How Sex Changed During My 20s, by Oloni
With an award-winning online platform, over 100k Instagram followers, a podcast and a TV show, Dami Olonisakin – or Oloni, as she's known to her followers – is one of the UK's loudest and most important voices when it comes to women's sexual empowerment.
Having just celebrated her 30th birthday, Oloni tells us what sex in her 20s was like – and what she's learnt along the way.
I've faked it, I've pretended I was in a porno and acted out what I'd seen. I've also gone back to people who didn't quite understand how to sexually satisfy me, out of fear of increasing the number of men I've slept with.
These are some of the blunders I made in my 20s when I first started having sex. You're probably wondering why? Well, that was because I simply didn't know any better.
I believed that this was normal. That was until I got older, of course, and realised that my pleasure mattered too.
Understanding my body
When I approached my early 20s I still made some sexual mistakes, I never spoke up and lied about having an orgasm because I wanted to massage the ego of my sexual partner.
Some 20-something-year-old boys already believe they know what they're doing because previous partners before you have told them so.
After understanding my body by spending time masturbating with sex toys and figuring out what my turn-ons are between the sheets, I made it my mission to try and teach my sexual partners.
The first-ever toy I used by myself was a basic dildo. I wanted practice, so this seemed like the best way.
Feeling more confident
When I got into the bedroom and tried to teach my sexual partners some were willing to listen, but again, some weren't.
It was only when I entered my second relationship that I felt extremely sexually confident and comfortable enough to express my wants and desires. I was also fortunate to have a partner at the time who didn't feel threatened by a sex toy.
Making sex better
Other people in the past weren't too happy. One described my sex toy as a "cock block" without realising that women need more help in the bedroom. Statistics show our orgasms are slightly more complicated and a high number of us climax through clitoral stimulation (which is why I absolutely love clitoral toys) and not by vaginal penetration alone.
Sex in the media has been so penis and penetration focused that heterosexual women don't always feel as though they can speak up about their experiences and what good sex for us should look and feel like.
I've personally always said that sex toys are not meant to replace your partner, but should instead enhance the sex to make it pleasurable.
Communication is key
As I got older I understood the importance of communicating – it was vital to let my sexual partner know that, just because the last girl might have enjoyed sex a particular way, it didn't mean I'd react or feel the same.
I made it my responsibility to voice and demonstrate what turned me on. If I didn't orgasm during penetration, he'd have to dabble in more foreplay by touching my erogenous zones to help me climax as I used a sex toy. I quite frankly became a bit more demanding, I admit it.
No looking back
I created my sexpectations by the time I was in my mid-to-late 20s, and have since never gone back to having sex which wasn't for me.
Being honest about not having an orgasm wasn't an issue, worrying about the number of people I had slept with was a thing of the past and making sure I was only intimate with men who I was sexually compatible with mattered most to me.
Now that I'm in my 30s I'm grateful for each and every guy I slept with – they all taught me something sexually. If I could speak to my younger self about intimacy, I'd tell her to never be afraid of taking control of her sexuality.
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