Ep.17 Sexual Happiness Podcast: How Can I Feel Sexy?

by Sammi

on 29 Aug 2019

The Sexual Happiness Podcast logo

Did you know that a lack of confidence in our own bodies is one of the biggest inhibitors to living a sexually happy life? Well, this week on the Sexual Happiness Podcast, we decided to do our best to remedy that.

With the help of body confidence advocate, model, and influencer Jess Megan, Sammi and guest host Kate talk about why we might not always feel our sexiest, and what all of us can do to remedy that.

And of course we cover our usual segments "You can never know enough about sex" and "Question of the week" where we share what we've learned about sex this week, and answer your sex questions.

Got a question or topic you want us to cover? Email us at podcast@lovehoney.com or comment below.

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Sammi [00:00:07] Hello. You're listening to the Sexual Happiness Podcast from Lovehoney, the podcast where we answer your questions about sex and sex toys. I'm Sammi.

Kate [00:00:15] I'm Kate.

Sammi [00:00:15] And this week on the show we are joined by the incredible model and influencer, Jess Megan, to help us answer the question: how can we feel sexy? Hello, Jess!

Jess [00:00:25] Hi!

Sammi [00:00:25] Thank you so much for coming on the show today.

Jess [00:00:27] Oh you're very welcome. I'm very excited to be here.

Sammi [00:00:30] So, we're going to get into the topic shortly, but before we do that: tou may have heard at the beginning that that we don't have Nick with us this week, or our usual Jess. We have, instead, Kate! Say hello, Kate.

Kate [00:00:39] Hello!

Sammi [00:00:40] So Kate, do you want to our tell our listeners a bit about what you do at Lovehoney?

Kate [00:00:43] Yes, of course. So I'm Lovehoney's resident meme queen. I look after our social media channels, so Facebook, Instagram, and all that lovely stuff. And yes, that is me.

Sammi [00:00:53] Fantastic. Thank you for coming on. And we are, of course, joined by Jess Megan as I said at the beginning. Hello, hello!

Jess [00:00:58] Hello, hello, hello!

Sammi [00:00:59] And so, Jess, what is it.... What do you do? Tell us a bit more about that.

Jess [00:01:04] I'm a bit of a, sort of a, like, I have my fingers in a lot of pies.

Sammi [00:01:07] Okay.

Jess [00:01:09] So I am... I'm a model. I guess in the industry I am considered a plus size model, but, you know, I'm sort of a size 12 to 14. And also I am a body image activist and a feminist. And oh my God, I mean, yeah, that's pretty much all I do. My... My end goal list is the normalization of women's bodies.

Sammi [00:01:29] Amazing!

Jess [00:01:30] Yeah, I'm a very loud, very loud person.

Sammi [00:01:34] And very open about sexuality and sex.

Jess [00:01:36] Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. Yes.

Sammi [00:01:39] [We're] So, so happy for you to be here this week. It's going to be a really good show for you guys. But before we get onto Jess' tips for how to feel sexy, we're gonna have to do our "You Can Never Know Enough About Sex" section. So, this is where we share a sex fact that we've learned during the week. So, who wants to kick off with something they learned?

Kate [00:01:56] Shall I go?

Jess [00:01:57] Go, go.

Kate [00:01:59] According to a new scientific study, people who use more emojis have more sex.

Sammi [00:02:04] Really?

Kate [00:02:05] Yeah. It has something to do with... So when you meet people face to face, you kind of rely on body language cues. So by using smileys and things like that, you know, you're kind of emulating that, I guess, on your phone.

Sammi [00:02:18] Yeah.

Kate [00:02:19] And we can imagine they're probably using the wink, you know, the peach, maybe the aubergine, you never know.

Sammi [00:02:26] The splash!

Jess [00:02:26] The aubergine and the water...

Kate [00:02:28] Classic.

Sammi [00:02:31] Incredible. There's, um... There's a great - there's a great video on our YouTube channel, isn't there, where we played a game called, well, it was, basically 'Guess the Sex Phrase' using emojis.

Kate [00:02:42] Oh my gosh, yes.

Sammi [00:02:42] And if you haven't seen that, I would advise you to go and check it out because it is very funny. So did you find anything out about sex this week that you don't know, Jess?

