Ep.19 Sexual Happiness Podcast: How to Give an Erotic Massage
Whether it's a prelude to sex or 'just because', giving your partner an intimate massage can be a brilliant bonding experience.
This week on the Sexual Happiness Podcast, Sammi and Nick give their top tips for how to make your massage unforgettable.
And of course we cover our usual segments "You can never know enough about sex" and "Question of the week" where we share what we've learned about sex this week, and answer your sex questions.
Got a question or topic you want us to cover? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or comment below.
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Transcription: Lovehoney Podcast Episode 19
Sammy [00:00:08] Hello. You're listening to the sexual happiness podcast from Lovehony. The podcast where we answer your questions about sex and sex toys. I'm Sammy.
Nick [00:00:14] I'm Nick.
Sammy [00:00:15] And this week on the show we're asking the "question how do I give an erotic massage?" But before we get into that it's time for 'you can never know enough about sex.' So what have you learned about sex this week Nick?
Nick [00:00:27] Well. I would like to celebrate the return of the Great British Bake Off with sexfact. I believe it's called The Great British Baking show in America.
Sammy [00:00:36] Okay.
Nick [00:00:38] Yes. So Great British Bake Off is back. Still I don't know about you. You like it.
Sammy [00:00:43] I'm a fan yeah.
Nick [00:00:44] I feel like it's gone a bit overboard on its forcing innuendo.
Sammy [00:00:48] It does. Paul Hollywood is getting carried away with his innuendos this season.
Nick [00:00:52] Anyway, that's not my sex fact. So but yes I learned about a fetish stroke kink called 'cake sitting'.
Sammy [00:00:59] 'Cake sitting?'.
Nick [00:01:00] Yes. So this is a kink where you either watch or you do sit on a cake.
Sammy [00:01:07] Is that the extent of it? Does anything happen after the sitting of the cake?
Nick [00:01:10] I guess if there's a soggy bottom involved!
Sammy [00:01:14] If they haven't got their 'layers' quite right.
Nick [00:01:17] Yeah I guess you know if you want to have a bit of a munch on the cake off someone's bum.
Sammy [00:01:23] That's fair enough. Yeah. I mean I feel like in the bake off kind of side of things if you've gone to the effort of making a showstopper, you don't really want someone to go and sit in that do you?!
Nick [00:01:34] No!
Sammy [00:01:35] So presumably it's low effort sponge.
Nick [00:01:36] Yeah. Just my gingerbread castle that I've made in 24 hours... plonk! Cake sitting.
Sammy [00:01:45] Cake sitting.
Nick [00:01:45] And what about yours. What have you found out this week?
Sammy [00:01:47] So I found... So I'm assuming everyone has heard of cornflakes? They are a cereal - quite a staple cereal. But they were invented by a man called Mr. Kellogg, unsurprisingly.
Nick [00:02:00] Yes.
Sammy [00:02:01] And he was quite famously anti masturbation and anti... basically anti sexual desire of any kind.
Nick [00:02:10] Have you seen the film called... it's a Matthew Broderick film called The Road to Wellville?
Sammy [00:02:13] No I haven't.
Nick [00:02:15] Well, it's worth checking out as it's about Mr Kellogg and is his health farm called Bellville. You know, I digress.
Sammy [00:02:23] Well then you probably know this already but I didn't I wasn't aware of this that conflakes were originally invented by Mr. Kellogg to lower sexual desire and prevent people masturbating. The idea was that if you had a, a bland diet that basically just gave you what you needed to stay alive but didn't give you any flavour, it wouldn't ignite the passions of sexual desire. So anyone who eats cornflakes in the morning, please let us know if it does that!
Nick [00:02:48] Oh Mr. Kellogg.
Sammy [00:02:48] Mr. Kellogg you strange man.
Nick [00:02:50] So well, let's move on to our main hot, well main hot topic.
Sammy [00:02:53] Our hottest main topic.
Nick [00:02:55] Which is 'how do I give an erotic massage?' So how can an erotic massage benefit your sex life or bring you and your partner closer together?
Sammy [00:03:07] I think the good thing about massage is because it's not. It's not a technique that is necessarily designed for an orgasm. It means that you're not kind of focusing in on an end goal kind of thing, it's something that you can enjoy for what it is rather than using it as a means to get somewhere and I think that's quite nice for people.
Nick [00:03:27] Yes. So it could be foreplay. But on the other end it could be could just be just chilling out. Adult day love. Give us a massage.
