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  1. Not Eating: How do I approach my daughter

    1552581135
    teacake [sign in to see picture]
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    So my daughter had a eating disorder 4 or 5 years ago, she got back into it eventually it was a tough time for all of us, at the weekend I was cleaning the house removing the beds etc, I pulled out my daughters bedside cabinet as I was doing it one of the draws came out and I see sandwiches in her draw

    How the hell am I going to approch this as it was hidden in her draw, she is 18 so I don't want her to feel her bedroom is not her room for her private life.

    1552583521
    K&c30's [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Teacake. Well it's a tricky one, firstly you had a legitamate reason it seems for being in her room. So atleast you know yourself that you weren't snooping. She will not see it this way though and be prepared for possibly receiving a whole world of verbal abuse. This will not be directly intended to hurt you hut to try and deflect the attention away from the issue, the hidden sandwiches.

    Now you probably have two ways to play it, either confront the situation on this evidence alone or try and introduce situations where you can get a bit more information. Such as have sit down family meal times, see how much is eaten (which may be better if you are unsure if the eating disorder has returned)

    When I found evidence of my daughter cutting I went for option 1. If you do this keep an even head, don't get angry, don't place any blame, no raised voices, no asking why. The main objective is to help her admit the problem is back and to let her know you are there to help. The next objective is to get her back to the doctors and to receive the medical attention she needs.

    Be prepared for the tough times to return, but it would be tougher to stand back watch and do nothing.

    Wishing you all the best.

    1552585301
    teacake [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks K&c, tough times will be around the corner as she is 18 now it will be a lot harder as she can refuse to see the doctor or have any help. 

    I'm not to worried about her shouting and gettting angry with me, I had all that when we were told we had to make her eat, she was close to being sent to hospital. I'm more worried she will see it as a privacy thing, I wasn't snooping but like you said she will see it as that and will more likely clam up.

    I think sitting down with her and slowly bring up a conversation about eating.

    Maybe then having conversations about eating without directly letting her know then keeping a eye on her eating, maybe getting her mum to weigh her. 

    1552590303
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Teacake, 

    I think your general chat heading towoards her eating disorder is a good way to go. I can see how she would see it as an invasion of privacy even though you were not snooping, she will not see it that way. 

    Rather than weight, you could try having a pair of jeans that she tries on, you and she can see clearly if the jeans are getting too big or fitting well. This also avoids the obsession with weight and tricke to weigh more, (like putting weights in your vigina) I know that thought might not have crossed your mind, but sadly I have been there and am now over weight but eating healthy. 

    If her eating disorder is/was bulimia then paying for a dental hygienist can be a good monitor too. If she has to see the dentist every month or two, she can't hide the vomiting as the teeth will show damage that the dentist will clearly see. I use to rince my mouth with full fat milk to neutralise the stomach acid, then wash all the fat out of the milk out of my mouth with loads of water. I still can't drink milk, and it's been 30 years now. But that did save my teeth.

    one of the biggest difficulties is showing other people that you are struggling wth something. I wear sparkly glitter eyeliner when I'm really struggling. It's an easy visual change that my friends and work coleagues know. If something like this might work with your daughter try to suggest she wears a distinctive something so that you can know when she is struggling and support her, without her having to actually say she is finding things difficult. My suggestion would be a light scalf, something she can wear summer or winter, that will look like a fashion item. Only you two need to know what it means. 

    I hope this helps

    1552594405
    Knight1119 [sign in to see picture]
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    Teacake, I’m sorry to hear about your daughter mate, I hope she pulls through ok 🙂

    1552640336
    teacake [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1505
    • Joined: 24 Oct 2011

    Fun Louise wrote:

    Hi Teacake, 

    I think your general chat heading towoards her eating disorder is a good way to go. I can see how she would see it as an invasion of privacy even though you were not snooping, she will not see it that way. 

    Rather than weight, you could try having a pair of jeans that she tries on, you and she can see clearly if the jeans are getting too big or fitting well. This also avoids the obsession with weight and tricke to weigh more, (like putting weights in your vigina) I know that thought might not have crossed your mind, but sadly I have been there and am now over weight but eating healthy. 

    If her eating disorder is/was bulimia then paying for a dental hygienist can be a good monitor too. If she has to see the dentist every month or two, she can't hide the vomiting as the teeth will show damage that the dentist will clearly see. I use to rince my mouth with full fat milk to neutralise the stomach acid, then wash all the fat out of the milk out of my mouth with loads of water. I still can't drink milk, and it's been 30 years now. But that did save my teeth.

    one of the biggest difficulties is showing other people that you are struggling wth something. I wear sparkly glitter eyeliner when I'm really struggling. It's an easy visual change that my friends and work coleagues know. If something like this might work with your daughter try to suggest she wears a distinctive something so that you can know when she is struggling and support her, without her having to actually say she is finding things difficult. My suggestion would be a light scalf, something she can wear summer or winter, that will look like a fashion item. Only you two need to know what it means. 

    I hope this helps

    Thanks Fun Louise 

    Lucky we know it's not because of bulimia as last month she had her braces removed so she had been visiting the dentist every 3-6 months, Something I have learnt now never thought about the dentist if she was making herself being sick, that was one of the tough parts when we were making her eat, making sure she wasn't making herself sick after eating.

    That's a great idea about wearing something when she feels she is struggling if she doesn't feel comfortable talking. Thank You. 

    Thanks Knight : I hope we get her back to normal as soon as we can. 

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