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  1. Managing a Delicate Situation

    1523879304
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Having put to bed the stalker ( perhaps wrong expresion ) , got rid of the stalker we think we have a more delicate problem now to manage .

    First of all Mrs M knows about everything I am going to post here as we dont keep secrets from each other .

    We have quite a few close friends including couples and some single ladies who are either divorced or seperated that we bump into at the club we frequent on Saturday nights.

    We think one of these single ladies has taken a shine to me and whilst nothing has been said verbally, body language and the eyes indicate otherwise. When we met on Saturday I received a very tight squeeze which was something I wasn't expecting in a greeting and a kiss of which I turned my head just in time for it to land on my cheek as I would do to her . Likewise when we were leaving at the end she embraced me and a wondering hand went up my shirt for a squeeze. The starry and glazed eyes I have had from her for the past couple of weeks ,which are indicative that she has a bit of a crush on me . Obviously I dont want her to fall for me as both me and my Mrs know she had been hurt very badly in the past and she has always said she is saving herself for someone special .She does and we both feel she deserve better. Unfortunately for her this cannot and will not be me . So I need to do something in the short term to stop this situation escalating . I am looking for ideas on how to manage the dialogue to let her down slowly and gently ensuring nobody gets hurt.

    We will have a bit of bit of breathing space as we will be going more local this coming Saturday as we are attending a Northern Soul Charity event on the Sunday starting late in the afternnon the following day.So we both need to be fresh for this event and not zombified.

    So basically I am lookng for ideas on what to say here on our next visit should the same sequence of events happen again .

    Thanks in anticipation.

    1523880248
    Boomplus [sign in to see picture]
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    Just have your mrs by your side. Let her see how much in love you two are. Maybe seeing you two together and in love will send her the message you are taken and happily

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    Tazzy84red [sign in to see picture]
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    What kind of club is it if u don't mind me asking just so I can get full picture? Is it a swinging club.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Boomplus wrote:

    Just have your mrs by your side. Let her see how much in love you two are. Maybe seeing you two together and in love will send her the message you are taken and happily

    This is the bit I dont get. She already knows all of this and she has said many times of how good we look together. This lady is someone we have known now and been friends with for over 2 years . So obviously we know of her background and she knows ours. I think its one of those things when a persons emotions and feelings start taking over and we both think she has reached this stage. So I think its going to have to be a very delicate discussion to avoid anyone getting hurt.

    So what I am looking for is basically what to say without it coming accross as cold or clumsy.

    Thanks for your input.

    1523881033
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Tazzy84red wrote:

    What kind of club is it if u don't mind me asking just so I can get full picture? Is it a swinging club.

    No ! If it was, that would simplify things a little , I think?! As touching would be allowed .

    Its just a cabaret club where acts appear. Its really the only club in the town that caters for the 40+ age bracket. It really is a good night out and one we dont want to give up . Many of our friends go there and this is were we meet.

    1523881157
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    The only thing I can compare this situation to is a schooolgirl crush except she is 50 .

    1523882116
    Tazzy84red [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok sorry didn't mean to jump the gun there just wanted to get full picture.

    Me and hubby are surrounded by singles with both my friends and his. We have 2 had 2 situations 1st with one of hubbys friend.

    So me and hubby had be together around 5 years and a load of us went out for the night I got on really well with 1 of his friends who had a bad brake up 6 months before hand. This night he was quite full on with me kept rubbing my arm or back when talking told me he always liked me and we have a connection ECT. I knew he took the brake up for his ex real bad so sat him down and told him I thought he was a lovely person and that he was a really good friend to me and hubby and I'd love nothing more than to see him in a good relationship and told him if me and hubby can help him find someone.
    He got the point and backed off and his never tried anything since and we r still good friends.

    Other was 1 of my friends really took a shine to hubby as she's on her own single mum to 3 and the ex is as useful as a chocolate t pot. So she wanted to sell her house but needed to do some decorating 1st so hubby said he would help her as she didn't have alot of money he managed to get some supplies from his work to help her keep costs down. Well we both helped her and the last day hubby popped round to finish a few bits and she was all dolled up and started flirting with him he quickly left as his not good with Confrontation like that and told me about it. He wanted me to talk to her but I know she would have been mortified so I helped him send a text.
    Basically saying I know your going through a rough time I'm very sorry if I've given you the impression we could be anything other than friends. I'm happily married and could never be unfaithful. You are a lovely person and Mr right is just round the corner.


    These might help you. Also maybe when your at a night out with your wife and she is there simple things like saying I'm such a lucky man look how beautiful my wife is. ECT but without putting her down. And even reminiscing with her about how lovely she is and your a lucky guy ECT.

