Play Safe, Stay Safe: When and Where to Use Sex Toys Safely
While many of us love driving, comparatively fewer choose to actively pleasure ourselves in the driver's seat, as attested by the UK's poor sales figures of automatic cars.
Recently, however, a lady in her thirties - identified only as "pretty fit" by the Daily Mail's baroque-tongued source - found her way into print for just that after crashing her car into the back of a fish delivery van while using her vibrator in traffic.
Apparently overcome with amour as she sat at the wheel of her Mini Cooper, the frisky multitasker was spotted on camera swiftly buttoning up her trousers after the collision, and presumably hoping no one would try and shake hands.
In view of this, we felt that a quick recap of some 'when and where' sex toy dos and don'ts would be timely, helping to prevent more vibrator-related accidents and subsequent embarrassing stories in national newspapers.
Sex Toy Safe-o-meter: 5/10
A minefield of open flame, sharp knives and more, pleasure yourself while making dinner at your peril. In the grip of lust a magic wand is easily mistaken for a hand blender, or a G-spot vibrator for a mixing spoon, leading to spoiled sauces and hygiene concerns for guests at both your table and your nether regions. The one positive is that the extractor fan can drown out the sound of your vibrator, rendering dinner parties that much more palatable.
Sex Toy Safe-o-meter: 4/10
Taking lubrication to unhealthful extremes, using sex toys while swimming might take the edge off the chill but cannot be advised due to the advantages of four unhampered limbs present for effective locomotion through water. If you truly can’t wait, the notable exception is the blow-up doll category, whose busty buoyancy could well prove life-preserving.
Sex Toy Safe-o-meter: 3/10
Atypical behaviour at airports arouses suspicion, and aroused behaviour at airports is suspicious. Repeat this mantra as you pack your luggage, ideally tucking your toys safely away to await touchdown. Those who do choose to gamble at customs with a toy in place risk a routine frisk betraying their secret, or metal in the toy resulting in repeated activation of the metal detectors. Have a backstory about your former life as a renegade cop and the plate in your hip prepared.
Sex Toy Safe-o-meter: 2/10
Whether working the belay or scaling the cliffs, getting your rocks off on the rocks is ill-advised at best. Restraint systems like under the bed stretchers and soft bondage straps can be all too easily confused with harness equipment, while lube-soaked hands hinder grip on sheer cliff face. Additionally, in cooler climes the vibration power of some toys could be the straw that breaks the avalanche's back, leading to a mad scramble that might well take the novice climber to their limits, but will likely fail to ignite arousal.
Sex Toy Safe-o-meter: 0/10
BASE jumping makes skydiving look like a swing on a love seat and spreads death like Nutella on toast. If, however, the thrill of freefall has lost its rush for you, climaxing as you drop like a rock might reinvigorate the tired activity.
It’s advisable to leave your two arms free for both parachute duties and to wave to the camera for the video to be played at your funeral. A butterfly vibrator could be just the ticket and will presumably smash upon impact, so if anything does go wrong your foolhardy erotics won’t be exposed.
Have we missed anything? Help keep your fellow Lovehoneyers safe by writing it below in the comments.
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