'Let's pretend we're authority figures, bourgeois neurotics, juvenile delinquent and welfare officer, arresting officer with clipboard and handcuffs, personality sex offender and victim turned accomplice. We are aroused by language over touch. This isn't a skin-on-skin affair and I don't think we've even seen each other naked. This is not about bodies.' All of which makes Leonie Martel's The Private Undoing of a Public Servant a very different erotic novel indeed, marrying the usual fem-dom paraphernalia of butt plugs, bondage, lashing and cross-dressing to the tale of a cabinet minister's downfall at the hands of an uncompromising pervert.
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Spotted in the Metro last Monday - Giant Homer in fertility dance. To promote the new Simpsons movie, publicists painted a giant Homer waggling a donut - or something donut-shaped - next to the clay outline of the famously erect Cerne Abbas giant in Dorset. Given its proximity to the Cerne Abbas cock, you'd be forgiven for taking this for a Universal Pump Seal, ready to give the lusty giant an extra-tight grip when he uses his favourite penis pump. Although with a cock like that, does he really need one? Typical Homer. Doh!
If you can't keep Mike Myers' wonky-toothed superspy out of your mind when you're having sex, or you wept into your pillow all night when the cocktus didn't win our Design Your Own Sex Toy Competition, don't fret! Help is at hand with the Toy Joy Shagadelic Vibrator - even if it is a bit pink for this particular Orgasm Army reviewer. Shag now or shag later?
Anal sex can be scary if you haven't done it before, but it is even scarier for your partner if you have tried it and they haven't. Here's some ways to encourage them to give anal play a go…
Who needs Oil of Olay when you can rub-a-dub with a Good Vibrations Large Massage Bar, straight from the caring hands of the San Francisco company with thirty years of sexpertise behind them? Not this slippery Orgasm Army customer, although we don't recommend you eat too much of it, even if it does taste goooood!
Keep things spontaneous and steamy in the bedroom by biting your lover gently and sensually during sex
What's yours called? We know a lot of you like to give your dildos names, but 'Swirly', the name given by this Orgasm Army reviewer to her Love Labs Spiral Massage Glass Dildo 7-inch, just seems - well, a bit short. Mr Swirly sounds much better to these ears… but you can't argue with her enthusiasm!
It's time to dispel the high school myth that swallowing semen is a one-track way to piling on the pounds…
Spotted in the Metro (and a few other places) on July 6 - a story that minces no words with the title Teen has Sex with Cow. The papers have been milking (urf!) this one for all it's worth… In Skipwith, North Yorkshire, a teenager wearing only 'black briefs' was caught by a passer-by having sex with an English Longhorn. He fled when the voyeur shouted at him, and was nowhere to be seen when the police arrived (no surprises there!). The cow's owner reckons it had been groomed for sex, as the feed bucket had been moved around to suit the udder-loving cow fiend.
It is our solemn duty at Lovehoney to remind all of you that sex with cows is illegal and probably immoral, and to offer a legal, safe alternative way to stick your cock in a cow - the Classified Mr Moo Sex Pouch! Guaranteed not to get you in trouble with the law, unless you start waggling it about at the supermarket. If that doesn't wow you, say 'How now' to Pat the Inflatable Cow, which will moo with delight as you toy with her udders. Hey, whatever turns you on…