Jess [00:02:51] I did. And my thing is, I mean, like, completely sex positive here, no judgment. But I just... It was a new thing I learned that apparently people have a fetish for.

Sammi [00:03:03] OK.

Jess [00:03:04] And it's called - I'm sure you guys, I'm like, curious to see your reactions - the ovipositor.

Sammi [00:03:09] Oh yes.

Jess [00:03:10] Yes?

Sammi [00:03:10] Yes.

Kate [00:03:11] I have not heard of this, no.

Jess [00:03:13] So the ovipositor is a... It's basically... Sort of... It's sort of like a, sort of, an alien dildo so to speak, right? Is that how you describe it?

Sammi [00:03:25] Yeah.

Jess [00:03:25] And it's got... And it's got a hollow tube, and you insert these gelatine eggs, these jelly-like eggs inside and then the, the, the person with, you know, the person who has the, has the toy can basically like, sort of deposit these gelatine eggs into whichever cavity they feel that they want to. So you know, could be, like, your vagina, could be your anus, but the idea is that it simulates the feeling of being impregnated or fertilized by an alien or an insect.

Sammi [00:04:00] Yeah.

Kate [00:04:00] Interesting.

Jess [00:04:01] Yeah.

Sammi [00:04:02] It's quite niche, that one, I think.

Jess [00:04:04] It's quite niche but apparently... Well because I looked for it... Because when I found out about it, apparently there is quite a, I mean, there is a market for it. I know, the guy that came up with them, he's doing quite well. Like there is definitely a fetish for it and, I just, I mean, the looks of these things I just thought was like, "Oh my God", because it's just they - because apparently they quite quickly dissolve in like bodily fluids. So...

Sammi [00:04:29] They kind of break down in the body.

Jess [00:04:30] They break down in the body, yes. So... But I was I was absolutely fascinated by this. I mean like, other people's, sort of, like, kinks and pleasures and fetishes, I just find, like... I'm always interested to know more about the world of sex because we're all such weird and wonderful beings and we have all these different preferences. But that was one that I was like [gasps] that stood out to me, and I was like "I want to talk about that on the podcast".

Sammi [00:04:52] So, I found out this week that 10 percent of people (one in 10) are having sex with their glasses on. Now, I... I wear glasses. I don't think I've ever had sex with my glasses on. It seems like if you're taking your clothes off, off come the glasses as well, but apparently, 16 percent of people can't see their partners' faces if they take off their glasses, so obviously they'd rather be able to see their partner, and 20 percent of them, if they take off their glasses before sex, then can't find them again.

Jess [00:05:21] That's an issue.

Sammi [00:05:22] I guess the solution is to keep them on your face. But I would have thought in certain positions, like missionary, they're going to be falling off.

Jess [00:05:31] Missionary?

Sammi [00:05:31] If you're the one on top in missionary, I'm thinking.

Jess [00:05:33] I see, right, I've got it.

Sammi [00:05:33] Anything where your head is facing down.

Jess [00:05:35] Sure. Oh, I thought you meant if you're lying down.

Sammi [00:05:40] They'd have to really be going at it.

Jess [00:05:42] But what if it gets a bit steamy and a bit sweaty, and you don't want to have to be, like, dealing with, like, them falling off and all this kind of...

Sammi [00:05:48] Steamed-up glasses.

Jess [00:05:50] Yeah, yeah. I mean like, I mean, you usually have to be in a much smaller space anyway, to like, build up some serious steam anyway but like, yeah, it's just like...

Sammi [00:06:00] They'd have to be in the car in Titanic for that.

Kate [00:06:03] The hand sliding down the window.

Sammi [00:06:03] Down your glasses. Yeah.

Kate [00:06:07] Hot.

Sammi [00:06:08] Yeah. So, okay: glasses, emojis, ovipositors. What a day this has been for us.

Kate [00:06:14] It's crazy.

Sammi [00:06:15] So, that brings us onto our main topic of the week, which is how can we feel sexy in the bedroom? Because this is something that we found a lot of people struggle with, and a lot of people say one of their biggest inhibitors when it comes to sex is is their own perception of their own body and thinking about that, or being conscious about that tends to get in the way of sex. But what do you think are the reasons that people might not be feeling sexy in the bedroom?

