What To Do If Your Sex Drives Don't Match Up
on 13 Dec 2017
Among all the billions of people on this planet, the likelihood of you and your partner being the duo that have perfectly matching sex drives is very small.
One of you may want sex several times a day; the other may be content with getting intimate every couple of weeks.
But as the nights get colder, it's the perfect opportunity to raise your bedroom temperature, and sync up your libidos.
Although, as I learned in my mandatory biological behaviour module, individual sex drives are partially innate, there are still lots of things you can do to find the best balance.
So to help you both I've put together some handy tips to help you match up those sexual appetites.
Find what makes you tick
Knowing what sensations, sights, smells, and sounds kickstart your desire is vital for everyone, regardless of how often you'd like to have sex.
But it's not just the physical that can impact sex drive: environment, time of day, external stresses, health, and tons of other factors can all make a difference to how likely we are to get jiggy with it.
Next time you find yourself thinking about wanting to have sex, try to think about what's going on around you.
Are you already relaxed, or do you see sex itself as a way to relax after a busy time? Have you seen or heard something in particular? Did your partner do something that caused a twinge?
Being able to identify the triggers for our desires will make it easier to spark that feeling when an opportunity for sex arises.
If you've got the lower libido: As the one in my relationship with the lower sex drive, I spent a lot of time trying to find out what it is that pushes my buttons and turns me on.
After much discovery, I've found that having a selection of staple toys at hand works well.
If you're looking to get intimate, but aren't feeling as 'in the moment' on as you'd like, then knowing you have favourite toys, a particular fantasy, or a favourite kind of foreplay to go to can ease the pressure.
If you've got the higher libido: Even if you're the one who wants more sex, it doesn't mean you shouldn't pay attention to what turns you on.
Share your kinks with your partner, and encourage them to share them with you, and not only could you find that you're having sex more frequently, but the sex itself is even better, too!
Set the mood
Atmosphere can be crucial in helping to turn up the heat and defrosting someone's libido.
When it comes to setting the mood, there are a few things you can do.
Turn the lights down low, pick a sultry soundtrack, change those grimy bed sheets and invest in a scented candle.
All these small things can have a big impact on somebody's sex drive, and making that little bit more effort can really go a long way.
If you've got the lower libido: Dress to impress. Slipping into something sexy for the occasion can really help to not only turn your partner on, but can boost your confidence and bring out your own sensual side.
And if you feel seductive, you're more likely to be seductive!
If you've got the higher libido: Pick your timing. If you know that they're going to be starting an essay that's due tomorrow, then it maybe isn't the best time to try and change the mood.
However, if you know they've got a free evening, or nothing to get up early for the next morning, then seize the opportunity.
Being open-minded to new experiences can give a massive boost to your sex drive. It's easy for someone's libido to lull if things aren't as exciting as they used to be, so mixing things up a bit and trying new things can help to keep things fresh.
Talk with your other half about anything you're curious to try, whether that means dipping your toe in the world of BDSM or having a go at a little role play.
If you're shy about discussing it out loud, you could each make a list of things that you want to introduce/rediscover, then swap them and see what matches up.
Try playing around with Lovehoney's Oh! Roll Play Foreplay Dice to get a bit of inspiration in the bedroom, and get the ball (or dice) rolling to mix up your sexual routine.
If you've got the lower libido: Explain to your partner that although you love them and enjoy your sex life, it's only one part of what you love about your relationship.
Reassuring your partner that they haven't done anything wrong and that you are still attracted to them can help with any feelings of rejection and resentment.
If you've got the higher libido: Be respectful of your partner's boundaries and desires.
Getting them talking about sex is the first step towards a more intimate relationship, and finding out what they need to feel in the mood for sex will help you both enormously.
Do more D.I.Y
Masturbation can sometimes be a taboo subject, especially between new couples, but indulging in yourself isn't something to be ashamed of and can really help keep everyone in your relationship satisfied.
A bit of self-service is an easy way to help bridge the gap between your sex drives and keep you both happy, and, if you involve your partner, it can be a great way to show them more of what you like!
Plus, if you've never given a sex toy a go, it's a great time to dabble with vibrations, rotations, and oscillations of all kinds.
If you've got the lower libido: Desire breeds desire, and the more often you masturbate, the more often you're likely to find yourself thinking about or wanting sex.
Allowing yourself time to explore your body without the pressures of another person being present can awaken your sex drive, and open you up to new sensations which you can then explore further together when you feel ready.
If you've got the higher libido: Turn a solo session into something a little more intimate by asking your partner to kiss or cuddle you while you masturbate.
Though they may not feel the same drive to be physically intimate at that moment in time, they can still help you to get those endorphins flowing just by holding you. But remember, this is only if they want to!
If you're like me and you're in a relationship with different sex drives, then give these tips a try this winter, and comment below on how you get on.
Remember, it's not vital to always want sex at the same time, but communication and respect for each other's needs are vital when it comes to sex, as in every other aspect of a relationship.
Megan is a Psychology student at the University of Exeter. She can't quite read minds, but can read bodies.
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