This amalgamation of sex doll parts can’t have been in the office for more than a minute before it was hauled out of the box for closer inspection.
No creature has ever graced the face of this rock with such a composition of erotic lady and man bits in such close proximity.
Regardless of your sexual quirks and preferences, your first thought upon seeing Mia Isabella’s Realistic Ride Transexual Sex Doll is likely to be “What in all that is sacred is this thing?”.
That’s a good question, and one I’m happy to answer.
This is one of the range of Mia Isabella toys we’ve recently taken delivery of at Lovehoney. A sensational transsexual adult star, Mia is the dream girl… with quite a meaty something extra between her killer pins…
On the Lovehoney shopping website, we have a shiny new search function, with suggest-as-you-type autocompleter.
While we were working out how to make this feature super-helpful, we went through the search terms Lovehoney visitors used on the site over the past 5 months.
Some were popular as always, “strap on”, “nipple” and so on. Others were, let’s say, a bit more unusual.
Here’s our top 10 list of strange things we’ve seen people searching for at Lovehoney…
Darling, you’re the fly to my spider and I’m gonna eat ya.
Unfortunately we don’t have spider and fly costumes to go with this kinky bondage set (who does?), but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still enjoy the fettered joy of this restraint kit.
The stuff that goth fantasies are made of, the Spider Web Bondage Restraints kit contains an over-the-bed base in the shape of a spiderweb that simply slides over the corners of your mattress to secure it in place.
Suitable for double, queen and king size beds, it’s a quick and easy way to transform any sleeping quarters into a den of iniquity.
The Only Way is Essex may be over and while the last flecks of your Vajazzle are losing their shine, you may be wondering how to add that Essex sparkle to other areas of your life.
Worry no longer as we introduce - Vegazzling. With one simple step you can make your aubergines alluring, your courgettes comely and put a whole new spin on stuffed peppers.
Judging by the number of people searching for Lovehoney for vegazzle, vegazzling and vegazzles there's clearly demand from people looking to kinkily encrust their vegetables.
Check out the following suggests for Lovehoney's perfect dinner party Vajazzle and vegetable pairings.
Another ‘WTF is this?’ moment. It looks like something that fell out of a Happy Meal with its big face and suspicious-looking navel.
This neon being is the Man Eater From Outer Space (well, of course it is) and it’s actually a vibrator for men…
When this thing landed on my desk, I posed the question; “What is this?” on Lovehoney's Twitter.
Baby elephant trunk protector, hamster slide, Charlie Sheen’s nose vacuum and a really strong condom were among the suggestions put forward.
But what is it, and why is it an awesome sex toy?
Ahhh - the sex swing. Revered as being a toy for more adventurous lovers, it has a cult following over in the US of A, but over here you’re much less likely to come across a swingset in the boudoir. With our suspended ceilings and predisposition to rent properties, sex swings have been a no-go for many Brits… until now.
This clever Stand Alone Sex Swing Frame is a collapsable A-frame that allows you to enjoy the use of a sex swing without drilling big holes in your ceilings or leaving conspicuous hooks on display. It’s also great for lovers of shibari/rope bondage, permitting experienced practitioners to go one step further with their ropework and suspend their loving other half while they’re gagged and tagged. Once you’ve experienced the zero-g joys of this delectable frame, unclip your sex swing and bung it in a cupboard ready for next time. Perfecto!
If you don’t feel like your solo sex life is WINNING enough, what you need is your own personal goddess. Can't handle a whole goddess? What about just her head?
Bree Olson (also known as Rachel Oberlin - one of Charlie Sheen’s girlfriends) has lent her likeness to this lifelike male masturbator. Made from Cyberskin, the Bree Olson Deep-Throat Sex Doll Head feels soft and squishy just like real flesh and skin and is capable of swallowing down an impressive 6.5 inches.
As it’s cast from a mould taken directly from Ms Olson’s face (there are even pictures of the process on the side of the box) this is one of the most realistic sex doll heads on the market. We do feel that they could have taken the time to give her hair a flash of flaxen blonde, though.
Cock rings that look like DIY hardware. I don’t know which I prefer, these or the Dirk Yates toys that look like weapons - I just can't decide. There is something to be said for inventively-shaped sex toys, I find them infinitely more interesting than the often neon-coloured types and they function just as well. They also help to take some of the scariness away if you’re suffering from first-time nerves.
These are made from firm but stretchy TPR that has been coloured to emulate metal. The smaller Hardware Coupling Hex Nuts cock ring set can be worn together with the larger sitting around the cock and balls and the smaller at the base of the shaft. The larger Hardware Rapid Mounting Hex Nut vibrating ring is also for wearing around your cock and balls but has a bullet vibrator mounted at the top making it ideal for shared stimulation. Both sets are completely waterproof too, so they’re simple to clean and can be enjoyed in the bath and shower. Awesome!
Is it a tentacle? Is it a tongue? The seductive Textured Devil Tongue Glass Dildo is sensationally shaped to make it suitable for all kinds of penetration. Detailed with deep ridges and curved bumps for incredible stimulation and shaped with an upwardly-curving tapered tip to make insertion effortless. It’s easier to use than similarly-sized realistic dildos and much more attractive with its Murano-esque colours and swirls.
So… tentacle? Tongue? What do you reckon?