1. Christmas Competition - write me a story?

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    Ian Chimp [sign in to see picture]
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    As the sacks of toys were loaded onto the sleigh an excited chattering could be heard through the thin walls of each wrapping-clad box. "It's tonight!", "Tonight is here at last!", "I'm so freaking excited!", "I can't wait to be under a tree!" The toys were clearly very, very excited.

    And it didn't end there. They kept talking in the sleigh, and they kept talking as they took off. And they kept talking as they flew towards the bright lights and warm fires of the welcoming Christmas chimneys and the waiting Christmas Trees.

    They talked all over Asia, and they talked all over Africa, and they talked from the tip of South America all the way to the top of the Canadian Yukon. They were still talking as they flew over Australia (and New Zealand), and they kept on talking from Ireland to Iberia, Sweden to Serbia, Poland to Penzance, and everywhere and anywhere inbetween.

    But as each gift was delivered there was one less voice to be heard, and as the night drew on there were fewer, and fewer, and fewer. Until there was just one voice left...

    "Hello?" he asked, "Hello?" But there was no answer. After a while he started to become a little worried. Where had all the other toys gone? Could they all have been delivered already? And if they had why had he been left behind? The more he thought about it the more worried he became. It all it got a bit too much for him and he began to cry softly, with big fat tears rolling down his rippled face.

    Santa heard this gentle weeping and pulled the box from the sack and sat it next to him on the seat of the sleigh. "Don't cry," he said kindly, as he peeled off the wrapping paper. "There's no need to cry. For tonight is Christmas Eve, and the world is full to bursting of magic and good fortune. Tell me, little one, what has upset you so?"

    "Oh Santa," the toy sighed, "It was so quiet and lonely back there all on my own. I thought you'd forgotten about me, and it made me so very sad." His eyes filled with tears once more, and his bottom lip began to tremble.

    "Ho, Ho, Ho! There's no need to fear." Santa said comfortingly in his deep, rich voice. "You, my little friend, are the most special toy of all, for you are my toy." he continued, pulling him closer to him on the seat.

    "Oh Santa! That's the best thing I could ever hear!", he said, as his little ribbed chest swelled with pride.

    "Merry Christmas American Bombshell!"

    "Merry Christmas Santa!"

    "And Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" Santa declared. And with the tinkling of bells, and the sound of hooves hitting sky, away they were gone...

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    Ian Chimp [sign in to see picture]
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    There once was an elf who worked incredibly hard all year long, sorting out just the right toy for each of the good girls and boys. It was a hard job, but one she enjoyed very much, and one she was very good at too (and everybody knew it).

    As a reward for being such an exceptional elf Santa said to her one day, "All my elves are so hard-working and industrious, they all do a wonderful job of keeping this magical place magical, but you are something quite special. You, my delightful little friend, are a top shelf elf of the finest calibre, and so as a reward you may choose one toy from my Special Vault."

    She was so excited. Santa's Vault was where only the very best toys were kept. Each imbued with a touch of magic all of its own. And only the very best of the very best elves were allowed to go inside, let alone choose a toy to keep.

    "Follow me." said Santa, and so she did.

    And there it was, a joyous, most wondrous sight. She walked beneath the magnificent arched wooden gate, passed the reindeer statues and frozen fountains, and into the vault proper. It looked like a cross between the Lindt product development kitchen and the room the BFG stores all the captured dreams in.

    "And here we are." said Santa, "You may choose any toy you wish, my well-deserving little friend."

    The little elf cast her eyes across the vast, cavernous rows-upon-rows of shelves feeling very small in a place so big. But she was drawn ever closer to one particular shelf. There was a strange sensation to it, almost like she could hear singing just out of earshot. The closer she got, the louder she could hear the singing. And the louder she heard the singing the more it sang to her soul. Closer and closer she got, until...

    "Oh, you are just perfect." she said, with awe in her eyes, "You, I choose you, you beautiful creature."

    "And I choose you." it replied.

    And she reached out and picked it up, and clutched it close to her breast as if it were already her most treasured possession.

    "Thank you Santa, thank you so much!" she exclaimed breathlessly.

    "No, thank you." Santa replied, "You have most definitely earned it."

    And with that he was gone. The little elf rushed home immediately with her new found friend, and ran up the stairs. She threw off her clothes and climbed into bed. Holding the toy she couldn't hide the delight in her eyes, and the toy gazed back with the same adoration. A bond was there, and they both could feel it.

    "I love you Brenna." said the toy.

    "I love you too Vibey McVibeface." she replied.

