We used to have an incredible sex life - where did it all go wrong?
The days of more experimental, adventurous sex often become a distant memory for a while, as family and earning a living take priority.
My wife and I have been together for over four years now and at first sex was amazing truly amazing. Now, however, things have gone from bad to worse.
We had an incredible sex life, we tried and did everything. There are no more playful tieing up games (too much effort) and no more sex games to get us in the mood. Even the sex toys just gather dust. I can't even give her oral without her saying not tonight or something else.
My wife really does seem to just want the get-on-and-off sex with minimal effort on her side. I can't be bothered with this now and would rather fantasise about having great sex wtih her than actually do it. I can't spend the rest of my life like this. Am I really doomed to just fantasise about what was an incredible sex life? I know sex lives slow down and you do it less, the longer you are together but the quality should remain or improve (I would hope). We are both only 30 but I feel about 65 with the sex we have.
You’re right that most couples’ sex lives tone down after time, and especially after having children. The days of more experimental, adventurous sex often become a distant memory for a while, as family and earning a living take priority.
Hopefully they’re not gone completely and there’ll still be some child-free evenings, weekends or special occasions when you roll out the sexual red carpet, but the rest of the time sex tends to become a bit more functional. Therapists often quote the ‘6-2-2’ rule to couples. The rule is that out of every 10 times you have sex, 6 will be OK (ie nothing special or amazing) 2 will be fantastic and 2 might be a waste of time. Of course this is not set in stone, but it’s just to give you an idea of what’s often considered a common pattern for a sexual relationship.
I think you need to get together over this. My advice would be that you sit down and talk to your wife as an equal adult and agree what’s reasonable for this stage in your lives together. I’m a bit concerned that your letter is full of your feelings and requirements, but no mention of hers. See if you can get an angle on how she’s feeling; there might be a lot she’s missing as well - if not sexually, then possibly in other intimate areas, like romance and affection.
See if you can schedule in some time when you’ll both have more privacy and energy, and the rest of the time try and appreciate and enjoy what you have. Remember, sex isn’t only about erotic arousal, it’s about intimacy and togetherness – that’s also part of what should ‘remain or improve’.