The 8 Best Responses To Noisy Housemate Sex
on 18 Feb 2017
One of the best things about being a student is moving out and having more freedom than you know what to do with.
Being able to have the time of your life without being worried that your mum will look in the bottom drawer of your bedside table is a weight off so many minds - after all, nobody wants to have to explain about the rabbits that aren't kept in a hutch.
That said, it can be incredibly awkward when you've got a housemate next door who is treating sex more like an audition for The Voice than an intimate encounter, with the rest of you merely sat there waiting to hit the big red button. To start, it's quite funny, but repeated performances can get a little irritating.
So, if you find you're often woken by nocturnal noises that aren't the dodgy old boiler that your landlord refuses to fix, this is the article for you: eight of the best responses to loud-and-proud housemate humping. Best make sure they have a sense of humour first, though…
1. Dig out a loud speaker and some noisy porn
Get online and find a vocal adult video or two, before playing it as loud as you can. It's bound to stop your noisy housemate in their tracks and give them a taste of their own medicine.
2. Sound the alarm
This isn't one that's happened to me, thankfully, but it did happen a few blocks down from my flat in my first year. One flat decided that, in an act of revenge, they would pull the fire alarm whilst their flatmate was going at it, meaning the pair had to stand outside in the cold with the rest of the block, red-faced, messy-haired and barely clothed.
Whilst this was hilarious for the pranksters, I'm not sure everybody would still be laughing when they received a penalty charge for improper fire alarm use. Maybe keep the mischief indoors (unless you're worried that they're actually going to set the sheets on fire…)
3. Match the noise with a top tune
A top way to kill the awkward tension in the hallway is to play a jaunty tune or two. There's many to choose from: on my own recommended playlist, there's Lou Bega's Mambo No. 5, Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On and, of course, Frozen's Let It Go.
At the top of my suggestions, though, is the Hokey Cokey; there's nothing like a childhood classic full of euphemisms to grab your frisky housemate's attention when they're putting their whole self in.
4. Write a detailed review
Create a mark sheet and rate what you hear. You could rate them on the type of noises they make, the volume levels they reach and how long they last for. You could even write down some handy tips at the bottom of the page for them before you slip it under their door.
5. If you can't beat them, join them
Now, hear me out on this one before you judge. It's only natural that our bodies respond to the sounds of other people having a good time.
With your housemate otherwise occupied, you'd be a fool not to make the most of the opportunity to have a bit of fun yourself without having to keep the noise down. You could slip in your headphones, find a video you like, or listen to some sultry music. It will help give you some much needed 'me' time.
6. Release your inner child and play a traditional game of Bogies.
For those of you that didn't watch the Saturday morning classic of Dick & Dom in da Bungalow, Bogies was an infamous feature in which the presenters would be required to shout the word, 'Bogies' in an inappropriately public place until one of them failed to shout it louder than the other, or conceded from embarrassment.
The next time your housemate is getting down and dirty, gather the rest of the house and challenge them all to a round. I'm sure both your housemate and their guest will really appreciate it…
7. Turn it into a drinking game.
This is by far my favourite reaction. First, create a list of noises and sounds you can hear. Then, every time you hear an 'Ooh', or a bed squeak, or any other sound on your list, take a drink!
8. Talk it out
Of course, the best way to deal with overly-loud housemates is to have a mature discussion, and ask them to keep the noise down when you've got an 8am lecture the next day, or only to let loose when there's no one else in the house.
Part of the experience of shared cohabitation is learning to deal with each other's habits, so it's best to try to reach a compromise for the most peaceful night's sleep first and foremost. And maybe don't do it if they've finally got lucky with that person they've been lusting after since Fresher's Week.
Megan is a Psychology student at the University of Exeter. She can't quite read minds, but can read bodies.
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