Jess [00:06:40] So I think, obviously, the main inhibitor, I mean, there... I mean, this, this whole subject is so broad and it's so wide and I'm coming - I can only speak from, you know, you know, I can, as far as my own horizons go. I am, for listeners, I am a, I'm a white cis, I'm a, I'm, sort of, I'm non-disabled, I've got a size 12 body, so there are, there are definitely things about my body that I struggle with, but obviously I may not have the same struggles as, say, for example, somebody who is disabled, [or] trans, like, there's so many different factors that can come in the way of you feeling sexy in the bedroom and I think one of the biggest reasons that we don't feel... We might not feel sexy in the bedroom is because we have not seen, or maybe perhaps you have not seen, your body reflected back at you from the media. And oftentimes when we see people having sex in pornography, in film, whatever it is, however you consume that media, oftentimes we see one standard body type or variations of that standard body type. And that can make us feel very, like, perhaps we aren't deserving of pleasure or, perhaps we don't, because we don't see it happen for us, Wwe think maybe we're not... It's a huge factor and it's something that... This is something I'm very passionate about is, you know, we need to be sort of, like, making sure that a huge representation of bodies is represented, because otherwise it makes us very self-conscious. And, yeah, I think that's a big... I mean, there's lots of reasons, [but] that's a big one.

Sammi [00:08:12] Yeah. That's a massive, massive part.

Kate [00:08:14] I think one of the main reasons why someone might not feel sexy is, I guess, busy schedules and that involves a whole wide range of things including stress, tiredness... I feel like they all kind of breed negativity and you allow those negative thoughts to, kind of, like, just seep in because it feels like everything is rubbish at that time. So I feel that that kind of has an impact on the way you perceive yourself, especially if you're not, like, prioritizing your own self-pleasure as well because you simply don't have the time for it. So, I feel like, you know, that is, that is a form of sex and it's as if you're having sex with yourself and obviously you're going to feel like amazing, you know, if you've achieved orgasm or just had a really good time, I think it has a huge effect if you're not having the time to just enjoy yourself, and have that kind of self-care session as well.

Sammi [00:09:08] So there's almost, kind of, two sides of it. There's the feeling sexy in your body and in your own skin. And then there's actually being in the mental space to feel sexy as well. So body positivity, being- feeling mentally sexy are two of the big hurdles that people have to overcome. But what do you think can be the benefits to people feeling... Feeling confident in their skin, feeling like they're in a sexually receptive mood, like, how do you think that can benefit their sex lives and their relationships?

Jess [00:09:36] Like - I've definitely found this growing up and I think a lot people will be able to relate - the ability to have an orgasm comes from feeling confident and sexy, and because if you're busy... If you're having sex and you're too busy thinking about how your body looks from a certain angle, whether or not, OK, like, you know, "My boobs are saggy" or, or, you know, "I know I look tired or whatever", you're not going to be in the right frame of mind to achieve an orgasm. So finding body confidence in bed is absolutely crucial for a fulfilling sex life. And this is one of the core reasons that there is such a big gap in... Like, the orgasm gap. This is partially, I mean there's lots of reasons as to why, but that's a big reason, because women have been consistently taught that their bodies are a "to do" list of things that need to be fixed. And when we're naked with someone all of those things are amplified to like a thousand and so we sort of, like, it... We become very self-conscious, and then we end up, you know, we end up not having sex, we're posing. Yeah, the benefits of being confident are absolutely, like, it means that you will have a much more fulfilling sex life, you will have... you will achieve orgasm much, much easier, and also you will take that attitude with you out into the real world. Feeling good in the bedroom is.. If you feel good in the bedroom and you know what you want and how to communicate that to your partner, you will take that mentality out into the real world with you. So it's absolutely important and I say this to women: teach yourself. Spend time. Don't... This isn't, like, an afterthought, like, something that you should maybe do... You know like... I mean, literally work on yourself like school, like it's a lesson. Like, sit down with yourself for an hour every day if you can, but if not, then, you know, just make time. Sit with yourself, be with your body, be naked with yourself. It's so so important no matter what size you are, no matter whether you're trans or disabled, just make time for you and your body.

