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  1. Black Lace Wicked Words 10It's not just girls who love the odd finger or two slipped in our ass during foreplay or sex. And it's not just girls who can be fucked with a few fingers and a lover's tongue. Guys get off on it just as much, as you'll find out by reading the excerpt below featuring a wheelchair-bound guy and a horny librarian, taken from Mathilde Madden's Wheels On Fire, published in Wicked Words 10: The Best Of Wicked Words (Black Lace):

    So how many texts did you and your lover send to each other before cutting out of work early to get home and have sex? I had an email from a woman called Sioban who said:

    'I had the day off work, so I said goodbye to my fiancé as he left our house, giving him no inkling whatsoever as to the text sex I was planning after reading your blog on it. About 11am I sent him my first text, just saying that I really enjoyed spending time with him at the cinema the night before – even though we didn't have sex, we held hands all the way through the film like two teenagers. It was nice to feel close and in love.

    Anyway, my complimentary texts soon turned into flirty little numbers. My fiancé got into it quicker than I did, so when I texted him to say he should come home at lunch to 'eat,' it sent a thrill right through my body when he walked through our front door with a semi hard-on and a can of whipped cream. He didn't go back to work after lunch – he called in to say he had stomach ache. Must have been all that whipped cream he licked off me…'

    Thanks to Sioban for letting me know how her text sex went down. You guys can do the same by emailing me at badkitty@dirtywords.co.uk or by leaving a naughty comment on the blog page. Go on, I'd love to hear from you!

    Anyway, onto this week's Dirty Words masterclass. As we're nearing the end of this series it's about time we really got down to learning how to ask for what we want, how to describe what we want it and how to listen to and carry out our lovers' sexual requests in response. For that purpose, there is nothing better (or more enjoyable) than a personal sex questionnaire.

    Unlike most sex questionnaires you're likely to come across when reading glossy mags, etc, the beauty of this personal sex questionnaire is that you and your lover get to come up with all the questions. What's so great about that? Well, it means you are getting specific answers to the sex questions you most want your lover to answer.

    The personal sex questionnaire works like this: you both sit down with a sheet of paper and divide it in half. On one side of the sheet you write down questions you would like your lover to answer, then on the other side you write down questions that you would like to answer. Once you have answered the questions you have written for yourself, and your lover has done the same with their sheet of paper, swap sheets and answer the questions you have written for each other.

    When writing questions for your personal sex questionnaire, try to be as honest, imaginative, experimental and as sexy as possible while still being true to yourself. For example, there's no point including a question about BDSM if neither of you are in to such activities, but if you want to start exploring bondage or sado-masochistic activities, include a question and answer in your column that addresses what you would like to try and then include a similar question in your lover's column to find out how he/she feels about it.

    What you are trying to achieve with this questionnaire is an understanding of what drives you and your lover sexually; what turns you on in the bedroom – or indeed any other room you prefer to have sex in – what new positions, toys and techniques you want to try, what you like in the bedroom and, more importantly, what you don't like.

    There are no rules as to how many questions you are allowed to have in your sex questionnaire. Obviously, you don't want to sit there all day, but you should put aside an hour to write down and answer each other's questions. This is the perfect opportunity to work on your sexual communication with each other, so don't rush it. The most important thing you should remember when writing and answering questions in your personal sex questionnaire is to be as sexy as possible, so don't be afraid to use lots of dirty words to describe what you want. You could even include a question on what dirty words you would like/dislike to hear in the bedroom.

    When you have both answered your own questions and swapped sheets to answer each other's questions, it's time to read them out. You should go first. Sit facing your lover, and gather both sheets of paper in your hands. First of all you should read out your answer to the questions your lover wanted you to answer. Try and maintain eye contact throughout where possible and don't be afraid to elaborate on your answers. You should also allow each other to ask further questions about your answer once you have finished reading it aloud, as there may be something you want to clarify.

    Once you have finished discussing your answers to your lover's questions, read out the answers to your own questions, discuss your answers and questions and then get your lover to repeat this process with their own questions and by answering the ones you want them to answer. After you have both finished reading out your answers, you can then use the information you have gathered about each other and formulate your very own sexual manifesto.

    Using the answers from the questionnaire, you can write a list of what you both like, dislike, what you want to try, what you want to change and what your sexual commitments are to each other in the future. For example, 'We will spend more time on foreplay rather than leaping straight into penetrative sex each time.'