    And they snuggled down in her little elf bed to enjoy all the warmth and love of Kissmas together. And then Boxing Day. And New Year. And pretty much every day forever after (and twice on Sundays).

    The End

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    Jay13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Once upon a time in the land of magic and pleasure called Lovehoney there were a few toys who had been chosen for a special adventure but now they just lay around in a desk taking up space wondering what will happen to them next. They waited for a long time starting to lose hope that they might find the perfect friend to give them love and a home. Then a beautiful and very clever member of staff at lovehoney decided to run a write a story competition at Christmas time. The toys helped read the stories and choose the winner's. Now they had a new box and a postal address their excitement grew as they started a ww adventure and fulfilled their desire for pleasure with new families.

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    Ian Chimp [sign in to see picture]
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    The Day the Toys Quit

    Dear Emily,

    I'm not very happy. You bought me, used me once, and threw me in the back of your wardrobe. It's nearly Christmas and we've not hooked up since Easter. I really expected more from you. And if you think you can turn me on after treating me like that you've got another thing coming.

    Yours regretfully, Rabbit

    Dear Emily,

    At first I loved being your favourite, but I'm really sorry to say that I just can't take it any more. I'm so very tired. I don't think I have the same enthusiasm as I used to, or the stamina. I'm sorry, I didn't want to let you down, especially at this time of year. I just don't have the strength to carry on.

    Yours faithfully, Bullet

    Dear Emily,

    I don't know if it's your crap phone or your shitty Wi-Fi, but I just don't feel as connected as we should be. You know where I am. Call me.

    Yours intermittently, App-controlled Love Egg

    Dear Emily,

    I haven't really got any complaints, but I will also be going on strike as a gesture of solidarity.

    Yours reliably, Glass Dildo

    As Emily began to read these notes one of her eyebrows arched a little, then her eyes narrowed, and then she let a long breath from her nose. She went straight up to her room, collected all her toys together on the bed, and then boxed all the ungrateful little buggers up to return them (even Glass Dildo as he'd clearly got quite a chip on his shoulder). And as she'd had them less than a year Lovehoney replaced them all just in time for Christmas. Happy holidays indeed! 🙂

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    PCC [sign in to see picture]
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    I was cold. It was dark. I was being elevated, jiggled even. When I heard a knock, followed by a muffled conversation, then silence.

    Scissor tips slowly protruded before my very eyes permitting a shard of light, blinding me temporarily before permeating heat misted my cellophane enclosed view to gasps of ‘Oh wow Roxy, you are perfect’.

    Much rustling followed by relaxation of my restraints, a slow hand brushed through my hair, again the voice spoke ‘..why the resemblance to Susanna Reid is quite remarkable…’

    My vision fell upon a curvaceous middle-aged woman with beaming white teeth, beautiful blue eyes and long blonde hair.

    Last Christmas echoed from the kitchen as she eased me out and placed me onto the sofa standing back to further admire my long fingers, soft feet, long flexible legs and ample bosom with pert nipples.

    Stepping in and crouching closer she ran a perfectly manicured finger across my lips towards my neck, then across my collar bone and down the curvature of my arm.

    ‘Mmmm, so lifelike and smooth’ she muttered running further in the direction of my naval before placing both hands upon my thighs and looking into my eyes.

    Lifting a finger to her own lips she gazed longingly, then down at my groin as I became aware of the sweetly spiced festive aromas emanating the room.

    She began to run the back of her hand along her own jaw line before slowly and thoughtfully fiddling with her necklace.

    Flipping me over she rested my chin on the head cushions and I felt her eyes glide down my back, over my beautiful rounded buttocks towards my cute little butt hole.

    Bleep - Bleep, Bleep - Bleep. The oven alarm interrupted her thoughts as she looked at her watch and turned to find her husband, aged parents and local clergyman all stood agog in the doorway.

    ‘Oh, err, hi love, mum, dad, Father Dawson’ she said ‘…..the damn fairy has finally arrived Dave……..it’s fair to say it’s a bit bigger than we were expecting……. now, who would care for a drink?’

    I think I’m going to fit in well around here. Home Sweet Home and a very Merry Christmas.

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    etc28 [sign in to see picture]
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    Trapped in plastic and wrapping paper, I wait for the special day when I am opened to the sounds of gasps and giggles. At last I am in my new happy home and with my new batteries fully charged I am ready to spread Christmas joy. My motors buzz, my rabbit ears shake and with screams of delight I say Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

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    Ian Chimp [sign in to see picture]
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    There are some really good stories on here. Well done everyone. 🙂👍 I honestly don't know how they're going to pick a winner.

