From sophisticated Japanese sex dolls to the hen-night-favourite blow-up doll, the world of the humanoid sex simulator is filled with a rich variety of different skill sets.
We know that many sex dolls have three holes, that others have two and that some vibrate but did you know that some dolls have a whole lot more going for them than, well, holes? Here’s our pick of six of the strangest sex dolls we sell.
These are the Rascal Baller Anal Beads. Our product photos make them look quite innocent, but as you can see from this to-scale photo, they’re a hefty bit of kit that you couldn’t take lightly if you tried.
These big anal beads measure a hefty 8.35 inches in circumference around each bead, with an insertable length of 15.5 inches. Woah!
I’m not convinced that the finger loop is really required, but better to be safe than sorry.
A typical day in the life at Lovehoney can often lead to unusual and unusually entertaining conversations and to equally unusual parts of the Internet. Currently we're stroking our chins over how best to make fake vaginas and marvelling at the ingenuity displayed by people who have had similar thoughts.
The classic site Home Made Sex Toys has a great article on how to make a Fleshlight style masturbator, which is quite possibly the best use of an empty Pringles tube we've ever seen.
"When stored with the lid on, the homemade flashlight can be conveniently camouflaged as an innocent can of potato chips," says the site. Yes, camouflaged right up to the moment that your mum comes round and reaches for the pre-dinner nibbles…
Over at Steady Health there's a fantastic thread which details how to turn a towel and a rubber glove into an uncannily realistic fake vagina. It does sound fantastically complicated though. I know I'm biased, but I would suggest that treating yourself to a male sex toy from Lovehoney is a lot less hassle (and, dare I say it, a lot more fun).
But it's great to see someone pitch in with some great, succinct advice: "Bubble wrap and ice pack quite good"
Lovehoney is delighted to introduce some truly regal vibrations for you to indulge in as you celebrate the marriage of His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales to Catherine Elizabeth Middleton on Friday 29th April, 2011.
The Commemorative Royal Wedding Ring £1.00 lets you rejoice in the regal union of pleasure with the added buzz as you slip it onto your very own Prince Charming and enjoy the mutually-stimulating benefits during your private (or public) display of affection.
A truly unique item of Royal Wedding memorabilia, we are confident that this love ring will deliver more pleasure than a commemorative Royal wedding plate and even better, it is made from stretchy silicone to accommodate most Royal members. With six batteries included, you can be assured that your post-nuptial celebrations won't be cut short and you can mark the commencement of pleasurable vibrations by reading the inscripted vows on the packaging.
Delivering a Royal performance at a price suitable for the general public, it will be a consumation of love you'll never forget as the powerful vibrations just keep coming from this Royal blue ring.
"This ring I take from you as a token of your love and devotion to me. I pledge to you all that I am and all that I will ever be as your husband. With this ring, I gladly marry you and join my life to yours…"
Unusual title, no?
Sadly you won't find any videos of lesbians selling vibrators to housewives door to door in this blog post, but you will discover more of the strange search terms that seem to lead to Lovehoney.
And by writing this, I've realised that Lovehoney will now rank even higher for the search term 'lesbians selling vibrators to housewives door to door'. I really must stop typing that…
If you're searching for something naughty on the internet, your search engine will often lead you to the Lovehoney site - after all, we have aisles and aisles of filth here!
Occasionally, however, Google will throw you a curve ball and you'll end up on Lovehoney when you're searching for something entirely unrelated.
By using incredible technology and magic squeezed from the udders of a unicorn, we are able to see which search terms land people on the Lovehoney site and if we're doing our absolute best to cater to those lost and forlorn web users.
By analysing the data, we were able to find the top 500 search terms containing the word 'inch' that sent visitors to Lovehoney during the month of June 2009.
You may think that working for the UK's biggest and best online sex toy retailer is a laugh a minute but it's actually a very serious job fraught with danger.
From getting lube in your eye to getting trapped under an avalanche of cock, if you're not on your guard all these things can catch you out and lead to serious injury or in some extreme cases a trip to the first aid box.
Today, there was such an incident. An incident so traumatic and horrifying, that it hurts to speak of it even now.
Late in the afternoon, as part of my 'measure all the orifices in the building' project, I had to retrieve the Adam and Eve Carmen Luvana Doggy Style CyberSkin Pussy and Ass from one of the top shelves in the warehouse.
Weighing in at over 4 kilos, Carmen Luvana's arse is exceptionally heavy and instantly slipped from my hands when I went to pick it up. Being a total hero; I went to grab it before it hit the ground and mortally wounded myself in the process.
Carmen Luvana's arse sheared a layer of skin off my thumb and required emergency plaster-based surgery.
As you can see from the photos, it was pretty bad.
This is the kind of danger we here at Lovehoney face every day! Tomorrow a Clone-A-Willy might spontaneously combust, but these are the risks we take to bring you the best sex toys in all the land.
This week it's Lovehoney versus Google AdWords.
In the ongoing oppression by 'the man' we have recently been informed that some of our photographs featuring female models, particularly the Sharon Sloane Latex In and Out Dildo Panty, contain too much nudity.
So we don't offend anyone, we always try to remove any nipples or genitalia from our product photographs via some very strategic editing and Photoshop wizardry.
But even though we've removed the nipples (how offensive they are!) our models are apparently still too naked so Google banned our AdWords for those products saying:
"These pictures would be classified as nude. My advice would be to remove the image completely and find another with no nudity to represent the product."
Unsure of exactly how much clothing they need to be wearing, we've started designing our own nipple pasties in the hopes of achieving the Google-overlords' approval.
Optimus Prime will protect your baps lovely bondage lady.
The Queen adds her royal seal of approval.
Soon they'll be wanting us to get off their lawn and get a proper haircut…
(Thank you to the wonderful John Cooper Clarke for inspiring the title.)
Not content with removing our auction for a dangerous squeaking policeman's truncheon, eBay's listing fascists have been at it again.
This time it's our hen night Web site's disgraceful attempt to sell a Pink Fake Fur Angel Halo that has eBay spitting feathers.
We have sought to reassure them that all our angel halos are ethically sourced from free range angels, and that no angels are ever harmed in their making. Quite the opposite - we are very active in the angel community and make regular donations to angel welfare charities.
We even have a "Bring An Angel To Work" day.
But eBay is having none of it and has removed our listing saying: "You may not list intangible items or items whose existence cannot be verified, such as ghosts, souls or spirits."
OMG! What's going to happen at Christmas time?
As well as striving to satisfy the nation's lust for sex toys on Lovehoney, we run a hen party Web site called Hen Night HQ. We sell a massive range of boppers, boas, outfits and accessories for girls to wear on their hen nights on the Web and through the Hen Night HQ eBay store.
Police women uniforms are hugely popular, along with all the relevant accessories like handcuffs and, of course, the Squeaking Policeman's Truncheon.
Except that eBay has just taken exception to this most innocent of squeaky accessories, banning our listing of the product because it "because it breaches our Firearms, Weapons, and Knives policy."
eBay goes on to say: "Since buying and selling weapons is highly regulated in the UK and Ireland, and may harm eBay and its members, you're not allowed to list weapons on eBay."
Oh well, they've only got a few dozen more to take down…