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  1. Well, I started the day at 5.15am and ate my dinner circa 9.30pm so I'm afraid I have nothing remotely sexual to say! Does anyone have any idea who to find spare time during the day (for anything)?! And we don't even have kids!

    Went swimming with my mum this evening. After spending after about an hour and half trying to get through to / get information out of Carphone Warehouse. Did you know that there are WEB PAGES dedicated to their lack of customer service???!

    Ummm. Am tired. Sorry for naff blog. Will taste this weekend. Just think, in a few more days' time you won't have to read my witless ramblings anymore…. ;-)

    Still off sick from work. I'd like to think I'm sounding a bit like Mariella Frostrup at the moment but I think Barry White's probably closer to the truth. Jason got home about 8 and we had a fairly early night. Jason offered to 'service' me. He enjoys taking care of my needs but it wouldn't have been fair to take advantage of him tonight because he was really tired. So no-one was tasting anyone…

    O' My Natural LubricantI tried a new position last night, which, at first, I never thought would make me come, but it did… twice. So I thought I would share it with you guys in the hope that it gets you off as much as it did me.

    It's probably called a million different names to a million different people, but I'm going to call this particular position the Horizontal Spoon.

    The Horizontal Spoon is quite simple when you establish a rhythm, but actually getting into the position takes a tiny bit of maneuvering. You can either perform the Horizontal Spoon on your bed, your sofa or on the floor, and you'll need to apply a generous amount of lube beforehand – no matter how wet you are. The lube we used last night was called O' My Natural Lubricant", and I highly recommend it for grindier, more vigorous sex.

    In this position your lover needs to lie straight on his back. There's an easy way to get into the Horizontal Spoon, which I tried last night and it worked without any discomfort. When you lover is lying on his back, straddle him in the Reverse Cowgirl position – gentle lower yourself down on to his penis with your bottom facing towards him.

    Well, we went to see Slava's Snow Show this evening. A show by clowns for children. Sweet and sad and enchanting and amusing. And with lots of large inflatable balloons! It was absolutely lovely but I have to say the highlight of my evening took place in the ladies loos at the end of the show. No, no, no. Don't be so disgusting. There were loads of kids around!

    I stood watching for a few minutes whilst a girl of about seven or eight spoke to her younger sister through the door of one of the end cubicles. It quickly became apparent that the younger girl was stuck. I watched a little to see if anyone else had any bright ideas (I know I have a tendancy to steam in and be inconsiderate of others if I think someone needs rescuing).

    Nothing happened. I went up to the door and tried to turn the lock from the outside, first with my nails and then with a coin offered by another lady. I could hear the child on the other side whimper as I failed and failed again.

    I cleared my slightly tiddly voiced and tried to sound calm and reassuring, "Don't worry. We'll get this open in no time. These doors are designed to be easy to open". I frantically searched my brain for an image of something I might have in my handbag that might be wider than a coin and serve as a… screwdriver.

    I found a bottle opener I had bough in a recent trip to the seaside and had the pleasure of announcing, "I thought that bottle opener migh be useful for something!" as I finally twisted the implement hard and released the door and young girl. Her dad didn't seem to believe her when she told him what had happened!

    OK I am boring you. Listen, the sperm doesn't taste of apple. What can I say? Shane has taken two pills EVERY DAY. Maybe, at the end, there will be a taste of something akin to green apple but I'm not holding my breath. So sue me.

    Day: Monday 2/10/06
    Time: 10:00pm
    Location: In bed
    Circumstances: A quickie after sex to finish him off
    How did he taste? Neutral, maybe a hint of sweetness or maybe just wishful thinking
    Sperm Test Rating: 7 (1=normal, 100=Golden Delicious Apple)

    Took the day off work today - my throat is no better. I spent the day eating soup and ice lollies. Jason pampered me when he got home - he cooked for me and brought me Strepsils and we had an early night. We began by having sex side by side and finished up with him in my mouth. Another tasting! I hope I haven't given him my throat infection.

    Well. Not a good time to do a blog. I'm a bad combination of a too upfront person dealing with PMT, feeling depressed, insecure and snappy. I'm not a happy bunny. Don't know what's happened this month. I think last month was better. I think. Mind you, it's better now I'm taking Yasmin (one of the new contraceptive pills on the market).


    I know, I know. I run the raising the probability of getting breast cancer. And of DVT. But, when I'm not taking it, I run the risk of being out of my head for three weeks every month and not being to hold down a job or a relationship. You tell me, what would you choose?


    And, yes, I have been through just about every alternative therapy you can. Some things help for a while and then it's back to the way it was before. *sigh* Oh to be a man. Women who don't suffer from this just don't know how lucky they are. The terrible thing is that I know, compared to some other women, I don't suffer REALLY badly…


    Well… I'm off to… try and get a grip. Wish me luck.

    Jason got up early because he had stuff to do. I was very lazy and stayed in bed till late. Actually it wasn't laziness - I feel like I'm coming down with something (when I should be going down on something). I've lost my voice and I've got no energy. Not good news for the Salty Sailor. He may be on dry land for a couple of days. I may have to buy him a mouth fleshlight at this rate.

    'Get over here now and suck my clit hard, then plough your big, fat fuck-rod dick into my soaking wet pussy mountain.'

    Don't be too shocked by the above statement. We're quite some way off that kind of one-liner for now, but that's exactly what we'll be aiming for in the near future. Surprised?

    If your absolute burning desire is to find out how to tell your lover that they make you 'want to come really hard,' then you're in the wrong place. If you want to know how to tell your lover what makes you come; what you want them to do to you and vice versa; and how to use a plethora of filthy phrases and dirty words to tip your lover over the orgasmic edge in bed, congratulations! You're in the right place.

    My name is Bad kitty and I have been a very Bad Kitty.

    I promised you that last Friday you would be reading the first in a master class series of how to talk dirty to your lover. I didn't post it. But I have a very good reason why it didn't appear.

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