1. We used to have an incredible sex life - where did it all go wrong?

    We used to have an incredible sex life - where did it all go wrong?

    The days of more experimental, adventurous sex often become a distant memory for a while, as family and earning a living take priority.

    julie-peasgoodMy wife and I have been together for over four years now and at first sex was amazing truly amazing. Now, however, things have gone from bad to worse.

    We had an incredible sex life, we tried and did everything. There are no more playful tieing up games (too much effort) and no more sex games to get us in the mood. Even the sex toys just gather dust. I can't even give her oral without her saying not tonight or something else.

    My wife really does seem to just want the get-on-and-off sex with minimal effort on her side. I can't be bothered with this now and would rather fantasise about having great sex wtih her than actually do it. I can't spend the rest of my life like this. Am I really doomed to just fantasise about what was an incredible sex life? I know sex lives slow down and you do it less, the longer you are together but the quality should remain or improve (I would hope). We are both only 30 but I feel about 65 with the sex we have.

    Julie Answers…You’re right that most couples’ sex lives tone down after time, and especially after having children. The days of more experimental, adventurous sex often become a distant memory for a while, as family and earning a living take priority.

    Hopefully they’re not gone completely and there’ll still be some child-free evenings, weekends or special occasions when you roll out the sexual red carpet, but the rest of the time sex tends to become a bit more functional. Therapists often quote the ‘6-2-2’ rule to couples. The rule is that out of every 10 times you have sex, 6 will be OK (ie nothing special or amazing) 2 will be fantastic and 2 might be a waste of time. Of course this is not set in stone, but it’s just to give you an idea of what’s often considered a common pattern for a sexual relationship.

    I think you need to get together over this. My advice would be that you sit down and talk to your wife as an equal adult and agree what’s reasonable for this stage in your lives together. I’m a bit concerned that your letter is full of your feelings and requirements, but no mention of hers. See if you can get an angle on how she’s feeling; there might be a lot she’s missing as well - if not sexually, then possibly in other intimate areas, like romance and affection.

    See if you can schedule in some time when you’ll both have more privacy and energy, and the rest of the time try and appreciate and enjoy what you have. Remember, sex isn’t only about erotic arousal, it’s about intimacy and togetherness – that’s also part of what should ‘remain or improve’.

    Comments (1)

    • bx: March 07, 2012 12:13
      hi, on top of the above advice, which is very good. I would also recommend reading up on the issue of mismatched libido's. Often children, work etc are not reasons but excuses. My current partner was in a very emotionally and sexually restricted relationship from his mid 30's to his late 40's and because there were children he remained in effectively a loveless and intimacyless marriage. He has so many trust, sharing, self esteem issues through this it is often hard for him to appreciate that his sex drive isn't some monster it is perfectly ok to love sex.

      I can't speak for your wife there may be, and probably are a host of issues underlying the 'sex' issue for both of you but you must both be able to communicate about it, rationally and maturely as equal partners in your marriage/relationship.

      That includes your wife/partner, without reasonable negotiation and compromise from both of you, this means you too, then things will probably only get worse.

      The thing is 'sex' and libido are different for different people, some peoples libido is directly connected to their exhaustion, mood, anger, etc for others if they are feeling these things then sex helps to alleviate the stress of them and increases their happiness.

      One thing that worked well to help a friend of mine when his relationship was in trouble over sex and other issues was he and his partner agreed to write each other a letter laying out their feelings and thoughts about their relationship and the specifics in question, both the positives and negatives - agreeing to begin with a positive and to end with a positive - these letters they read separately agreeing to have coffee at the kitchen table (a neutral 'no sex' area) and discuss them calmly the next day ...

      for them they realised that my friends partner simply had a low libido, this had heightened during the early stages of their relationship but had begun to fall back once they had an established relationship - this libido relied on emotional security and sharing the household chores etc to have a hope of igniting, whereas my friends libido was a full on juicy tomato.

      they negotiated and compromised a solution workable for them because they loved each other and didn't want to break up over sex - not dissimilar to the joan sewell book 'i'd rather eat chocolate' except this was a gay couple.

      good luck to your wife/partner and to yourself

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