    I have come up with a few sample sex questions to start you off, but try and come up with as many of your own questions as possible. After all, this is your very own personal sex questionnaire, so start thinking, and talking, dirty.

    Our personal sex questionnaire

    Questions for me:

    1. What gets me in the mood for sex?

    2. What room do I feel most comfortable and sexy in?

    3. How do I liked to be kissed?

    4. Where do I liked to be kissed?

    5. This is what I like when you touch me:

    6. Do I want you to go down on me before or after sex?

    7. What technique do I love the most when you're going down on me?

    8. Do I want you to finger my vagina and ass when you're licking me out?

    9. Which position do I love to be fucked in?

    10. Which position do I feel sexiest in?

    11. Which position do I dislike the most?

    12. Do I want to incorporate sex toys into our fucking?

    13. Do I want to have anal sex?

    14. What else can we do to make me come during sex?

    15. What dirty words would I like to say and get you to say during sex?

    Questions for you:

    1. What gets you in the mood for sex?

    2. What form of foreplay do you like?

    3. Is there any form of foreplay you want to try that we haven't tried yet?

    4. What do you like about my blow-job technique?

    5. What else would you like me to do when giving you head?

    6. Do you want me to start playing with your anus when I'm sucking you off?

    7. How do you like me to dress for sex?

    8. Where do you like to be kissed?

    9. How do you like to be touched?

    10. What position do you love fucking me in?

    11. Which position do you feel sexiest in?

    12. Which position do you dislike the most?

    13. What lube do you most love using and where do you want to put it?

    14. Does the thought of anal sex turn you on?

    15. What dirty words would you most love to say and get me to say during sex?

    I love nothing more than coming home from a busy day at work and being pampered and treated to a bubble bath, some scented candles, gorgeous champagne and a long, sensual massage.

    Not only does a massage help to relieve my stress levels, but it also provides my lover with a great opportunity to explore and stimulate my erogenous zones, making me feeling much more turned on and receptive to sex.

    When it comes to choosing a massage oil I usually go for one that contains Ylang Ylang, which is known for its aphrodisiac properties, but any luxurious and slightly scented oil will work just as well. It's worth noting, however, that if your lover has sensitive skin, non-perfumed massage oil would be a better choice.

    Follow the step-by-step guide below, and give your lover a sensual treat that will relax and unwind him in the bedroom:

    Text sex is one of the easiest and least embarrassing ways to enhance your dirty words vocabulary for two reasons:

    Firstly, you won't feel as embarrassed talking dirty on a text message as you would face to face with your lover.
    Secondly, it gives you more time to think of a kinky response.

    The best way to start is by sending your lover a quick message on your way to work. You should keep it filth-free to begin with, but full of sexy promise of what is to come. For example, if you spent the night together you could say something like, 'Last night was amazing, but nothing compared to what will happen tonight…'

    Nothing makes me feel more relaxed than having fun with an erotic game during sex. One of my favourite games to play as a form of foreplay is erotic eating. I guess my inspiration for trying it was the kitchen sex scene in 9 1/2 Weeks, with Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke.

    If you fancy transferring your culinary skills to the bedroom, take your lead from Anne Hooper's 'Sexual Banquet.' In her best-selling book Great Sex Games, Anne talks you through how to incorporate food into your foreplay with this simple but delicious game.

    The excerpt below is taken from Anne Hooper's Great Sex Games(published by Dorling Kindersley).

    'The sexual banquet is unique in that there are no tables, chairs, knives or forks. Your partner's naked body is the plate upon which the food is served, and you are the sole dinner. Other essential ingredients are a can of whipped cream, a pot of honey or syrup, and a selection of soft, juicy fruits.

    Sex banquet tips

    Ask your partner to 'hide' a dab of honey on their body. Your job is to find it with your tongue.

    Use a new paintbrush to paint the body with runny foods such as cream, ice cream, syrup, yoghurt or custard.

    Let your sexual banquet degenerate into mayhem and have a food fight. Smother each other in whipped cream, crush fruit into [your lover's] hair and pour custard all over them.

    Eat a whole meal from your partner's body. Arrange the starter on the chest, the main course on the belly and the desert on the abdomen and genitals.