Sammy [00:03:35] Give us a massage. Yeah. And also you know touch is one of the main things... It helps to release those kind of, the feel good hormones, and also the kind of hormones that are associated with bonding when you know you're being touched and enjoying being touched those hormones are released so it can help you feel closer and help you feel more bonded with your partner as well.
Nick [00:03:54] Yeah that's where hugs are good aren't they.
Sammy [00:03:55] Hugs are good!
Nick [00:03:56] Only hugs produce the same sort of thing. But this is taking it to the next level.
Sammy [00:04:00] Like a long hug. Yeah. So I think there's lots of benefits. Can you think of any others?
Nick [00:04:05] Well I think it's the old intimacy thing isn't it.
Sammy [00:04:08] Yes.
Nick [00:04:10] When you're having sex you are being intimate. But it's. Yeah, like you say. it's like it dialled back one from that and it's being closer to your partner without it all being about the sex.
Sammy [00:04:21] Yeah definitely.
Nick [00:04:22] And it's really relaxing.
Sammy [00:04:24] And that, yes.
Nick [00:04:26] And enjoyable.
Sammy [00:04:27] And enjoyable. And I think if you are using it kind of as a prelude to sex then the advantage of it being relaxing is you know we've said many times the more relaxed you are for sex, the more enjoyable it is, the more likely you are to experience an orgasm. And generally it can make for a better experience overall so it's just great.
Nick [00:04:47] Yeah. And it makes things last longer as well.
Sammy [00:04:50] Yeah, yeah definitely.
Nick [00:04:51] So if you spend a good while massaging, taking it in turns. Yeah. So so you can make an evening of it rather than it being, you know, just a quick one.
Sammy [00:05:01] This is a break while he studies his arm. Off you go. No there's no breaks on the BBC. That was not inaccurate. Sorry. So if someone is thinking about giving their partner a massage - treating them to a lovely intimate experience like we said. What do you think people need to consider before they get down to it? Because it's something that I guess you could do in the heat of the moment but it's quite nice to to plan it really isn't it?
Nick [00:05:24] Yeah. The absolute number one list on the list for me would be making sure the temperature is comfortable. Yeah I'm not very good unless it's quite warm. And I'd imagine a lot of people. You don't wanna sit there and it's 'ooh I feel a bit chilly.'.
Sammy [00:05:40] It's hard to relax when you're cold.
Nick [00:05:42] Yeah absolutely. So yeah that would be the number one for me. I think because it's a nice relaxing thing you want to make sure your ambience is good so. Probably don't want Metallica on the stereo.
Sammy [00:06:00] Might be a thing. You never know!
Nick [00:06:03] And just. Yeah. Just stuff like lighting. Let's not get the full glare of your main light in your lounge.
Sammy [00:06:11] You don't have 60 watt bulb.
Nick [00:06:14] Spotlights or anything. So yeah like candle, or ten.
Sammy [00:06:18] Not enough to start a fire. Safety first!
Nick [00:06:21] Depending on your preferred wattage. Yeah. I guess as we always say on this and it comes back to communication. What do you want? Where would you like a massage? Yeah. You know is it on your back? Is it on your shoulders? Is it neck? Is it feeling a little bit tight? What have you.
Sammy [00:06:39] Yeah. I think that's quite right. I mean when we're talking here about erotic massage it doesn't necessarily mean go lie face down on the bed and someone's gonna rub your back, like you can massage any area of the body like head massages - a lot of people find that, you know when people go to the hairdresser and they get the head massage. A lot people say that's the best bit so you could do that, hand massages as well, they can be really good, so you don't have to just focus on that area of the body.
Nick [00:07:03] Hand massages.
Sammy [00:07:04] Hand massages.
Nick [00:07:05] I've never had a hand massage.
Sammy [00:07:05] You've never had a hand massage? Ah they're great.
Nick [00:07:07] Foot massages?
Sammy [00:07:07] Foot massage? Yeah. Basically anywhere really. And yeah it's about talking to your partner and finding out which bits they like being touched because some people are ticklish, they don't want to be touched on my feet for example.
Nick [00:07:18] No definitely not.
Sammy [00:07:18] Kick in the face!
Nick [00:07:21] I think you need to know a little bit about what you're doing.
Sammy [00:07:24] Yes. Well absolutely.
Nick [00:07:25] I remember many years ago I gave my missus a massage and she had a bit of a stiff neck afterwards. I felt really really bad.