    Hope you get things sorted

    1523882696
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Tazzy84red wrote:

    Ok sorry didn't mean to jump the gun there just wanted to get full picture.

    Me and hubby are surrounded by singles with both my friends and his. We have 2 had 2 situations 1st with one of hubbys friend.

    So me and hubby had be together around 5 years and a load of us went out for the night I got on really well with 1 of his friends who had a bad brake up 6 months before hand. This night he was quite full on with me kept rubbing my arm or back when talking told me he always liked me and we have a connection ECT. I knew he took the brake up for his ex real bad so sat him down and told him I thought he was a lovely person and that he was a really good friend to me and hubby and I'd love nothing more than to see him in a good relationship and told him if me and hubby can help him find someone.
    He got the point and backed off and his never tried anything since and we r still good friends.

    Other was 1 of my friends really took a shine to hubby as she's on her own single mum to 3 and the ex is as useful as a chocolate t pot. So she wanted to sell her house but needed to do some decorating 1st so hubby said he would help her as she didn't have alot of money he managed to get some supplies from his work to help her keep costs down. Well we both helped her and the last day hubby popped round to finish a few bits and she was all dolled up and started flirting with him he quickly left as his not good with Confrontation like that and told me about it. He wanted me to talk to her but I know she would have been mortified so I helped him send a text.
    Basically saying I know your going through a rough time I'm very sorry if I've given you the impression we could be anything other than friends. I'm happily married and could never be unfaithful. You are a lovely person and Mr right is just round the corner.


    These might help you. Also maybe when your at a night out with your wife and she is there simple things like saying I'm such a lucky man look how beautiful my wife is. ECT but without putting her down. And even reminiscing with her about how lovely she is and your a lucky guy ECT.

    Hope you get things sorted

    That is very helpful . There are things in both examples we could use . I think posting those examples must have taken a bit of courage as well as its bringing your past up of which you have had to get over. So thanks for that.

    It would have been perhaps much easier if we didnt know the lady but having her has a friend complicates things somewhat of which I think you appreciate as your examples have some similarity.

    The easy way out would be to walk away but neither of us want that as its a great place to socialise,drink and dance etc.

    Thanks again

    1523883332
    Tazzy84red [sign in to see picture]
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    It was harder with my friend as she had almost planned it. Where as my hubbys friend we put it down to him being drunk and was a 1 off.

    I did however have a night out with my friend a month or so later and she got really drunk and confused what she did. She didn't know i knew. I told her I understand as I knew how lonely she has been ECT. We r still friends as we are all capable of acting out of character and can make mistakes when we are low.

    To be fair the fact both me and hubby are very open with each other is a strong point and both of us know we wouldn't stray from each other. Although at 1 point I did want to punch her but I knew she didn't do it to hurt me she just see a lovely man and feelings took over.

    It's a hard 1 but I'm sure you will get there. And being able to do it with help of your wife is half the job done. Wishing you luck x

    1523884056
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Tazzy84red wrote:

    It was harder with my friend as she had almost planned it. Where as my hubbys friend we put it down to him being drunk and was a 1 off.

    I did however have a night out with my friend a month or so later and she got really drunk and confused what she did. She didn't know i knew. I told her I understand as I knew how lonely she has been ECT. We r still friends as we are all capable of acting out of character and can make mistakes when we are low.

    To be fair the fact both me and hubby are very open with each other is a strong point and both of us know we wouldn't stray from each other. Although at 1 point I did want to punch her but I knew she didn't do it to hurt me she just see a lovely man and feelings took over.

    It's a hard 1 but I'm sure you will get there. And being able to do it with help of your wife is half the job done. Wishing you luck x

    Thanks for being so open. For me its been a strange phenomenon . Upto the point before I lost weight I was probably very average looking for my age and didnt attract a lot of interest from the opposite sex . Loosing weight has altered my looks as weight was lost from my face as well. People think I am in my 40s when I am in my 50s and this has attracted a fair amount of interest. Even my wife thinks I am a better looking 50 odd year old than I was when I was younger . Most of the interest I can handle but it gets very tricky when close friernds are involved . It has been a big learning curve and this situation will be a first time.

    1523887069
    Lovehoney - Jess Wilde [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you are reading WAY too much into the situation.

    If giving someone a tight squeeze on arrival/departure and having starry eyes is indicative of one person falling for another, then I might just lock myself indoors for fear that people will take my friendliness as me falling in love.

