'You know the old adage that if only men had a vibrating penis then they'd be perfect?' Actually, no, they didn't teach that one in my school, but working at Lovehoney is the perfect way to continue my adult education! The following Orgasm Army review of the X Factor Vibrating Cock and Ball Rings, as well as being the source of my shamefully thieved opening quote, is a paean to the joys of cock vibration - for boys and girls. Something for everyone, then…
Here's a question for all you large dildo fans - we know length and girth are key factors when deciding which mega dong to buy, but how much do looks play a part? Not a lot for this Orgasm Army reviewer, who was sniffy about the ugliness of the Caterpillar Large Dildo, but still found it 'eye-wateringly impressive' to watch his wife filled to the brim with it. Hats off to Mrs Caterpillar!
Sigh! Do you ever find yourself hankering after the old days of sex toys, when a vibrator looked like a vibrator and didn't pop, glow, whizz or bang with its zillion functions and nano-computers? This Orgasm Army reviewer did - and found herself going back again and again to her trusty workhorse, the Deluxe Silver Sleek Smooth Vibrator. Just don't rub all the colouring off with overuse - apparently it's an unsightly beige underneath. Time to buy a new one…
Let's face it - it's difficult to find anyone who actively enjoys using condoms. But given the risks of not using them they're an unavoidable item for sex play - and it's worth testing out a few different types to find out which ones work for you. It looks like this Orgasm Army reviewer's made her choice with the Durex Performa Condom and Play Lube Sachet - how about you?
Spotted in the Sunday Mirror on 24 June, a story entitled Girl Lag Demands Sex Toy in Prison. The prisoner, who claims to be a sex addict, is threatening to sue prison chiefs if they don't allow her a rabbit vibrator. She's got a point: some prisons let you have electric shavers, while smokers are allowed cigarettes (jails are pretty much the only places left where you can spark up indoors), so why not a rabbit? But the fruity lag sounds less convincing when she refers to the high-tech vibrators as 'harmless dildos'. Does she have any idea what the beads on a Lovehoney Jessica Rabbit Vibrator can do to a woman?
Few things warm the cockles of our hearts as much no-holes-barred enthusiasm for taking the biggest, meatiest, chunkiest, heaviest dildos we stock - and the following Orgasm Army reviewer is up there with the most enthusiastic. Sample quote: 'After riding it for a couple of hours, you go out and you feel like you still have it in you.' Doesn't this girl need to work?
No need to go to the South Seas for your King Kong fix - now you can stay at home and dream of giant model apes (or whatever floats your boat) while trying to fit as much of the Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock Kong Realistic 8-Inch inside you as possible. The fun-loving Orgasm Army reviewer who penned the following review put as her 'bottom line', 'If this is really and truly modeled after a real cock as the literature claims, will someone please get me the guy's number?' Cheeky girl…
It's not every day you see a toy review with a line like 'my penis had strong marks on it which made my Mistress happy', but then the CB-2000 Points of Intrigue isn't an everyday toy. Boys, if the idea of cock clamping makes you shrivel, make sure you sit down with a nice stiff drink before reading this. And girls, this is for - uh - consensual sex play, OK?
Spotted in the Metro last Wednesday: Cambodians warned over DIY penis enlargement. Apparently a Cambodian man injected hair tonic into his penis in the hopes that it would make it grow - or maybe to give it thicker, more lustrous hair, who knows? In the event it caused massive ulceration, the pain from which was so great that the man hanged himself, the poor sod.