[00:07:34] Yeah I think you're absolutely right. Knowing what you're doing and doing a bit of research into the best techniques is important because you, you want this to be a relaxing experience as we've just kind of touched on. You don't necessarily want this to be an orthopedic procedure. You want it to be nice and enjoyable. Yes they may have a bit of tension but that doesn't mean you need to go hell for leather to try and get that knot out of their shoulder. Just make sure you've done some research into the kind of touch and stroke that is appropriate like gentle pressure that is firm but not hard is good. You don't just have to rub in circles. Make sure that you're like kind of mixing up the techniques you're using, DJing your way across their skin. And also one thing I remember reading years ago was that if you are giving someone a massage, whatever you do on one side of the body, you should match on the other side of their body. So make sure that, yeah you're meant to mirror the sensations on both sides so that then it's even and enjoyable.
Nick [00:08:36] Maybe that's where I went wrong!
Nick [00:08:36] And then obviously you're going to need a few tools. Well yes, and that's massage oil. Yes. Yeah. Because dry massage. Mmmm. You can't use water.
Sammy [00:08:48] Water will be absorbed by the skin. Yeah. And sweat. Similarly not the ideal. So you don't want to make it so hot that you're just using sweat as massage oil!
Nick [00:08:56] Yes. Well what kind of oils can you use? The specialist ones...
Sammy [00:09:01] Yeah you can get massage oils - oil that is designed specifically for massage and the good thing about oil is that it won't be as easily absorbed by the skin. So I mean some people talk about using lube but the thing with lube is if you're getting a water based one then that's going to be absorbed quite quickly.
Nick [00:09:18] Right.
Sammy [00:09:19] You can use an oil based lubricant or you can use actual massage oils which are often scented. So you get kind of a multisensory experience.
Nick [00:09:26] A bit more in the ambience there!
Sammy [00:09:27] A bit more in your ambience if it smells like, i don't know, vanilla or my brain just went chutney! I love a chutney massage. I love a chutney massage oil!
Nick [00:09:39] Onto the New Product Development team... we need some chutney massage oil! I though you were gonna say prosecco!
Sammy [00:09:45] Oh Prosecco would be good. No you have the prosecco to go along with the massage.
Nick [00:09:48] Of course. Pretend prosecco...
Sammy [00:09:52] Throw across someone's back and then rub it in! Yeah. So you can get those that are scented, some of them are also flavoured. So if you wanted you could start involving your mouth and tongue as well into the massage.
Nick [00:10:02] Bit of nibbling!
Sammy [00:10:02] Yeah exactly. Get everything involved... So you can get them for all kinds of things. But the thing to remember about massage oil is it's not an ideal lube because oil will break down. If you're using barrier contraception it'll break down the contraception and also oil generally is not the best thing to be putting inside your body and into intimate areas.
Nick [00:10:26] No.
Sammy [00:10:26] So if you are planning that this is gonna go in a certain direction at the end of the massage then make sure you that you've got lube as well and also wash the massage oil off any of your Intimate intimate areas. Exactly.
Nick [00:10:39] And it's not just oils is it, you can get as you can get massage candles which melt so you can drip slightly warm wax onto your partner. Not boiling hot wax.
Sammy [00:10:51] No I think they're made of slightly different... Yeah I think they're made of soy, a lot of massage candles, so they burn at a slightly lower temperature which means that they can be poured... That they they melt, like you say, and then you can pour them pull them directly onto the skin without burning.
Nick [00:11:09] And it doesn't solidify either like a normal candle.
Sammy [00:11:09] No but if you are going to use a massage candle, and they are great, because like you said at the beginning, they're good for setting that atmosphere as well. And lots of them are scented so you've kind of got you've got your lighting, you've got your scent and you've got your oil all in one, so they're really good all round.
Nick [00:11:21] Just get one of those.
Sammy [00:11:22] Yeah exactly, just get loads of massage candles. But the thing things remember with those is because the oil won't evaporate in the same way that candle wax does. If you don't tip it out and use it regularly, then the candle will go out because it's just sitting in a pool of oil. And then the flame will go out. As I found out once. Why won't it stay lit?! It's not a Yankee Candle, come on. Yes, so massage candles are really really good option. What other kind of tools can people use to help them, do you think?
Nick [00:11:55] If you're not confident with your fingers, you can get special little massage rollers.
Sammy [00:12:01] Yeah.