    Stimulate the body with food

    Use food to stimulate your partner's body. Aim for subtle stimulation at first – slowly drip honey from a spoon into the navel, squeeze fresh orange juice onto the skin, run an ice cube over the nipples, lick chocolate sauce from the neck or, using whipped cream, make a pattern on the body and then lick it off.

    As your partner begins to get aroused, start to stimulate the genitals in an indirect way. For example, dribble champagne between her legs or place a bagel around his penis and nibble it, being sure to brush his penis 'accidentally' with your tongue.'

    O' My Natural LubricantWhen talking about blowjobs, Sex And The City's Samantha Jones once said: "Honey, they don't call it a job for nothing."

    Quite right, too. Blowjobs provoke different reactions in different women. For some it's a sure-fire way to blow their man's mind. For others it's a series of gag-reflexes, feelings of suffocation and nausea at the thought of swallowing sperm (especially if it's quite sour tasting – this can happen with guys who regularly smoke and drink). For me, it depends on who I'm with and what mood I'm in.

    Some friends of mine even go so far as deciding whether to give head based on the size of the guy's penis. Their reasoning for this? "Women have small mouths and if the guy's penis is too big, we'll just end up gagging." I can understand the point they're making, but it doesn't have to be that way. The secret to giving your man great head is finding a balance between making him feel totally engulfed without making you feel suffocated.

    This week, you will be playing a naughty game with your partner to enhance your dirty words vocabulary. Quite simply, the game will involve exploring each other's erogenous zones and combining your erotic exploration with sexual commands.

    Before starting this game, set the mood by having a candle-lit bath with your lover. Make sure you are both immaculately clean by the time you step out of the bath so that you are both confident in letting each other explore some of the most intimate areas of your body.

    Buy Tantus Zing Wireless Vibrating Silicone Butt Plug at LovehoneyI've been using a butt plug for a few years now, but I don't mind saying how weary I was the first time I tried one. It wasn't just because I was afraid of how it would feel when inserted, but more because I was broadening my sexual repertoire and that can always be a little scary as well as exciting.

    Because it was a few years ago, and because the butt plug was bought for me as a present, I can't actually remember the name of the first ever plug I used. But since then, I have finally settled on my absolute favourite plug, which is the one I want to tell you about.

    Using a butt plug as part of your sexual repertoire will lead to intense anal fulfilment and amazing orgasms. They're a fabulous way to initially explore the boundaries of anal sex, either through solo masturbation or for anal stimulation during vaginal sex with your lover. But if you have never used a butt plug before, I'd recommend you start off with some anal beads before graduating to a butt plug (check out the Small Beginners Anal Beads or Latex Power Balls).

    OK, how many of you watched Channel 4's cock-umentary on the world's biggest penis last week? I did, and it reminded me of an experience I had when I was a teenager. It wasn't anything to do with the world's biggest penis, but more like the world's smallest.

    My friend Jennie was dating this guy called Andrew, who was studying at Bournemouth University, and she nagged me to go with her to visit him for the weekend. The prospect of playing gooseberry just so Jennie could get her rocks off wasn't appealing in the slightest, especially seeing how most of Andrew's mate's comprised the biggest sector of geeks I'd ever laid eyes on.

    Still, the price of being a good friend is to sometimes waste a weekend talking to guys you'd never look at on a night out, just because you don't want to offend your mate's new beau.

    So we arrived at Bournemouth station, Andrew was late and we had to wait an age for him to turn up. He eventually strolled over to us, reeking of booze and declaring that he and his mates – who were huddled just a few meters down the platform giggling and pointing at Jen and I – were in the middle of an all-day drinking competition. They had decided that we had to join in immediately, even though we were laden with baggage.

    More dirty talk – erotic reading to get you fired up

    Buy Searching for Sex at Lovehoney So, how did it go the other night? Did you try those two simple examples I talked you through last week? Asking and sharing about what turns you and your lover on in bed is a major step towards full-blown dirty talk. It can be a little embarrassing for some though, and it will take them a while to make that leap between "Oooh" and "Oooh, I love it when you lick me there."

    So, if you were among those who felt a bit too exposed when sharing and asking your lover what turns them on, and vice versa, I've got a nifty trick that will help enhance you sexual confidence and make it easier for you to start talking dirty to one another.

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