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  1. Forum Fun! Competition- Funny Stories 😆

    1501759501
    Lovehoney - Leanne [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2417
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2014

    Hello

    As some of you may have seen (if you are lurking on twitter), that we a super exciting launch coming up! 

    ****sneak a peek here: https://twitter.com/Lovehoney/status/892535660258742273*****

    To celebrate we are giving you the chance to win a mini Lovehoney Bundle

    - some of these new branded toys shall be included. YAAASS KWEEN!

    But how do I win? I hear you cry. Well, you need to give us a chuckle with a funny story.

    We all know sex is fun and can be funny! So...

    What is the funniest thing anyone has ever said to you in bed?

    It could be before the deed, after, during but something you both had a little chuckle about! 

    (This is not an opportunity to kink shame, so please no yucking someome's yum) 

    Post your answer below 

    Competiton ends 9 am 8th August

     Good Luck.

    1501762396
    LIL_KNOWN69 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 956
    • Joined: 9 Oct 2005

    One of the funniest moments in my life was after me and my partner had sex for the first time she managed to have her first orgasm, this was a bit of a shock to her and it took her a few moments to compose herself. i was still on top and we had a few kisses all glassy eyed and flushed, but before either of us said anything she looked me dead in the eyes and said "Your a wizard harry" ... the room went silent and we both just fell to pieces laughing. Even now she still gives me a smile and calls me a wizard.

    1501762464
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 29 Feb 2016

    This is not something that I thought was funny back then, but looking back I find it quite amusing. It's not really about a funny line in bed, more like a quite weird/awkward/funny moment.

    I was naked and cuddled with guy friend I fancied. We were in his home and he was having a home party. Suddenly some of his guy friend rushed into the room (they didn't know I was there). We tried to cover both of us when we heard them but didn't quite succeed.

    When they got there all, it was really awkward. One of his guy friend commented on that I had nice boobs but it only made the awkwardness worse. I soon left because it all felt so embaressing.

    Now I do find it quite amusing. Poor boys didn't know what they got into 😂

    1501763053
    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 6 Jun 2015

    "Uh, babe?"

    "Yeah?"

    "Why is your cat falling asleep on my back?"

    I turned round, spotted the cat and we both collapsed with laughter. Now every time we have sex and spot the cat coming into the room or looking at us we both crack up and can't continue!

    1501763437
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 16 Jan 2016

    So, many moons ago when Mr LNT and I had only just started 'courting' - yes, that many years ago - and I still lived at home, we had been having some 'afternoon delight' in the safe knowledge that my Mum was at work.

    Mr LNT's dog was downstairs having a kip by the front door (we thought he maybe useful as an early warning device too). Next thing we know we can hear Mums voice.

    "Oh what a lovely doggy - thank you for giving me the newspaper."

    We hurriedly dressed and rearranged the bed clothes etc. Thinking we had done a reasonable job we perched on the edge of the bed, put on our bestest innocent faces and waited for the inevitable.

    In came Mum - asked if we wanted a cup of tea - turned to Mr LNT and said:-

    "Do you always wear your shirt inside out?"

    She turned, left, and then we realised that the stocking we had been using for a bit of light bondage were still tied to the bed posts. Doh!!!

    You gotta laugh xxxxx

    1501763851
    Pinky2105 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1802
    • Joined: 13 Mar 2017

    We have had a similar story to natandtom...

    our dog (a lurcher so she is a big dog ! ) sleeps in our bedroom !

    And on this one occasion when we was getting into some oral fun, she started to lick my feet (yuk ! ) I have a thing about my feet being touched so she is now locked out of the room on special occasions !!

    But she now insists on sitting outside of the bedroom door, and sometimes whimpers when she hears us ! Which can sometimes be funny but also off putting 😕

    1501764121
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 12520
    • Joined: 20 Aug 2014

    A few years back we had a large black Labrador who insisted on sharing our bedroom. The first time we had sex neither of us could..Errr... perform ! It was extremely off-putting to have him sitting at the bottom of the bed staring at us so my oh threw his T-shirt over the dogs head. He sat there for a good hour with it on until we finished and took it off. After that every time we went to bed he sat at the foot of the bed watching us. If we wanted sex we would cover his head. He waited patiently to see if he was going to get covered up.....if he just settled down to sleep he jumped on the bed to sleep too xx

    1501764892
    Glaswegian82 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 10 Apr 2017

    This is a long one - sorry!

    My first time in bed with a new partner. We'd been seeing each other for a few weeks and were taking it relatively slowly, but the time was right, we both wanted it, and after a date we ended up back at my place. We made out for ages, moved onto touching and other delights, she had a few small orgasms, then I slipped on a condom and we did what you do in various positions, ending with her on top, vigorously riding me, and we came pretty much simultaneously, at which point she shouted - not moaned, or said, but shouted - "I LOVE YOU!"

