This week, you will be playing a naughty game with your partner to enhance your dirty words vocabulary. Quite simply, the game will involve exploring each other's erogenous zones and combining your erotic exploration with sexual commands.
Before starting this game, set the mood by having a candle-lit bath with your lover. Make sure you are both immaculately clean by the time you step out of the bath so that you are both confident in letting each other explore some of the most intimate areas of your body.
I've been using a butt plug for a few years now, but I don't mind saying how weary I was the first time I tried one. It wasn't just because I was afraid of how it would feel when inserted, but more because I was broadening my sexual repertoire and that can always be a little scary as well as exciting.
Because it was a few years ago, and because the butt plug was bought for me as a present, I can't actually remember the name of the first ever plug I used. But since then, I have finally settled on my absolute favourite plug, which is the one I want to tell you about.
Using a butt plug as part of your sexual repertoire will lead to intense anal fulfilment and amazing orgasms. They're a fabulous way to initially explore the boundaries of anal sex, either through solo masturbation or for anal stimulation during vaginal sex with your lover. But if you have never used a butt plug before, I'd recommend you start off with some anal beads before graduating to a butt plug (check out the Small Beginners Anal Beads or Latex Power Balls).
OK, how many of you watched Channel 4's cock-umentary on the world's biggest penis last week? I did, and it reminded me of an experience I had when I was a teenager. It wasn't anything to do with the world's biggest penis, but more like the world's smallest.
My friend Jennie was dating this guy called Andrew, who was studying at Bournemouth University, and she nagged me to go with her to visit him for the weekend. The prospect of playing gooseberry just so Jennie could get her rocks off wasn't appealing in the slightest, especially seeing how most of Andrew's mate's comprised the biggest sector of geeks I'd ever laid eyes on.
Still, the price of being a good friend is to sometimes waste a weekend talking to guys you'd never look at on a night out, just because you don't want to offend your mate's new beau.
So we arrived at Bournemouth station, Andrew was late and we had to wait an age for him to turn up. He eventually strolled over to us, reeking of booze and declaring that he and his mates – who were huddled just a few meters down the platform giggling and pointing at Jen and I – were in the middle of an all-day drinking competition. They had decided that we had to join in immediately, even though we were laden with baggage.
More dirty talk – erotic reading to get you fired up
So, how did it go the other night? Did you try those two simple examples I talked you through last week? Asking and sharing about what turns you and your lover on in bed is a major step towards full-blown dirty talk. It can be a little embarrassing for some though, and it will take them a while to make that leap between "Oooh" and "Oooh, I love it when you lick me there."
So, if you were among those who felt a bit too exposed when sharing and asking your lover what turns them on, and vice versa, I've got a nifty trick that will help enhance you sexual confidence and make it easier for you to start talking dirty to one another.
I tried a new position last night, which, at first, I never thought would make me come, but it did… twice. So I thought I would share it with you guys in the hope that it gets you off as much as it did me.
It's probably called a million different names to a million different people, but I'm going to call this particular position the Horizontal Spoon.
The Horizontal Spoon is quite simple when you establish a rhythm, but actually getting into the position takes a tiny bit of maneuvering. You can either perform the Horizontal Spoon on your bed, your sofa or on the floor, and you'll need to apply a generous amount of lube beforehand – no matter how wet you are. The lube we used last night was called O' My Natural Lubricant", and I highly recommend it for grindier, more vigorous sex.
In this position your lover needs to lie straight on his back. There's an easy way to get into the Horizontal Spoon, which I tried last night and it worked without any discomfort. When you lover is lying on his back, straddle him in the Reverse Cowgirl position – gentle lower yourself down on to his penis with your bottom facing towards him.
'Get over here now and suck my clit hard, then plough your big, fat fuck-rod dick into my soaking wet pussy mountain.'
Don't be too shocked by the above statement. We're quite some way off that kind of one-liner for now, but that's exactly what we'll be aiming for in the near future. Surprised?
If your absolute burning desire is to find out how to tell your lover that they make you 'want to come really hard,' then you're in the wrong place. If you want to know how to tell your lover what makes you come; what you want them to do to you and vice versa; and how to use a plethora of filthy phrases and dirty words to tip your lover over the orgasmic edge in bed, congratulations! You're in the right place.
My name is Bad kitty and I have been a very Bad Kitty.
I promised you that last Friday you would be reading the first in a master class series of how to talk dirty to your lover. I didn't post it. But I have a very good reason why it didn't appear.
Hey sex kittens
Don't miss tomorrow's blog, as it will be the first part in a new Masterclass series about how to talk dirty to your lover.
We're going to start off simply with a few sexy phrases and suggestions of scenarios in which to use them; working all the way up over the next few weeks to turn you into a dirty sex talk goddess.
See you in class tomorrow… and don't be late or I'll spank your bottom!
Not content with grabbing the bosoms of embarrassed women and criticising their fashion tastes to the point of abuse, on their old BBC Show What Not To Wear, self-professed fashion stylists Trinny and Susannah are now hell-bent on trying their hand at 'healing marriages' in a new sex show.
Trinny And Susannah Undress starts next Tuesday (3 Oct) on ITV1, and is said to revolve around married couples whose sex lives have taken a nosedive.
And how exactly do Trinny and Susannah think they can put the "Oooh" back into a stale, 'sex is the last thing on my mind' marriage? By hiring a hotel room and locking the poor marital sods in there, with all manner of kinky treats including leopard-print handcuffs, edible panties and body paint.
Susannah even takes one of the women featured on the show shopping for sex toys. Let's hope she starts them off on a Mini Rabbit vibe and not a Strap-on…
According to the press release, Trinny And Susannah Undress also contains a segment called Naked Truth, during which the couple they're trying to help gets the chance to strip off behind a screen and talk about each other's bodies. Hmmm, here's hoping for some dirty talk!
I'll definitely be checking this out next Tuesday, if not to see if they actually achieve anything with this program but to see what Trinny and Susannah deem 'sexy' when it comes to male underpants.
If you have a spare few minutes whilst at home or in work this afternoon, hop on over to the BBC website and check out their bizarre but true story of Beijing's Penis Emporium.
Dog penises and testes, donkey cock, snake penises (snakes apparently have two each penises, according to a source quoted in the piece); sheep, horse, ox, seal and tiger. Apparently, all tastes and bank balances are catered for at Beijing's Penis Emporium.
I know the old saying goes something like, 'Don't knock it until you try it.' But seal penis? I don't think so…