Have you ever noticed how you can buy every kind of body part for sexual purposes? Over the years we’ve sold everything from feet and fists to heads and boobs.Now if only there was some way to sew these parts together and bring to life a living, breathing sex doll to service all of your wants, needs and desires. If sci-fi can be believed then all it takes to animate body parts is a good shock of electricity on a dark and stormy night.
Unfortunately my experiments haven’t yielded any fruitful results, possibly because the limbs I’ve used are made from realistic flesh and never belonged to real people but more probably because the Kinklab Neon Wand I’ve been using to try and shock my real-feel fittie to life is much more useful as a tool for sensory play. As sad as I am to discover that the Neon Wand has no life-giving capabilities, it is an awesome sex toy with lots of other things going for it…
The trouble with zombies is that they come at night, and so do we. Most of our sexual thrills are had between the sheets before bedtime and many of us will encounter our first zombie while getting frisky with a partner or ourselves. Most inconvenient.
On the plus side, Lovehoney customers will have plenty of weapons within arm's reach to help them combat the brain-hungry Z army.
At Lovehoney we believe in providing the best possible sex advice for all occasions, so in order to keep you sexually happy during the inconvenience of the apocalypse and the collapse of society, I've tried and tested some of the best methods of defeating zombies using only sex toys by subjecting myself to the wrath of three very brain-hungry zombies. Eeeek!
Rechargeable sex toys and mains-powered vibes are brilliant as they’re economic and high powered, allowing you to enjoy hours and hours and hours of sexual pleasure without the need to buy expensive batteries. But once the zombie apocalypse comes it’s only a matter of time before the power is switched off and supplies of batteries run out, rendering all of your sex toys useless.
There’s only one thing more depressing than a full-on zombie invasion and that’s a full-on zombie invasion without satisfying masturbation. If your boyfriend is out all night eating some other girl’s brains, you’re going to feel mightily dejected when your collection of sex toys is devoid of power. What’s a girl to do?!
There is one shining beacon of sexual satisfaction in the post apocalyptic void and that beacon is my Spooky Sex Toy of the Week - the SolarStim Solar-Powered Bullet Vibrator…
The benefits of vibrating cock rings are well documented but your partner doesn’t need to be one of the walking dead to enjoy the sexy pleasures of this blood red ring. Styled in silicone with supernaturally stretchy composition, it’s presented on a coffin card to make it the perfect spooky gift for your loving spectre.
The Death by Orgasm Fang Banger Vibrating Cock Ring (£14.99) is a silicone cock ring with a difference. Designed to slip around the penis and testicles, it provides a comfortable restriction that enhances erections by restricting blood flow. No surprises there.
The excitement comes in the form of the two vibrating bullets - there’s one for him and one for her. The smaller bullet sits beneath the testicles, enhancing his pleasure and the intensity of his orgasm. The larger bullet sits at the top of the cock ring and features a ghoulish pair of fangs that press against the clitoris during sex to ensure the best-possible stimulation for her in every position.
I’m a fantasy shopper and I love to spend hours trawling through websites adding lots of things to the basket with no intention of buying them. If I transferred everything in my Lovehoney wishlist to my basket right now, the total cost would be £1,516.77. Yeouch!
In my ideal world I’d have my big house and I’d fill it with sex furniture. An elaborate four-poster with incorporated restraints, a leather chaise longue that folds out into a play platform and a mega sex swing suspended from the ceiling of my play room. In reality I live in a one-bedroom flat and there is simply nowhere that a St Andrew’s Cross would fit unless I chuck out my Chesterfield sofa. Dilemma!
What I need is something compact but still full sized and inexpensive enough for a modest salary to afford. Inflatable sex furniture isn’t a new concept, but it hasn’t always been executed to great effect, but this week's Awesome Sex Toy has it covered…
In the vast expanse that is the universe, it’s likely that somehow, somewhere there are planets other than our own inhabited by intelligent and sexy life forms. Aliens have been interpreted in many ways but those central to our sexual fantasies tend to be humanoid in form. My ideal sexy alien is Seven of Nine, a rehabilitated Borg hottie with mega boobs and a catsuit that makes my imagination go a bit haywire. Other classics include Sil from Species, Servalan from Blake’s 7 and of course Doctor Who.