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    FunnyMonkey [sign in to see picture]
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    Poor old little Bobby Butt Plug was abandoned soon after birth, his owner dismissing him as being ‘just too small’ without ever giving him a chance. He spent his early years moving from place to place, taking temporary work as a novelty coat hook or simply propping up a bar stool somewhere.

    Bobby wished and wished that he could just find somewhere to belong until finally, one Christmas, he heard a voice call out ‘Ho Ho Ho’. Bobby looked up and saw Santa riding a sleigh through the air towards him. Eventually the procession of famous and lesser known reindeer came to a stop by Bobby and Santa stepped out of his sleigh.

    Santa, seeing that little Bobby was a bit sad popped him on his lap asked Bobby what he wanted for Christmas. Bobby replied that he wanted to find a place to call home. Santa pondered the request for a moment, asked if he’d been a good little plug (Bobby naturally felt that he had, barring one unfortunate incident) and then granted his Christmas wish. Santa asked if Bobby would like to ride his sleigh tonight and then live with Mr and Mrs Claus, plugging a hole in their hearts and other orifices they never realised they had until that night.

    Bobby found his forever home and the three of them lived happily ever after.

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    CurvyJilly34F [sign in to see picture]
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    Here I am all wrapped in shiny gold paper gold ribbon matching bow and gift tag simply written "Enjoy the Magic...Mark"...Boy do I look smart on the outer...wait till she opens me up...he told me she's been after getting her hands on one like me for a while now...feels like I've been wrapped up forever...six weeks and counting till I'm opened... Hey hun...where's the special gift I bought you?? Babe...nothing left under the tree what are you on about?? The gold present...no gold present...where is it then?? Where is it...where the hell did I put it after I wrapped it??? Oh shit!! Please don't say it got picked up with them...gold paper oh god I'm gonna die of embarrassment... Fast forward 6 hours...The in-laws arrive for Christmas dinner...Hey Mark my new owner says...thanks for the amazing Christmas present...didn't know you cared...best orgasms ever this morning...a magic wand for Christmas. Our secret...she winks...So it looks like love honey will be getting another magic wand order...spread the joy n all...Merry Christmas...

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    Ryo1998 [sign in to see picture]
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    Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were pulled up the thighs with care, With a matching bralette she loved to wear; The children were nestled unawares in their beds; While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads; And mamma in her hosiery, and I in my 'suit, Had just cosied up, yet had to be mute, When from under the tree arose such a rumble, I sprang from my perch with a bit of a tumble. Away to the tree I proceeded with care, As the rumbles continued, rocking the chair. The moon on the breast of my fair lady, Shone a ray 'neath the tree to a place once shady, When what to my wondering eyes did appear, But a gift wrapped in gold just sitting here, With a little quiver, I knew with glee, A gift from Lovehoney for you and for me. I unwrapped the long smooth shaft with haste, Flicked on the switch, aimed below the waist: Came, Once! And, Twice! Then Thrice and Four! Five, then six, then seven and more! To the top of the porch! to the end of the hall! Then twice on the bed and once on the wall! The toy was pleased, "a new home I found!, I'll be played with forever!", yet making no sound, "Inside, outside, at dinner or such, I'm so very happy you love me so much!", At the end of the night, startled by a shout, Jolly St Lovehoney was out and about, "The naughty list is very long this year, I've yet many people to leave with cheer, So many toys to deliver, I must alight, Merry Sexmas to all, and to all a hot night"

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    MsR [sign in to see picture]
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    24th Dec 2019

    Dear Santa Claus,

    I am writing in response to the letter sent by your legal representative, ref: ‘Santa Clause is Coming to Town’, and from which I quote:

    Suffice it to say, I am unimpressed by your Christmas manifesto.

    MsR.

    Santa, the CEO Elf and the Solicitor Reindeer read the letter with dismay, then concern, then agitation…

    ‘Right – what have we got?’

    ‘Throw it all at her’

    ‘Violence won’t help’

    ‘No – throw all the good stuff at her!

    ‘Yes! Great idea – this woman needs orgasms’

    ‘Right – what have we got?’

    ‘What is she into? Rudolf – check that out’

    ‘OK, let’s cover all bases. A Desire Bullet. A Mantric Wand. A Rabbit – anything over £80 should cover it… Fifty Shades of anything?... A glass something  – make it sparkly. Add something shiny, too. Butt plug? Not sure – maybe a generous voucher instead? Or as well?’

