1. My boyfriend can get an erection but can't orgasm. What can I do?

    My boyfriend can get an erection but can't orgasm. What can I do?

    It sounds like your boyfriend is suffering from retarded ejaculation.

    Question for JulieQuestion:

    My boyfriend can gain an erection and keep it for ages but whatever I do, I can't make him orgasm. We've been together for nearly 3 years and he seems to get to a stage where he's hard but can't orgasm.

    He says it's ok but I would love to make him climax. He sometimes tries masturbating but even then he gets to a stage where as he says 'the feeling just passes'.

    He doesn't have a high sex drive and is happy to go several weeks unless I hint! I try not to make a big deal of it but he's 44 not 84 and I enjoy sex! I have never had this problem before.

    Julie Answers…Julie Says:

    This could be a physical or a psychological problem - or a combination of both. It sounds like your boyfriend is suffering from ‘retarded ejaculation’ which is a frustrating and distressing condition for him and for you. It’s surprisingly common though, and you’re absolutely right not to make a big deal of it - any pressure on him to perform will only make things worse.

    Your boyfriend may have some deep-rooted negative ideas that sex is somehow wrong, or he may be scared to lose control, worried he’s not a good lover… there are a lot of possible reasons for retarded ejaculation. For instance, it is a common side-effect of SSRI-type antidepressant medications. I think he needs to see a sex therapist to shed some light on the exact cause and the best treatment.

    He may be given ‘sensate focus’ exercises to do as homework. These were developed years ago by the groundbreaking sex therapists Masters and Johnson, and they’re so effective they’re still recommended today. You can Google them to find out more detail, but basically they guide you as a couple through several stages, where you’ll focus on the sensory pleasures of the moment rather than orgasm - and sexual anxiety is reduced because the fear of failure is removed.

    Try Relate (0300 100 1234 (www.relate.org.uk) or Basrt (Tel: 020 8543 2707 (www.basrt.org.uk) or you can contact Mary Clegg, an excellent clinical psychosexual counsellor, who can give you a consultation or answer questions by email for a modest fee (mary@maryclegg.co.uk)

    Comments (1)

    • Alison: May 11, 2011 18:48
      Myself and my OH went through professional sensate function councelling after I had a hysterectamy. I can certainly reccomend it! We are still learning to work around things like tiredness or one of us not being really up for it, but there are so many ideas! I loved the idea of learning to just touch as we had got so caught up in the idea that we had to have penetration or it wasn't sex! Our sex toy collection has grown significantly over the last year and we now plan weekends away knowing proximity to our favourite shops... I have even discovered a taste for bondage...