Looking for a 100% organic dildo grown to your exact specifications? Look no further…
As you can imagine, I get some bizarre things sent to me in the post, but this sample cucumber dildo has got to be up there with one of the weirdest (and best!). We're all familiar with the odd phallic-shape vegetable but this cucumber was specially crafted by a green-fingered entrepreneur who is producing a kit to let you grow your very own cucumber cock.
We're told the seeds and special mould are currently in development, but the instructions are simple:
"Sow the seeds in spring, grow plant as you would any other (greenhouse/inside by a sunny window), wait till they flower then clamp on the mould, wait a week then bosh out pops your fruit!"
Keep your eyes peeled for further developments.
There are few things as expensive as sex furniture, sex dolls and sex machines in the sex toy world. These intricately detailed pleasure givers take a lot of thought, craftsmanship and effort to put together as well as a bulk load of materials. It’s no wonder they cost a pretty penny.
Every now and then a mould breaker comes along that sticks a pointy tongue out in the direction of convention, leaving me WTFing in the most splendid of ways. This week's Awesome Sex Toy combines two of the most expensive sex toy types available and slaps a surprising price tag on it to boot.
Fans of sex machines and bondage furniture, I give you the Louisiana Lounger Sex Toy Machine (£149.99).
This spectacularly economical bit of kit incorporates a bondage couch, sex position furniture and a thrusting sex machine in one inflatable package.
There’s a lot to be said for the novelty factor when it comes to sex toys. As the writer of many of the Lovehoney product descriptions, I get to see and manhandle a lot of sex toys. Looking back over my previous ASTOTW posts, it’s clear I have a special fondness for quirky design.
Doc Johnson may be a little late to get Vac-U-Lock aboard the novelty train, but this week’s Awesome Sex Toy makes a great case for fun also being practical. I introduce to you the Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock Knuckle Up Duster Plug (£8.00). RAWK!
If you’re a fan of the Vac-U-Lock range then you’ll be down with their special plug system. Each harness, handle and machine features one of their standard plugs, allowing you to use their wide range of Vac-U-Lock dildos, vibrators and anal tools with any of their suckers, harnesses and other plug-based paraphernalia.
An ever-changing figurehead for sex toys, rabbit vibrators are constantly receiving tweaks and changes in order to produce the ultimate inside-and-out vibe.
Twisting, twirling, thrusting and spinning rabbit vibrators have all been created, but this week’s Awesome Sex Toy takes things back to basics. The Happy Rabbit is home to three vibrating motors which operate in sync with one another to create powerful vibrations which are consistent throughout the full length of the toy.
Motors are housed in the base and tip of the shaft, providing the bulk of the rabbit’s power, while a third motor offers animation to the rabbit stimulator. The most impressive part of this set-up comes from the patterns. Many vibrating sex toys have motors that follow the same patterns at the same time, but Happy Rabbit chooses to operate different motors at different times, offering a sensation that feels more like throbbing than buzzing.
Male sex toys tend to fall into three categories: there are ones you put your penis in, ones you put on your penis and ones you put in your ass. Seems fairly logical, doesn’t it? But this week's Awesome Sex Toy defies convention by having nothing to do with your penis or your derriere, no Siree. The Adam and Eve Cyberskin Ball Sack Vibrator (£24.99) is all about your balls, baby.
This inventive vibrator has been designed to slip over your scrotum to give you a delirious cupped sensation to accompany masturbation, foreplay and other sexual pursuits. It’s made from Cyberskin for a skin-like feel that provides a comfortable cradle for your testes without being overly restrictive or inhibiting.
The genius comes courtesy of a bullet vibrator which slots into the base of this sack snuggler, transforming it into a whirring, shaking massager for your babymakers. Unlike a cock ring it doesn’t restrict blood flow to the penis, so you won’t experience numbed sensations or prolonged plateau, allowing you to enjoy enhanced pleasure without putting off your climax. Just pop it on as a side dish to your usual pleasure and enjoy the intensified sensations it brings.
Sex toys are amazing because there are some kinks you just can’t fulfill without them if you’re single.
Spanking yourself with your hand is never as good as with a paddle, vibrators are often more enjoyable than your own hand and ditto for strokers and male masturbators. And there are definitely some sex acts it’s difficult to perform on your own, like fisting.
Yeah, I’m sure auto-fisting is doable, but it’s got to be awkward. Try just simulating the motion and it’s ‘Oh, hi, lobster claw arm, you look well sexy’ and ‘Hello, arm cramp’. To enjoy a little solo fisting, or perhaps just a slightly smaller fist than your partner’s, you can’t go wrong with Belladonna’s Bitch Fist (£34.99).
Bedroom bondage is a great way to add some sauce to your scoop of vanilla, but for some people a light spanking isn’t enough. Traditional spanking paddles offer a wide range of pain thresholds for the methodical spanker, but sometimes the smooth surface doesn’t offer much of a thrill.
Another aspect of spanking is the visual appeal. The look of a reddened ass, the dappled pattern of a studded paddle all bring a little something extra to the spanking experience for both participants. If you like your spanking heavy handed and love to leave a lasting impression then this week’s awesome sex toy is for you. I give you the Jack Boot Print Wooden Spanking Paddle (£22.00).
This impressive bit of BDSM kit is more than just a pretty face. There’s definitely a novelty appeal to this little gem, and the very look of it is enough to make an unruly sub more inclined to behave themselves, but it’s impressively practical.
Ah, commemorative crap. All those chintzy plates, tea towels and special edition drinks bottles that unassuming folk purchase in the hope that it will one day acquire value. I’m telling you now, it won’t.
In order for something gain value, it needs to be relatively rare. Mass produced mugs aren’t going to do much for your bank balance as a few thousand people have the same idea. What you want is something unlikely to turn up in 50 years time…
When it comes to royal memorabilia, Lovehoney has 'previous' in the shape of the Commemorative Royal Wedding Ring. But for the Diamond Jubilee, we've really pulled out all the stops. Her Majazzle - a patriotic vajazzle dubbed "the most outrageous souvenir on offer" by The Sunday Times Magazine - truly is the crowning glory in jubilee ephemera.
There’s always speculation at Lovehoney HQ as to who was the willing model for some of our more realistic dildos.
Following the airing of More Sex Please, We’re British, we have attached a face (and body) to one of our best sellers - Adam’s Cock.
In the documentary Laura from Customer Care (pictured, with Adam) has a giggle about this fleshy phallus, explaining that her boyfriend is also called Adam. He may not have been the original model for the sex toy, but Mr Laura will be forever associated with this veiny willy.
Adam and Eve’s 8-Inch Pleasureskin Dildo (£34.99) has been a best seller for 2 years at Lovehoney and in that time we’ve sold over 6,000 to happy customers. The average rating is 4.5 stars out of 5, making it one of our most favoured sex toys ever.
This week's awesome sex toy is the Pipedream Extreme Realistic Male Sex Doll (£499.99), as seen being measured by me with the Official Lovehoney Depth Probe in Channel 4’s “More Sex Please, We’re British”.
This buff bod is one of the finest examples of male sex dolls I’ve ever had the privilege to fondle. Perfectly formed with spectacular musculature and a lob-on so fierce that you can practically see it throbbing, this stud of a doll definitely has the right visuals.
Of course, he has no head, arms or legs, but these are minor details when you’re faced with such a randy Adonis (and this also makes the doll less expensive, which is good for the pocket).