    ‘Right – get it all out to her, Gift wrapped’

    ‘Fix her up with the man of her dreams too – oh, she’s got one, ok – fix her up with a year’s supply of massage oil and a babydoll’

    ‘There’s the orgasmobile to fit in sports cars, but that’s still in production…’

    ‘Speed up production… get one out to her’

    ‘She hasn’t got a sports car…’

    ‘She gets one on Christmas day, orgasmobile as standard’

    ‘Won’t she see that as a bribe?’

    ‘Tell her it’s to test… she can keep it in return for an honest review’.

    1577817613
    MsR [sign in to see picture]
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    That didn't post properly - half of it is missing... I'll try again later...

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    MsR [sign in to see picture]
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    24th Dec 2019

    Dear Santa Claus,

    I am writing in response to the letter sent by your legal representative, ref: ‘Santa Clause is Coming to Town’, and from which I quote:

    ‘You better watch out, you better not cry’: my therapist’s professional view is that I should resist all blackmail attempts and that emotional states should be recognised and validated, so I will cry if I want to, and no, I am not going to be on constant watch because given our recent correspondence I doubt your sleigh will be coming my way.

    ‘You are making a list and checking it twice’: in my opinion you need to employ a better PA. You are supposed to be the ‘ideas guy’ – leave the detail to someone with better organisational skills. Like an Elf.

    ‘You are going to find out who’s naughty and nice’: I am both, so you can tick that box. But I think that might be a typo because later your letter says, ‘he knows if you’ve been good or bad’ which I think reveals your true intent. I suggest you talk to your spin doctors about these empty slogans.

    ‘You are coming to town’: Great. I live in a city and my brother lives in a village. I guess intellectual elites and artisan craftsmen have no place in your nationwide project this Christmas?

    ‘You know when I’m sleeping and when I’m awake’: As we are not involved intimately I find this comment rather creepy. I’m considering taking out a restraining order.

    ‘So be good for goodness sake’: I will not respond to threats, online or otherwise.

    Suffice it to say, I am unimpressed by your Christmas manifesto.

    MsR.

    Santa, the CEO Elf and the Solicitor Reindeer read the letter with dismay, then concern, then agitation…

    ‘Right – what have we got?’

    ‘Throw it all at her’

    ‘Violence won’t help’

    ‘No – throw all the good stuff at her!

    ‘Yes! Great idea – this woman needs orgasms’

    ‘Right – what have we got?’

    ‘What is she into? Rudolf – check that out’

    ‘OK, let’s cover all bases. A Desire Bullet. A Mantric Wand. A Rabbit – anything over £80 should cover it… Fifty Shades of anything?... A glass something  – make it sparkly. Add something shiny, too. Butt plug? Not sure – maybe a generous voucher instead? Or as well?’

    ‘Right – get it all out to her, Gift wrapped’

    ‘Fix her up with the man of her dreams too – oh, she’s got one, ok – fix her up with a year’s supply of massage oil and a babydoll’

    ‘There’s the orgasmobile to fit in sports cars, but that’s still in production…’

    ‘Speed up production… get one out to her’

    ‘She hasn’t got a sports car…’

    ‘She gets one on Christmas day, orgasmobile as standard’

    ‘Won’t she see that as a bribe?’

    ‘Tell her it’s to test… she can keep it in return for an honest review’.

    1577817985
    MsR [sign in to see picture]
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    MsR wrote:

    That didn't post properly - half of it is missing... I'll try again later...

    Ignore the story above - the correct version is below :-)

    1577840265
    FunnyMonkey [sign in to see picture]
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    Having studied hard at LH university I was excited to be told that I would be graduating and was being sent out to my new home. To be meet my new family on the most magical day of the year, Christmas no less! I wished goodbye to my friends, Dildo Dave and Fiona Fleshlight, before heading off with Santa.

    Santa was certainly rotund and had a lovely grey beard but I didn't expect the van ride. I was hoping for a sleigh! Rudolf was clearly having a bad day. Eventually, I felt myself being placed under a Christmas tree and was so excited! New home here I am I thought!

    When Christmas arrived I heard the patter of feet and felt myself being lifted up and given to my new owners. Hearing the tearing of paper I gave a little buzz of excitement. A small head peered over, turned to their parents and said 'this isn't the wand they use at Hogwarts?!'

    I was so excited to finally be in my forever home!

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    Jay13 [sign in to see picture]
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    The big suction didlo with remote and his brothers all sat on the shelf for a while, nothing happened they watched lovehoney staff pick and pack other toys but it was never any of them. They all waited for their magical moment but it never came. There had started to be rumours of a festive season and a new year, but still nothing happened they just watched as the stock room emptied and still they sat waiting. As they began to loose hope and the festivity due to an end a lovehoney employee whispered to them dont give up hope I have a plan to see you all find a home sweet home to call your own. As new year day was started with a bang, they saw a sign that the lovehoney 60% sale had began. As they looked closer they couldn't believe that they had been chosen to be the poster toy this year. In the coming days they rushed of the shelfs to find homes and be told what a bargain they had been. The had moved their new partners so much that the reviews came rushing in. The suction cup dildo and his friends at lovehoney never had any problems findjng6true love again. The end.