Sammi [00:11:46] Absolutely. Yeah. And I think there's also this idea, isn't there, that sex is... I mean, sex is a beautiful thing but sex is also very primal and very messy and sweaty and noises happen and things.

Kate [00:12:02] Oh God, yes.

Sammi [00:12:02] And it's not yet necessarily... I think I said, once said something like, "Sex isn't a ballet, it's more like an impromptu slut drop", and you kind of just, throw yourself into it. And it's probably not gonna be the most polished thing. But if you're having a good time, that's the main thing and I think it's easy to think that in the moment that you have to be this glamorous, or this, you know, virile person or whatever, but actually you're gonna get messy, you're gonna be pulling faces, you're gonna be doing these things and that's why it's fun.

Jess [00:12:32] Yes, it... we sweat, we... It's an absolute, I mean, it's just a complete mess.

Kate [00:12:38] From what you guys have just said as well, like, if you feel confident and sexy, you kind of get out of your own head and you get out of this cycle of thinking, "I'm this, I'm that, I don't deserve this" or whatever and you can focus on the moment and actually have fun with your partner and have a laugh. It's funny. And, like, you can laugh it off, and I feel like that's only going to strengthen the bond with your partner, and that level of intimacy, or you know, even with yourself if you're masturbating like... I think 100 percent that can be a major benefit.

Sammi [00:13:07] Yeah. And, you know, sex isn't... Yes, sex isn't just about your partner, but it's also not just about you (if you are having sex with another person, not having sex with yourself) and... If you are having sex with another person, they're going to realize that you're not in the moment. If you're thinking about how your thighs look or if you're thinking about, "Oh no, if they go down on me they're gonna be looking up at my double chins" or like, that kind of thing. So they want a partner who's present; you want to be present because you're more likely to enjoy it; and if you're confident, you're more likely to experience that being present in the moment. And it's better for everyone involved, really.

Jess [00:13:41] Absolutely. And then also the other thing is that, if you... I mean, if you're having sex with someone that makes you feel anything other than amazing and hot then that person is gone. Do not waste your time having sex with people that make you feel like you're not good enough. Because trust me, you are, and you are sexy, and you know it's an absolute... It's a crime that like anyone... I mean, I don't think there's a single person I haven't spoken to who hasn't said something like, "Oh he's mentioned that.." you know, or "She mentioned..." Or, you know what I mean, it's like, she said, "I had a small penis" and, "Oh he didn't like this". It sticks with people. But the thing is you have to realize you're not the sum of that, like, one body part, you know, you are a whole being. You deserve to feel pleasure and do not waste your time having sex with people that make you feel bad about your body because that is just... Honestly, it's it's just not... You ARE better than that, no matter how low you might be feeling, you do not deserve to have anyone tell you any different.

Sammi [00:14:38] So it's... We all know that there are various things within society, within ourselves, that make feeling sexy and make feeling confident difficult, but what do you think are the main tips that we can give our listeners (that we can give each other) for feeling sexy and for feeling confident in today's world?

Jess [00:14:56] So I... Okay, so here's a big thing. So, right, that I assume a lot of the people that would be listening are likely to be on social media. If that is the case, you need to customize your feed. So that it is a rolling sort of, like, highlight reel of people that look like you, people who are honest, and people who are authentic. Obviously, social media can only be so authentic. But I will... I would say definitely unfollow anybody who makes you feel like you're not... you're not worthy or you're not, you know, you don't have value because you don't look like them. Make sure you customize your feed and make sure you're following people that have similar bodies to you and enjoy being in those bodies. That's a big, big thing. Also, spending time with yourself. Masturbate. Masturbate, get to know your body, find out your... What makes you feel good. And also learn about the body outside of, just, outside of just, like, being sexy. Like, learn about it scientifically. These are things that kind of, it kind of takes away, because I think we've, we've lost... We have lost contact in, like, an understanding of our bodies in the sense that especially as women we are very sexualized a lot of the time, and we are very objectified, so we've stopped seeing our bodies as they are and how other people see them. And that can mean that we become... We've become quite sort of disenfranchised and quite disconnected. So as a, as I say to especially, like, maybe trans women as well, like, get to know your body like, feel like, feel yourself up, like, touch yourself and love yourself as intimately as a partner would. And I mean, like, someone who treat yourself as well as that, you know, I think that's, those are, those... I mean, that's two, I think, two really important, like, things that I would I would definitely do.

