So I was sitting in the opera box at this chic fetish club last night, drinking Black Tooth Grins and trying not to faint in my ultra-clingy PVC baby doll corset dress. He was sitting in the box next to ours and making it blatantly obvious that he was interested in what was underneath my slinky, shiny PVC.
Sex isn't complicated, especially when you have a Heavy Metal 5-inch dildo between your legs. So if the best offer you have this week is a fumbled fuck with the geek from IT, tell him 'no thanks' and pummel your pussy with this slice of orgasmic metal-ness instead.
Hold almost unbearably tight! Precscription drug Viagra could have some more competition by the end of the year - from a Durex condom. The rubber-johnny maker is aiming to launch a revolutionary condom, codename CSD500, in late 2007. Its secret: an "erectogenic compound" called Zanifil that has a similar effect to Viagra but is applied directly to the skin.
The drug is currently waiting for approval by the US Federal Drug Administration and could be be the first Viagra-like chemical to be sold over the counter. If you can't wait til the end of the year, try one our male sex drive boosters.
We spoke to Design A Sex Toy winner Trevor Murphy to find out what inspired his design - and how he felt about winning £1,000 and the chance to have his sex toy made!
What inspired the design?
"I had designed two toys for the competition already, based on existing toys already on the market. I really wanted it to be original so I had a look at the toys out there for ladies…
Cue drum roll! The winner of the The Lovehoney Design A Sex Toy Competition is:
Revolverotica designed by Trevor Murphy from Ireland
Congratulations! Trevor wins £1,000 and the chance to have his sex toy made.
Trevor's design impressed the judges because it was absolutely unique - there isn't another sex toy like it.
"I think it's a brilliant idea," said judge and sex author Tracey Cox. "Nearly every women I know of will want one these!"
From Trevor's detailed drawings and description, it was also possible for Dominic Hawes of UK sex toy manufacturer Mantric Marketing to imagine how the product could be made at a cost low enough for the finished item to have a reasonable selling price.
We have to keep the design and precise function of the Revolverotica secret because we are investigating the feasibility of making the product. But we'll keep the Design A Sex Toy Blog updated with product developments.
If Trevor's design goes into production, he could even make a royalty on every unit sold, so we want to protect his idea from copy-cat competitors.
Four other entries were highly commended by the judges:
Passionate Flex - a double-ended vibrator
G-Up - a new-style G-spot vibrator
The Lazy Wank - an innovative male masturbator
Cocktus - a novel clitoral vibrator
An old friend of mine came round last night with a bottle of wine, some body paints and a naughty selection of painting tools. At first I laughed out loud at his suggestions of painting each other using chocolate body paint and tickling feathers, paint brushes and different fruits, but when he described in immense detail exactly where he would concentrate his artistic efforts, I soon took him seriously.
God Bless the Daily Mail. Ann Summers boss Jacqueline Gold is invited to meet the Queen and rather than celebrate this wonderful award, the Mail runs a lengthy hatchet job entitled The Queen of Sleaze. Terrible.
With rampant assertions that the Ann Summers empire was built off the back of the Gold brothers' porn empire, the Mail clearly knows what turns its readers on - why else would it repeatedly mention magazine titles like Hardcore Housewives and coverlines like "'barely legal young sweet p***y"? (The Mail's asterisks, not mine.) While being exceptionally cruel to Jacqueline Gold, it's a work of journalistic art - until they get some basic facts wrong.
Yes, even the Mail has fallen into the trap of perpetuating the Rampant Rabbit Myth, claiming that Ann Summers's registered trademark vibrator was featured in the Sex And The City TV show. When, as any fool knows, it wasn't.
"[Gold Group's] last accounts show that the [Ann Summers] sex shops accounted for 97 per cent of its £3 million profit in 2005 and 84 per cent of its £145 million turnover," says the Mail. "All this was achieved by persuading women to gather together to buy the Rampant Rabbit Thruster (as seen on Sex In The City)…"
I've had a few private messages from guys asking how to fist a girl. It's true that some women love a huge amount of penetration in the form of fisting, and some love to be fisted regularly, so here goes…
Before we go any further, here's a word of warning: each woman's pain threshold is different, so if you are going to try fisting your lover, keep asking her throughout if she's OK, if she's enjoying it and, for god's sake, stop when she tells you to stop!
I've been feeling really horny for dripping wet pussy lately. I can't explain it, I've just been overwhelmed by the need to suck on a pink, juicy clit and have its juices drip all over my face.
Tonight it was within my grasp. It was more or less offered to me on a silver platter. Or so I thought…
Just down the road from my flat is a really funky new florist, which I can't name for obvious reasons. It's only been open three months, but the owner has already made a name for herself. Not so much for the flowers she sells, but for the fact that she's a raging lesbian with a wandering eye. In fact, some of my friends who buy flowers from her will go as far as to say that she'd give you a beautiful tulip posy in exchange for a quick fingering out the back room. Their full of shit and exaggerating horrendously: it's £10 for a tulip bouquet and then she'll take you out back and finger you like a jackhammer.
With more than 250 entries, the Design A Sex Toy judges had a tough job even getting to a shortlist. 30 of the best entries were selected by a process of elimination before the judges decided on the winner.
Some entrants had not provided a design sketch, which made it difficult for the judges to picture how the finished sex toy would look.
Others were rejected because they did not have a detailed description, leaving too much open to imagination and interpretation.
Some entrants provided a very minor alteration on an existing sex toy so were discounted for not being original enough. Some - like the 11 version of vibrating knickers that were entered - didn't provide any variation at all on existing products.
So how did the judges choose between the final 30 entrants…?