    A stunned silence ensued. She turned bright red as she realised what she'd said.

    "Oh god, I'm sorry, I didn't mean, I know it's waaaaaay too soon, I don't love you."

    "You don't?" I asked, half amused, half weirded out.

    "No! I mean, maybe a bit, but I wasn't thinking about you exactly when I said it."

    I am now feeling a bit confused, maybe a bit insulted. "Who were you thinking about then?" I asked her. Somehow she turned even redder.

    "Your dick."

    "My dick? What?"

    I was thinking about how good it feels, and picturing it coming, and I just said it. I meant to say "I love your dick. It came out wrong."

    Now I was just feeling amused and mischevious. "You love my dick, but not me? Would you like to marry it?"

    She laughed, all the tension vanished, and she climbed off and, er, showed my penis how much she loved it.

    And the next time I saw her, she took out a cock ring, got on one knee and proposed to my penis, before slipping on the ring and kissing it.

    1501765678
    Devoted Husband [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 8 Jul 2016

    I was under the sheets giving my OH oral when our youngest son walked in.
    He wanted to ask me a question, but couldn't see me. He asked where is Daddy?
    My OH replied he's asleep, just hidden by the donna and sheets.
    He then asked if he could lift off the sheets and wake me up as he wanted to talk to me.
    My OH was trying her hardest to get him to leave while I was frozen under the sheets mid lick trying not to breathe to heavy.
    When he finally left, the mood was killed, so it was off to the hardware store and a lock was installed that very day, so I could finish off what I had started that morning.

    1501772038
    Foxiiuk [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 21 Jan 2017

    There's two that really spring to mind. The first being a couple of months after our first child was born, it was the first time we'd done the deed since the birth and right at the moment of climax my OH gave me a playful spank and I replied "ohh you motherf####r" he burst out laughing "literally now"
    The second was more...odd. first time with a new partner and he was very quiet, I whispered for him to relax don't be so quiet. He proceeded to make "vroom vroom" noises (like a toddler playing with a toy car) until his climax which was announced with a very quiet "beep beep" (like road runner)

    1501772077
    *sexybabe* [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 14 Aug 2012

    I have a couple of funny stories...

    I was with my ex boyfriend having sex with him in his bed, we were getting all hot and passionate and he suddenly pulled me on top of him and said "Ride me baby". He tried to be all breathless and sexy. But it just wasn't sexy, and I was a bit taken aback so I inadvertently burst out laughing!! It killed the mood!

    Another time I was with my ex who had a young daughter. We were in his bed having quiet sex hoping she couldn't hear us, and we went under the covers. Suddenly he pulled the quilt back, cock in hand pointing it at me and grinning like a wild man. Then he literally shrieked.. it was then I saw a little figure to my right, wrapped in her blanket saying "Can I have a cuddle too?" Talk about awkward, I died inside!

    1501776541
    Boox [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 8 Sep 2015

    Getting our first wand.

    After trying out so many different sex toys and not quite finding a favorite I continued the hunt and decided the next toy I bought would be a surprise to my partner and wouldn't have him know what it was until the time came to try it out. So a couple days and a load of excitement later the toy arrived ready for a good try out! After getting into my favorite and best lingerie we was ready to go. I passed over the new toy to my partner after a short basic foreplay session and he looks at it and goes "what is this exactly?" I then said "it's a wand!" Out of nowhere he points it at me while starfished and goes "bippity boppity boop! You're now aroused!" I was in absolute tears! We couldn't carry on in a serious mood we spent the rest of the night having humor sex and it was the best thing!

    1501779039
    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 22 Jul 2015

    Many moons ago, when I still lived at home, my now ex hubby thought I'd be funny to take a pair off my knickers from the clean washing pile and proceed to wear them as an alternative hat. He ran into the living room with a smile like a Chester cat which quickly disappeared when I informed them that particular pair in fact belonged to my sister. He never did live it down. Just to clear up though this isn't the reason why we're now divorced 😂.

    1501788593
    Shepherdess [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
    • Posts: 36
    • Joined: 21 Jul 2010

    One Halloween, we went 'out-out' and I was dressed as a naughty nurse (this one, actually!- https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=13922) with no knickers on. We got a little carried away by the moment and the vodka, and the accessibility of my lady parts, and found ourselves some privacy around the back of a shop for a little public nookie. We were in full flow, when a drunk bloke walks around the corner, looks at us, goes 'oh fuck'.. and then proceeds to whip it out for a quick piss RIGHT next to us.

    It kind of spoiled the mood.. so we went on to the next club, where the Boy proceeded to finger me at the bar. Standard.

    1501788975
    Shepherdess [sign in to see picture]
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    Damn it, I just re-read the top post. Can't work out how to delete my previous post!