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    PHJH [sign in to see picture]
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    There was a poor dildo always sat on a shelf, a beast of a unit, much larger than an elf. Veiny and stiff upon high he sat, in the dead of night no one passed but a cat. He wanted to be good and give someone much joy, but nobody cared no girl and no boy. Til one fateful night he clicked on his deep throb, people around all stood up like a mob. He vibrated and shook to attract people to come, he shouted "I'm great in your vagina and bum". People started to whisper, converse and chat, then someone arrived in red and all fat. His beard fluffy and soft and white as the snow, the man wrapped the dildo in a pretty red bow. The dildo was lifted down from the shelf, a gift for Mrs Claus or maybe himself. Santa did know the dildo had a nack, to release all his sperm from his great bulging sack. When chosen by someone who knows what to do, the dildo became great and was made such a coo. Now everyone wants this vibrating knob, he gives such pleasure he does a good job. All of his kind are wrapped and under the tree, a great Christmas present for you and for me. So show off your throb you don't know who will pass, then you'll be given access to a vagina or arse. And everyone one knows that is something we crave, especially at Christmas you just have to be brave. So just be yourself and catch someone's eye, as it is christmas you may get a Christmas cream pie. Merry Christmas Lovehoney, keep bringing sexual happiness to all...

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    MsR [sign in to see picture]
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    The glass wand was quite surprised to find herself hanging from a Christmas tree… not what she expected when her box was opened, albeit to great delight.

    ‘I’m sure I should be somewhere dark and warm, not bright and light,’ she thought, suspiciously eyeing up the fairly lights, ‘they are not usually here!’

    She looked around. ‘Goodness me! This whole tree is decorated with toys like me!’

    The other glass dildos twinkled back, reflecting the colours of the Christmas tree lights.

    ‘Blimey – someone is brave!’ she thought.

    Then she nestled back into the branches with her friends, wondering what would happen next.

    Several things happened next…

    ‘Welcome to tea, vicar!’

    ‘What a lovely tree MsR – lovely ornaments’

    ‘Well, they are pretty and we like to be original!’ MsR ignored that fact that he pocketed one.

    ‘Welcome to tea, Mum!’

    ‘What a lovely tree – bit tacky though, not quite thought out your colour scheme? Did you just get the baubles from that mega store?’

    ‘They are just a bit niche…’ MsR noticed that mum didn’t pocket one.

    ‘Welcome to tea, Great Aunt Ada!’

    ‘What a lovely tree – glass dildos? I haven’t had a new one in ages… I’m so glad you enjoyed your birthday Lovehoney voucher, dearie!’ MsR noticed that quite a few ‘baubles’ were missing from the tree after Great Aunt Ada’s visit…

    1577920720
    FunnyMonkey [sign in to see picture]
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    The Uprize Suction Dildo had been working like mad in the pre-Christmas rush. He knew it would be hard work but wasn't prepared for the lifestyle associated with being a deluxe toy required.

    "I simply can't handle many more photo shoots" he thought, lamenting the requests to show a particular side or position. He didn't mind the video demonstrations (it was always nice to meet a fan) but the fact that a steady stream of anonymous internet users were posting critical reviews of his appearance was difficult, let alone the objectification. They even commented on the noises he made while performing!

    'Still, it's my own fault for googling myself" he thought, wondering whether he should really have set up that fake account to offer praise and disparage the haters on the LH forum. He knew he needed to find a partner and an escape from the spotlight.

    A polite cough caught his attention. One of his fellow models, dressed like a Christmas present in Naughty Knot lingerie waved him over.

    "Fancy coming back to mine for a coffee?" she asked, smirking suggestively.

    "Happily, but you know I don't drink" he replied, buzzing with laughter (as he had a well known policy of no caffeine after 1600).

    They finished work and left together for her apartment, spending the night and eventually the whole Christmas break together. 

    1577920733
    FunnyMonkey [sign in to see picture]
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    "It was slightly awkward meeting her relatives" he thought, given her father's unwillingness to give a handshake and her mother's slightly hesitant kiss on his cheek, "but I'm so glad I've found my forever home!"

    He eventually left the spotlight to become an accomplished author on he ups and downs of fame, and the two of them lived happily ever after.

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