Kate [00:16:43] I think doing things for yourself, like, even wearing sexy lingerie or something. Something like...

Jess [00:16:48] That's not vapid! Do that. That's a good tip.

Kate [00:16:52] Something that's not... You know, you still feel comfortable in it. It's not something that, you know, you feel constrained in or anything like that, but it's just something that gives you that bit of oomph, and that bit of confidence, and you look in the mirror and you think, like, "You know what? I look hot.".

Sammi [00:17:05] Yeah.

Jess [00:17:05] Yeah. There's nothing, nothing wrong... There's nothing wrong with narcissism. I think that there is a huge issue recently with self-love and so on. It's like "Oh, isn't it just narcissistic?". Like, what's so wrong? As long as you're not eclipsing other people and you're not, sort of, taking away their voice, there's nothing wrong with being a little bit, sort of, like - not even a little bit, a lot, love yourself. Big. Like, give yourself, like, the same passion and devotion that, you know, that, you know, you would expect from someone else, like, you know, you are your number one cheerleader. If you like dressing up in lingerie and, like, parading in front of a mirror and that makes you feel good, then do it. Like, absolutely do it. There's nothing wrong, there's nothing shameful about that. It's... It's what is good for you, it's what pleases you. So yeah, it's a good tip.

Sammi [00:17:54] And it's not even just lingerie, is it? It's like any kind of outfit that you put on and you're like "Oh my God I look the tits", like, that kind of thing.

Jess [00:18:00] Yeah, absolutely.

Sammi [00:18:01] And any... And people also think, as well, that they have to save those kind of outfits for a special occasion, or it has to be for a reason. You're like, no. If you get up on a Monday morning and you think "Oh, I'm going to wear the nice underwear, I'm going to do the nice thing", It's like: do it. Feel like you can do it. Because if you're able to feel sexy or powerful or confident at any point in your life, then you can easily - more easily - translate that into the bedroom when it gets to that point.

Jess [00:18:26] Yes, girl, exactly. Like, Oh my God, it's so sad, the amount of people that... They save, they basically almost like, they, they save things for when they feel like they've earned them. There's all sorts of, like, restrictions we put on ourselves. It's like "I'm not allowed to do this yet until I've reached this point, I'm not allowed to do this yet." Do it. Do it now. Do not wait. Do not wait until you've reached a point of, you know, like, until you've hit all of your "To Do" list, you've ticked off all of the things that you meant to do. Enjoy your body now. Put on the lingerie. Wear the sexy, you know, wear the sexy lingerie that you've been saving, drink the whisky in the cabinet that you were saving for... You know, actually do these things now because, I mean, you know, not to get like... but the thing is, is that life is fleeting and you are absolutely well deserving of enjoying yourself today.

Sammi [00:19:18] Exactly.

Kate [00:19:19] I think this level of, kind of, picking ourselves apart and then wanting to make it like ten million times better as well is only amplified, as you said before, by social media. So we see all these amazing lives and like, these amazing people with amazing bodies and faces and makeup and everything like that, and hair, and we feel like we have to live up to that new kind of expectation almost that we see on social media every day. And I feel like, you know, young people now, like our generation now are just feeling this more and more. But as you said before, I think it's just a case of kind of like tailoring your feed so it shows you things that don't make you feel like you need to change anything about yourself. Which is the issue, really.

Sammi [00:20:05] So for those of us of, or for those of our listeners out there who are in a relationship of any kind. We're saying that for a lot of, well for the majority of the time, feeling sexy has to come from yourself and your own drives. But do you think there are things that your partner can do to help you feel sexy (if you have one)?

