All the plain looking women can take heart - now they have the chance to be a pageant winner, too. All they have to do is know about HIV/Aids and know their way around blowing up and twirling condoms… yes, I said twirling condoms.
Come summertime, there is one thing I know that I can count on same as I count on morning following night - I will have someone staying over at mine. With people coming up for wedding parties and kids off on summer holidays, it's the perfect time to take a weekend and sleep on my couch.
As much as I love my friends, though, I don't necessarily need all of them to know the intimate details of my toy collection (I save such delicate information for my anonymous readers… ) So in the spirit of giving helpful hints, let me give you some ideas for keeping your sex life out of dinner table conversation (though feel free to put it on the dinner table, if you like… )
Some of the best toys are stepping away from basic flesh coloured, genital simulators. Not only do these toys rock because they reach areas that others miss, but you can leave them out for guests to appreciate your "art" collection.
Nobody likes interrupting a long licking session to shave those nasty artificial lube flavours off their tongue. If licking's turned to gurning for you one too many times, check out what this Orgasm Army reviewer has to say about the natural taste and long-lasting slippery fun of Sliquid Swirl Flavoured Lubricant!
Spotted in the Metro (and a few other places) on July 6 - a story that minces no words with the title Teen has Sex with Cow. The papers have been milking (urf!) this one for all it's worth… In Skipwith, North Yorkshire, a teenager wearing only 'black briefs' was caught by a passer-by having sex with an English Longhorn. He fled when the voyeur shouted at him, and was nowhere to be seen when the police arrived (no surprises there!). The cow's owner reckons it had been groomed for sex, as the feed bucket had been moved around to suit the udder-loving cow fiend.
It is our solemn duty at Lovehoney to remind all of you that sex with cows is illegal and probably immoral, and to offer a legal, safe alternative way to stick your cock in a cow - the Classified Mr Moo Sex Pouch! Guaranteed not to get you in trouble with the law, unless you start waggling it about at the supermarket. If that doesn't wow you, say 'How now' to Pat the Inflatable Cow, which will moo with delight as you toy with her udders. Hey, whatever turns you on…
Spotted in the Sun on 3 July, We're the splish sploshers, an article all about women whose greatest joy is getting wet. And no, we don't mean just between their legs, but all over! So the next time you see a couple wading into the sea fully clothed, or girls out walking the dog in a storm with no umbrella, you won't need to wonder why they're grinning from ear to ear any more. They've probably been having a great summer so far! The thought of those translucent clothes clinging to voluptuous curves makes us sympathetic to this particular kink, but if just getting in a bath with stilettos on is a turn-on, just imagine how much more fun it would be with a Waterproof Vibrating Bath Massager or something else from our range of toys for bathroom sex!
Spotted in the Metro on June 27, Forget dogging - the new sex craze is 'furring'. Apparently footballers and funlovers all over the country are hiring furry animal costumes - one fancy-dress shop owner gets most requests for Sylvester the Cat - and getting them covered in sex juice during romps in the wood. St Austell has been pinpointed as epicentre of the 'furvert' craze, but we'd like to see it move away from the Cornish hinterlands and into the mainstream of British sex life. So if you fancy getting furry but don't want to shell out for a Cowardly Lion outfit, try a Bunny Set with Bendable Bunny Ears. But take some wellies if you're going in the woods, my Donald Duck feet got ruined by the mud last time…
OK, so it's not really a sex toy, but listen: the Classified French Maid Dress might save your sex life! Don't just take our word for it - spotted in the Metro last Thursday was a news item called Fantasies boost sex life. This probably isn't news for most of you - but a Spanish study's been bigging up sex fantasies as being less the preserve of the dirty mac brigade and more an essential part of healthy sex.
Seen on the BBC website 29 June: Boyfriend pillow for Japan singles. Billed as 'the ultimate sleeping partner', this pillow with attached man arm (artificial, of course, so it'll last longer without staining the pillow) is allegedly perfect for snuggling up to when your man's away. Or has dumped you, etc. Junko Suzuki, interviewed by AP, had this to say: 'It keeps holding me all the way through. I think this is great because this does not betray me.'
Sadly the boyfriend pillow is only available in Japan at present, but we at Lovehoney have our own suggestions for keeping you girls company without snores or lager burps, ranging from the Fist of Fury, an arm that's probably a bit hard to sleep on but can do other things without getting soggy, unlike the boyfriend pillow, to the inimitable Grow Your Own Boyfriend, the perfect gift for the newly single.
TV sex expert Tracey Cox has a range of vibrators and lubes available exclusively through Lovehoney. If you've never tried a lube before, you could do a lot worse than have a go with her Supersex Mint Tingle Lube, which has all the super-slipperiness of a top-quality lube and a minty-fresh smell and taste.
Orgasm Army reviewer Miss Kitty was so impressed with the stuff that she's written the most detailed review we've ever seen, complete with hints and tips for how you can make the most of it. Hold tight, because here's a sample:
"Lying there stripped bare and tied down firmly he starts to tease me, applies the lube to me first and starts rubbing gently, it heats up, it’s strong stuff and I wriggle in my bonds. They he blows, gentle but cold across my anointed crevice. I gasp, it’s freezing, tormenting, then hot again! He laughs and blows again, I kick him. He starts to tease me as the heat builds, I squirm around more, it stays hot even when not touched at all and is the perfect tease…"
See the full Supersex Mint Tingle Review at Orgasm Army.
Buy the Tracey Cox Supersex Mint Tingle Lube.