The more advanced cinematic interpretations of aliens become, the better our xxxtra-terrestrial fantasies become. You’ve already seen the Inflatable Alien Sex Doll in my Six of the Strangest Sex Dolls feature, but this budget doll is only one small step for man’s exploration of other-worldly sex.
Intergalactic dating is still a long way off (or is it?), but thanks to this Awesome Sex Toy of the Week, you can take a giant leap for mankind’s pleasure without the expensive rocket fuel bills. The Alien Fleshlight Ice is inspired by ‘This Ain’t Avatar XXX in 3D’ - A sci-fi spectacular set in an alien world that stars Fleshlight girl and adult star, Misty Stone.
Having Sex With a Teddy Bear
Each week, hundreds of people find Lovehoney after searching the internet for solutions to their sex problems.
Our alternative agony aunt Hella answers the questions you were too shy to ask anyone (except Google).
How do I have sex with my teddy bear?
You don’t say if you’re leaning toward furry fetish, you think soft toys offer the best sex simulation platform or you’re just looking for a cuddly companion to get frisky with. Either way around, I can help you to have sex with your teddy bear.
If it’s all about cuddly textures and you’re a straight man or a lesbian, you may want to think about buying a Teddy Babe or a Teddy Babe Deluxe. These sex dolls are made from soft plush with a squishy fibre filling around their flexible wire frames. They look like woman, they feel like a cuddly toy. With massive boobs and a penetrable pussy, Teddy Babes are an instant fix for furry lovers.
If you have a specific teddy bear in mind that you want to get freaky with, then we’re going to get a bit Red Peter with some scissors, a needle and thread and your favourite dildo, vibrator or male masturbator.
Ball gags are a must-have accessory for every dedicated BDSM player, but the taste of some rubber ball gags can be a little off putting. You can choose a silicone ball gag to ensure that your gag will taste neutral or you can try something a little different thanks to the Awesome Sex Toy of the Week.
This innovative ball gag has a nice big ball measuring 2 inches in diameter to ensure the mouth is securely muffled and a highly adjustable PVC strap to hold it firmly in place. The ball is attractive, decorative and best of all - edible.
The Kinklab Jawbreaker Gobstopper Ball Gag is made using a retro gobstopper sweet in place of the ball making bad-tasting ball gags a thing of the past.
Spiders in the shower register highly on many people’s phobia radar. Black, hairy, spindly-legged varmits with 6 eyes and funny feeder things beneath their GIANT FANGS OF DEATH. It’s not a sexually happy image, is it?
Fortunately I’m not scared of spiders, so when Halloween rocks around you’ll find me in the local toy shop stocking up on fake plastic spiders to place between shower bottles, next to plug holes and in random corners to scare the bejesus out of my friends. Nothing funnier than a fully-grown man legging it out of the bathroom because of a plastic spider.
If I start to feel guilty about doing this to my boyfriend (unlikely!), then I might be able to make amends by putting a different kind of Spider in the shower. There’s nothing creepy, crawly or bitey about my Awesome Sex Toy of the Week.
The Spider Hands-Free Male Masturbator is much better than a big old bug in the bathroom…
I’ve been a fan of sex toys and Japanese animation for years and years.
Anything that blends these two things together in an anime/hentai-style fusion has me squealing and bouncing like a purple-haired, saucer-eyed girl in a sailor costume.
This week's Awesome Sex Toy comes from Fun Zone in the form of the Ultra Zone Geisha Male Masturbators.
Fun Zone have really upped the stakes in male masturbators by creating these ‘ultimate aficionado’ kits that contains a bit of kit I didn’t even know existed…