for future relationships imo

    1251645262
    MaxPower [sign in to see picture]
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    Usually not in my experience. Very often it takes both sides to allow some space to develop, move on and even find other partners before the dust settles and you can be meaningful friends again. Sometimes where you both share the same set of friends and where people don't 'pick sides' you can find yourself in the same social situations a lot and that can help. Sometimes not either.

    I'd say that it's unlikely to happen even if you both still feel affection for one another. It's just the way things go.

    1251651572
    Alicia D'amore [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello Hornyteen!

    Sorry about your break up!! Errr, I would say yes....but it depends on the people involved, the reason you broke up (resentment and jealousy will ruin a friendship) and time!...I would suggest not seeing each other or talking to each other at all for 6 weeks, then slowly start talking to each other again...that way you can separate the relationship from the friendship. Otherwise it's so easy just to slip back into old habits. the other benefit of this is that if you DO get back together, you know what it's like to be apart and missing each other so you will appreciate each other more!

    Hope it all goes ok!

    1251742913
    treesapdiva [sign in to see picture]
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    I am friends with some of my ex's but mostly I agree that it is difficult in many cases. If you don't have feelings yourself anymore, then there is the risk the your ex may do. Also the reason you broke up is a factor too, if things just came to a mutual end , then that helps but if one of you got hurt then it's not gonna help to be friends.

    Also as has been said ( i think) if your friendship gets in the way of a new relationship too that need to be addressed.

    1251757716
    hornyteen [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks everyone and dont worry those who say that you cant I complely understand.

    Its been 5 days now and it is getting easier to realise why we broke up...We have just fell out of love with each other and where friends basically for the last 6 months or so.

    Its still hard and I do get upset (my friend spilt with her boyfriend a day before me and is going through the same situation so it helps) me make sure that I dont dwell on it and look at it postivitly. Like Lubyanka picked up on we havent been happy for a while, so I just have to take it as a relief. I always knew it wasnt going to be a forever relationship.

    At the moment nothing seems to of changed apart from the fact that we dont feel as if we need to see each other and no sex etc.

    I guess like it has been addressed we will need to wait and see, if new partners come onto the scene it may change etc.

    It is a waiting game.

    Thanks everyone for your support xxx

    1251890624
    dancingdiva [sign in to see picture]
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    My gf is friends with one of her ex's this doesnt bother me as we're friends to... its thanks to the ex that i met my gf! I have no problems with trusting my gf as i know that there are no deep feelings there and the ex is also now married and yup.... friends with him 2!!! there have been many good girly nights on the town and i'm sure there will be many more!

    there are cases were i have totally cut the ex out of my life.... they just werent worth the time after the breakup. I am mates with a few ex's but i make a point of not getting to close as i did this once and broke his heart..... i dont want to make that mistake ever again!

    1251891237
    Morbidia [sign in to see picture]
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    Me and my ex swore we'd stay friends if we broke up as we'd been together and known eachother so long.

    But as he became a twat,didnt speak to me for 6 weeks, then said, oh yeah, that wasnt a break, that was a break up, then had the cheek to say when I tried to stay friends, that he needed to cut ME out of HIS life, to get over ME, im afraid i have bad feelings towards him, even though he cant understand this.

    We bumped into each other a few months ago in a club we both go to, after not seeing each other for a year, and after that point he wouldnt stop talking to me, and every time we talk, it feels like he's showing off to me and trying to outdo everything i say, and appears to be copying my OH in many ways now, and is always over friendly and complimentary to me, even more so than when we were together.

    It just makes me feel uncomfortable, but considering, he lives at the same place my OH does, and we all go to the same pubs and clubs, seemed a worse of two evils to keep it pleasant, we bumped into each other before, it will no doubt happen again.

    On a lighter note, a thought i had last night, about his awkwardness that he presented to me when we bumped in to each other, when we dated and from when we met, he always got a boner when he saw me, so that may explain it, lol, uncommmmmfortablllllleeeee ^_^ mwahahahaha

    x x x

    1251901030
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    Morbidia wrote:

    We bumped into each other a few months ago in a club we both go to, after not seeing each other for a year, and after that point he wouldnt stop talking to me, and every time we talk, it feels like he's showing off to me and trying to outdo everything i say, and appears to be copying my OH in many ways now, and is always over friendly and complimentary to me, even more so than when we were together.

    [...] seemed a worse of two evils to keep it pleasant

    It's entirely possible to let somebody keep talking whilst you simply turn away and walk off without a word. I find that waiting for a suitable break just encourages them to continue, so I just walk off in the middle. In my experience, I can do this a few times and they get the message pretty quick, and leave me strictly alone after that.

    If you want him to leave you strictly alone and only speak to you when absolutely necessary, then that's one way I've found which works for me. :)

    1251901169
    Morbidia [sign in to see picture]
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    I may give that a try my dear, thanks for that :) xx

    1251901497
    Bluebottle [sign in to see picture]
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    One of my ex girlfriends (And there aren't many!) is very high up on my 'best friends' list but..... it took 10 years to get to that point!

    1251901861
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    Morbidia wrote:

    I may give that a try my dear, thanks for that :) xx

    My pleasure, dahlink. :)

    1251905401
    KittyPurry [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmmm this is a tricky one and no mistake!

    The fact that you have to see him for work makes a clean break and some time apart to recover an impossible solution. However, I would consider not hanging around with each other as much as before because if the only thing that's changed is you're not having sex then neither of you are really moving on.

    My instinct would be to try and have a very honest conversation with you ex about how you feel and your concerns. Just tell him exactly what you're thinking and listen to what he has to say too and maybe between you, you could agree on some boundaries. I don't think you can really go wrong if you're completely open with someone (though maybe I'm being naieve!)

    Hope this helps in some teeny, tiny way!

    Stay sexy

    xxKPxx

    1251905814
    Scientist [sign in to see picture]
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    It's completely situational, I'm still really good friends with one of my ex's, in fact I was a groom at her wedding a couple of weeks ago but think that it's rare. In that case we only went out a few months and it taught us we were better off as friends and so have been since.

    As for my other ex's some of them I still see every few months as we're in the same social groups. We talk pleasantly, have a few laughs etc but I don't think I could be close friends with them again, there's too much water under the bridge.

    Imo I think whenever you break up with someone you should give eachother distance for a few months, otherwise it can seem like your still in the relationship without the intimacy and just makes things worse.

    1251907137
    Lubyanka [sign in to see picture]
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    KittyPurry wrote:

    My instinct would be to try and have a very honest conversation with you ex about how you feel and your concerns. [...] I don't think you can really go wrong if you're completely open with someone (though maybe I'm being naieve!)

    I find that being open with somebody who is judgmental and unreceptive and unresponsive can indeed go very badly wrong. I find that sometimes it just isn't safe to be completely open with some individuals. And as Morbidia said, her ex talks at her, not with her, so I would suspect that distance from him is the better part of valour. :)

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    lickityclit [sign in to see picture]
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    I've remained friends with some, others I wouldn't spit on if they were on fire.

    Personally, I think it depends on what caused the break up. If it's been an amicable thing (ie you just grew apart), then yes, it is possible to stay friends.

    1251927648
    Ben-uk [sign in to see picture]
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    i am still friends with some of my exs and it seems to work for me, i have no problems with them and my wife is fine with me being friends with them.

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