Jess [00:20:23] Well, ultimately, I would always encourage self-love. And so (and, like, masturbation and solo love) because I always... I I truly believe that that is a fantastic thing that... Someone (I think it was a comedian), he said "If you love yourself at 30 percent and someone comes along and loves you at 40 percent, that seems like a lot. But if you love yourself at 100 percent, then that person has to go above and beyond the call of duty to make you feel good." Now, my thing is solo, like, get to know your body on an intimate basis, love your body, masturbate, feel the things that turn you on and sit with your body for a while, now... You do that first. That's step number one. That's 101. The next thing that comes after that is having- throwing someone else in the mix and then they... and getting them to help you discover different levels of pleasure. And your partner plays a crucial role in, I mean, like, one of the other reasons I say it's important to get to know your body and and become body confident is that if you do happen to maybe sleep with someone, or have sex with, you know, something happens and they say something negative about your body, then it won't hurt you so much because you already have the tools to combat those, like, that, that kind of like, you know, that, whatever they've said. So when it comes to your partner, presuming that you have a fabulous, you know, open communicative relationship with that partner, I think that your partner can definitely like, I think, with you, kind of, already on that journey to self-love, your partner can solidify or calcify those feelings about yourself by maybe, you know, you can say to them, "I'm feeling a little bit low, I've always had a bit of a problem with this aspect of my body. Could you, could you maybe just every so often, like, tell me that you think it's beautiful?" and, like, that I mean they they can basically reflect back at you the feeling, these feelings, of self-love and worthiness and so that it becomes a vacuum of, like, just, positivity and good, like, I hate [the term] "good vibes", it sounds almost like inauthentic, it doesn't sound real. But what I mean is, is that you both together can create this, like, lovely warm vacuum of, like, feeling, of making each other feel good. And that will create, that will strengthen the bond and it can... I mean, I do believe that emotionally, I mean, aside from that physically, I mean like it's like sex is amazing and the possibilities are endless with a partner. So, like, you know there's all sorts of things you can do together. It's definitely like you know, work, work. That communication is absolutely essential. Tell them what you want in bed. And I think this is something that we struggle with a lot, and I'd say women struggle with a lot because we do struggle to figure out what we want, and we do because we, maybe we're not as in tune with our bodies as we should be. So we struggle to like, basic also because I think we're worried about hurting their egos and I'm worried about you know maybe suggesting maybe them taking on this idea that we're saying we don't think that they're good enough or they're not doing as well as they should be. But basically a good partner will, and should, take on board what you, like, your feelings and what you want more of in bed. So, yeah, I would say that's another way your partner can help you, is by being receptive and responsive to the things that you are feeling, and the things that you want in bed and visa versa. It's a two way street. So very, very crucial.

Sammi [00:24:05] In, kind of, helping you to feel that your desires and your insecurities are valid and like, that, it's OK to talk about them.

Jess [00:24:11] Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. Don't discredit, like, your partner's insecurities about anything, like, talk to them about it. And of course, like, it is difficult. And I actually... I do get a lot of people on Instagram messaging me saying "My... My partner thinks this about their body, how do I make them feel better?" And that's something that's... It's really touching, and I can definitely like... Because I know that when we're... When we're naked with someone, or when we're vulnerable with someone, we might, sort of, say really deprecating things about ourselves, and it can be hurtful to hear someone you love talk about themselves in that way. And that's... I can totally understand why they reach out to me because it's like, "How do I... How do I make them feel good?" And it's like, you can help, but you are not the source of their insecurities. They are, and they need to work on themselves and you can help them by doing this, this and this. But ultimately it comes from within. So yeah, definitely. You are number one in this scenario.

Kate [00:25:13] A lot of it does come from within and, kind of, I don't know, your, like, the self - No, I don't want say self-respect, but that that level of confidence and self-assurance and stuff and anything that your partner can add to that is obviously amazing. And just, like, making you feel loved, I guess, as well. It doesn't always have to be like, they'd have to come strolling in like "Hey I'm here to make you feel sexier" They can get into bed and they can, like, give you a nice massage or something like that, and just let, all, kind of, yeah, you know, little things that just make you feel really appreciated. I think that can give you a massive, like, self-confidence boost, almost, which in turn makes you feel a little bit sexier. So exactly.

