4 Ways to Be More Giving in the Bedroom
on 27 Jun 2018
We all know how important it is to know what makes us tick in the bedroom, but are we all paying enough attention to our partners, too?
For those of us who really need to focus to be able to climax, or need a very specific sort of stimulation, it can be easy to become caught up in the routine of what we need, and not necessarily remember to do the same for the other person (or people) in the room.
And after all, sex is at its best when everyone's enjoying themselves, right?
So we've come up with some top tips (and a handy acronym) for how to make sure you're being a generous lover, as well as still getting everything you need.
Our sexperts recommend...
We all know how important communication is. And we know how difficult it can be at times. But if you want to learn more about what your partner likes in the bedroom, talking is a good place to start.
If you feel a bit uncomfortable starting the conversation, have a look at How to Ask for What You Want In the Bedroom for ideas. If even that feels terrifying, try talking about talking.
Yes, you read that right... talking about talking.
Before we begin to discuss our sexual wants, it's good to check in with our partner. How are they feeling? Are they confident? Shy? Stressed? Anxious?
With that in mind, do you think it is a good time to talk about sex? If yes, tentatively suggest your desire to talk about sex and ask how they feel about talking.
It is important to create a safe and trusting atmosphere with your partner.
There’s a big difference between your partner agreeing to engage in a sexual activity with you, and your partner being enthusiastic about that sexual activity.
Let’s try to make sure all consent is enthusiastic consent.
Following on from communication, enthusiasm is a huge turn-on and a great way to improve your partner's confidence.
Make sure your partner knows how much you enjoy being with them. Tell them, or make appreciative noises.
It’s easy to become self-conscious during sex, especially if you think your partner isn’t enjoying what you're doing (doubly so if you're not enjoying it much either).
Knowing how turned on you are can be a huge turn-on for your partner.
And once they’ve stopped worrying if you’re having a good time, they can relax and enjoy the sensations you are providing. Go you!
Ah, relaxation. It would be great if we had more of it.
One of the things that can stop us from being more experimental in the bedroom is fear or disappointment or failure.
It’s easy to fall into a routine because of the worry of trying something new and being bad at it – or worse – it being dissatisfying for us or our partner. And that is a stressful thought.
If you find yourself worrying during sexy times, talk about it. If you have performance anxiety, remember you're with someone who is pretty into you. You want to please them. You are together here and now.
Try to switch off from things that aren't important at this moment. Why not try going on a date beforehand? Or having a massage? Or playing a game?
Sex can start outside of the bedroom, so why not make a day of it? Tell your partner you are looking forward to seeing them, and you have been thinking about them, so that they know how much you want them - it'll relax both of you when it gets to the moment!
The cool thing about experimentation is that it doesn't end.
So, you tried a new position/toy and it did nothing for you and your partner? Try something else, but keep communicating.
Or why not give it another go at a later date? Our tastes change all the time, and just because you didn't like something once, doesn't mean you'll never get into it.
Maybe you tried something and you'd like to explore it some more in the future. Talk about ways to include it or modify it... the options are endless.
E n d l e s s.
Remember to CARE in the bedroom; as long as you’ve talked with your partner and decided you are both comfortable and excited for the sexual adventures ahead, you have a sturdy foundation for exploration.
Nina is a postgraduate art student in Brighton. Which means she can make origami genitals and pass it off as work. She likes thinking about gender, consent and body positivity.
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