I (almost) ran out of words to describe my feelings when I was faced with this week's pick. I unpacked it, looked it up and down, cocked an eyebrow and after much thought, declared it pure genius.
Imagine, if you will, the brainchild of an army of architects, politicians, council planners and hot shots mixed with vegetable-based lady porn. Somewhere between the abuse of vegetables and objectophilia is this week's Awesome Sex Toy of the Week.
I give you… 30 St Mary Axe, AKA The Gherkin Silicone Vibrator.
This may look like your average bit of souvenir tat that only the most tasteless tourist would hold aloft and declare, “Behold! The perfect gift for Granny!” But you are so very wrong.
The shower head is one of our favourite household objects to misuse (along with electric toothbrushes, hairbrushes and the spin cycle of our washing machines) so it should come as no surprise that sex toy brand Toy Joy have come up with something to make abusing the shower cubicle extra easy.
The Toy Joy Pleasure Fountain is a shiny purple cock with its own length of hose that attaches directly to the shower fitting to make getting clean feel delightfully dirty.
The 6.75-inch shaft of this sub-aquatic dildo is punctured with holes, allowing the full force of your power shower to blast its way through the shaft in every direction. It may be an experience that only the most pierced man on Earth can empathise with, but being on the receiving end of this fountain of cock is a uniquely pleasurable experience that your shower head can’t compete with.
For fans of douching, the Pleasure Fountain Shower Attachment Dildotakes all of the hard work out of the process and turns it into hard cock.
Is it a sex toy? Is it a bludgeoning device? Possibly both! It’s Super Victor!
Men have been asking the question, “does size matter?” ever since they discovered that women derive pleasure from sex too. They’d be forgiven for thinking it does if they found one of these in their Mrs’ bedside drawer.
Super Victor is the MOST. Most heavy, most veiny, most ‘biggest’ giant dildo we have in our fabled aisle A*.
Reading the description and looking at the product photos might not accurately convey how massive this member is, so for reference here’s a picture of me as I marvel at the awesomeness that is the Super Victor Giant Dildo.
With 100 sold, we’ve yet to see one review of this dynamic giant dildo. Does Super Victor simply represent too much of a challenge or is there some unknown other use for this veiny violator?
This amalgamation of sex doll parts can’t have been in the office for more than a minute before it was hauled out of the box for closer inspection.
No creature has ever graced the face of this rock with such a composition of erotic lady and man bits in such close proximity.
Regardless of your sexual quirks and preferences, your first thought upon seeing Mia Isabella’s Realistic Ride Transexual Sex Doll is likely to be “What in all that is sacred is this thing?”.
That’s a good question, and one I’m happy to answer.
This is one of the range of Mia Isabella toys we’ve recently taken delivery of at Lovehoney. A sensational transsexual adult star, Mia is the dream girl… with quite a meaty something extra between her killer pins…
On the Lovehoney shopping website, we have a shiny new search function, with suggest-as-you-type autocompleter.
While we were working out how to make this feature super-helpful, we went through the search terms Lovehoney visitors used on the site over the past 5 months.
Some were popular as always, “strap on”, “nipple” and so on. Others were, let’s say, a bit more unusual.
Here’s our top 10 list of strange things we’ve seen people searching for at Lovehoney…
Darling, you’re the fly to my spider and I’m gonna eat ya.
Unfortunately we don’t have spider and fly costumes to go with this kinky bondage set (who does?), but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still enjoy the fettered joy of this restraint kit.
The stuff that goth fantasies are made of, the Spider Web Bondage Restraints kit contains an over-the-bed base in the shape of a spiderweb that simply slides over the corners of your mattress to secure it in place.
Suitable for double, queen and king size beds, it’s a quick and easy way to transform any sleeping quarters into a den of iniquity.
The Only Way is Essex may be over and while the last flecks of your Vajazzle are losing their shine, you may be wondering how to add that Essex sparkle to other areas of your life.
Worry no longer as we introduce - Vegazzling. With one simple step you can make your aubergines alluring, your courgettes comely and put a whole new spin on stuffed peppers.
Judging by the number of people searching for Lovehoney for vegazzle, vegazzling and vegazzles there's clearly demand from people looking to kinkily encrust their vegetables.
Check out the following suggests for Lovehoney's perfect dinner party Vajazzle and vegetable pairings.
Another ‘WTF is this?’ moment. It looks like something that fell out of a Happy Meal with its big face and suspicious-looking navel.
This neon being is the Man Eater From Outer Space (well, of course it is) and it’s actually a vibrator for men…
When this thing landed on my desk, I posed the question; “What is this?” on Lovehoney's Twitter.
Baby elephant trunk protector, hamster slide, Charlie Sheen’s nose vacuum and a really strong condom were among the suggestions put forward.
But what is it, and why is it an awesome sex toy?
Ahhh - the sex swing. Revered as being a toy for more adventurous lovers, it has a cult following over in the US of A, but over here you’re much less likely to come across a swingset in the boudoir. With our suspended ceilings and predisposition to rent properties, sex swings have been a no-go for many Brits… until now.
This clever Stand Alone Sex Swing Frame is a collapsable A-frame that allows you to enjoy the use of a sex swing without drilling big holes in your ceilings or leaving conspicuous hooks on display. It’s also great for lovers of shibari/rope bondage, permitting experienced practitioners to go one step further with their ropework and suspend their loving other half while they’re gagged and tagged. Once you’ve experienced the zero-g joys of this delectable frame, unclip your sex swing and bung it in a cupboard ready for next time. Perfecto!