Jess [00:25:57] I've got one more, actually, I just thought. I remember I dated somebody once who was very, very self-critical, and I said, "You're not allowed to say anything self-critical about yourself, like, like, in front of me. Like, you're just not allowed to. Like, you can't say" - because it was constant, but it came out in a very joking way. They were joking about it, but it was like, it was you know, veiled. It was real, but it was veiled with, like, a sort of humour. And I said "We're not gonna do that anymore. You're not going to do that around me because I..." I just, it was more of an experiment. And they noticed that it made a difference to their actual, like, how they saw themselves, because they weren't, because they weren't allowed to say those things. It sort of became a, like... And it also meant they had to catch themselves before they said it. So they were like, "Oh, you know, because, I'm really sorry I'm not supposed to say that". And then that would, like... The dialogue changed. And if you, if you say these things out loud. So that's something that I did. And that seemed to help. So that's another thing you can do if your partner is someone who makes self-deprecating comments about themselves, and, you know, comments, you know, about their body or, you know, whether or not they're stupid or whatever. You can literally say to them, like, "We're not going to do that anymore. You're not going to do that because it's not true. And I want you instead to replace it with... You're going to say this, or you're going to say something positive" because you, know you, have to counteract it. You have to balance it out. And that's, that's a really good thing because it gets you into a force of habit that then you're not allowed to say bad things about yourself. And, you know, it does change the way you think as well, because you obviously we will have internal dialogues, we have inner monologues. And if that inner monologue is just constant, like, constantly, like, berating you, like, you know, self-flagellation and just, like, then that's going to do no good for your self-esteem. And it's completely worthless, really; it's just a horrible way to kind of, like, keep yourself down and you deserve so much more. But, yeah, that's something that your part- that you as a partner can definitely help with. Or you can get your partner to do that for you.

Sammi [00:28:08] Yeah. Perfect. I really like that, that's a really good tip.

Jess [00:28:10] As I said at the beginning, sexiness is so... It's such a broad thing. And, you know, as I said, I can only cover so much in terms of feeling sexy, especially in a body that is widely accepted as normal. And, I mean, I hate that word, but at the end of the day, what they- what I mean by that is it's standard. You see a lot of my body type represented in the media. And by that I mean, you know, I'm non-disabled, all these things. And I think that, as I said, with with regards to customizing your social media feeds, and also the greatest thing we have at the moment are podcasts. So, you know, you can listen to people who are exactly like you, and you can look at people who are like you, and you... And luckily... Beforehand, whereas all our media was controlled and we couldn't see anyone that looked like us or sounded like us, now, you have that. Now, we have access to all these amazing different media forms. So I definitely say take advantage of that. Take advantage of those people out there, because there will be somebody out there who is like you, who is also sex positive, and we can, I mean... Also, I mean, links are very important for that. Like, I do a lot of that, I link people to people who are... They might find solace in on my social media. But yes, definitely, find your people. And that way, you know, it, that will definitely build your confidence. Take advantage of that, for sure, and then you will feel a lot, lot sexier and you will, like, feel a lot more just... Accepted. Yeah, included. That's, I mean, that's so, so vital, I think, to body confidence in the bedroom.

Sammi [00:29:45] So that brings us on to our question of the week this week ,which has come from the Lovehoney forum. And the question is: "My partner and I are going to be taking some naughty snaps of each other soon, and just wanted some tips on how to make sure they flatter us. We don't want to end up looking like a pair of drunks gurning at the camera. We want some really sexy ones if we can." So, I think this couple are looking for tips for how to take snaps, whether there are some good poses, anything in terms of setting... What can we advise, guys?