Nick [00:12:02] So I know we sell one that is dead cheap. And really effective. It's got little nodules...
Sammy [00:12:13] A few little balls on the end...
Nick [00:12:15] And you hold it, it's a handheld thing, and you rub it up and down your partner's body and yeah, really good.
Sammy [00:12:21] Yeah definitely use oil with them because otherwise it could be uncomfortable. I think, with that one. There's also massage rocks aren't there? I've never used them before.
Nick [00:12:33] I've never used them before. I've only ever seen them on adverts for spa hotels. It'll be ladies with their eyes closed with some rocks on their back.
Sammy [00:12:42] Yeah. Massage rocks and massage pebbles - they are what they sound like. They are pebbles or rocks that can be heated in a bowl of warm water so they're warm to the touch, and you can use them to kind of rub against the skin, and the advantage is that they're really firm and that because they're temperature responsive as well, you won't get any of that like "Oh that's cold and uncomfortable". It's just a different sensation really and it's another thing that you can enjoy. Handheld massages, oils candles and then there's other things that you can bring in like you might not want to combine this with the oil necessarily but because massage is all about touch and sensory play, you can use loads of different sensory tools as well so you can use things like feather ticklers. Yeah. Again just don't get them near the oil because they'll get all clogged, like a sad bird in the sea. So you want to do that. Or say stuff like pinwheels...
Nick [00:13:33] I was going to say with your Whaternberg wheel...
Sammy [00:13:34] Yeah. What is that Nick?
Nick [00:13:37] Well they look really scary and like some kind of torture device. But actually it's a very small wheel with loads of little, not pins, but metal spikes. Which is what a metal tip is!
Sammy [00:13:53] And if you'd you just gently roll it across your partner's skin or your own skin, you can give it a go on yourself just to make sure that what you're doing is not gonna injure someone.
Sammy [00:14:02] Because it's kind of, it's that top layer of skin that essentially in touching it, it helps to increase circulation because the body's like 'oh there's something going on there'. Or send blood there, and what that does is makes everything more sensitive.
Nick [00:14:15] Yeah. So tickles your nerve endings.
Sammy [00:14:16] Yeah exactly. You just don't... you wanna be doing that lightly, you don't want to be pressing down too much because it has spikes. Yeah. It kind of looks like a thing you use on pasty doesn't it?
Nick [00:14:27] Yeah. For putting decorations on your pie.
Sammy [00:14:29] Yeah. Yeah this is definitely the Bake Off episode isn't it?!
Sammy [00:14:36] There are other sex toys you can bring in because...
Nick [00:14:38] Massage wands.
Nick [00:14:39] Massage wands. Exactly. Or magic wands as we call them. Yeah. Yeah. We call them sex toys but equally they can be used for proper deep tissue massages.
Sammy [00:14:55] Yeah well that's what the original magic wand was designed for in the first place wasn't it? It was meant to be for muscle not stimulation of that kind.
Nick [00:15:04] Yes.
Sammy [00:15:05] So they are perfectly designed for massages.
Nick [00:15:08] Yeah they're great. And again if you want your massage to lead somewhere then, and if you're using a magic wand, you know, whip on a couple of attachments and away you go.
Sammy [00:15:16] Yeah definitely. And if you're someone who finds gripping things isn't as easy or the pressure of massage is uncomfortable, like because some people have you know, reduced mobility in their hands... a massage wand is great for that because all you have to do is hold it or rest it on your partner's skin. You don't have to worry about the kneading and the stroking that that you would have to do manually otherwise.
Nick [00:15:38] I guess any kind of vibrating toy would work as well as a massage wand? I mean it's not designed for that but even a little bullet vibrator... trace it up and down your skin.
Sammy [00:15:46] Yeah. Yeah. Just basically play around with stuff.
Nick [00:15:50] Yeah a world of opportunities.
Sammy [00:15:50] Yeah definitely. Is there anything that you think people shouldn't do in a massage or anything that people should be aware of to not do? Because I've heard that, or the thing I've always been taught is that you don't put pressure across joints - that's a big one. Joints and bones - don't press on them.
Nick [00:16:07] Yeah don't try any clicking of shoulders or elbows or anything.
Sammy [00:16:12] Yeah I think yeah. Don't treat it like a medical procedure. Just treat it as a 'what feels good' I suppose. And if in doubt stick to the fleshy areas really.
Nick [00:16:22] Yeah. So I had a professional massage not so long ago.
Sammy [00:16:25] Oh no. How was that?