    From my perspective, there are three possibilities here:

    1) You/you and your wife like the idea of other people being attracted to one/both of you and so look for the smallest signal to satisfy your kink.
    If it's a turn on for you and your partner to imagine that other peope are into you, then that's (obviously) fine, and you can continue living out this fantasy without involving other people.
    In option 1, the only reason for it to become a delicate situation is if you involve other people/tell the friend.
    What should you do? Share the fantasy with your wife and explore it as you desire. Make false scenarios to support your fantasy and enhance role play and turn little thing (like a peck on the cheek) into big plotlines in your roleplay that enhance the fantasy. I'd recommend using a stranger as your 'pawn' though, to reduce the risk of damaging your friendship.

    2) You're seeing something which isn't there.
    It could be as a result of alcohol. Perhaps your drunken mind is seeing signals which don't exist? Or your friends inebriation is leading to her acting slightly more provocatively/flirty than usual due to lowered inhibitions? But this doesn't mean she has any real intent or meaning behind her actions.
    You mention body language a lot in your posts, which makes me think you must have studied it too? In which case, you'll know as well as I do how drugs and alcohol affect body language: both the person emitting the body language, and the ability of those deciphering it.
    Nothing can be taken at face value when booze is involved.
    (And as we ALL know booze = glazed eyes!)

    Or the above could be as a result of your friend being single. If she's recently single, there's a good change she's testing / relearning her flirting skills and is choosing to do it within a safe/low risk environment. How so? Firstly, you're a friend so the risk of flirtation leading to sexual assault is much lower and you're married, therefore making you unavailable and low-risk flirting target (especially as she's friends with both of you).
    If that's the case, then her freedom is having a similar impact to alcohol and is making her act more flirty. However chances are she still has no intentions behind her actions. In fact, if you were available/interested/a stranger, she would likely look for another, more safe option for flirting practice.
    What should you do? Stop looking for signals which aren't there, and spend more time focussed on being present in the moment rather than analysing body language. Understanding body language can be an advantage to a point. Beyond that and it starts damaging your communication skills. Imagine if we decided to focus all of our energy on using our ears to communicate, and discounted sight. It would have a massive impact on our ability to converse easily. By spending too much time watching body language, and not enough on all of the other layers of communication, you're doing the same thing.

    3) Your friend really does have a thing for you and is acting inappropriately.
    You need to put a stop to it. The only behaviour which you've described which rings alarm bells with me is the "hand under shirt" move. If this is unusual and unexpected behaviour, and you're uncomfortable with someone doing that, then you need to say so. No delicacy required. This comes down to respect and consent.
    If someone did that to me, they'd get a firm shove and a serious talking to, regardless of my history with them. The only reason to be polite about that sort of behaviour would be if you actually want them to carry on doing said behaviour (which from your comments it seems you don't want.)
    What should you do? If this happens again, you grab your friends hand and remove it from your body, look them dead in the eye and tell them that zone is for you and your wife only. If they persist, they are not your friend. If they are your friend, they'll be mortified at the fact they've overstepped a boundary and will likely shuffle away with their tail between their legs.

    In all three scenarios, I see no reason to tread delicately. 1 & 2 are harmless and require no action. If anything, it is you and your wife hwo is potentially creating the delicate situation. And in scenario 3, the only optin is to go in guns blazing (unless you want the behaviour to continue). 

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    One is definately not the case . The attraction I do get is far from welcomed as its caused a lot of work for both of us and it is something I have had to learn to deal with. If I was single then that would be a different .To appreciate the transformation since my weight loss you would need to see the before and after pictures.

    Two- Neither of us drink that much and I can assure you that I have never been drunk nor intend getting so. So stating that I have a "Drunken Mind" is a little strong and perhaps a little OTT .I can't speak for the other party though so you may be correct on that point. Your correct I have studied body language but still consider myself a novice and in the past admitted to sending out conflicting siganls but that is down to my niavety. That I have stopped and just send more defensive type siganls such as folding of the arms .

    Three - I think is near to the point . However I still think I am going with what Tazzy has recommended . I am sure that this is the right way to go ie the softly softly approach .However I will discuss your more hardline approach with my Mrs first . As it is her friend more than mine .

    Thanks for your input and really do appreciated what you have posted appart from the comment about my drunken mind ! Lol. I actually dont drink more than about 6 units of alcohol and would be hypocritical of me if I did. My Mrs a 3/4 bottle of wine at the most. The remainder of the wine she smuggles out in her handbag! We tend to sandwich the drinks with Diet Coke or similar Pepsi versions. My drinking of alcohol is slowly going down and intend reducing it further in the future.Like I said before I perfer to keep in control of my actions.