Jess [00:30:14] Ooh... It's interesting, actually, because of how this feeds into the topic we've been discussing with regards to sex and how sex isn't always necessarily flattering. Anyway, I... So... So, the sort of body confidence activist in me wants to say "You guys are going to look effing hot, so please don't think about what's flattering". So yeah, it's like... "I don't want to look like a pair of drunks gurning at the camera." If you... I mean, OK, so I suppose the thing is you could look at photos of other couples that you like, and you can try and like simulate, (simulate? Is that the right word?) and you can try and sort of, like, emulate. That's the word I'm looking for. You can try and emulate that. But also, please bear in mind that if you're going to be, sort of like, looking at photos like that, you know, lighting is a big, big part of it as well. You know if you... Lighting is very... Is very important, you know, and it dictates the photo. So, I would say if you want to take some "naughty snaps"... Well, bearing in mind, you know, please keep the neighbours in mind when doing this, but definitely do it near a bright window. Daylight, you know, is very good. It makes all the difference. So yeah, that's, that... That's what I'd say. But I particularly like the "pair of drunks gurning at the camera". And yeah, I don't suppose... Yeah. Just make sure you next to a big window, maybe the front room or something. Let the light in and, you know, get yourself a tripod. Yeah. That's a good one. Also, you can get yourself some of these tripods with like, Bluetooth remotes, right, so that's very good. So yeah, you just take... You get yourself one of those, they're quite cheap, like 20 quid I think, and then you just, like, you can just like, kind of control it from... From across the room. So yeah, like, that's what I'd say, a Bluetooth camera. Big, big window. Lots of daylight. Yeah.

Sammi [00:32:15] And I think also be prepared to take a lot of pictures because...

Jess [00:32:18] Oh my God. Yes.

Sammi [00:32:19] You know, for every great picture you see of anybody, there are 40 discarded ones.

Jess [00:32:26] Yeah. Social media person here, trust me, I take.. There is... There's a, like, the photo that makes the grade? Behind that there's a lot of photos that didn't. And they got deleted so please don't lose hope.

Sammi [00:32:39] Yeah.

Kate [00:32:39] I think a big thing is, like, make sure this is fun for you as well. Make sure you're comfortable. Like, I don't know whether they're going to be doing these naked or in lingerie or something, but make sure whatever you're wearing, you feel comfortable in, and you feel yourself in, and don't be afraid to have a laugh. Like, things like sex like we said earlier, it's not always going to go right. There might be some poses that you do and you think "Oh my gosh, we look ridiculous", but it's all about having fun. And I want to ask, like, where are these pictures going? Where who are you sending them to? Because if they're just for you two, then they should be something for you guys to look back on and think, "Oh my gosh, wasn't that sexy, wasn't that fun, didn't we have a good time" and I think you should focus on that as well instead of just what you look like. Just be like, "You know what? We had a really great day doing that, and that was really fun.".

Sammi [00:33:26] And it doesn't have to be sexy by anyone's standards but your- but your own. If they're just for the two of you...

Jess [00:33:32] Absolutely, just have fun.

Sammi [00:33:34] Okay. So that brings us to the end of this week's show. But say thank you for listening, we're giving you 15 percent off absolutely anything that you want to buy at Lovehoney. To claim your discount, just check out the links in the episode description and you'll be taken to the website nearest to you in the world.

Kate [00:33:46] If you've enjoyed this week's episode, don't forget to give us the rating you think we deserve. Maybe tell your friends. And drop us a review. We'd love to know what you think.

Sammi [00:33:54] You can also follow Lovehoney on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Follow us on YouTube where we're LovehoneyTV or if you have any questions you can get in touch with us by emailing podcast at lovehoney dot com. And Jess, where can they follow you?

Jess [00:34:06] Well if you'd like to follow me... My, basically I am at Jess underscore Megan underscore across pretty much all the social channels, so if you just type in Jessica Megan or Jess Megan into Google, then pretty much that's where everything comes up.

Sammi [00:34:21] There you are.

Jess [00:34:21] You will find me, fear not. I know you're desperate. I know you're itching to follow me, I know you all are.

Sammi [00:34:29] Go, follow. It's amazing. And also, what we were saying about curating or choosing a feed that makes you feel good - Jess' feed will make you feel good.

Jess [00:34:37] Oh, bless you darling. Oh, I'm going red! I can't bear it. Thank you very much.

Sammi [00:34:42] It's alright, it's a podcast, it's fine. And don't forget to come back next Wednesday when we'll have a brand new episode for you. So thanks for listening.

All [00:34:49] Bye!

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Written by Sammi. Lovehoney's Student Sexpert
Covering everything you need to know about sex at college

Originally published on 29 Aug 2019. Updated on 5 Aug 2020