Nick [00:16:27] It was a sports massage.
Sammy [00:16:29] Oh God. Okay.
Nick [00:16:31] Cause I'd done one of my knees him while running.
Sammy [00:16:33] Yeah. Do you run Nick? You haven't mentioned that for a while.
Nick [00:16:40] I'll mention it again in a minute. Yeah. So I went and said can you have a go on my legs because they were a bit tight. I run downhill too fast and xxx... so it was weird having another bloke rubbing my legs. But it was brilliant.
Sammy [00:16:58] Good.
Nick [00:16:58] A million times better after.
Sammy [00:17:00] I was gonna say - it did the job didn't it?
Nick [00:17:02] Yeah.
Sammy [00:17:04] But that kind of thing... leave to the professionals. Don't necessarily do it in your front room.
Sammy [00:17:09] Yeah. And then I guess. Any other things to consider. You know, make sure that you're doing it somewhere comfortable and that your partner is in a comfortable, not just necessarily temperature, but like comfortable position. Like you don't want to be doing it sat on a stool. Probably not gonna help you out there. Yeah I guess when it comes to actual technique. Like just don't be afraid to vary it. Like don't feel like you always have to be rubbing deep muscles - feel like you can stroke. You can use your fingertips, you can use your nails as long as you're not gouging, you know. You can tap like basically you just vary up the sensations so that it keeps it fun, keeps it interesting and you might discover something that your partner really really enjoys as well.
Nick [00:17:46] Yeah, good advice. That leads us on to our 'Question of the Week' which is: "what's the best way to try the sideways 69 position, and is it any good?"
Sammy [00:17:58] Sideways 69. So I think most people will know what a 69 is. But for anyone who may not. Because there will be people out there who don't. It's a position where both you and your partner are able to give and receive oral sex simultaneously and it normally ends up with like one of you with your head at one end, and the other with a head at the other end, and usually one partner is on top.
Nick [00:18:22] Yes I think we discussed this a little while back didn't we on one of our previous episodes where we were talking about the best ways for the 69 and like you just said, someone on top. Someone on the bottom. Can end up being a little bit uncomfortable. You definitely don't want the bloke on the top. If your partner's a bloke and you're a bloke or vice versa. Generally it's not a good idea. I don't think so.
Sammy [00:18:49] You will end up with balls on your nose.
Nick [00:18:52] Balls on your nose and... So yeah sideways is probably a lot more comfortable for everyone concerned.
Sammy [00:19:06] Yeah I mean you don't have the worry about one partners weight on another partner. It's easier if you're different heights as well because you can kind of you can bend your body so that you fit together better in a way that you can do as comfortably in traditional 69. And also yeah, it just takes the strain out of your neck it takes any worry that you might have. I know some people, when they go on top, worry about..."ah my bum is right on my partner's face!" Like that's a concern for some people as well and doing it inside can help. In terms of how to make it better or how to like do the position better. I think having like, some people have said on our forum that having a cushion between the legs or having something that can help prop your legs apart is helpful.
Nick [00:19:55] Ah yes.
Sammy [00:19:55] Yeah. Just make sure that you're supported. I think you can rest your head on your partner's leg as well. That makes it comfier.
Nick [00:20:01] I'm doing the motions.
Sammy [00:20:03] Can you do that here?!
Sammy [00:20:05] Like, um, anything... Like throw in some flavoured lube? Why not?
Nick [00:20:10] Yeah. Why not.
Sammy [00:20:12] Make it more fun. Yeah.
Nick [00:20:13] Yeah. Good stuff. Hopefully that helps.
Sammy [00:20:16] Hopefully that helps.
Nick [00:20:18] Enjoy!
Sammy [00:20:19] Okay so that brings us to the end of our show this week. But to say thank you for listening we're giving you 15 percent off absolutely anything that you want to buy at Lovehoney. If you want to claim your discount, just check out the links in the episode description below and you'll be taken to the website nearest to you in the world.
Nick [00:20:33] If you've enjoyed this week's episode don't forget to give us the rating you think we deserve. Maybe tell your friends and drop us a review. We'd love to know what you think.
Sammy [00:20:40] You can also follow Lovehoney on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook or you can follow us on YouTube where we're LovehoneyTV. Or if you have any questions you can get in touch with us by emailing email@example.com.
Nick [00:20:50] And don't forget to come back next Wednesday for a brand new episode.
Sammy [00:20:53] Thanks for listening.