    I had to read it twice as first time I took it as a personal swipe at me but having read it twice I was wrong and what you have posted is quite relevant and helpful in some areas. So a big thank you again .

    1523891790
    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the wonderful jess has summed this up, your friend probably feels quite comfortable giving a tight hug etc as she knows your happy and comfortable in your relationship. I would totally just forget it happened and avoid any awkward situations to not upset your partner or yourself such as being alone with the other girl.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    LIL_KNOWN69 wrote:

    I think the wonderful jess has summed this up, your friend probably feels quite comfortable giving a tight hug etc as she knows your happy and comfortable in your relationship. I would totally just forget it happened and avoid any awkward situations to not upset your partner or yourself such as being alone with the other girl.

    Jess has summed it up quite well in most parts. That I most agree on.and very grateful for . The area that needs addressing is the hand up the shirt . If I did that to a woman in there I am sure I would be frog marched out by the doormen. That is unacceptable behaviour as Jess has quite rightly pointed out and its this really that needs to be sorted. Yes it could have been fuelled by alcohol but I think its sometihing that we need to sort out for next time. The point that was missed as well is that she aimed a kiss at my lips. It was only me turning my head that it landed on my cheek instead.

    So I cant forget it , I really do need to nip this in the bud .

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    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think with alcohol and a party atmosphere people do stupid stuff, and if the other girl is friendly and knows you guys then she might have dropped some boundaries. As you rightly said it is wrong she put her hand up your top and on nights out I would have females do the same to me and it seems absolutely fine and a laugh, when it actually made me feel really uncomfortable. But it’s the same as some people find it okay to wolf whistle girls etc, it’s behaviour which is unacceptable but people are old fashioned and still are moronic to think it’s okay.
    With this whole situation, however much it’s stressed you and made you feel uncomfortable I see you have two choices. Nip it in the bud and ignore it, the female friend probably won’t even remember by next weekend, or speak to the female in question and just tell her that you are happy and felt slightly uncomfortable. They are difficult choices to deal with but either way you won’t move on until you let it go :)

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    LIL_KNOWN69 wrote:

    I think with alcohol and a party atmosphere people do stupid stuff, and if the other girl is friendly and knows you guys then she might have dropped some boundaries. As you rightly said it is wrong she put her hand up your top and on nights out I would have females do the same to me and it seems absolutely fine and a laugh, when it actually made me feel really uncomfortable. But it’s the same as some people find it okay to wolf whistle girls etc, it’s behaviour which is unacceptable but people are old fashioned and still are moronic to think it’s okay.
    With this whole situation, however much it’s stressed you and made you feel uncomfortable I see you have two choices. Nip it in the bud and ignore it, the female friend probably won’t even remember by next weekend, or speak to the female in question and just tell her that you are happy and felt slightly uncomfortable. They are difficult choices to deal with but either way you won’t move on until you let it go :)

    Thanks mate . Thats what I intend doing next time we are in. If it wasnt for our taxi waiting I would have sorted out there and then .

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    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Well we all have each others backs, sometimes it’s good to hear it from others. Just don’t let it ruin your week as it’s not worth it, First bit of sun for ages so go out with the missus and enjoy it!

    1523897108
    P H [sign in to see picture]
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    I have to admit I never have had to worry about this although my late wife would read situations as if I did. I think the first thing to remember is that you are clearly in a good relationship with your wife, and this woman knows that. I personally think that her making advances on you with this knowledge is really an unpleasant attitude to your wife and unfair on you by creating that dilemma. So by all means consider her feelings but put you and your wife as the first consideration. If there is something either of you say and do that gives a different impression, nip it in the bud and show how strong you are. She should get the message, if all fails remember that in a who should I choose situation you would pick the wife and if this woman doesn't like that then she needs to find a way to deal with it.

    1523911976
    Mr Pheebs [sign in to see picture]
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    Stick some fly paper on your chest, that’ll give her a shock....

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Mr Pheebs wrote:

    Stick some fly paper on your chest, that’ll give her a shock....

    Good idea or just tuck my shirt in next time .Joking apart I have had a chat with the Mrs and I will take Jess', option 3 and take the more hardline approach if there is any repetition .What's more as we know the mangeress very well ,like the stalker I will get her removed as well. I am getting fed up of playing the Mr Nice guy in these situations as these type of incidents are just spoiling our night out and I just don't need that on top of everything else at the moment.

    Maybe as we are not going to this club  this Saturday things may just cool down although I am not holding my breath.

    Many thanks everyone for the constructive views and ideas .

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