You may think that working for the UK's biggest and best online sex toy retailer is a laugh a minute but it's actually a very serious job fraught with danger.
From getting lube in your eye to getting trapped under an avalanche of cock, if you're not on your guard all these things can catch you out and lead to serious injury or in some extreme cases a trip to the first aid box.
Today, there was such an incident. An incident so traumatic and horrifying, that it hurts to speak of it even now.
Late in the afternoon, as part of my 'measure all the orifices in the building' project, I had to retrieve the Adam and Eve Carmen Luvana Doggy Style CyberSkin Pussy and Ass from one of the top shelves in the warehouse.
Weighing in at over 4 kilos, Carmen Luvana's arse is exceptionally heavy and instantly slipped from my hands when I went to pick it up. Being a total hero; I went to grab it before it hit the ground and mortally wounded myself in the process.
Carmen Luvana's arse sheared a layer of skin off my thumb and required emergency plaster-based surgery.
As you can see from the photos, it was pretty bad.
This is the kind of danger we here at Lovehoney face every day! Tomorrow a Clone-A-Willy might spontaneously combust, but these are the risks we take to bring you the best sex toys in all the land.
This week it's Lovehoney versus Google AdWords.
In the ongoing oppression by 'the man' we have recently been informed that some of our photographs featuring female models, particularly the Sharon Sloane Latex In and Out Dildo Panty, contain too much nudity.
So we don't offend anyone, we always try to remove any nipples or genitalia from our product photographs via some very strategic editing and Photoshop wizardry.
But even though we've removed the nipples (how offensive they are!) our models are apparently still too naked so Google banned our AdWords for those products saying:
"These pictures would be classified as nude. My advice would be to remove the image completely and find another with no nudity to represent the product."
Unsure of exactly how much clothing they need to be wearing, we've started designing our own nipple pasties in the hopes of achieving the Google-overlords' approval.
Optimus Prime will protect your baps lovely bondage lady.
The Queen adds her royal seal of approval.
Soon they'll be wanting us to get off their lawn and get a proper haircut…
(Thank you to the wonderful John Cooper Clarke for inspiring the title.)
Not content with removing our auction for a dangerous squeaking policeman's truncheon, eBay's listing fascists have been at it again.
This time it's our hen night Web site's disgraceful attempt to sell a Pink Fake Fur Angel Halo that has eBay spitting feathers.
We have sought to reassure them that all our angel halos are ethically sourced from free range angels, and that no angels are ever harmed in their making. Quite the opposite - we are very active in the angel community and make regular donations to angel welfare charities.
We even have a "Bring An Angel To Work" day.
But eBay is having none of it and has removed our listing saying: "You may not list intangible items or items whose existence cannot be verified, such as ghosts, souls or spirits."
OMG! What's going to happen at Christmas time?
As well as striving to satisfy the nation's lust for sex toys on Lovehoney, we run a hen party Web site called Hen Night HQ. We sell a massive range of boppers, boas, outfits and accessories for girls to wear on their hen nights on the Web and through the Hen Night HQ eBay store.
Police women uniforms are hugely popular, along with all the relevant accessories like handcuffs and, of course, the Squeaking Policeman's Truncheon.
Except that eBay has just taken exception to this most innocent of squeaky accessories, banning our listing of the product because it "because it breaches our Firearms, Weapons, and Knives policy."
eBay goes on to say: "Since buying and selling weapons is highly regulated in the UK and Ireland, and may harm eBay and its members, you're not allowed to list weapons on eBay."
Oh well, they've only got a few dozen more to take down…
It's the most important question the UK has faced in a generation, and the consequences will be felt for decades to come whichever way you, the Great British Public, decide to vote.
This isn't a decision to make lightly. Take your time. Weigh up the pros and cons. Discuss it with your partner and your friends.
Then, when you're ready, it's time to tell us whether you're pro-In when it comes to vibrators or if it's Out vibrators that really hit the spot.
Speaking from atop a box of bullet vibes outside a sex toy warehouse in Bath, a Lovehoney spokesperson said:
"The In/Out vibrator campaign has been furiously contested since after our coffee break earlier this morning. Passions are running high and we just don't know which way the public vote is going to go.
"Whichever way you vote, just remember to use water-based lubricant."