    Revised answer -

    It happened in bed, but not during sex. We were both fast asleep, and I think my boyfriend had been playing too much Call of Duty, because he started acting out parts of the 'script', complete with actions.

    To quote (the bit I remember)

    "I like to keep these for close encounters" (complete with shotgun cocking motion)

    "Too right mate"

    There was a lot more, but that's the bit I remember. It woke me up.

    1501805907
    Senator [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 11 Jun 2017

    When Mrs Sen & I were first flatting together, we shared the flat with 2 others.

    One weekend afternoon, there was a bit of a drinking session at the flat with us, the flatmates and some of their friends. Things were going well, but back then a bit of alcohol made Mrs Sen horny as buggery.

    We quietly slipped back to our bedroom to engage in some fun. We were there only a few minutes when one of the flatties came barging in, I was in the middle of giving her oral at the time so quickly jumped up and grabbed the bed cover to cover us both up.

    He decided we needed to rejoin the party, so proceeded to try and drag the bed covering off us, no dice, we were both gripping it for dear life. He ended up dragging the covers, and us across the floor of our room and back into the lounge to the sound of cheers and laughter. The two of us, stark naked clinging to the bed sheets covering us then had to try to get back to the sanctuary of our bedroom to regroup.

    Carpet burns really hurt....

    1501844784
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 18 Dec 2007

    Before we were married, I used to sleep over at Mr Scorpius’s parents’ house on the weekends. One evening we were having some fun, Mr Scorpius tied me up to the headboard using a couple of his work ties. Whilst in the throes of passion, I managed to pull just a bit too hard and the whole bedhead completely collapsed making a horrendous crashing noise. Suffice to say the whole family came rushing upstairs to see what on earth had happened!

    Poor Mr Scorpius was frantically trying to untie me but the knots had gone very tight (this was before the luxury of velcro cuffs or buckles!), whilst they were knocking on the door asking “is everything ok in there?” “We’re fine thanks, just dropped a glass of water!” he replied, but they still kept on knocking and insisting to see if we were ok. Amongst the giggling, he eventually managed to get me free, grab some clothes for us, deliberately spill some water and let them in. To say they were suspicious of our flustered appearance was an understatement…

    1501855906
    Throbinhood [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the funniest true story that i can recall is when we were trying for our first baby, after the deed was done my partner asked me to hold her legs up in the air to give the sperm a fighting chance :) boy was that hard work on my back :)

    Not sure if that made any difference though ;) But we did get a baby pop out 9 months later lol

    1501857686
    Mr&Mrs Adventurous [sign in to see picture]
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    Some absolutely brilliant stories here :').

    Our funny moment came quiet a few years into our marriage,

    A few years ago I had to have major surgery as I suffer from Crohn's and had to have a stoma, after many months of not being able to have sex with having to heal we finally managed to get around to releving our sexual urges one night, now bare in mind since having a stoma I have no control of when, where or how loud I now trump the oh was giving me a fantastic blowjob when all of a sudden my stoma let off a massive fart which scared the oh to death and she fell off the bed :').
    If that wasn't bad enough after stopping ourselves from laughing eventual we got down to it again but my stoma had other ideas! This time whilst having the OH in doggy style every time I thrust my stoma kept trumping, I wasn't just once or twice either it was literally every time I thrust about 20 times.
    Fair to say that's where the passion fizzled out that night as we just couldn't stop giggling.

    1501921441
    Ragnar Lodbrok [sign in to see picture]
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    Whilst walking the length of the Pennine Way (268 miles) with my friend, we had managed to reach the wilds of County Durham Moors after 10 days of rain.

    As evening approached, we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere and were thoroughly wet through by the driving rain.

    We staggered into the nearest village and the nearest pub and my friend said he thought he recognised a car in the pub car park. On entering the pub, we couldnt believe what we saw - our girlfriends were sitting at the bar. It felt like manna from heaven!

    We asked the Lanndlord if he had two rooms available and he told us we were in luck.

    After a hot shower, hot meal and numerous beers, my girlfriend and I retired to our room.

    I'm not sure whether it was combination of the fresh Pennine air, alcohol, or enforced abstinence for almost a fortnight, but when we had got into our room, we immediately ripped each others' clothes off and couldn't wait to make love.

    Minutes later we were fully engaged in a wild and passionate sex session that became quite physical. Just as my girlfriend was approaching the end of her second orgasm, the bed (it looked like a Victorian-era model) collapsed on to the bedroom floor!!!

    Just as I was gathering myself together from the shock, my girlfriend whispered in my ear, "Was that the Earth that just moved?"

    We were in hysterics for the next five minutes and couldn't believe what had just happened. Needless to say, I managed to put the bed back together before re-engaging in a less-rigorous mode of sexual activity!

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